Back to Reality?

Well, well, well...I haven't done an "update" in awhile so here we go! Junior teen camp was amazingly fun, challenging, stretching and a learning experience to say the least. I had a good cabin, one girl made a first-time commitment (that sounds so...phony and buisnesslike). I had a great time with them during devo's, God really laid a bunch of stuff on my heart and definately gave me a group who were dealing with these things.
After that, I was supposed to be at kid's 3, but got sick on Sunday and wasn't needed due to extra staff. This was disappointing, but I really REALLY needed a week off to catch-up on life I guess. I was missing Robin a lot and got a great surprise when she came home from her friend's cabin early! That was great, I think I was starting to go a bit crazy. So we hung out a lot, of course. Next week she was off to Teddy Bear.
All was well because Nicole decided to come home from BC. So I spent Sunday-Wednesday with her. We scraped paint from one of their graneries, went swimming with Lana, went out to Aaron's auntie's cabin for an evening and saw Lacey at Bre's.
I got a call that Saturday saying there weren't enough kids for staff, so I, along with others, got the cut. I was...angered...to put it lightly. I'm over it now, I had a good week relaxing and hangin out with Robin. We went to Cold Lake on Monday with her mom and I had fun shopping with "Oliver-funds". Robin and I stopped in at Pizza Hut to see the Gace-atron. Chatted with her, got Lacey Nadon'd, learned about Pizza Hut policies and such. We went to the church on Tuesday, then to Rob's place so he could eat lunch, back to the church and then over to Movie Gallery to rent a movie. On the way we saw Andrew outside of Dub. We chatted a bit then continued on our way. We got "The Benchwarmers", headed back to the Dub to buy something to cool us off. Their interac wasn't working, but Andrew just got off work so we went and ran errands with him. It was awkward at first, just cuz I haven't seen him, or anyone that hasn't been at camp, for a really long time. But then things were fun and more relaxed. I saw Tim in a room at the post office and that was cool. Diana gave Robin and I dirty looks...weird. We hung out at Andrew's for a bit and then went home (Robins) and watched Benchwarmers. Oh boy...it is hilarious! I laughed so much. I love it! We ate, sat around, had a good talk, and watched it again with Terri. Wednesday we just hung out and such. I went home...and didn't go to sleep. Mom and I watched the lightning and rain around midnight or so. Then I went downstairs, watched tv, played on the comp,etc. Around 2:30 I was gettin hungry/thirsty so I went upstairs to make coffee and snacks (weird eh?). I heard a lot of yelling, some guys wanting to fight, and got scared. So I called 911 and then the cops came and took away the guy that was yelling at the one that had already gone home. I went downstairs (now full of adreneline) and looked at different and many tattoo designs for the rest of the night. I went and watched tv in Phil's old room, then upstairs. Rob called around 10:30 to set up an appointment. I showered and such and then went to talk to him. (By the way, it's Thursday now, still no sleep) We had a jolly good talk. Yup. Then he went to get his hair cut and I hung out at the church with Tiff and Aaron. I went on a magical trail ride provided by Aaron and many popsicle sticks. It was great fun. Then Tiff and I went to Robin's for banana boats/apple submarines with her and Bailey. So yummy and sticky. Aaron came and we went up to camp for Talent Nite. Being there was only 18 or so campers, it was short and...lacking? yes. But it was great to see Belinda and KENT! hehe Kent. Brent was Brent at me, so I walked away. Then Checho gave me my cheque (whoohoo) and Tim, Clare & the kids came up to talk to Checho. I played on the swings with Nick & Shan for a bit, then we had to leave. I went to Robin's and we had a good chat. Then I called up me mam and we all sat down and watched "The Wizard of OZ". Well, they did. I fell asleep. A lot. Finally. My mom took me home and I somehow made it to bed. I got up and went to continue my talk with Rob. Then he gave me a book (which I'm loving "Rumors of another world" by Philip Yancey) and I went to Robin's. We talked about the Rob talk, and her mom came home. We went to look at a house with Mik, beautiful but need A LOT of work! Then to the Dub for supper and chaffoo chaffoo. Then grocery shopping at the Coop and home again. We watched "A Series of Unfortunate Events", which is an awesome movie. I went home, to bed and was rudely and frightenly woken by Ms Terri Thomas. hehe. They wanted me to go to Mik's cabin with them. So I did.
We got all packed up, grocery shopping (again) and headed out to Greig. We toured the cabin and then went swimming, tubing and boat-riding. Even I went on the tube! It was so much fun! I couldn't see anything unless it was right beside me, could only feel the water beneath, beside and around me and kept screaming, laughing and holding on for dear life. Robin says I was real Joanna about it, but I'm okay with that. Then we did hot-tubbing and hot dog-eating. Later on we had a campfire and made smores. Robin and I turned in earlier than the old ladies and had to figure out how to safely sleep on the makeshift tri-bunk. It was adventerous and at times "precarious". We talked a bit, read a bit and slept a lot. I had mad crazy dreams...like marriage, driving, gradutation-ing, and other such festivities. Then we got up and went for another boat ride, all around the lake this time. There were a lot of trees falling into the lake due to beavers and more rain. I thought of the passage in Revelations about the mountains shall crumble and fall into the depths. That was cool and I enjoyed the moment. We went back and had a HUMUNGOUS brunch. Huge waffles and eggs and bacon...okay that's only three things, but it was so filling! Robin and I power-napped after that, it was good. I read more too. I sat on the deck with Mik and Terri, then went and read more. Robin got up and read with me. We decided it was time to go so we started to pack up and whatnot. We left and went to our seperate homes (You were probably wondering if I had a home of my own eh?) and I started writing, went to the Dub with Pa and continued to write. And am still writing.
Ok so, now we're back to reality. I have another week off. I'm hoping to get an eye appointment to get new glasses so I can actually see what I'm doing and such. I have a dr's appointment regarding my thyroid ultrasound. Its upsetting because I got that like a month ago and hadn't gotten a call back til Friday and had already put it out of my mind. Now I'm all nervous and worried. Oh well. I'll probably write more about that after the fact.
Oh boy! Next week is SR TEEN! I'm so pumped!!! Its gonna be GOOD (in a Belinda/Breanna voice). Oh boy, Jeffery Dean and Memon (Dione) have a whole bunch of deadly plans and the counsellors are real cool and Joe and Shantelle are gonna be there as well. WOOO I'm excited. Can ya tell?
Okay well, off to more adventures I suppose.

Love Heals Your Heart - Third Day - Wherever You Are

Did you think you could escape without infection
You do all you’re able to resist
Just to avoid the danger of rejection

Memory warns you of the past
When it all went wrong

When you think your life is shattered
And there’s no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You’re alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart

Everybody has a wall to climb
That was built to guard the pain that holds them captive
Every smile that they would hide behind
Will try to mask the hurt beneath the surface

Sometimes it’s hard to understand
How we’re trapped inside

I'm Bert!

