Actshuns.

You pass them in the hallways
but do they know you're there?
For thirteen years
you've lived out your lives
seperate
together.

There was a time they noticed
but was it only fuel for gossip?
You learned your lesson
smile through the hard times
cry
alone.

Being trained to constantly act drains
but is there time to be real?
Showing them the off-stage you
could gain approval, or be
snatched
away.

Let your guard down and stop the madness
but are you ready?
To let all come into light
requires all involved to
be
ready.

These restraints have become a safety net
but are they only restraining you?
You've built up walls to protect
fortresses of lies and false happiness
stay
strong.

You perform for them with expertise
but is that what they're asking?
You're afraid that what they see
is your ticket freedom from getting
the
shun.

I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty...

Well, I got excited and found some sweet templates on the web. I decided since my outer appearance has changed, my blog should as well. I've got a lot saved, so if I get bored again, don't be surprised if you don't recognize this spot.
In other news, I have to go for "further tests" on my thyroid. I was at the dr today and he said they found a small (pea/grape sized) nodule on my thyroid that concerned them. They want to do an ultrasound guided biopsy (refered to North Battleford) to determine whether or not this thing is cancerous. If it is, they'll remove it, if not, they'll leave it and monitor thyroid activities. If it is, no worries of it spreading, no one has ever died from thyroid cancer and the likelihood of someone my age having cancer is unlikely, or so he said. Its intersting how people can tell you "not to worry about it", but by saying that, it almost increases the worry tenfold after hearing the word cancer.
My current mood: confused & frightened

Woot to All-Nighters!

Yup, that's right folks, it seems that I just can't sleep on Wednesday nights. This is my 2nd consecutive all-nighter since last Wed (obviously). Last week, I was just preoccupied looking at sweet tattoo designs, I could've gone to bed, but my interest was elsewhere. This week/today/yesterday/whatever though, I was in bed reading, getting relaxed and I realized how sickly messy my room was. So, I got up, got two garbage bags (one garbage, one clothes) and proceded to clean my room. Oh yeah, and I got some rubber gloves! And a bandana for over my mouth. I really don't want to get sick before Sr. Teen. I threw out like a b-jillion shopping bags and really old receipts. *and a lot of hair (barf)* After I could see my floor I got the broom and swept up a lot of sickly deteriorating floor crap. Hence the bandana for my mouth & nose. Oh yeah, I went and got a juice box, cuz I was feelin woozy. Haha woozy. So, the floor sicklyness was bountiful in volume and crumblies. I sound so smart without sleep.
Interesting...
Throughout this whole process I had, dare I say it?, been putting stuff away! Yay I do know how to organize! I love me, cuz even though you couldn't see the stuff through the piles of other stuff, I still knew where most everything was. And when I didn't know it was underneath stuff, I got cool surprizes! Like knee socks! Yeah! OOOH! then I vaccuumed and now my floors (plural for the random pieces of carpet) look perttyfull! Then I continued to put stuff away, shocking I know, and even made a sweet rock garden. Robin, come get your rock from BC already. haha. Then I stripped...my bed...haha...and got a sweet bed set from upstairs (thanks Holly for leaving it at home) and put it on my bed...dur.
Now I'm upstairs....writing. I was gonna take a shower, but I forgot dad put laundry in already. Oh well, not like another day will kill me. But I do feel extra gross what with dust and other such residue on my epidermis. Awww I miss Mr. Snodgrass. Oh the grand times of Herme's Hormones. I'm such a fluke.
There is an insane amount of traffic for this time of the morning. Or maybe I'm just not used to mornings. Yeah, that's it. I wish we had a waffle maker. That would be grand. Oliver stinks. Hmm, so do I. "If ya can't beat them, join them" right? On that note, I'm gonna join fellow "gamers", take a shower and join people in select parts of Africa who are sleeping.
WOOT!(I just realized woot contains enough letters to do all variations of the word(s) two/to/too) High five for insanity!

Artful Lies

Imperfections covered up by gossamer strands
tightly woven intricacies
give the appearance of beauty
while true beauty is suffocated
by artful lies

Back to Reality?

