Apathetic is a pathetic way to be...?

I feel like I'm just going through the motions of happiness lately. Nothing seems to please me anymore; writing, reading, relaxing and even hanging out have all begun to let me down. Maybe it's just me that's the let down. I don't know.

There was a time when I was happy, when I could write a poem or two and feel immense pride at the gift God had given me. Now I feel like I'm writing for other people, for the expectations of becoming a great published writer. I want my work published, but if it means losing my joy for the art, is it worth it? Maybe I'll just keep writing and have everything published after I die. That would be less stressful. And then I wouldn't have to do any of the phone calls and contract crap. One of the frustrating things about writing is I've had a couple dreams about really good poems and when I wake up I can't remember a single word or idea from them. They're lost to me when conciousness returns.

I had a dream last night about my Gramma's funeral, but I had written a different poem for it. Except in my dream, I think Robin was reading the poem. I do remember that one though, it was about a happy re-birthday, about being reborn in heaven and all that stuff. I think I might try and write it and have it read at my funeral. We could do a celebration funeral, with birthday cake and all that stuff, that'd be less depressing I think.

Not that I plan on dying anytime soon, I've been thinking about funeral planning a lot lately. Shantelle had her's all planned out and it was amazing. The best funeral I've ever been to in fact. Not to sound morbid or anything, but I'd like to write down the things I've thought of for my own funeral. First of all, I do NOT want to be cremated. Ever. I want the service to be in Efree, not North West. If those two things are done wrong, don't bother going, it wouldn't be my funeral. I want to have a medly of these three songs sang: How Great Thou Art, Because He Lives and It Is Well With My Soul. I was singing those three in daycare one day and I really like the easy transition from one song to the next, plus the message in each is and has been a part of my life since birth. Because He Lives was sung or played at my baby dedication and the Sunday that I told Pastor Bob about my suicide attempts. How Great Thou Art is an amazing song, especially during the thunder storm while CITing. And I really like It Is Well, because when everything else seems to be going wrong, I rely on God and know that it is well with my soul when I remember his love for me. On the back of the bulletin, I want it to say that donations can be made to Efree for missions funds. Since I plan on going to Jerusalem and am struggling with the financial, I want other people who have been called to go into the world to be able to have money available to them. I want a eulogy or ugooglee to be read, a short message, and maybe two tributes or whatever. I don't want it to be a two or three hour long funeral. Also, some congregational singing would be awesome. Worship has always been a source of healing, repentance, forgiveness and reassurance for me, and plus, we should praise God in everything, even death. I don't know what songs I would want, since my taste in music will probably change by the time I die (assuming I live a long life). And, like Shantelle, I want the people to be fed afterwords. Not only because I like to eat, but because a lot of people will have to travel most likely. Oh, and by the way, you don't need to wear black to my funeral. I never did like wearing it, and don't want it to be all dark and depressing; my life saw enough of that, why bring it to the very end? If I were to die in Jerusalem, let me be buried there, but still have my funeral here. The costs to ship a coffin are probably insane, and really, its just a body, so it won't really be needed in the church. If you do need something to symbolize me or whatever, just have a picture or something. I've heard of people burying a coffin filled with the person's stuff when there was no body; don't do that, it won't do anything but rot in the ground, like my body. The stuff that can be used to help others, give it to them, otherwise throw it away. Except my poetry of course. Anyways, I had other stuff to write about on here.

It seems that I've become an easy target for emotional beatings again. I used to defend myself everytime someone hurt me. Then people got angry saying I was so defensive and couldn't take a joke. So I tried to improve on that. And I did a pretty good job, maybe too good I'm thinking. I've become the doormat again. I just sit there and take it. No matter how close to tears or anger I am, I sit there and smile. Trying to laugh with those who are laughing at me. Last night was a good example. The comments just kept coming as if they thought it was okay. The one that bothered me most of all, was Lacey saying I woudn't ever get a tattoo. I don't even care if she was joking. Where does she get off saying what I will and will not do? She doesn't even know who I am anymore. I hate people limiting me because they think I'm weak. Why do you think I don't cry around anyone anymore? Just to give them another reason to make fun of me? No thanks. Does she not think I've thought about tattooing long enough to know is gonna hurt like poop? I know all this and still want to do it. So don't ever say that I can't or won't.

Now I'm just getting angry and depressed again, so its time to leave. Don't worry about me, "I'll be just fine pretending I'm not".

Here's a link to my poetry. If you want to read through it all, great, if not don't worry about it. There are currently 51 poems on there, so I'll understand if you don't want to read them all. Plus I'm sure most of you have read almost all of them; a lot are on here as well. I'm not worried about offending anyone, they are what I felt at the time, if you don't like it, that's your problem. There are some pretty depressing/scary ones though, so you've been warned. Of course, there are uplifting ones too; gotta have a balance right? Anyways, without further stalling, here's the link: www.froannaspoetry.blogspot.com Haha so easy to remember, since its similar to this blog's link. Well, there you go. I'll be posting my poetry on there from now on, so if this one doesn't get updated in awhile, that would be why, its updated on there! I know its just one more place to keep track of and whatnot, but it's important to have all my writings in one place so I can keep count of them. Thanks for your support and inspiration. :)

The Music Of My Soul

A note is struck, a rumble fills the room
the audience holds its breath
the beginning cadences are beat out one after the other
energy consumes the heart of every man

The conductor's wand directs each note
introducing new instruments with every wave
deep emotion is captured and delivered
a soprano resounds throughout the amphitheatre
sending chills and raising hairs

The music softens, woodwinds slow the pace
the tune has become a faint heartbeat
with the lowering of the wand,
so stops the music
not a sound is made for many moments

With new fervor, the conductor strikes up a quick crescendo
the silence is conquored by cymbals and trumpets
the flutes trill, the violin bows dance upon the strings
the music spreads like fire, sending warmth and excitment to the listeners

The players return to normal time and continue the piece
still with energy they play the notes written down
and suddenly, as if in the middle of it all, they stop

I put down my pen, satisfied with the work thus far
For you see, I am the composer
and this is the music of my soul.

Dear Braxton

This is a letter to Braxton, a baby at daycare.

Dear Braxton,
I'm enjoying spending time with you and am glad that God brought you in to my life. You are so amazingly funny and silly. Thank you for brightening my heart.
Some days, you are a perfect angel and I fall more in love with your little antics. Other days, though, you become Jekyl and Hyde; changing from a cherub to a monster. Yet everytime the bad comes out, you run to me and pucker your lips for a kiss of apology and forgiveness. You don't know the ways you make my heart melt.
The times I have the most fun with you are when I tickle you and listen to you giggle, and after I've changed your diaper and stand you up on the change table and ask, "Are you ready?", you immediately crouch down and get ready for lift off as I swing you through the air, bringing laughter to us both.
Even through all the frustrating times and the times when both of us are sick and just want to sleep, you manage to bring a smile not only to my face and heart, but to my spirit as well. What I've learned this past month is that babies are the best anti-depressants that could ever be prescribed.
I'll never forget our special times when we sit together on the red chair and you drink your bottle and drift off to sleep. You're almost getting too big for those times, since you now sleep on a cot, and I know I will miss that.
I pray that God will work in your life and place a hunger and thirst for Him in your very being. I don't know what you'll grow up to be, but know that God will always be with you. I also know that you are too young to remember who I am when you get older, but I hope I never forget you and the part you've played in my life. I hope my future children appreciate the time I invest into their lives and know that love and patience were taught by you, Tony, Jordan, Braenna and Hailey. You'll make leaving this town all the more harder, but I will just have to trust God to take care of you when I no longer can.
I love you so much!
Love, Joanna

Infant's Dreams

The children are all sleeping,
the moon is shining bright.
The crickets are softly playing,
making music in the night.