You Are Bert

Extremely serious and a little eccentric, people find you loveable - even if you don't love them! You are usually feeling: Logical - you rarely let your emotions rule you You are famous for: Being smart, a total neat freak, and maybe just a little evil How you life your life: With passion, even if your odd passions (like bottle caps and pigeons) are baffling to others

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

Uh...i saw this on Brad & Jen Vidal's blog and was excited to see which Sesame Street character I am. I'm not sure how I feel about being Bert. He always got on my nerves as a kid...oh well.

Hidden Lives and Silent Cries

Hidden lives and silent cries
Hope snatched away by
Empty looks and open stares
Escape inside of me

Cover up the open wound
Come give in again
To feel alive while knowing
That numbness returns

Step into my hard embrace
See if maybe this time
You measure up to impossibility
Yearning for false beauty

Mend once more the broken heart
Making bandages from
Half-truths and shallow confidence
Hearing the silent cries in a hidden life

The Great Escape Artist

Escaping is what I do best. I've become so good that I'm never sure when I'm in hiding and when I'm safe. The hardest times are not knowing what I'm running from. Even worse is knowing the persuant and not being able to overcome it. I keep creating new ways to escape. New habits that get harder and harder to break. When I can't think of new ones, I return to my old friends, my beloved enemies. When I think I've conquored one, a new, more difficult one shows up. Preying on me constantly, waiting for me to give in, or move on to the next one. A person gets tired from running all the time, never knowing who to trust, never being able to trust yourself. When a bad escape appears I have two choices: give in and feel worse than when I started, or wait and see if I forget about the need to escape. If I've done this, I've moved on and am safer than before. If I haven't forgotten, I can yeild to the first choice, or continue the waiting game. In some cases, time is my friend. In others, it cruely reminds me of how easily I give in and how long I've been giving in for.
Escapes I can think of at the moment are:

• not sleeping
• over/under eating
• obsessive weighing
• cutting (becoming harder to deal with)
• "that other thing"
• distracting myself (from dealing with my problems)
• poetry (the only good escape)
• anger
• getting out/running away
• being moody
• the temptation of alcohol; even if I don't drink, the thought/want is just as hard to deal with
• internalizing emotions
• putting myself down so its easier to deal with others' critizism. If I tell it myself, others just confirm the lies I think.
• basic reclusiveness/hybernation

Well my brain is starting to shut down, being 4:30am...
So long, farewell, auch von de musica and so forth.

Confining Camp Crushes...

Yes, that's right, I have another stupid camp crush. I hate them. They're so not allowed! Especially mine. For fear of the person reading this, I refuse to name him, but I will write about him. I had the privillege of spending three weeks up at camp getting to know an amazing guy. He's funny, mature, smart, silly, strong in his faith, encouraging, makes time for me and makes me feel important and wanted. I feel like I could tell him anything and everything about me and it would be okay. That doesn't happen for me with hardly anyone. I think only two people know basically everything about me. Even that was hard, and they're my best friends, which should make things easier, but it was still difficult telling even them. Anyways, this crush is especially "not allowed" because of camp, and because of my own morals. I feel like a horrible person (no matter what other people say) because he has a girlfriend, and he barely pays attention to her. I felt so bad being around them both, and she knew something was going on, but I hope I hid it well enough to let her know I wouldn't ever take him from her. I don't ever want to be "the other woman" or the boyfriend stealer. I have enough problems without this added on. Its so confusing because, all the time he's making me feel special, I'm making myself feel guilty and undeserving. Oh, and I'm also "unethical". I know I said I wouldn't care if Rob shut down what I said, but I do/did. I don't know how to handle this situation. I want to be both of their friends and make things work between them, but at the same time, wish he were "available". Don't worry Rob, its not your fault, I knew I would come out of that session beating myself up. This is why I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to write about this, I had it figured out so that I would only write a poem (You) and then move on. But I can't move on. I can never move on, because I'm Joanna and I cling on to things like this for months. Or I just don't deal with them and they come back and kick my butt all over the place. I hate talking about him with other people, because no matter how nice they say things, my crazy mind turns them into more ammo to beat itself up with. The worst kind of abuse is that which you inflict upon yourself. AAAAAAAH! I need to find a healthier way of letting my emotions out. Ways that aren't triggering of self-harm. Ways that aren't my usual esape artist ways. Oh blast, eh? I'm out of ideas. Ideas for venting and ideas for dealing. ok bye.

My New Hair!

My hair on July 28th, 2006



















My hair on July 29th, 2006
After 4 long-hair years, I decided it was time for a change. I got my hair chopped off and am loving the cool, breezy new me. Going from mid-back length to mid-neck length is a bit of a shock, but it's what I wanted so I guess I'll get used to it sooner or later.

So, there you go Phil, you wanted an update, here it is.:)

How Do I Feel Safe?

Why can't I say how I feel?

Why can't I act how I feel?

Why can't I think how I feel?

Why can't I show you how I feel?

I can't say because words can't explain

I can't act because that's all I've been doing

I can't think because thinking brings more questions

I can't show you because you are never watching when I try.

Why can't I find a place that's safe?

Why can't I find an emotion that's safe?

Why can't I find a thought that's safe?

Why can't I find a part of you that's safe?

I can't find a place because I can't get away

I can't find a safe emotion because too much of one hurts

I can't find a thought because I won't quiet my mind long enough

I can't find a safe part of you because you are always changing, yet the same.