Well, well, well...I haven't done an "update" in awhile so here we go! Junior teen camp was amazingly fun, challenging, stretching and a learning experience to say the least. I had a good cabin, one girl made a first-time commitment (that sounds so...phony and buisnesslike). I had a great time with them during devo's, God really laid a bunch of stuff on my heart and definately gave me a group who were dealing with these things.
After that, I was supposed to be at kid's 3, but got sick on Sunday and wasn't needed due to extra staff. This was disappointing, but I really REALLY needed a week off to catch-up on life I guess. I was missing Robin a lot and got a great surprise when she came home from her friend's cabin early! That was great, I think I was starting to go a bit crazy. So we hung out a lot, of course. Next week she was off to Teddy Bear.
All was well because Nicole decided to come home from BC. So I spent Sunday-Wednesday with her. We scraped paint from one of their graneries, went swimming with Lana, went out to Aaron's auntie's cabin for an evening and saw Lacey at Bre's.
I got a call that Saturday saying there weren't enough kids for staff, so I, along with others, got the cut. I was...angered...to put it lightly. I'm over it now, I had a good week relaxing and hangin out with Robin. We went to Cold Lake on Monday with her mom and I had fun shopping with "Oliver-funds". Robin and I stopped in at Pizza Hut to see the Gace-atron. Chatted with her, got Lacey Nadon'd, learned about Pizza Hut policies and such. We went to the church on Tuesday, then to Rob's place so he could eat lunch, back to the church and then over to Movie Gallery to rent a movie. On the way we saw Andrew outside of Dub. We chatted a bit then continued on our way. We got "The Benchwarmers", headed back to the Dub to buy something to cool us off. Their interac wasn't working, but Andrew just got off work so we went and ran errands with him. It was awkward at first, just cuz I haven't seen him, or anyone that hasn't been at camp, for a really long time. But then things were fun and more relaxed. I saw Tim in a room at the post office and that was cool. Diana gave Robin and I dirty looks...weird. We hung out at Andrew's for a bit and then went home (Robins) and watched Benchwarmers. Oh boy...it is hilarious! I laughed so much. I love it! We ate, sat around, had a good talk, and watched it again with Terri. Wednesday we just hung out and such. I went home...and didn't go to sleep. Mom and I watched the lightning and rain around midnight or so. Then I went downstairs, watched tv, played on the comp,etc. Around 2:30 I was gettin hungry/thirsty so I went upstairs to make coffee and snacks (weird eh?). I heard a lot of yelling, some guys wanting to fight, and got scared. So I called 911 and then the cops came and took away the guy that was yelling at the one that had already gone home. I went downstairs (now full of adreneline) and looked at different and many tattoo designs for the rest of the night. I went and watched tv in Phil's old room, then upstairs. Rob called around 10:30 to set up an appointment. I showered and such and then went to talk to him. (By the way, it's Thursday now, still no sleep) We had a jolly good talk. Yup. Then he went to get his hair cut and I hung out at the church with Tiff and Aaron. I went on a magical trail ride provided by Aaron and many popsicle sticks. It was great fun. Then Tiff and I went to Robin's for banana boats/apple submarines with her and Bailey. So yummy and sticky. Aaron came and we went up to camp for Talent Nite. Being there was only 18 or so campers, it was short and...lacking? yes. But it was great to see Belinda and KENT! hehe Kent. Brent was Brent at me, so I walked away. Then Checho gave me my cheque (whoohoo) and Tim, Clare & the kids came up to talk to Checho. I played on the swings with Nick & Shan for a bit, then we had to leave. I went to Robin's and we had a good chat. Then I called up me mam and we all sat down and watched "The Wizard of OZ". Well, they did. I fell asleep. A lot. Finally. My mom took me home and I somehow made it to bed. I got up and went to continue my talk with Rob. Then he gave me a book (which I'm loving "Rumors of another world" by Philip Yancey) and I went to Robin's. We talked about the Rob talk, and her mom came home. We went to look at a house with Mik, beautiful but need A LOT of work! Then to the Dub for supper and chaffoo chaffoo. Then grocery shopping at the Coop and home again. We watched "A Series of Unfortunate Events", which is an awesome movie. I went home, to bed and was rudely and frightenly woken by Ms Terri Thomas. hehe. They wanted me to go to Mik's cabin with them. So I did.
We got all packed up, grocery shopping (again) and headed out to Greig. We toured the cabin and then went swimming, tubing and boat-riding. Even I went on the tube! It was so much fun! I couldn't see anything unless it was right beside me, could only feel the water beneath, beside and around me and kept screaming, laughing and holding on for dear life. Robin says I was real Joanna about it, but I'm okay with that. Then we did hot-tubbing and hot dog-eating. Later on we had a campfire and made smores. Robin and I turned in earlier than the old ladies and had to figure out how to safely sleep on the makeshift tri-bunk. It was adventerous and at times "precarious". We talked a bit, read a bit and slept a lot. I had mad crazy dreams...like marriage, driving, gradutation-ing, and other such festivities. Then we got up and went for another boat ride, all around the lake this time. There were a lot of trees falling into the lake due to beavers and more rain. I thought of the passage in Revelations about the mountains shall crumble and fall into the depths. That was cool and I enjoyed the moment. We went back and had a HUMUNGOUS brunch. Huge waffles and eggs and bacon...okay that's only three things, but it was so filling! Robin and I power-napped after that, it was good. I read more too. I sat on the deck with Mik and Terri, then went and read more. Robin got up and read with me. We decided it was time to go so we started to pack up and whatnot. We left and went to our seperate homes (You were probably wondering if I had a home of my own eh?) and I started writing, went to the Dub with Pa and continued to write. And am still writing.
Ok so, now we're back to reality. I have another week off. I'm hoping to get an eye appointment to get new glasses so I can actually see what I'm doing and such. I have a dr's appointment regarding my thyroid ultrasound. Its upsetting because I got that like a month ago and hadn't gotten a call back til Friday and had already put it out of my mind. Now I'm all nervous and worried. Oh well. I'll probably write more about that after the fact.
Oh boy! Next week is SR TEEN! I'm so pumped!!! Its gonna be GOOD (in a Belinda/Breanna voice). Oh boy, Jeffery Dean and Memon (Dione) have a whole bunch of deadly plans and the counsellors are real cool and Joe and Shantelle are gonna be there as well. WOOO I'm excited. Can ya tell?
Okay well, off to more adventures I suppose.