Their tears and fears become your own,
and are enough to break your heart.
Dripping paint smeared across paper,
becomes a treasured work of art.

(First stanza written November 2, 2006; second stanza written November 4, 2006)

One Really Long Weekend And Post

It all started on Wednesday night: After the NBI thing (which I didn't really enjoy, not in the right mood I guess), Robin and I took off to Andrew's, only to find he and Carrie were gone but would be back soon. So we waited there, in his house, alone. It was kinda funny actually. Then they came and Robin's mom freaked out on MSN and we were all scared that she was gonna come over and have a harry coniption. She didn't, but Carrie called her and most likely didn't help things out much. So, they danced a bit and then Carrie left. Andrew made us Itchi-ban noodles, which were good, and sang to us while we ate. My tummy was real jibbly, but I didn't really pay attention to it. Robin and he danced some more and then he drove us home. I sat around, on the computer (of course), and then mom went to bed. I followed soon after, or so I thought. While I was still upstairs with an even jibblier tummy, I saw and tasted my noodles again. Yuck! I haven't puked in forever, it was not an experience I want to repeat. So I took some drugs and went downstairs. I wrote a poem (below) and made many trips to the bathroom. I tried sleeping and failed miserably. So I watched some movies which I can't remember right now. At about 5am, I decided that my tummy was stable enough to try and sleep again, or in my case, finally. So I went to bed, got nice and warm and then cold and warm again (good ol' flu) and closed my eyes. Next thing I knew it was time to get up.
Thankfully I didn't have to work and slept in a little bit. We were leaving for Calgary and J&D told mom and I to be ready for "a bit after lunch". So we waited. And waited. I was too shaky and jibbly to bother with a shower, even though I felt real sickly. After a couple hours I said, "Man I could've taken like three showers by now!" Of course, they took long as always. When they finally came (2pmish) we packed up the van and were off. The boys were fighting and crying before we even got on to the highway and it all went downhill from there. By the time we got to St. Walburg, we had a blown-out tire. So we sat there for a bit while Dwayne looked around for a cheap spare and changed it. Phil called saying dad had cancelled their hotel room and told them they were staying at Aunty Kathy's. Boy, did that set tempers off! Good times. Dwayne called the hotel and found out it hadn't actually happened, that dad was just being a jerk. Or himself I guess. So we drove to Lloyd and Dwayne got better tires so we didn't have to drive 90 the whole way. We went to "the Walmart" and I got new shoes since I didn't think it would be appropriate to wear sneakers to another funeral. We went to Tim Horton's and took forever and a day because they're stupid and should probably be shot...in the big toe. By the time we left Lloyd it was nearly 8pm. Yup. 6 hours from Meadow to Lloyd. Yay.
After that things were much smoother. The boys and I (including Dwayne) watched most of Narnia. It was funny because Dwayne kept putting his arm around me to bug Jenn. We finally got to Calgary after midnight and mom and I stayed with J&D so we didn't have to wake people up at Kathy's. That was...fun?...no. After we all got settled down, apparently mom sounded like a goose with a sinus infection. All but Jenn slept through it. And at 3-3:30 I had a lovely coughing fit. I got an extra pillow out of it, so I can't complain much, especially since I didn't know I was coughing in real life until mom told me to get a drink. I was having quite a good dream through it all too. Oh well. So then we got up, showered (YAY) and went to Kathy's. And thus began the awkward third-wheelness. Its great when you haven't seen your family for over a year and yet you still feel like an outsider. We got the tour of their massive house and I went with dad and Carlos (cousin-in-law) to pick Phil & Lexi up at the airport. I was so happy to see them! (I have to be nice cuz I know you're reading this haha). We went back to the house, after I made sure I could stay at the hotel with them so I wouldn't have to be at Kathy's or a frickin bed & breakfast. We visited upstairs and then got kicked down to Grammie's suite so Tes could clean. Yeah, that was weird, sitting in a room that my Gramma had just died in three days ago. Creepy McCreeperson I tell you what. We worked on flower arrangements and butterfly stick thingy's. That was at least a little bit fun. We went back to the hotel to change for supper and then when to this Chinese restaraunt. Personally, I didn't like it at all. It was just the start of more Dethmer/Metz seclusion. Fun times. We went back to Kathy's to "visit" and work on the picture board. Well Jenn & Lexi worked on it mostly. And they did a really good job. Finishing at midnight and heading back to the hotel was good. No more being ignored for now at least.
I must say, sleeping in Phil & Lexi's room was...interesting. There were times I wished for earmuffs. And blindness. Haha. It was good though overall. We all spent a lot of time talking about how sick my cousins, Arthur & Heather were. They're brother and sister about 5 years apart. Yet, if you didn't know them, you'd think they were almost married! It was really gross. You could say they were very "fondle" of each other. *barf* The worst part was he had his girlfriend with him the entire time!
Okay, wake up, get dressed, do your hair, eat breakfast, go to the church an hour before the funeral starts, sit in a back room basically by yourselves (the Metz siblings anyways), and make fun of your family. Check. Listen to an old geizer pray for ten minutes before we are "processioned" into the sanctuary which is filled with old people you've never met. Check. Sit in a freezing room and listen to the old geizer talk about your Grampa more than about your Gramma. Check. Come on! He's been dead a year, lets focus on the most recent one already! Blast! Listen to your cousins and Aunty & Uncle talk/cry for a freakin hour nearly. Check. Get up and forcibly read the poem you wrote. Check. By the way, no tears were shed, only silent anger at the stupidity of this whole service. More people talk, sing, pray forever and a day. Miss Rob and Robin. Freeze some more. Nearly fall asleep. Check. Hear the old guy talk about food and nearly run for the aforementioned. Listen to him pray. Yet again. Check. Processionalize out, while passing the old people who are looking at you funny because you're not crying. Check. Stand around with family, when you really want to attack the food. Listen to half a dozen "Oh your poem was so beautiful, did you write it yourself? It was so meaningful, you really have a gift, I know she would be proud of you. Yadda yadda yadda." Check. Oh, Nicky, you're hungry, here let me help you get some food! Finally! Get some food, sit in a circle with your immediate family, ignored, yet stared at by the old'uns. Check. Become the mother of three with one comment. Check. Feel awkward, leave the kids by themselves. Check. Eat some more, not because you're an emotional eater, but because you just sat through a two and a half hour funeral that was really even about your Grammie at all. Check. Get grossed out by your cousins, condolencedized by more old people. Drop "suttle" hints that its time to get outta here. Check. Finally leave the church. Hallelujah!
Yeah, that was a fun morning-afternoon. Not. Seriously, one of the most impersonal, angering funerals I've ever been to. We head back to the hotel and sleep for about half hour. Get loaded into the van again and go to the Mausoleum for yet another service thing. Put the box in a glass wall filled with other boxes. Take some family pictures because its always a photo shoot with my family. Look around, "chit chat", and go back to the hotel. Jenn tells me to be ready in an hour to go to Kathy's for supper. Okay. Go back to room and visit with Tim & P&L. I hear the Voth's in the hall and think they're coming to get me. After awhile, I no longer hear them and go looking at T&C's for them. "Are they here?" "No they just left." Great. So, I rush down the stairs and look in vain for their van. Gone. Excellent. I have to intrude on T&C and P&L's supper plans. We drive around looking for a restaruant, on the right side of the road, and end up at BP's; even though Nicky "just wanted to go to Hooters!" hahahahaha. Its not about owls, Nick. We get seated and order and wait. And wait. Nick & Tim go to the bathroom and I take Shanna as they're getting back. What I missed was Nick getting hip-checked into the corner of a wall by a waitress. I miss all the good stuff. We get back to Nicky laying his head on a bag of ice in Phil's sweater. The story is told and we wait for our food. Apparently the cooks were fighting, "sorry for the wait, the manager is trying to work things out." Great. Our food comes, cold and we eat. Nick's pepperoni was bad and I felt sick from my pizza. After an hour forty five since arrival we finish up and head to Kathy's. Nick's meal was free, and they had the audacity to wonder why Tim didn't leave a tip! DUH! You concussed my nephew! We walk in and see the Dethmers sitting at one table and the Metz's at another in two different rooms. Cuz that really makes you want to eat supper with them hey? I'd take crappy service BP's any day. Oh, and Arthur and Heather cuddling on the couch with her seperating Arthur and his girlfriend. That'll make you want to keep your meal down. Again, not. We sit around and "visit" again. Say goodbye to some people, sit around some more. Then, Heather sits on my dad's lap. GROSS! You're 22 for Peter Paul and Mary's sake! Grow up a bit. *barf again* Finally we head back to the hotel after "it was so good to see you's" and real hearfelt hugs...haha I'm funny. Yay! Sleep! Not remembering that the time has changed for them, I set my alarm for 7:15 so I can be ready to leave a bit after 8. I get dressed and lay back down to wait for Tim & Clare. Oops you fell asleep and its now 8:30! Jump out of bed and open the door to see T&C in the hallway. They had tried to get breakfast an hour ago, also forgetting about the time change. So we all head down and eat some foods. More goodbyes, this time real and heartfelt (seriously). I go with T&C back home.
It was quite enjoyable, everytime I woke up we were somewhere new. I had no idea where we were since we went the Drumheller way to get to Osler where their van was (used a rental). I could've gone pee in Nickleback's hometown, but decided to hold it (bad idea). We order food at the A&W Express and head out. I slept some more and read a bit. We drove through Rosetown and I remembered "Ax of Murder" dramafest. Then on to the Osler Gramma and Grampa's house for supper. That was fun, Clare and I got to vent to Frank & Mary about my weird and annoying family. We left and went to NB and got donuts at Tim's and drove home.
So here I am, venting to you guys. I have to work in less than 9 hours. Yay, so not looking forward to it. I feel like this month has been a waste where work is concerned. I missed a day for one funeral, called in sick once and took bereavment (sp?) leave for 3 more days for another funeral. Last week I only worked one day, which of course had to be the day my Gramma died while I was there. Both people died while I was at work, or I found out about them there anyways. Such good memory making times. People dying, babies pooping on me, eating hairy buffalo meat. Yeah, this month sucked. Hardcore. But I did get to hang out with Robin and Nicole, Lana, Jen Fry and Eryn Cockrum. Dang it I miss you Rob.
On top of it all, when we were in Lloyd, I realized that I had forgotten my anti-depressants at home. Whoohoo, sure to be an emotional weekend I thought, but it really wasn't, except for anger and annoyance. I'm going to sleep now hopefully. Good night.