You

You make me want to sing

Even when I don't know the words

You make me want to dance

Even when I don't know the steps

You tell me a story

Without saying a word

You tell me I'm beautiful

Without knowing what you've said

You brighten my day

When everyone else has passed me by

You open doors and break down walls

When everyone else has given me reason to build more

You have brought hope

Back to where there was dispair

You have brought joy

Back to where there was sadness

You have made life

Fun to live again

You have made conversation

Fun to participate in

You have become a best friend

At the time I needed one the most

You have become a faith partner

When faith was diminished

You have become all these things

If only I could tell you face to face

You have become all these things

If only I knew your side of the story

Grad and Camp

Well, it is the second weekend in July and I have a lot of things to write about. Well only two, but it will probably be a long entry. So....I graduated!!! On time, against the odds with adequate credits. Grad was an interesting day. It seemed so surreal and I was having a hard time remebering that it wasn't just rehearsal anymore. The entire day it felt like I was getting married or something; my hair and nails were done, my family and best friends came over, and everything was focused on me (well almost everything). I'm not saying I'm attention deprived or anything, but it was nice to be noticed for my accomplishments. The ceremonies were nearly painfully boring. Megan's speech was hilarious, I'll never look at pickles the same way again. I'm so glad she didn't do the cliche validvictorian speech like they've done in the past. When I got my diploma I was so excited that I walked off the stage without waiting for pictures or my walking partner. My family bugged me about not being able to get pictures of me on stage because one second I was there, the next I was gone. Before the ceremonies started, all the grads were in the hallways or rooms hanging out. It was an awkward wake up call for me about what this past year has been. I was hanging out with my friends, but the whole time I felt like an outsider trying to fit in. You see, I haven't hung out with them much at all this year except for at youth group and the odd time. I felt so alone without Robin, but it was also a good realization of how times had changed. When we got out and during the afternoon, it was raining so hard! I was quite upset because I was looking forward to outside pictures. So we rushed to the car and into the house, trying in vain not to get wet. Robin, Kirsten and FLO! were there for supper which was so fun to have them there. Man I miss Flo. We drank Raspberry Champane (sparkling cider) in fancy glasses and visited with the family. I asked God to please stop the rain and within about a half hour, the sun came out and the ground was dry. Praise the Lord! After I finished eating I changed into my dress and we went outside to take pictures. That was an ordeal, what with the sun being in our eyes and the kids (and dad) being cranky. They got done, I've yet to see them though. I got a lot of comments on my dress which was neat. The most awkward was Mr. Handspiker calling me a wench and saying if I had worn it in History he would've given me bonus marks. (He meant it the nicest way of course) Everyone called it "old school" and unique. Me. haha. I felt so out of place, everyone was wearing sparkly, skanky, satin numbers and here I was, in cotton and long sleeves. It was funny how many people were drunk before we sat down. Before we ever started the Grand March in fact. The evening program was so fun and cool (not literally). I nearly cried twice, the first when Shea thanked the Grandparents, the second when Bre, Nic and Lacey sang "Always". But I didn't. Cuz I'm a butt. I danced with Flo for the escort dance, even though he wasn't my escort. I didn't have one, but he told me to save him a dance so I figured why not this one. It was the only dance I did. Not the parent or Grandparent one for obvious reasons. Although I did find out later that Nana wanted to dance with me. I didn't stick around for very long, went home and went to bed. I'm such a party animal, eh? The next day was Canada day and my family (Tim & Clare, Frank & Mary, mom, dad & Dione) spent the afternoon/evening at Greig Lake. After supper Dione and I went for a swim and had a nice talk away from everyone else. We got some icecream and went home. I spent most of Sunday and Saturday packing for my first week of camp.
It was a pretty fun week, Kirsten was my JC and my prayer partner. This made it difficult to disguise my writing, but also made it a fun challenge. We had a pretty good cabin, one homesick and one bedwetter. Kirsten was amazingly helpful with both, especially the bedwetter. By the end of the week I was getting sick of my campers, so I hung out with Belinda and Jessica's cabin most of the last day. They had the oldest girls and on Thursday night I joined them for Girl Talk. I love being silly with that age group. They can take a joke and don't whine or cry as much as the younger ones. I had fun bonding with Brent and helping him out with games. I spent a lot of time hanging out with the CITs, mostly Taylor, Tal and Tim. I love those boys so much, and they're so cuddle-able. I really loved my cabin of girls. On Thursday night, they were mostly all asleep by 10:30! That was a relief.
This past week I spent Monday at home relaxing, reading and watching movies. On Tuesday I got the call to come to camp. After a dentist appointment and hasty packing, Dione drove me up to take the place of a sick JC. I was Breanna's JC and it was so much fun to be with her. We had the oldest girls and they were so fun and mature. We had one leave the same day I got there from the flu and the rest were good for the rest of the week. On Thursday night Jesse and I both got the flu and were sick all day Friday. It wasn't a good start to my week (Tue) because I got about 3 hrs of sleep Monday night. I was anxious about my thyroid ultrasound the next morning and couldn't fall asleep. Tuesday night was a restless sleep, making Wednesday hard to get through. I gave my testamony for the night devotion and as a result of discussion, had fightening nightmares most of the night. Starting at 2:37am I woke up every hour at that time (3:37, etc). Finally at 6:15 I go up, got dressed and went for a walk. Shaken and emotional was what I felt most of the day. I relied on Jesus so much and he carried me through with a smile on my face at most all times. Once again, when I wasn't smiling, I forced one so as to discourage any concerned questions or faces. I guess I should say I've been off my meds for about a month now. Mom wants me to go back on them, but I'm still unsure. Being sick on Friday took another toll on my emotions and energy and I was very glad to be done everything so I could go home. Thinking I could sleep was merely a dream. I took a gravol and half a sleeping pill which would put anyone out for most of a day. Not me, I was wide awake at 9am. Frustrated and grumpy. Now its time for me to shower and go on a date with Robin. Although we were across the hall, there was never time for a good long chat. I'm off to camp again on Sunday and am praying I have the energy to last the week. I'm so excited its Jr Teen and that there wont be so many clingy, crying campers. Just boy crazy, immature, vain teeny tiny teens. Anyways, pray for me this week if you think of it.

To Whom It May Concern

To those who said I was ugly, too plain, imperfect
I AM made me beautiful, unique and precious

To those who said I couldn't, wouldn't or shouldn't
I AM said I can, will, and should

To those who said I'm too weak, dumb or unable
I AM made me strong, intelligent and capable

To those who said I won't go with you
I AM said "I am always with you"

To those who said I don't love you
I AM said "My love is enough"

To those who didn't believe, trust or accept me
I AM gave me faith, hope, love and trust

To those who gave encouragement, guidance and wisdom
I AM says "Inasmuch unto the least of these, you've done unto me"



"If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

I'm Finally Done!!!

Well boys and girls, I just walked out of Carpenter High School for the last time as a student. I still have three days of exams and grad stuff, but I won't be going to the regular classes each day anymore. I did a walk through to say goodbye to everything that had meaning to me. It was so hard to say goodbye to certain places like the theatre, Boyko's room, Spike's room and the Fing's room. I couldn't even go into Helgeton's room, he was in there and that made it even harder. I have so many memories in that room. It makes me miss a lot of people: Jesse Calvert, Clint Nicholson, Randy Coier (man that guy was funny), Kory, Jacob, Jonny, Logan, Joe, Chae-rin Oh!!!, Daisy, Mina-Linn Sophie Helme Olafson, Melissa Stephenson, Tess, Jessie, Paul, Kera, Lacey, and so many others that it would be boring to name them all. Most of all, I'm going to miss Mr. Helgeton. Hopefully I'll be able to say goodbye before grad, cuz I'll probably be crying enough on that day anyways. As we were leaving and we stood in the commons area one last time, so many memories flooded my mind. Memories of eating lunch with the "cool" grade 12's when I was in grade 10, singing barber shop style with AJ and a bunch of other people, people dancing on the light pole, so many lunches eaten, so many "happy birthday's" sung, so many awkward and traumatizing Fing moments, and this year finally realizing that I am now one of the "cool" (hahahaha) grade 12's. Its so overwhelming to think that I had an impact on someone's life. I'll always remember what a great influence the grade 12's of the past three years have been on me. Maybe some of the grade 10 & 11's will look back when they're graduating and remember me. I will always wonder if my impact was a positive or negative one while I was in school, or should I say when I was in school. I'll never forget Tomoko when I came to school after not being there for a few days. She was so happy to see me back and gave me a big hug. Oh man I'm remembering so much stuff right now. Surprisingly a lot has to do with grade 10 & 11. Maybe this year is still too fresh to be reminiscing about. I'll have to post my journal entry from English when I get it back. It basically summed up what high school meant to me. This is the start of something new. The sun is out and the clouds have cleared(literally). I beat the odds and surpassed the negative expectations of so many people in my past. It's so true that "but by the grace of God" I am here where I am today. I've grown up a lot these past three years. And I've also stayed immature through them. I've done some stuff that definately was out of my comfort zone, and in a way built new borders around my comfort zone, expanding it for sure. Anyways, my journal thing will explain things a bit better probably.