Love Heals Your Heart - Third Day - Wherever You Are

Did you think you could escape without infection
You do all you’re able to resist
Just to avoid the danger of rejection

Memory warns you of the past
When it all went wrong

When you think your life is shattered
And there’s no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You’re alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart

Everybody has a wall to climb
That was built to guard the pain that holds them captive
Every smile that they would hide behind
Will try to mask the hurt beneath the surface

Sometimes it’s hard to understand
How we’re trapped inside

I'm Bert!

You Are Bert

Extremely serious and a little eccentric, people find you loveable - even if you don't love them! You are usually feeling: Logical - you rarely let your emotions rule you You are famous for: Being smart, a total neat freak, and maybe just a little evil How you life your life: With passion, even if your odd passions (like bottle caps and pigeons) are baffling to others

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

Uh...i saw this on Brad & Jen Vidal's blog and was excited to see which Sesame Street character I am. I'm not sure how I feel about being Bert. He always got on my nerves as a kid...oh well.

Hidden Lives and Silent Cries

Hidden lives and silent cries
Hope snatched away by
Empty looks and open stares
Escape inside of me

Cover up the open wound
Come give in again
To feel alive while knowing
That numbness returns

Step into my hard embrace
See if maybe this time
You measure up to impossibility
Yearning for false beauty

Mend once more the broken heart
Making bandages from
Half-truths and shallow confidence
Hearing the silent cries in a hidden life

The Great Escape Artist

Escaping is what I do best. I've become so good that I'm never sure when I'm in hiding and when I'm safe. The hardest times are not knowing what I'm running from. Even worse is knowing the persuant and not being able to overcome it. I keep creating new ways to escape. New habits that get harder and harder to break. When I can't think of new ones, I return to my old friends, my beloved enemies. When I think I've conquored one, a new, more difficult one shows up. Preying on me constantly, waiting for me to give in, or move on to the next one. A person gets tired from running all the time, never knowing who to trust, never being able to trust yourself. When a bad escape appears I have two choices: give in and feel worse than when I started, or wait and see if I forget about the need to escape. If I've done this, I've moved on and am safer than before. If I haven't forgotten, I can yeild to the first choice, or continue the waiting game. In some cases, time is my friend. In others, it cruely reminds me of how easily I give in and how long I've been giving in for.
Escapes I can think of at the moment are:

• not sleeping
• over/under eating
• obsessive weighing
• cutting (becoming harder to deal with)
• "that other thing"
• distracting myself (from dealing with my problems)
• poetry (the only good escape)
• anger
• getting out/running away
• being moody
• the temptation of alcohol; even if I don't drink, the thought/want is just as hard to deal with
• internalizing emotions
• putting myself down so its easier to deal with others' critizism. If I tell it myself, others just confirm the lies I think.
• basic reclusiveness/hybernation

Well my brain is starting to shut down, being 4:30am...
So long, farewell, auch von de musica and so forth.

Confining Camp Crushes...

Yes, that's right, I have another stupid camp crush. I hate them. They're so not allowed! Especially mine. For fear of the person reading this, I refuse to name him, but I will write about him. I had the privillege of spending three weeks up at camp getting to know an amazing guy. He's funny, mature, smart, silly, strong in his faith, encouraging, makes time for me and makes me feel important and wanted. I feel like I could tell him anything and everything about me and it would be okay. That doesn't happen for me with hardly anyone. I think only two people know basically everything about me. Even that was hard, and they're my best friends, which should make things easier, but it was still difficult telling even them. Anyways, this crush is especially "not allowed" because of camp, and because of my own morals. I feel like a horrible person (no matter what other people say) because he has a girlfriend, and he barely pays attention to her. I felt so bad being around them both, and she knew something was going on, but I hope I hid it well enough to let her know I wouldn't ever take him from her. I don't ever want to be "the other woman" or the boyfriend stealer. I have enough problems without this added on. Its so confusing because, all the time he's making me feel special, I'm making myself feel guilty and undeserving. Oh, and I'm also "unethical". I know I said I wouldn't care if Rob shut down what I said, but I do/did. I don't know how to handle this situation. I want to be both of their friends and make things work between them, but at the same time, wish he were "available". Don't worry Rob, its not your fault, I knew I would come out of that session beating myself up. This is why I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to write about this, I had it figured out so that I would only write a poem (You) and then move on. But I can't move on. I can never move on, because I'm Joanna and I cling on to things like this for months. Or I just don't deal with them and they come back and kick my butt all over the place. I hate talking about him with other people, because no matter how nice they say things, my crazy mind turns them into more ammo to beat itself up with. The worst kind of abuse is that which you inflict upon yourself. AAAAAAAH! I need to find a healthier way of letting my emotions out. Ways that aren't triggering of self-harm. Ways that aren't my usual esape artist ways. Oh blast, eh? I'm out of ideas. Ideas for venting and ideas for dealing. ok bye.

My New Hair!

My hair on July 28th, 2006



















My hair on July 29th, 2006
After 4 long-hair years, I decided it was time for a change. I got my hair chopped off and am loving the cool, breezy new me. Going from mid-back length to mid-neck length is a bit of a shock, but it's what I wanted so I guess I'll get used to it sooner or later.

So, there you go Phil, you wanted an update, here it is.:)

How Do I Feel Safe?

Why can't I say how I feel?

Why can't I act how I feel?

Why can't I think how I feel?

Why can't I show you how I feel?

I can't say because words can't explain

I can't act because that's all I've been doing

I can't think because thinking brings more questions

I can't show you because you are never watching when I try.

Why can't I find a place that's safe?

Why can't I find an emotion that's safe?

Why can't I find a thought that's safe?

Why can't I find a part of you that's safe?

I can't find a place because I can't get away

I can't find a safe emotion because too much of one hurts

I can't find a thought because I won't quiet my mind long enough

I can't find a safe part of you because you are always changing, yet the same.