The Lighthouse And The Butterfly

There was once a lighthouse and a butterfly.

He brought shelter in a storm,

and she gave beauty to a rocky landscape.

As they grew together; his light spreading across the vast waters,

the butterfly decided it was time to spread her wings.

She travelled far and saw many beautiful things,

but always longed for the company of the lighthouse.

A great storm came, one that the lighthouse could not battle.

The butterfly sensed that something was wrong and tried to get back.

She tried to find her beloved friend, but it would seem

that he had gone where she could not follow.

Saddened, the butterfly stayed close to the rock upon which the lighthouse once stood.

One night she had a dream,

she was with her lighthouse again, warmed and protected by his light.

She awoke and found her dream had come true.

The lighthouse saw her and its light shone bright around her.

They were together once more, but were not forgotten.

His light saved many and her beauty brightened countless lives.

They were where no storms could reach them,

together forever, where no more pain could come.

In loving memory of Katherine Vaughn Metz
March 28, 1925 - October 24, 2006

and Arthur Hamilton Metz

October 11, 1917 - September 17, 2005

This Well Is Running Dry

This well is running dry
One after another they reach in
Expecting the same refreshing
That came so easily before

It takes more effort than it should
To quench a thirsty traveller
A task once simple to fulfill
Now causes strain on the rope & pullies

The water has become farther away
Gone is the daily renewal
Forgotten are the times of renewing
The water's healing is nearly only a legend

Each lowering of the bucket
Brings the imminent dryness closer still
Perhaps it will be made in to a wishing well
Rocks filling up the bottom
Chipping away at the parched walls

The water itself is beginning to lose its quality
Becoming muddied and silty
Still the travellers come and drink
Hoping for more of its enlightenment

This well is running dry
Water is scarce and the rope is frayed
The next draw of the bucket takes effort
The expectant drinkers watch in disappointment
Nothing comes out

Finally catching up.

Oh where to begin? Let's back up to...last week I guess. I went on an extreme emotional rollercoaster in the timespace of about two days. On Wednesday, I was on my lunch break and sitting by myself when I realized that it was my Grampa's birthday. Or, at least it would've been, but he's been dead for over a year. That bummed me out. Then, after work I went to aerobic kick boxing with Nicole and Eryn and then swimming with them, Lana and Jen Fry. My endorphins were so through the roof. Other than the screaming pain in my quads and abs from being out of shape, I was in a great mood. We all, except Jen, slept over at Eryn's. It was real good times. I got up real early to get to work and had a pretty normal day. All was going well until Tiff called Diny at work. I was holding/just finished feeding baby Jordan and didn't tune in to the convo until Diny said, "Oh no, she did?" I looked up and she said, "Shantelle died this morning. Needless to say, I got up and held on to Diny for support as I cried, still holding Jordan, who was laughing at my tears. After talking with Diny for a bit, I went on a 15 min break. I went to the Door to talk to my mom and see if she knew. I walked around the corner and saw Jennifer walking away. I told mom to call her, cause I could hardly talk, and she turned around and we walked to each other and cried together. Apparently, Chester had come to the Door around 2:30, by now it was about 3:15 or so, and told people about Shantelle. My mom didn't want me to know, because she knew it would finish my day. I cried for a bit, then had to go back to work. I think I just pushed it aside, it hadn't really sunk in yet. I went home, had supper, looked at her blog, and went to Jr Youth. That was hard. I was so out of it and really didn't want to deal with loud bratty kids. (And yet I work in a daycare). So that was my weird week/couple days. I was really sad, really REALLY happy, and then really really sad again.

That was Thursday, I had to figure out a way to get to S'toon for Shantelle's Funeral on Monday. Jenn & Dwayne said I could go with them. So I did. It was a really nice funeral. I didn't plan on crying, I put make-up on to ensure this, but it didn't work out. I bawled. There were moments when I wanted to hold Darren's hand (I was sitting next to him), but I got through it alone.