Pet Peeve Rant

Ok time for a pet peeve rant. If you tell me to do something or give someone a message, I'll do it. Don't tell them or do it after I've already done it. If you don't trust me or whatever, don't tell me to do something. Honestly, if you don't want me to do it, do it yourself. Don't waste my time and my breath when you're just going to do everything yourself, your own way. Don't give me the instructions if you don't expect me to read them. Well that was a lot of don'ts. So, here's a do: do stop being a jerk and living in your own dream world. Do realize that the world doesn't stop when things don't go 'your' way. Do start taking care of your family and stop feeding your midlife crisis.
Ok so I think I'm done that part.
ONE DAY OF SCHOOL LEFT!!! Not counting exams that is. So, I got an award/certificate thingy for something I quit and wasn't even officially signed up for. Yeah, thanks a lot Ms. Hamoline. If it weren't for her scatterbrainedlyness I would have not been in really awkward spotlight today. Yeah, that was unexpectedly awkward.
Why can't memories be erased? The ones that hurt the most seem to resurface so often. Is that some twisted punishment for eating the 'apple'? Why is it so much easier to think and dwell on the bad stuff instead of being able to hold on to the happy times? Oh blast its my last day of school tomorrow. I realize I just said that all excitedly, but really it's quite sad. I'll definately have a few moments saying good-bye to the classrooms and the entire school. Stand on the stage one last time, maybe go into the office one last time (hopefully haha), maybe replace the ghost in Paylor's room. Anyways, I gotta go shower and get to bed at a decent hour tonight. Goodnight my devoted readers!

Personality Test

Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion

60%
Stability

33%
Orderliness

63%
Accommodation

70%
Interdependence

36%
Intellectual

16%
Mystical

50%
Artistic

56%
Religious

90%
Hedonism

10%
Materialism

30%
Narcissism

56%
Adventurousness

50%
Work ethic

30%
Self absorbed

36%
Conflict seeking

36%
Need to dominate

50%
Romantic

70%
Avoidant

56%
Anti-authority

50%
Wealth

56%
Dependency

56%
Change averse

70%
Cautiousness

76%
Individuality

70%
Sexuality

36%
Peter pan complex

70%
Physical security

83%
Physical fitness

50%
Histrionic

63%
Paranoia

56%
Vanity

70%
Hypersensitivity

76%
Female cliche

70%

Stability results were moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:
self revealing, neat, craves attention, prefers organized to unpredictable, needs things to be extremely clean, worrying, perfectionist, emotionally sensitive, respects authority, social, vain, does not like to be alone, likes large parties, controlling, social chameleon, not a thrill seeker, enjoys leadership, takes precautions, puts the needs of others ahead of their own, assertive, rule conscious, makes friends easily, always busy, heart over mind, phobic, aggressive, clingy, compassionate, dominant, outgoing, suspicious, hard working, strong

My version of Amos 4:6-11

I gave you a full stomach
and an abundance of bread
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

I showered rain on you
enough for the harvest still to come
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

I have given the people enough to drink
not withholding the waters from them
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

I have kept the pests from your garden
so it can grow and be a great source of food for you
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

I keep you safe from famine and disease
and protect you from the sword
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

I saved you from the fire
from the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

_____________________________________________

This is so true in my life right now. God keeps showering me with blessings and I complain about the things that I feel are absent in it.

Cool thing Dione gave me

You say: "It's impossible."
God says: All things are possible. (Luke 18:27)
You say: "I'm too tired."
God says: I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28-30)
You say: "Nobody really loves me."
God says: I love you. (John 3:16 & John 13:34)
You say: "I can't go on."
God says: My grace is sufficient. (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)
You say: "I can't figure things out."
God says: I will direct your steps. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
You say: "I can't do it."
God says: You can do all things. (Philippians 4:13)
You say: "I'm not able."
God says: I am able. (II Corinthians 9:8)
You say: "It's not worth it."
God says: It will be worth it. (Roman 8:28)
You say: "I can't forgive myself."
God says: I FORGIVE YOU. (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: "I can't manage."
God says: I will supply all your needs. (Philippians 4:19)
You say: "I'm afraid."
God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear. (II Timothy 1:7)
You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated."
You say: "I don't have enough faith."
God says: I've given everyone a measure of faith. (Romans 12:3)
You say: "I'm not smart enough."
God says: I give you wisdom. (I Corinthians 1:30)
You say: "I feel all alone."
God says: I will never leave you or forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5)

I've said so many of these things over the past few months. It's nice to know where these truths are found. It's easy to know the truth, but better when you have proof and some place to turn to. I hope this can be of some help to you other girls who I know are going through some of the same things as me. Even when we don't love ourselves, God always does.

Welcome Dione!

Hey Dione, just thought I'd welcome you to my blog. Most of my poems are found in months past, but feel free to look around wherever you want to. Hope nothing offends you or anything, I just write what I think and feel. Yup. Well...welcome to my deadly-riffic site.

I don't know what I want to write, just know that I want to write something. If that makes any sense.
I've had a pretty good weekend thus far. Yesterday I watched The Ringer with Robin, Mitch and Tay(who left and then came back with Jen Fry!) and I laughed a lot. After supper Robin and I wanted to go get ice cream and Robin suited up because it was cold out. Not to be left out, she dressed me up as well. We looked crazy. It was one of the most daring things I've done in a long time. I was definately out of my comfort zone, but it was good to get out, even if it was just to Eastside, Bean There and Rob's. Oh yeah, we went to Rob and Amanda's and watched Kingdom of Heaven with them and Dione. I love that movie so much. The fact that Orlando Bloom is in it might have something to do with that, but its also very historically enticing. Even though I hated learning about the crusades in Boyko's class, I love watching this movie, because its something I do on my own time and am not forced to learn about. I guess that's the way I work. Like taking Hamlet for example, I'm sure I would have loved the play had I done it on my own time, but reading it in class, taking notes on every little detail and watching the movie kinda killed it for me. Then again, some things are better learned as a group. Nothing comes to mind at the moment, but I'm sure there's something.
Oh, I thought of something, poetry. I loved that section of (un)Creative Writing. Hearing other people's writing styles and experiences through poetry was so awesome for me. And then came the collective...haha we won't go there. If I had to read one style of literature for the rest of my life I'd choose poetry. It's more than just writing to me. It captures emotions and makes dreams seem real with flow and rhythm. Its odd how a peice of writing is so hard to explain with words. I think that's a part of why I like songs so much. Really, they're just poems with a beat and a tune. If I could only write one way, again, I'd choose poetry. Why? Because a poem can be as short or long as you want it to be. It can rhyme, contradict itself, and be full of nonsense all at once. You can say everything while saying seemingly nothing at the same time. It's not bound to formality or familiarity. Even if you don't get what it's trying to say, a single line or phrase could be the meaning of life and inspiration to you or another.
I know why I'm so in love with poetry. Its been one of my only outlets of emotion for such a long time. I think I was wrong in saying I don't grieve over losses; I do, I just write about them. When I write a really good piece, I don't need to cry about the situation because I've gotten the emotion out on paper. I do know that there are things I should cry about and haven't grieved or dealt with, but the others I don't. I've given them closure by putting them into words and not water.
So, I guess this is the start of healing. Realizing how I do deal with loss and what situations I've left unfinished. Well, on a happier note than I started, "You're not very pretty, and you're not very bright. I'm glad we had this talk."