I'm sure there was more I wanted to write about, but in the process and procrastination/busy life, I've forgotten it. Oh yeah, yesterday I fainted at the hospital after getting TB testing. I didn't faint because of the needle, but because I had waited too long between meals. Plus my cold/flu added to it all I'm sure. When I got back to work I was playing with the kids and had two on my lap in a chair. One got down, and wanted to get up again. She really stunk, and she had just pooped. What I didn't realize right away was that I was her target. And she hit her mark. I got pooped on. Sick! I felt really gross for the rest of my shift. But then I went to youth group and watched Ernest Saves Christmas (funny times) and found a letter from Dione in my box. I would've cried, but had to go back up. Meh, its ok. I still felt the emotions. Thanks Dione, it meant a lot and I really needed to hear those words at that moment. Anyways, I need to do laundry and sleep. And check other internet stuff. Like my Myspace...haha I got suckered in to it. Check it out! www.myspace.com/froanna so original eh?

PS One of my favorite parts of the S'toon trip was on Sunday night when we were all in bed at the hotel and said good night. We (Jenn, Dwayne and I) all said, "Goodnight _____ I love you". And for once I knew that we all really meant it. I know we don't say I love you a lot in my family, but it is nice to hear it once in awhile. So family: I love you! and Good night.

I Give Up On Titles...

I'm at a place again where I want to write, but don't know what to write. Of course, every time I say this, I end up writing a very long, confusing, muddled, non-corelating blog. I feel empty. I long for love, happiness, and peace, to name a few. I want marriage and a family of my own. One that hasn't been tainted by hatred. I want my own little fairy-tale. I mean, really, what girl wouldn't love having her own castle? (the Prince Charming doesn't hurt either). I've got to stop reading historical romance books. Its most likely not helping. But really, are love and family the desires of my heart? Are they the deepest? God I wish you would show me. When does an interest become an addiction? When do fear-filled daydreams become prophetic? I most likely have more non-sensical wonderings to spout about, but I have to get up for work tomorrow.

Babies cry. A lot. And they drool. I feel sticky. I might have to shower daily (oh no! haha).

Ok, I know I really shouldn't make a big deal about this, but its starting to bug me. Turkey day is one of the few holidays that hasn't died/sucked for me thus far. Will there be turkey for me? No. We get ham. Yay. I know I should be grateful that I actually have the privilege of choosing between ham or turkey and that I even get anything at all to eat. It just sucks because I was really looking forward to turkey, potatoes and gravy, stuffing and some delicious pumpkin pie. I guess it wouldn't really make sense for my mom to buy a turkey for three people. We'd have left-overs for weeks (although we always do anyways). Gahhhhhhh. I just want to go back to my childhood where everything was normal and special and turkey-filled. haha.

In other news, if you haven't already heard, I quit at Bean There. There was way too much shifty buisness and stress for me. It was a really good job and I had fun while it lasted, but I'm glad and at peace that its over. I'll be starting at Tiny Treasures day care at the Hope Center. I'm so excited! I spent a couple hours there on Monday with the babies and my heart was captured. They're so cute! and quite easy to handle. Maybe they were having a good day, but I'm sure there'll be good and bad days in the future. I love the fact that I'll be the fourth Metz to work at the Door. I get to see mom and Tim & Clare everyday, plus Nicky and Shanna are in the daycare, so of course, I'll see them a lot. I can't believe how homesick I got working at Bean There. I hardly ever saw any family except on weekends and the half hour or so it took for mom or dad to pick me up.

What am I gonna do when I leave? I still lived in the same house as them, just never saw them. I'm gonna be across a huge ocean and couple continents! I know that this is where God wants me to be, but can't help wondering if I'm going at the right time. I sometimes doubt my motives when I've had a fight with dad and say that I can't wait to leave. Am I usuing Jerusalem as another escape? Most likely, but it was also a calling before it was an escape.

Ok, what the crap is going on with me lately? I can never seem to get filled up! Its beginning to worry me a bit. I'm always hungry and am not eating really bad junk food when I get hungry. This is good, but then why isn't the moderately healthy stuff filling me? And I don't think its the flu, because its staying down and in normally. I seriously don't want to deal with thoughts of anorexia again, but all this eating is making me gain weight which in turn is making me hate myself. I almost cried today when Gayce called me "absolutely beautiful". She told me to start believing it, but I'm glad that she also understands how hard that can be. I just wish that I wasn't so freakin messed up all the time. If its not one thing, its ten other different things. Honestly, I'd like to be able to look back on my life and say, "I was really healthy at this point." Mom says the hungriness is probably from inactivity, but really, I've only been "inactive" for two days now. And this has been going on way longer. Effin hormones suck. Its annoying, I'll eat, feel satisfied, stop, and half an hour later need to eat again. And I was doing so well with my weightloss. Maybe when I'm running after small children all day I'll get back to normal.

Anyways, enough complaining. I am thankful for creative expression, family, friends, and freedom.

Ah sweet depression, my ever present comforter-controller. We are but on the eve of our fifth year since you were brought into existence. Or perhaps it was just acknowlegement and you were here with me all along. What shall I cover you up with next? Insistent planning of an ever-nearing future? I've used up all excuses to splurge my "hard-earned savings". Although I'm sure I could always think of more.

And what have you brought along with you? It seems to me as though misery, deception and failure are never far from your side. I wallow in my self pity, only to be angry at myself for not cheering up. This in turn causes more self pity, knowing that I'm ungrateful and will never be good enough to love because I, myself, do not love. Ironically, its myself I do not love. I decieve myself, trying to be thinner, quieter, louder, less "curvy", tanner, less of myself. Deception is a recipe for failure, for everyone knows that if you decieve yourself, you'll only fail at impossible, most-likely imagined, unrealistic goals. Thus, the cycle of depression begins again, stronger, if not moreso, than the last round.

And so, here I sit, after a personal photo-shoot. One that I began to capture my true self in the moment. One that I left, only after editing and "perfecting" every picture that I deemed "worthy". Who sets these standards? One could always blame the media. Or the age old "all bad things are a result of sin". But do/are we do(ing) anything about it? Once again I'm moving from subject to subject, not connecting them enough to make sense to anyone other than myself. But then again, isn't that what it's all about? Our personal struggle and accomplishments through this mess we call life? And does anyone ever find the meaning of life; before the life they were trying to fill with meaningfulness is over and forgotten?

For fear of becoming too philisophical for my own understandings, I will end here and leave you with the "beauty" I've captured in these wee hours.

Blogger is being tight and only letting me upload two. If you're truly interested in the others, be warned, they're very raw and somewhat disturbing.

Now you know.

Cracked, Slightly Broken

Cracked, slightly broken
an earthen vessel on a shelf
Awaiting the day of renewal
To once again feel purpose

Cracked, slightly broken
yet this vessel remains together
The wound, although deep, isn't more
Than the handiwork can withstand

Cracked, slightly broken
seemingly forgotten and left to deteriorate
Patiently it sits upon the Potter's shelf
Knowing only He can repair the damage done

Cracked, slightly broken
the earthen vessel is placed upon a table
To be made new, it must let its Maker work
Beautiful once again, but not without going through the fire

Cracked, slightly broken
a heart still beats inside
Striving for beauty, yet
Afraid to trust the Potter and His refining fire

Cracked, slightly broken
the heart continues to fill itself up
All the effort is to no avail
As imitation love seeps through, widening the crevices of pain

Cracked, slightly broken
this heart has had enough
Tired of doing things on its own
She surrenders to her Maker

Cracked, slightly broken
a new experience is felt
Over flowing with love that is true
Love that repairs all past cracks

Cracked, slightly broken
are the hearts of many others
Seeing their pain and knowing true healing
The once crumbling heart ministers to ones as she once was

Dione On A Blog

Here's the link to Dione's blog: www.childoftheking7.blogspot.com I helped her make it. :)

Check it out. Do it. I dare you to. Go on. You know you want to. Are you doing it yet? No? Why not!? DO IT! It's Dione! On a blog! Ok. GO. haha like the band. And Go.

Blind Dates And Coffee Cups

Here she sits at a table for two
eyes open, yet unseeing of the beauty around her
People pass by,
sights and sounds are unoticed and forgotten

I watch her play with the handle
of a cup of warm liquid
Ignoring the contents,
she is more fascinated
with the vessel

Wondering what it is on her mind
that could bring such intense concentration
I, myself, sit and stare,
unaware of the very act

She checks her watch,
breaking her personal reverie
A look passes across her face;
I know not whether it is disappointment,
or resignation

A moment passes and as she rises to leave,
she looks at me and gives a smile;
A smile with beauty I've yet to see challenged

Here I sit at a table for two
thinking of the girl who was waiting
for me.

To clear up confusion...this was written from a guy's point of veiw. In the words of Robin "I'm not a lesbian you guys!"

Magnificent Obsession by Steven Curtis Chapman

Lord, You know how much
I wanna know so much
In the way of answers
And explanation
I have cried and prayed,
And still I seem to stay
In the middle of life's complications
All this pursuing
Leaves me feelin' like
I'm chasin' down the wind
But now it's brought me back to You
And I can see again

This is everything I want,
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one
Consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You,
Jesus,
Be my magnificent obsession
Yeah-yeah, yeah, yeah

So capture my heart again,
Take me to depths I've never been
Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy
Return me to the cross,
And let me be completely lost
In the wonder of the love
That You've shown me
Cut through these chains that tie me down
To so many lesser things,
Let all my dreams fall to the ground
Until this one remains

This is everything I want,
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one
Consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You,
Jesus,
Be my magnificent obsession
My magnificent obsession
Yeah-yeah, yeah, yeah

You are everything I want
And You are everything I need
Lord, You are all my heart desires,
You are everything to me

You are everything I want,
You are everything I need
I want You to be my one
Consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You,
I want it all to be for You
'Cause You are everything I want,
You are everything I need
I want You to be my one
Consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You,
Jesus,
Be my magnificent obsession
Be my magnificent obsession
Yeah-yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh-oh, oh, oh

Only For You

This is a poem
and it is only for you
to show you that
my love is true

It's not for the rest
just only for you
I'm telling you now
that you are the best

You are more beautiful
than any simple flower
If you don't believe me
just give me an hour

Spend time in His Word
and seek His face
When battles are hard
together we'll finish the race

I write this for you
my sister through love
I pray that some day
we'll both find love that is true.

And Many More

Not one more year
Just one more day
One more day of being
Inconsistenly
Consistent

Not one more smile
Just one more mask
One more mask that hides
Truthful
Deceit

How have I changed
If at all stayed the same
From a calendar ago
To now
Since then?

What is the use
Of this vicious cycle
That leaves in its wake
Wisdom and
Wrinkles?

Not one more year
Just three hundred sixty-five
Days of memory
Filled
Blocked

Not one more smile
Just one more tear
Hidden and brushed away
Moving
On

How will I change
If not stay the same?
I pray it won't be so
Only
Grow

What use will I be
In the cycle of other's lives
Will I gain from them
Wisdom
Wrinkles?

Not one more year
Just one more day
One more day
Filled with
Praise




As I reflect on this year, the trials and triumphs, I realize that I need to give God praise until there is no longer breath in my body; even then I will praise Him with the angels! My prayer for this year is that my life will be worthy of the calling that I've received.

Ephesians 4:1-6 (NIV)
1As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. 4There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called— 5one Lord, one faith, one baptism; 6one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

Day With The Fam

So I spent the day with my family and the Krumrei's (Ryan's in-laws). We all had lunch at the golf course and then everyone, minus Tim & Clare, went out to the cabin Dwayne's building for his cousin. I've never been there and was quite amazed at how huge it is. I got a bit dizzy looking up at the ceilings (23' high!) and enjoyed going on the roof/balcony. Jonathan and Caleb built a "fort" in one of the rooms downstairs and wanted me to come see it. The let me in and said it was only for 7-20 year old people. I thought it was sweet how excited they were to include me. I miss having fun with those boys, even when they're too noisy or repetitive.
We were out side and the lake was really calm so I got mom to talk a picture of me by a tree.
Then we all headed over to Bethel for supper. I walked with the boys, they enjoyed it and I enjoyed their company. We beat almost everyone there, except Dwayne, who took a short cut (cheater, haha). We all had to wait for the two old geezers who also decided to walk. It was so weird being up there again without any campers or friends/co counselors. We ate, took pictures as we fed Whiskey Jacks and a frisky squirrel, and started to pack everything up.

Mom took a picture of Gerry and Talita and I just had to get a picture of
me against the autumnal canoes. I love the changing colors of the leaves! God's nature is so amazing. Its the best backdrop for any photo. Now we're home and I'll be back at work tomorrow (yay...). I got a little bit discouraged on Friday, but I'm sure things will work themselves out eventually; I've just got to stick to it. I've got more at stake than proving to my dad I can handle responsibility. I need to get out of here. Anyways, I had a good day today. I didn't do anything I planned to do this weekend, but I did read more of my book. I'm such a nerd. Oh well. Food for thought I guess. I should do laundry so that I have clothes to wear this week. Otherwise I might have to get up early tomorrow morning and do it (oh no! not morning!).

You Gave Me New Life

You asked me if I would
give You my heart
I held it tight and asked
what's in it for me?

You told me in exchange
I would gain life
All I had to do was follow
and trust in You

You said it wouldn't be easy
but well worth the pain
I knew what You said was true
and gave you my heart

You called me Beloved Child
and showed me joy
I expected to be hurt again
but wasn't because You are Love

I Gave You My Heart

You asked if you could
borrow my heart
I placed it in your hands
No strings attached

You took that heart
and placed it next to yours
Until their love pumped together
Making us one

You began to not show
any more interest
The love-flow weakened
Pain filled my heart

You gave my heart back
broken, bruised and weak
I looked through teary eyes wondering,
why did I ever trust you?

That's A Pickle...

So, there's this thing called money. It has many purposes: further economy, gain possessions, create opportunities to travel, ensure a better seat at restaraunts, still wagging lips, make bad things disappear. It must be good if it can do all that right? I have trouble believing that. The pickle part is, I need money to get to Jerusalem and I really don't like having money. I'm afraid of having so much in my wallet (need to deposit it tomorrow) or even in my bank account. I buy so many unneccesary things when I know I have the funds to do so. Or I just nickle & dime it away. There are three or four things I do need, no matter what. They are glasses ($300 or so), passport ($80-100 I think), work visa (no clue) and I forgot the other one...mustn't have been too important. I'm also finding that having a driver's liscence would be a great asset so I don't have to taxi home at night and mom won't worry about me walking home. Thing is, I don't want to drive. I'm not afraid to, I just don't see the need. Sure, I'm uncomfortable riding in taxi's, though I've never done it, I'll surely get used to it. Besides, carpooling is better for the environment anyways. Even though I'm not carpooling...wow that one blew up in my face. Wow I just checked airline prices; it's gone up $600 since the last time I checked. $2412, from Stoon to Tel Aviv on Northwest Air. That's leaving in January and returning in July (longest time the site would allow). I don't know when I'm going, so don't take January as a set in stone date. Air Canada's flight (I just messed around and clicked a few things) is only $2347.94; not much of a difference but it's better. Anyways, this has all got me a bit overwhelmed. In short, I don't like money and the pressure it puts on me. All I know is that I want to get out before the next blow up. Although those odds get slimmer every day...