Fire Inside

Scratch, claw, break
fire rushes through

Scream, lie, believe
fire dies inside

Fight, pull, fall
fire all around

Grab, reach, miss
fire goes out.

Strength to Begin

I ask Why
as I cry myself to sleep
Knowing 'Why' will never be enough
to fix the pain

I ask How
as I look at the list
Knowing 'How' will never be enough
to start the healing

I ask Who
as I search for love
Knowing 'Who' will never be enough
to begin loving myself

I ask questions
as I try to understand
Knowing questions get me nowhere
and action is what I need

To be able
to start this long process
Will take more strength and courage
than I know

I ask You
to give me what I need
Knowing You alone are enough
to heal this wounded spirit

My Current Belief

So I had a really great talk with Rob today. It started out with the Braden situation and just kept getting more and more interesting. I was pretty nervous, for reasons unknown/unsure to me, and we got to talk about that too. But thats not really what this blog is about. Quite a ways into the conversation, we talked about losses and grief and how I deal, rather don't deal, with them. We talked about the different kinds of loss; it was cool the way Rob got me to list them, as if I had to teach a class on them. For me, I don't really accept any kind of loss as valid other than death. This has made a lot of things difficult for me, because I refuse to deal with any other kinds of loss, such as loss of friendship, hope, love, etc. I don't let myself grieve for these kinds because to me, the world says that they're not worth crying over, to be tough and stay happy. (That's a whole other thing, not going to get into that right now.)
What I came up with in the end or near to the end was this: I can't grieve for any losses because I don't feel I'm worth losing or being grieved over. Ok, I'll try and explain this in seperate parts. I don't feel I'm worth losing means that it doesn't matter when I get rejected by a guy or whatever because I obviously wasn't worth enough to them. Not sure if that makes sense or not. Not worth being grieved over means basically what it says. I don't think I'm good enough for other's or even my own pity. Pity has never gotten me anywhere except maybe a few pounds heavier. I hate having people feel sorry for me or anything like that. I feel like I'm just bringing them down and can't stand that. Because I don't feel worthy, rather feel worthless, I don't let myself grieve over any other losses, even when I know I should. I guess its not so much that I can't, its that I don't.
What I have to do now is start dealing with all of the losses in my life one by one, not get overwhelmed with them, keep things in perspective, let myself cry over things, and know when its time to call for help. Thing is, I don't even know which one to start with. I could start with Braden, but what good will that do if I can't even love myself enough to deal with someone else not loving me? And I honestly don't know if I'm ready to deal with my self-esteem issues at this present moment. I don't know where to start. I guess I could just start with listing all the stuff, but am afraid that that list will overwhelm me even more. I really just want to get over Braden and be able to be around him for 5 weeks of the summer comfortably. Maybe comfortability is too much to ask right now, lets go with lessened awkwardness. No matter how far I work through it, things will still be a bit weird between us, but I truely hope that we will regain some piece of our friendship that we had last summer.
I should probably work on my nerves and "defense mechanism" that I've put into use everyday for far longer than I can remember. I don't know why I'm so afraid of opening up to people and letting them see the real me. I guess its because I don't even like me. So why expect anyone else to right? AHHHHH!This is all so frustrating, but I needed to get all this out so bad. I needed the cycle to be broken, or my whole self would have broken under the weight of it all. Too bad we don't have another school break, I could just hole up somewhere and have a little or big breakdown, pick myself up, pick up the pieces and get on with life. That's what I need, a retreat, get away from everything and just be with me, God and these looming troubles. I haven't been out of town since March, and that was only for ortho. I've been to Cold Lake two other times, but other than that I haven't been out since all those trips to Calgary in Sept. which weren't very stress-free, but the exact opposite. I think the last retreat I was on was the youth/elder retreat last year. Man I wish I had a cabin I could go to or somewhere I could be alone, be safe, and be able to get help if need be. Does such a utopia exist? If only in my dreams, that is should I be able to sleep through the night peacefully. Which I should try and get to right about now.
I'm not even sure what I've all written but it did help a bit. Kind of. I still don't know where I'm going to start. I guess this is a start though. Talking about it, facing it outloud, and writing it out has helped. If only I weren't so scared of all the work ahead of me I could get through it quickly, although not painlessly. I think thats what scares me the most, I know I'm going to be in pain dealing with all these things, and almost want to keep denying them. But know I can't. Rob & Robin I'd really appreciate if you two would keep me accountable on all this. You can obviously understand what I'm trying to say better than anyone else reading this and apparently (:-P) can see through my "masks". So here's to bringing up all the things I've been running from, denying myself tears over, and trying to forget or replace with false happiness. Cheers!

So Many Movies

Wow, I've watched so many movies lately. I don't even remember them all, they start melding into one. I do remember the ones I watched today (yesterday now!) though so I thought I'd blog about them. First I watched "The Motorcycle Diaries" and thought of Rob, cuz I know he likes that movie. It was actually quite good, once I got used to the subtitles and some language issues. Its interesting trying to bleep out words as you read them. But yeah, the movie was good, it showed an interesting side to a person American culture has labeled as rebellious or against what we should aspire to. Ernesto (Che) really had a heart for the people, his people, who were kicked out of their own lands and had become as the movie put it, homeless in their own land. One of my favorite parts in the movie was when they got to the leper colony and Che and Alberto chose not to wear the gloves. What touched me most was he wasn't afraid to touch the lepers. He said, even though leprosy isn't contagious it (gloves) is just symbolic. He broke past the societal walls that others had put up and was just himself. So Rob, it was a great movie, probably not one that we could watch at youth group, but good nonetheless. I'd say 4 stars out of 5.
Then I watched The Brothers Grimm. I really wanted to watch it when it came out, but never did. I had heard from some people that it didn't live up to their expectations, but I thought it was alright. I think that Matt Damon was a bit of an awkward choice for this type of movie, but other than that it was good. I loved how obvious all the fairy tales were. It was easy to relate the things in the movie to the stories I've heard all my life. And to see a new spin on some of them, and watch a whole new one. I'll give this 3/5 stars.
Then...yes I know, I need a life...I watched Raise Your Voice. Don't shoot me yet. There are few movies that can have me crying within the first 15minutes, and this one did it. I don't know if I was over tired or what was going on, but when the car crash happened, I lost it. I had just been watching Joan of Arcadia and Jason Ritter was in both of these. It was weird to see him in a wheelchair one minute, walking and then in a car crash the next. I know, its only tv/movies, but I'm a little weird that way. So anyways, after I got over myself and settled in to the movie, it was pretty good, even for Hilary Duff. I, of course, noticed right away Terry and Simon's relationship. I was thinking, 'Finally, they get a father-daughter relationship that I can relate to'. Also, Paul (Jason Ritter) reminded me a little of Phil. So then, near the end of the movie when Simon freaks out and tells Terry that she has to come home 'right now', I couldn't believe it when she told him flat out that they were all afraid of him. Oh to have a script like that written for me. I was a little disappointed when they made up and everything was peachy keen, but of course in Hollywood every one lives happily ever after. Don't get me wrong, people should make up and be happy, but I was kind of wallowing in and enjoying the fact that it wasn't the perfect "tv family". But then again, what kind of teeny-bopper-sappy-romantic-motivational movie would it be without a happy ending right? This one gets a 3.9/5 stars...just cuz.
So thats what I did today. Well that and drank A LOT of tea. If my voice hasn't improved, my ability to pee fast has. Sorry you had to hear that Robin. Oh yeah, and I sound just as bad if not worse than I did yesterday. Lets just hope I get better by Sunday. I should probably get some rest...I'm so tired of sleeping its all I do lately, that and watch movies of course. So see ya tomorrow at practice. Yay! Hmm...I should work on my lines hey?