Just a Rant

Wow, I really can't wait to leave this house! Don't mind me, its probably just the little sleep talking, but I need to get this out. If I'm not getting the third degree 20 billion questions, I'm being treated like a freakin retard. How can a person ever excell if they aren't expected to, rather expected to keep doing worse. This expectation of failure is just a set up so that he can point out yet another of my mistakes. When I find something I enjoy doing, its never good enough. Maybe there is always something better out there, but when you find something good and satisfying, wouldn't it make sense to hold on to it? What irks me the most is in almost all conversations that he's trying to gather information from me, he already knows what he needs to know. So why must I waste breath and effort? Why can't I just move on. I've been trying so hard! Just let me go, let me live, let me breathe. Talking is becoming so futile; if I'm not telling you what you want to hear, you're only hearing what you want to. How can everyone else say that I have to love and respect you when you give me no reason to, only many reasons not to? Probably the dumbest part of this whole thing is I'm only hurting myself. You probably don't even notice, you're always in your own little world. I don't know why I didn't get a job sooner, its one more thing that gets me away from you. I wonder if you've ever noticed, that everywhere I've applied, are places you never or rarely go to.

Anyways, that was my rant. And my 50th post...I'm catching up Robin. Haha.

First Day At The Bean There Cafe

Well, I just got off my training shift and other than sore feet, it rocked! Seriously, I'm so happy that we went there last night. God totally knew my heart wasn't in to working at Coop, and provided an alternative. Working with Jazzy as my "boss" was so much fun. She taught me how to do everything and said it so I'd understand. I especially appreciated the hands-on time she gave me. After letting me answer the phone once or twice, I just automatically did it. Same with making drinks and running the till. It was also cool to do dishes with her; we got some good chatting time in. I really love how easy she is to talk to. It would've sucked if I didn't get along or didn't feel comfortable with the people I work with. It just makes for awkward times. She totally gave me the confidence to make different drinks all night. She was always encouraging, or if I screwed up, like spilling the tin of tea, she didn't yell, but helped me clean it up and reassure me that she'd done it before too. I didn't mess up any orders and I doubt if anyone knew it was my first day. Other than Morgan Todd, who I told. Man, Jon and Laura called like 9 times each! Jon's so easy to joke around with and he's really laid back which made working there less stressful. I'll get to work with him on Saturday so that he can retrain me. Jazzy says he does it to everyone, so it's not that I sucked or anything, just so he knows how they work out. I only burnt myself three times and Jazzy once (didn't hurt though). I made her a drink and she really liked it. I like the two that I made for myself as well. The biggest compliment she gave me was that I made foam as good as Jen Fry!!!! Yes that's right Robin, I'm as good as Jen Fry! Ok, for fear of getting a big head, I should shut-er down. I have to make the dreaded call to Coop to tell them I'm taking the job at Bean there. Its okay, they knew I was offered it and that I wouldn't be working with them for long since I'm leaving as soon as I've got the money and the paper work. That doesn't make me want to call them any more though. Oh well, I've gotta do it. Okay, gonna go do something cooler than this...most likely a movie. I live an exciting life!

Praises

So, God is pretty amazing. I prayed a lot last week, as did others, that I would find a job soon so I could start getting serious about going to Jerusalem. As you've read, I sent out 7 resume's yesterday. I went for the interview at Coop (just got home) and it sounds like a really good job. I didn't ask salary, mainly because I forgot, but because I'm not really comfortable asking about money. But they do have some sweet benefits and pension plan. I probably wouldn't be there long enough to get on the pension thingy, but benefits would start right away. I told him I would have to get back to him, since I'm checking out another offer today. He was okay with that. I seriously think that if I had said yes to being available, I would probably be working today! He mentioned getting a uniform today already. God is so cool. I was like "God, I need a job" and He was like "Okay, how bout two? And don't worry about waiting any longer. Just get out there, I will do the rest." I'm a little bit overwhelmed right now because this all happened so quickly. The weird thing is, I wasn't even going to apply at Coop. Now I've got some time to kill before going to the Bean. Got some chores to do and have to call B-blinda. I'll most likely post another one about how my java experience goes. Ohhhhhhh Jazzy Nickel!!!

God is GOOOOOOOD!!!

So today I was reminded of how good God is. I've been hard core procrastinating about getting a job, but today I printed off my resumeaeaeaaaaa dealy and handed it out around town. In probably less than an hour, I'd already gotten an interview scheduled at the Co-op. I realized while filling out the application for Co-op, that I left out info on my resume such as computer skills and other things I've forgotten. Also, I didn't know the addresses for any of my references or previous places of employment. I'm bad at that. I could've had an interview on the spot, but Bob had to go pick up or deliver something. Then I continued on my merry way, depositing resume's to 4 other places, making a grand total of 7. Oooh I'm so pro at this. haha. After going back to Homestal's like 3 times, I found out they'd hired a part-time person two days ago. I was saddened, but moved on. In the mean time I had got some sweet cinnamon bun from Clare at the Door (thank you, it was goooood) and basically finished my resume route. After I was all done I hung out with my mom in her "office" and then went to Robin's. We discussed our days, danced a little and tried to find out who Brent likes. Terri made some delicious burgers, veggies and instant mash *drool* and I ate a second piece of carrot cake made by Robin. We then went to watch "John Tucker Must Die". It was hilarious!! Seriously, Robin and I were the loudest people in the theatre cuz we were laughing so much. Especially when we "awwww" 'd together. After a brief discussion/laugh with the other girls, we headed to the Bean. I got a job offer while deciding what I wanted to drink. Yup. God rocks. So tomorrow I have an interview at the Coop and a trial run at the Bean. I get to work with none other than sweety-pie Jazmyn Nickel!!! I'm so pumped. I'd like to thank all of you who prayed that I would find a job that I'll like. God truely works through prayer. I think workin at the Bean would be great to start with because it doesn't have the large crowds a grocery store would. Plus, all the cool people go there. And I'll get to work with Mitch, Stobbe and Diana...bit worried about that one. I also love the fact that I wouldn't have to wear a uniform! I hate those. Anyhow, I'm gonna go take a shower...or play a game, then shower. Yeah, that's it.

PS Senior Teen was deadly. There was some tough moments, but the good ones mostly out weighed them. I'm so happy that Eryn was my counselor. Many a good laugh with that girl. She makes it fun to be myself; even if I'm a big nerd. Trevor was a bit iffy in my books, but everyone else seemed to like him a lot, so that's cool. Jef and Dione were a great team. It wouldn't have been the same without them. Thanks for giving our cabin food even after we broke the counselor bed! And Brent was a big butt most of the time. He angered me on many occasions. But I got to see AJ and his wife eventually so that was good. And I got to see the beautiful Katie Senn, and all of Brucks family. Wow this is a really long post-script. In the words of Brenton Isaaks: End scene.

Am I

Am I talking just to hear my voice?
Am I acting just to show how hard I tried?
Am I crying just to show these eyes haven't dried?
Am I bleeding just to know I'm alive?
Am I worrying just to pass the time?
Am I waiting for the day to pass just to let go of one last breath?
Am I starving just to pass the beauty contest?
Am I living just to pass into the next?
Am I writing just for a cry of attention?

Am I?

Actshuns.

You pass them in the hallways
but do they know you're there?
For thirteen years
you've lived out your lives
seperate
together.

There was a time they noticed
but was it only fuel for gossip?
You learned your lesson
smile through the hard times
cry
alone.

Being trained to constantly act drains
but is there time to be real?
Showing them the off-stage you
could gain approval, or be
snatched
away.

Let your guard down and stop the madness
but are you ready?
To let all come into light
requires all involved to
be
ready.

These restraints have become a safety net
but are they only restraining you?
You've built up walls to protect
fortresses of lies and false happiness
stay
strong.

You perform for them with expertise
but is that what they're asking?
You're afraid that what they see
is your ticket freedom from getting
the
shun.

I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty...

Well, I got excited and found some sweet templates on the web. I decided since my outer appearance has changed, my blog should as well. I've got a lot saved, so if I get bored again, don't be surprised if you don't recognize this spot.
In other news, I have to go for "further tests" on my thyroid. I was at the dr today and he said they found a small (pea/grape sized) nodule on my thyroid that concerned them. They want to do an ultrasound guided biopsy (refered to North Battleford) to determine whether or not this thing is cancerous. If it is, they'll remove it, if not, they'll leave it and monitor thyroid activities. If it is, no worries of it spreading, no one has ever died from thyroid cancer and the likelihood of someone my age having cancer is unlikely, or so he said. Its intersting how people can tell you "not to worry about it", but by saying that, it almost increases the worry tenfold after hearing the word cancer.
My current mood: confused & frightened

Woot to All-Nighters!

Yup, that's right folks, it seems that I just can't sleep on Wednesday nights. This is my 2nd consecutive all-nighter since last Wed (obviously). Last week, I was just preoccupied looking at sweet tattoo designs, I could've gone to bed, but my interest was elsewhere. This week/today/yesterday/whatever though, I was in bed reading, getting relaxed and I realized how sickly messy my room was. So, I got up, got two garbage bags (one garbage, one clothes) and proceded to clean my room. Oh yeah, and I got some rubber gloves! And a bandana for over my mouth. I really don't want to get sick before Sr. Teen. I threw out like a b-jillion shopping bags and really old receipts. *and a lot of hair (barf)* After I could see my floor I got the broom and swept up a lot of sickly deteriorating floor crap. Hence the bandana for my mouth & nose. Oh yeah, I went and got a juice box, cuz I was feelin woozy. Haha woozy. So, the floor sicklyness was bountiful in volume and crumblies. I sound so smart without sleep.
Interesting...
Throughout this whole process I had, dare I say it?, been putting stuff away! Yay I do know how to organize! I love me, cuz even though you couldn't see the stuff through the piles of other stuff, I still knew where most everything was. And when I didn't know it was underneath stuff, I got cool surprizes! Like knee socks! Yeah! OOOH! then I vaccuumed and now my floors (plural for the random pieces of carpet) look perttyfull! Then I continued to put stuff away, shocking I know, and even made a sweet rock garden. Robin, come get your rock from BC already. haha. Then I stripped...my bed...haha...and got a sweet bed set from upstairs (thanks Holly for leaving it at home) and put it on my bed...dur.
Now I'm upstairs....writing. I was gonna take a shower, but I forgot dad put laundry in already. Oh well, not like another day will kill me. But I do feel extra gross what with dust and other such residue on my epidermis. Awww I miss Mr. Snodgrass. Oh the grand times of Herme's Hormones. I'm such a fluke.
There is an insane amount of traffic for this time of the morning. Or maybe I'm just not used to mornings. Yeah, that's it. I wish we had a waffle maker. That would be grand. Oliver stinks. Hmm, so do I. "If ya can't beat them, join them" right? On that note, I'm gonna join fellow "gamers", take a shower and join people in select parts of Africa who are sleeping.
WOOT!(I just realized woot contains enough letters to do all variations of the word(s) two/to/too) High five for insanity!

Artful Lies

Imperfections covered up by gossamer strands
tightly woven intricacies
give the appearance of beauty
while true beauty is suffocated
by artful lies

Back to Reality?

Well, well, well...I haven't done an "update" in awhile so here we go! Junior teen camp was amazingly fun, challenging, stretching and a learning experience to say the least. I had a good cabin, one girl made a first-time commitment (that sounds so...phony and buisnesslike). I had a great time with them during devo's, God really laid a bunch of stuff on my heart and definately gave me a group who were dealing with these things.
After that, I was supposed to be at kid's 3, but got sick on Sunday and wasn't needed due to extra staff. This was disappointing, but I really REALLY needed a week off to catch-up on life I guess. I was missing Robin a lot and got a great surprise when she came home from her friend's cabin early! That was great, I think I was starting to go a bit crazy. So we hung out a lot, of course. Next week she was off to Teddy Bear.
All was well because Nicole decided to come home from BC. So I spent Sunday-Wednesday with her. We scraped paint from one of their graneries, went swimming with Lana, went out to Aaron's auntie's cabin for an evening and saw Lacey at Bre's.
I got a call that Saturday saying there weren't enough kids for staff, so I, along with others, got the cut. I was...angered...to put it lightly. I'm over it now, I had a good week relaxing and hangin out with Robin. We went to Cold Lake on Monday with her mom and I had fun shopping with "Oliver-funds". Robin and I stopped in at Pizza Hut to see the Gace-atron. Chatted with her, got Lacey Nadon'd, learned about Pizza Hut policies and such. We went to the church on Tuesday, then to Rob's place so he could eat lunch, back to the church and then over to Movie Gallery to rent a movie. On the way we saw Andrew outside of Dub. We chatted a bit then continued on our way. We got "The Benchwarmers", headed back to the Dub to buy something to cool us off. Their interac wasn't working, but Andrew just got off work so we went and ran errands with him. It was awkward at first, just cuz I haven't seen him, or anyone that hasn't been at camp, for a really long time. But then things were fun and more relaxed. I saw Tim in a room at the post office and that was cool. Diana gave Robin and I dirty looks...weird. We hung out at Andrew's for a bit and then went home (Robins) and watched Benchwarmers. Oh boy...it is hilarious! I laughed so much. I love it! We ate, sat around, had a good talk, and watched it again with Terri. Wednesday we just hung out and such. I went home...and didn't go to sleep. Mom and I watched the lightning and rain around midnight or so. Then I went downstairs, watched tv, played on the comp,etc. Around 2:30 I was gettin hungry/thirsty so I went upstairs to make coffee and snacks (weird eh?). I heard a lot of yelling, some guys wanting to fight, and got scared. So I called 911 and then the cops came and took away the guy that was yelling at the one that had already gone home. I went downstairs (now full of adreneline) and looked at different and many tattoo designs for the rest of the night. I went and watched tv in Phil's old room, then upstairs. Rob called around 10:30 to set up an appointment. I showered and such and then went to talk to him. (By the way, it's Thursday now, still no sleep) We had a jolly good talk. Yup. Then he went to get his hair cut and I hung out at the church with Tiff and Aaron. I went on a magical trail ride provided by Aaron and many popsicle sticks. It was great fun. Then Tiff and I went to Robin's for banana boats/apple submarines with her and Bailey. So yummy and sticky. Aaron came and we went up to camp for Talent Nite. Being there was only 18 or so campers, it was short and...lacking? yes. But it was great to see Belinda and KENT! hehe Kent. Brent was Brent at me, so I walked away. Then Checho gave me my cheque (whoohoo) and Tim, Clare & the kids came up to talk to Checho. I played on the swings with Nick & Shan for a bit, then we had to leave. I went to Robin's and we had a good chat. Then I called up me mam and we all sat down and watched "The Wizard of OZ". Well, they did. I fell asleep. A lot. Finally. My mom took me home and I somehow made it to bed. I got up and went to continue my talk with Rob. Then he gave me a book (which I'm loving "Rumors of another world" by Philip Yancey) and I went to Robin's. We talked about the Rob talk, and her mom came home. We went to look at a house with Mik, beautiful but need A LOT of work! Then to the Dub for supper and chaffoo chaffoo. Then grocery shopping at the Coop and home again. We watched "A Series of Unfortunate Events", which is an awesome movie. I went home, to bed and was rudely and frightenly woken by Ms Terri Thomas. hehe. They wanted me to go to Mik's cabin with them. So I did.
We got all packed up, grocery shopping (again) and headed out to Greig. We toured the cabin and then went swimming, tubing and boat-riding. Even I went on the tube! It was so much fun! I couldn't see anything unless it was right beside me, could only feel the water beneath, beside and around me and kept screaming, laughing and holding on for dear life. Robin says I was real Joanna about it, but I'm okay with that. Then we did hot-tubbing and hot dog-eating. Later on we had a campfire and made smores. Robin and I turned in earlier than the old ladies and had to figure out how to safely sleep on the makeshift tri-bunk. It was adventerous and at times "precarious". We talked a bit, read a bit and slept a lot. I had mad crazy dreams...like marriage, driving, gradutation-ing, and other such festivities. Then we got up and went for another boat ride, all around the lake this time. There were a lot of trees falling into the lake due to beavers and more rain. I thought of the passage in Revelations about the mountains shall crumble and fall into the depths. That was cool and I enjoyed the moment. We went back and had a HUMUNGOUS brunch. Huge waffles and eggs and bacon...okay that's only three things, but it was so filling! Robin and I power-napped after that, it was good. I read more too. I sat on the deck with Mik and Terri, then went and read more. Robin got up and read with me. We decided it was time to go so we started to pack up and whatnot. We left and went to our seperate homes (You were probably wondering if I had a home of my own eh?) and I started writing, went to the Dub with Pa and continued to write. And am still writing.
Ok so, now we're back to reality. I have another week off. I'm hoping to get an eye appointment to get new glasses so I can actually see what I'm doing and such. I have a dr's appointment regarding my thyroid ultrasound. Its upsetting because I got that like a month ago and hadn't gotten a call back til Friday and had already put it out of my mind. Now I'm all nervous and worried. Oh well. I'll probably write more about that after the fact.
Oh boy! Next week is SR TEEN! I'm so pumped!!! Its gonna be GOOD (in a Belinda/Breanna voice). Oh boy, Jeffery Dean and Memon (Dione) have a whole bunch of deadly plans and the counsellors are real cool and Joe and Shantelle are gonna be there as well. WOOO I'm excited. Can ya tell?
Okay well, off to more adventures I suppose.