Open Letter

Dear dad,
Why did you have to come home? I was doing so good until you walked in the door. Now its back to all this crap. Why couldn't I just have peace and hapiness a bit longer? Its not like we interact anyways. Yet your very presence is enough to break me, intimidate me, sedate me. I had begun to open up, and just as quick as you pulling in the driveway, I was shut up again. Why do you build up all this pressure over time? Why not just get it over with. Hit me again. I'm sure I can take it. I have before. You know you want to knock some "sense" into me. Just get it over with already. Mess up again. Maybe this time you'll win. Who would've thought that you would be able to raise 6 kids. Why did you do it? So you'd have something other than the table or wall to punch? Its not like you built a relationship with any of us. You're just a name, a title, not a father. Never a father, never will be. Why couldn't I see that before? Why does it take us so long to see what's been right in front of us our whole lives? I don't understand why you try so hard to gather information from me, yet don't care about the important things in my life. I don't want to be your source of gossip. I wanted to be your daughter. These past few years have shown me that wanting, that need will never be fulfilled. Rob is more of a father figure to me than you will ever be! My own brothers are more of father figures than you have ever been. I shouldn't have had to been brought up by other men. You were there, why couldn't you do your job?! Because you were too busy with other people's lives and buisness. Because you'd rather listen to your answering machine or the nightly news than listen to my heart. What causes me to anguish over you? Its like even though I know the truth about you, I prefer to lie to myself, thinking you'll change. Thinking that next time will be different. Or maybe there won't be a next time. So instead of being able to talk to you, I spill my thoughts and feelings out to a screen. I trust a screen, that could go off at any minor power failure, more than I trust you. For when have you ever shown me that I could trust you? When have you ever given me reason to believe in you? To believe in me? So just get it over with. Give me one more reason to leave.
Your "daughter",
Jo

So Much For Love

He came as a child
Helpless just like us
So much for love

He went against the norm
Defying laws of physics and probability
So much for love

He loved the unloveable
Taking away their shame
So much for love

He gave his time for others
Leaving no one unheard
So much for love

He laid down his life
Doing God's will and not his own
So much for love

He paid the highest price
Clearing our debt and redeeming us
So much for love

He sacrificed it all
So that we could have everything
So much for love

He gave us so much
So much time, so much forgiveness
So much, for love.

Proverbs 31 Woman

She chooses wool and cotton
and sets the knitting needles to work.

She awakes in the night
and prays for her family and coworkers.

She sees potential in the dirt
and a garden grows from her insight.

She opens her arms to the poor
and her hands and heart to the needy.

She does not fear the snow;
she has clothed her family in warmth.

She has quilted a blanket for each bed
and their warmth is always appreciated.

She is clothed in fine fabric
and is admired by all for her youthfulness.

She makes clothing and toys
and sells them at the market for a fair price.

She provides others with her wares
and the world applauds her creativity.

She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and can laugh at the days to come.

She speaks in kindness and wisdom
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She conducts her household with efficiency
and is not caught in idleness.

Let her children stand and bless her
and acknowledge her good works.

"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
These are the words we praise her with.

Although outer beauty may fade,
the radiant light will shine forever.

This is a woman we should praise
for she fears and trusts the Lord in everything.

No earthly trinket can express
how much you mean to me.

I can only attempt to tell you
what an inspiration you have been.

To me and the world
you fulfill the woman of noble character.

So here’s to you, my true Proverbs 31 woman;
My mom.

Two Can Play

You're surprised at my grace and form
You marvel at my cunning agility
Did you think I would fail
Again?

You ask me where I learned my skill
You wonder who could be this great
Do you really not know
It is you.

Two can play at this game
You're not the only one who knows
I learned at your side
Over so many years.

You made me who I am
You are who I'm not
I will never be you
You will never be me.

You're everything I never want to be
I see your flaws and watch you fall
As I see these things in me
I stop.

I will not be you
I will beat the game
You try so hard
And fail.

It is true
Two can play this game
But only one will win
Me.

I learn from your mistakes
They are like ripples
Did you honestly think
You were the only player?

You think yourself a champion
You don't see what I see
What everyone else sees
You are blinded.

With every round
You are blinded even more
Blinded by denial
And truth.

You might think you're winning
But really you're only hurting yourself
Making me stronger
And wiser.

It may seem that you've already won
You see your opponent
Broken and wounded
Barely breathing.

The field is tense
A hush falls over the crowd
As the two face off
The end is near.

Only one can win
This is universally accepted
What will I choose
Fight or flight?

To flee would mean you've won
And this will never be
To fight could mean
Death.

A white flag is dropped
I have surrendered
Not to you, never
To Him.

Two are still in play
In my place is the One
For you see, its over
He's already won.

It doesn't matter anymore
All your best tricks fall short
He's seen them all
And won't be fooled.

Although you've taught me well
There is one greater than even you
He taught me through love
Not hate.

You and I could never win
No matter how long we fought
There is no other way
But surrender.

The ball is now in your court
I will no longer participate
You make the next move
You decide.

Crazy Times

There is so much stuff going on in my life right now that its beginning to be too much. I don't even know where to begin, theres so many things. I guess I'll start with the obvious. I've been really depressed and anxious lately. Not sure why I'm depressed when the weather's been so awesome, but I am. So many times this week/past month, I've been ready to quit. Quit everything. And this is the point where Rob gets "concerned". Don't worry Rob, we've talked about this, I'm not going to quit life, as much as I'd like to, I'm not going to.
So anxiety...Yeah, its begome like my freakin shadow. Yet it doesn't go away when the sun isn't out, rather gets worse. I'm anxious about: school, Braden, camp, future.
I just want to graduate already. Why do they even have these last two months? They're the worst! I have so many little tests and big assignments due or to do next week and its stressing me out. I want to get them done because people are counting on me, but I just don't feel like doing them.
I still haven't gotten an answer from Braden about grad. I've resigned myself to having to face him in person. I reall would rather knowing now than either getting my heart broken or being all awkward. But I guess I'll just have to suck it up and have patience.
I got my weeks for working at camp today. I'm not completely happy with them. I really don't want to be at home at all this summer and was looking forward to being at camp. I guess I'll only be working out there for 4 weeks. What makes me even more frustrated was getting a JC week. Its hard to accept when someone who CIT'd last year got the whole summer and will be a senior counsellor the week I"m a JC. I really want to be at camp this summer, and I also need the money. I know that camp won't get me enough money for a plane ticket to Jerusalem or anywhere close, but it will help. And I don't want to rely on support letters either. I always feel awkward about asking people for money. Or for anything really.
Of course I don't, I have to be in control just like my "father".
If I don't get enough money to go to Jerusalem in the fall, I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess there's always the option of living with Ryan and Kathleen. I'm sure I'd get paid more there than I would here. Then again, I'd need money for transport there. Argh! Money is the root of all stress. Well maybe not all...but I can blame most of it on money right?
As much as I want to be around for my friends, I do not want to be at home any longer than necissary. Who knows, maybe Dione and I will share a plane to Toronto sometime. That would rock! I can't wait for her to come home!
Anyways, I'm in a lot of pain so I think I might head to bed.
Only two more weeks til my surgery...yay more anxiety. Can't wait til it finally decides to attack me, I don't like this odd feeling. Let's just get it over with already.
K, well other places are calling my name...or something.

Post-Million Dollar Baby

So, last night we watched Million Dollar Baby at youth group. It was an awesome movie and made me think of a lot of things. First, why can't we watch a movie at youth group without people leaving, coming late and talking? Its really annoying. Don't do it. Its ok to laugh at the funny parts, but I for one can't stand buzzing whispering in the background.
Anyways...It made me really think of Frankie and Maggie's relationship and my dad and mine's. At first Frankie didn't want anything to do with her, then after finding out how determined she was to be a boxer, their relationship grew. He cared for her even when he didn't want to train a girl. Even when he tried to get rid of her, he was drawn back to her. He stuck with her when it mattered the most, he was strong for her, he gave her a new name,he protected her. I don't know if I would be able to do what he did for her. There was such a deep father-daughter bond between them even though they weren't blood.
What made me think of my dad was at the end when we find out that Morgan Freeman has been narrarating a letter to Frankie's daughter. He said, "I thought you'd like to know what kind of man your father really was." I think it was at that point that I really broke down. After I leave home, will I recieve a letter telling me what my dad was really like? Is it even sane to hope he will change after I'm gone? Frankie's daughter never forgave him for something he did to her, and had to find out in a letter what a good man he was and how hard he tried to be forgiven for what he did. Their situation is different from mine in a sense. I've seen what my dad can do. But I've never seen him change, not for the better anyways. I think it would make me angrier to find out he changed after I've left home. Why couldn't he be the father I needed when I'm still here? Just too little too late.

A Quick Song

Merry Christmas
Happy Easter
I don't know what these mean anymore

So I'll have a happy Turkey day
And give a salute to Victoria
Cuz that's what Happy Holidays means to me.


Just thought this up; I even have a tune for it! Yay!

No Title Yet

You ask me if that's my real smile
And laugh when I say it is
How would you know anything real about me?

You say you weren't welcome at the meeting
And get angry because of your own ignorance
How did you think I would react?

You say what you did was wrong
And beg me to forgive you
How many more times will we have this conversation?

You get angry when I don't tell you anything
And refuse to listen when I say what you don't want to hear
How do I make you listen?

You have masks you put on for certain people
And masks that you take off when they're gone
How will I ever know the real you?

You don't know anything real
And I don't know how to act
How long must we keep this charade going?

We don't know how to talk
And we don't know how to listen
How will we ever get through?

So we keep changing masks
And playing different parts
Until the Playwrite shows us

the end.

Trying to figure out pictures

Hey, I'm just posting this to see if I can post pictures this way.

Plane Tickets and Patience

So, its nearly a year since I felt God's calling on me to go to Jerusalem. (I almost put Africa cuz I'm listening to the Power of One soundtrack!) In a year I've been pumped to go, given up the idea of going, didn't know what was going on, and have come back to wanting to go. Its more than wanting to go; I really feel that things are going to work out to get me to Jerusalem in the fall. After wondering whether I should go or wait until after I get married and whatnot, I've decided that I can't wait. It's going to be so crazy to leave all my friends here. I knew that lots of my friends would be going off to college and whatever, but leaving the friends that aren't (that's right Robin, I'm talking about you), is gonna be really hard. I looked up the prices of a one-way plane ticket from Stoon to Tel Aviv in Sept. and got some stuff put in to perspective. The cheapest flight was $1867. Who knows how much it will change during the summer months? I guess I'm gonna have to start saving my pennies!
Not even as crazy as Jerusalem is, I'm graduating in two months! Two! I'm glad that I got ahold of Chris before she moved and really wasn't able to do my dress. I feel kind of bad for all the work that she has to do in such a short time. I really didn't expect there to be that much change in my dress. Oh well, she's got my mom's help which will save her a lot of time. I think I'm going to be really happy with the end result. Now that I've lost weight, and the dress has lost weight (48" from the skirts!) I'll be able to fit into it better without a whole bunch of bulk. Even though my shoes are nothing like what I was looking for, they match perfectly with the dress, and the price of $10 was a plus. I'm hoping they don't pull me from any classes for missing today. Even if they did I still have an extra credit, but I need all the credits I can get. Man, two months til camp! Chester better get the weeks figured out soon. It must be really hard to decide where everyone goes, especially when so many people apply. I don't think I could handle it. That's why God chose Chester to be director; he gets the job done and listens to God, not the pressure from all us kids. Man, I can't wait to get the pictures from last summer, now that they're actually found! Sheesh.
Well I really can't think of much else to talk about. Just pray that God gives me the patience to get through these next two months, finish school, and the readiness to go to Jerusalem. Hmm...maybe that will be my prayer request for prayer meeting tomorrow.

Stained Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong
So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

CHORUS
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage
The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagined me to be
Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

CHORUS 2x

But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade
Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

This song has been really real to me lately. Just thought I'd post it out here in the big wide web.

I Just Don't Know Anymore

Man, lately (this week) I've just been getting so confused and bombarded with the whole Braden situation. I was so pumped for him to come home in the next few days, only to find out it won't be for another two weeks or so. I emailed him asking him to be my grad escort last Wednesday and have been basically holding my breath for a reply. I overheard Robin and the guys talking about him and it really made me miss him. I wasn't upset that they were talking about him, just the way they were doing it. I don't care if people talk about him when I'm around, just don't be jerks about it.
My emotions are so screwed up right now. I don't even know what to feel any more. I don't know whether to be angry about my dad, be sad about missing Braden, be happy about my confidence, or to choose to feel nothing at all. I'm so sick of putting on a smile as soon as I walk into school. Yet, I don't want to be questioned 10 million times as to my "down" mood.
Youth group was kind of awkward tonight. We talked about what we learned from Lent/Easter, and everyone said how they grew or struggled with it. I think the only thing I got from this past season was disappointment, hurt and anger. Disappointment in me for breaking and giving up Lent, and for my dad hitting me again. Anger and hurt at my dad for what he did. And anger at God for making me go through all this crap again. It sounds so selfish to actually say that its God's fault when its not. I don't even care who's fault it is anymore. It happened and I have to learn to deal with it and move on. My dad is never gonna change. Not for me, not for my mom. Get over it already, right?
I just don't know anymore, I just want to go away from all of this. To come home or wake up one day and find that it never happened. That it was all a bad nightmare. How do you deal with living in fear everyday, knowing that no matter how hard you pinch yourself, you're not going to wake up from this?
What's the point of it all? All the pain and hurting? Just so I can "make a difference"? Who cares? No one's gonna remember when we're all dead! Why do we put ourselves through these brainwashed social images? Nothing matters other than where you stand with God. Right now I'm not even sure about that.
Well, Robin told me to blog more, so here it is.