Love Heals Your Heart - Third Day - Wherever You Are

Did you think you could escape without infection
You do all you’re able to resist
Just to avoid the danger of rejection

Memory warns you of the past
When it all went wrong

When you think your life is shattered
And there’s no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You’re alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart

Everybody has a wall to climb
That was built to guard the pain that holds them captive
Every smile that they would hide behind
Will try to mask the hurt beneath the surface

Sometimes it’s hard to understand
How we’re trapped inside

I'm Bert!

You Are Bert

Extremely serious and a little eccentric, people find you loveable - even if you don't love them! You are usually feeling: Logical - you rarely let your emotions rule you You are famous for: Being smart, a total neat freak, and maybe just a little evil How you life your life: With passion, even if your odd passions (like bottle caps and pigeons) are baffling to others

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

Uh...i saw this on Brad & Jen Vidal's blog and was excited to see which Sesame Street character I am. I'm not sure how I feel about being Bert. He always got on my nerves as a kid...oh well.

Hidden Lives and Silent Cries

Hidden lives and silent cries
Hope snatched away by
Empty looks and open stares
Escape inside of me

Cover up the open wound
Come give in again
To feel alive while knowing
That numbness returns

Step into my hard embrace
See if maybe this time
You measure up to impossibility
Yearning for false beauty

Mend once more the broken heart
Making bandages from
Half-truths and shallow confidence
Hearing the silent cries in a hidden life

The Great Escape Artist

Escaping is what I do best. I've become so good that I'm never sure when I'm in hiding and when I'm safe. The hardest times are not knowing what I'm running from. Even worse is knowing the persuant and not being able to overcome it. I keep creating new ways to escape. New habits that get harder and harder to break. When I can't think of new ones, I return to my old friends, my beloved enemies. When I think I've conquored one, a new, more difficult one shows up. Preying on me constantly, waiting for me to give in, or move on to the next one. A person gets tired from running all the time, never knowing who to trust, never being able to trust yourself. When a bad escape appears I have two choices: give in and feel worse than when I started, or wait and see if I forget about the need to escape. If I've done this, I've moved on and am safer than before. If I haven't forgotten, I can yeild to the first choice, or continue the waiting game. In some cases, time is my friend. In others, it cruely reminds me of how easily I give in and how long I've been giving in for.
Escapes I can think of at the moment are:

• not sleeping
• over/under eating
• obsessive weighing
• cutting (becoming harder to deal with)
• "that other thing"
• distracting myself (from dealing with my problems)
• poetry (the only good escape)
• anger
• getting out/running away
• being moody
• the temptation of alcohol; even if I don't drink, the thought/want is just as hard to deal with
• internalizing emotions
• putting myself down so its easier to deal with others' critizism. If I tell it myself, others just confirm the lies I think.
• basic reclusiveness/hybernation

Well my brain is starting to shut down, being 4:30am...
So long, farewell, auch von de musica and so forth.

Confining Camp Crushes...

Yes, that's right, I have another stupid camp crush. I hate them. They're so not allowed! Especially mine. For fear of the person reading this, I refuse to name him, but I will write about him. I had the privillege of spending three weeks up at camp getting to know an amazing guy. He's funny, mature, smart, silly, strong in his faith, encouraging, makes time for me and makes me feel important and wanted. I feel like I could tell him anything and everything about me and it would be okay. That doesn't happen for me with hardly anyone. I think only two people know basically everything about me. Even that was hard, and they're my best friends, which should make things easier, but it was still difficult telling even them. Anyways, this crush is especially "not allowed" because of camp, and because of my own morals. I feel like a horrible person (no matter what other people say) because he has a girlfriend, and he barely pays attention to her. I felt so bad being around them both, and she knew something was going on, but I hope I hid it well enough to let her know I wouldn't ever take him from her. I don't ever want to be "the other woman" or the boyfriend stealer. I have enough problems without this added on. Its so confusing because, all the time he's making me feel special, I'm making myself feel guilty and undeserving. Oh, and I'm also "unethical". I know I said I wouldn't care if Rob shut down what I said, but I do/did. I don't know how to handle this situation. I want to be both of their friends and make things work between them, but at the same time, wish he were "available". Don't worry Rob, its not your fault, I knew I would come out of that session beating myself up. This is why I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to write about this, I had it figured out so that I would only write a poem (You) and then move on. But I can't move on. I can never move on, because I'm Joanna and I cling on to things like this for months. Or I just don't deal with them and they come back and kick my butt all over the place. I hate talking about him with other people, because no matter how nice they say things, my crazy mind turns them into more ammo to beat itself up with. The worst kind of abuse is that which you inflict upon yourself. AAAAAAAH! I need to find a healthier way of letting my emotions out. Ways that aren't triggering of self-harm. Ways that aren't my usual esape artist ways. Oh blast, eh? I'm out of ideas. Ideas for venting and ideas for dealing. ok bye.