Why Now?

Why Now?

You want to know every detail of my life.

Why Now?

Why not when I was a child?

Why Now?

You expect me to be comfortable talking to you

When we haven't "talked" for the past 18 years.

Why Now?

Why should I trust you now, when you've never given me reason to?

Why Now?

Do you think you can take the pain away with words?

Why Now?

I needed you to be a father.

You failed.

Why Now?

These are some of the most important times in my life.

Your interest in them came too late.

Why Now?

You didn't make time for my most important performances

Why should I expect you to be there for the future?

Why Now?

Now that all hope is lost, you ask to be a part of my life.

Why Now?

You expect me to forgive you as easily as I would decide what to eat.

Why Now?

Its now because its always been never.

Wasting My Breath

Why do I even bother talking to you anymore?
This breath was meant to teach, is snatched away and is gone forever.
You know nothing of raising children, why try raising an animal?

Don't bite, don't mess on the floor!

If you think his bite is bad, beware my temper and the messes I can make.

You deserve all the respect you show me. None.

I shouldn't have had to raise myself and be left searching for a father figure.

You were there! You should have been the father I needed.

Its too late now, the chance and hope has died long ago.

The chance for you to step in when I really needed you.

The hope for you to change and become the man I dreamed would walk me down the aisle.

If you won't even change for your own mother, why should I keep hoping you'll change for me?

We go about our days, mumbling incoherant greetings to one another;

Giving information only when neccessary, and to the extreme minimum neccessity at that.

Why don't we just go on with our own lives?

Its getting easier to ignore you when you're here.

When you're gone, there is peace, times I look forward to.

Things would be so much easier to find out there's another woman or another family.

It would make so much sense;

Your attention and affection would be towards them and explain the cold shoulder we recieve.

But there isn't another family, you just don't know how to love.

I keep trying to forgive and move on.
You wouldn't believe how many times a day I choose to forgive you.
Each time I forgive and see hope for change,
You do or say something to open my eyes once again to your ignorance.
Once again I release the hate and disappointment.
I release you, you will no longer be a burden and cause of worry to my life.

Until next time.

ARGH!

I can't stand when I'm sitting in one room and my parents are in the other and they start talking about me in hushed voices. Like they think I can't hear them or something! Frick, if you're gonna talk about me, do it when I'm not around, or just ask ME! At the moment I'd probably only give one or two word answers, but its better than talking behind my back. Its bad enough going through all these tests and health crap without having this added on to it. At this point, I can't stand living with my dad. Can you say 20 questions every time I walk past him? Either pay attention to my life for my whole life, or don't expect me to let you into it now. Why the interest all of a sudden? Wasn't my childhood good enough for you to notice me until now? Take some responsiblity once in awhile! You wanted a dog but have no idea how to raise any living thing. How long will it be before you get bored with him and start neglecting him? Oh wait, neglect happens after there's been some care invested. Whoohoo, he listens to you once out of 10 times, and then goes and makes a mess on the floor. Of course you don't teach him where to do his buisness, but instead yell at him and call him stupid. Emotional abuse just never seems to stop with you does it? Its like Bel said last night, maybe abuse isn't necissarily learned, maybe its something they've always been. Oh my heck, you can't even be civil to the people on tv!STOP BEING SO FRICKIN JUDGEMENTAL. Emphasis on the Mental! Would it kill you to show an ounce of support without expecting something in return? No I guess that might just kill you. Hmm...lets try it. I know that if time or your health doesn't kill you first, I'm bound to do something. Just SHUT UP for ONCE!!!!!!! I'd just like to drop one big F-bomb.
Ok, well that was a nice rant.

So another frustrating thing in my life right now is my health. First the dr's thought I had lactose intolerance, which was fine, I've gotten used to the milk and can take digestive helpers. When the stomach pains didn't go away, they diagnosed me with Celiac disease; a gluten sensitivity. Basically I was taken off all wheat and other grains. That sucked big time. For the first two weeks I ate nothing, unless we happened to have meat and potatoes for supper. One plus was losing ten pounds. Now, they're not sure if I even have it. Gah! So frustrating. Last week I went to the dr for pain on my lower left side (near my ovary) so they scheduled me for an ultrasound. I found out the day before that if I didn't specify or have a full bladder that the dr would be likely to do and internal! I was not ok with that. So the morning of, yesterday, I drank lots of coffee and water. It worked, no internal was needed. Whew. While Dr Lekteman was doing the scan he said my left ovary looked fine, but that there was some fluid behind my uterus. He was very concerned about it and recommended a follow up (including internal) or other measures such as putting a telescope in through my belly-button. Now I'm just waiting for a call or something to tell me what will be happening. This past year/few months have taught me that I'm one to rather be in the know and have something bad/disappointing, than be kept wondering. ie, telling Braden how I felt and being rejected was better than to keep wondering how he felt for another few months.
Also, my moods have been very crazy during all this. I've been mostly down, but try not to show it. After all we're taught its socially unacceptable to be sad all the time, you're just a downer or don't appreciate your "good" life. Along with the downs have come the anger and shortened temper. I know these feelings aren't from God, and not to put my faith in feelings, for feelings change. I've just been getting annoyed so easily and that brings on anger. I told Rob it would be so easy just to have a meltdown and how nice it would be to have a sound proof room to scream in. I'm so glad I have people like Rob and Robin to talk to. When I get really down I just call up Robin and go there and tell her how I feel. I've told her how I was close to giving up recently, and she told me she won't let me. To know that someone cares enough to say that out loud means so much. Of course we all know that there's someone out there that loves us and would miss us if we weren't around anymore, but verbal confirmation makes such a difference.

Thats all I can think of to rant and rave about at the moment so I'll sign off now.

Nobody Lives Here Anymore

Nobody lives here anymore
Its just a shell of a house that covers three very sad people.
Nobody lives here anymore
Its just a shell of a body that covers a broken spirit.

We fill our house with things to keep us busy
But we sit in front of a box that demands nothing but our eyes and ears
We fill our minds with things we would like to do to make a difference
But all we can concentrate on are the thoughts that break our hearts.

Nobody lives here anymore
There is no noise of laughter
There is no clutter of life
There is only the echoing of quiet depression.

Nobody lives here anymore
We go on with our daily routines:
We meet and greet, we work and eat
But we don't live.

We have no friends
We are not friends.
We don't talk to one another - there is nothing left to say
We don't talk to others - there's too much to say.

Nobody lives here anymore.

Rosemarie Metz
February 2002