You

You make me want to sing

Even when I don't know the words

You make me want to dance

Even when I don't know the steps

You tell me a story

Without saying a word

You tell me I'm beautiful

Without knowing what you've said

You brighten my day

When everyone else has passed me by

You open doors and break down walls

When everyone else has given me reason to build more

You have brought hope

Back to where there was dispair

You have brought joy

Back to where there was sadness

You have made life

Fun to live again

You have made conversation

Fun to participate in

You have become a best friend

At the time I needed one the most

You have become a faith partner

When faith was diminished

You have become all these things

If only I could tell you face to face

You have become all these things

If only I knew your side of the story

Grad and Camp

Well, it is the second weekend in July and I have a lot of things to write about. Well only two, but it will probably be a long entry. So....I graduated!!! On time, against the odds with adequate credits. Grad was an interesting day. It seemed so surreal and I was having a hard time remebering that it wasn't just rehearsal anymore. The entire day it felt like I was getting married or something; my hair and nails were done, my family and best friends came over, and everything was focused on me (well almost everything). I'm not saying I'm attention deprived or anything, but it was nice to be noticed for my accomplishments. The ceremonies were nearly painfully boring. Megan's speech was hilarious, I'll never look at pickles the same way again. I'm so glad she didn't do the cliche validvictorian speech like they've done in the past. When I got my diploma I was so excited that I walked off the stage without waiting for pictures or my walking partner. My family bugged me about not being able to get pictures of me on stage because one second I was there, the next I was gone. Before the ceremonies started, all the grads were in the hallways or rooms hanging out. It was an awkward wake up call for me about what this past year has been. I was hanging out with my friends, but the whole time I felt like an outsider trying to fit in. You see, I haven't hung out with them much at all this year except for at youth group and the odd time. I felt so alone without Robin, but it was also a good realization of how times had changed. When we got out and during the afternoon, it was raining so hard! I was quite upset because I was looking forward to outside pictures. So we rushed to the car and into the house, trying in vain not to get wet. Robin, Kirsten and FLO! were there for supper which was so fun to have them there. Man I miss Flo. We drank Raspberry Champane (sparkling cider) in fancy glasses and visited with the family. I asked God to please stop the rain and within about a half hour, the sun came out and the ground was dry. Praise the Lord! After I finished eating I changed into my dress and we went outside to take pictures. That was an ordeal, what with the sun being in our eyes and the kids (and dad) being cranky. They got done, I've yet to see them though. I got a lot of comments on my dress which was neat. The most awkward was Mr. Handspiker calling me a wench and saying if I had worn it in History he would've given me bonus marks. (He meant it the nicest way of course) Everyone called it "old school" and unique. Me. haha. I felt so out of place, everyone was wearing sparkly, skanky, satin numbers and here I was, in cotton and long sleeves. It was funny how many people were drunk before we sat down. Before we ever started the Grand March in fact. The evening program was so fun and cool (not literally). I nearly cried twice, the first when Shea thanked the Grandparents, the second when Bre, Nic and Lacey sang "Always". But I didn't. Cuz I'm a butt. I danced with Flo for the escort dance, even though he wasn't my escort. I didn't have one, but he told me to save him a dance so I figured why not this one. It was the only dance I did. Not the parent or Grandparent one for obvious reasons. Although I did find out later that Nana wanted to dance with me. I didn't stick around for very long, went home and went to bed. I'm such a party animal, eh? The next day was Canada day and my family (Tim & Clare, Frank & Mary, mom, dad & Dione) spent the afternoon/evening at Greig Lake. After supper Dione and I went for a swim and had a nice talk away from everyone else. We got some icecream and went home. I spent most of Sunday and Saturday packing for my first week of camp.
It was a pretty fun week, Kirsten was my JC and my prayer partner. This made it difficult to disguise my writing, but also made it a fun challenge. We had a pretty good cabin, one homesick and one bedwetter. Kirsten was amazingly helpful with both, especially the bedwetter. By the end of the week I was getting sick of my campers, so I hung out with Belinda and Jessica's cabin most of the last day. They had the oldest girls and on Thursday night I joined them for Girl Talk. I love being silly with that age group. They can take a joke and don't whine or cry as much as the younger ones. I had fun bonding with Brent and helping him out with games. I spent a lot of time hanging out with the CITs, mostly Taylor, Tal and Tim. I love those boys so much, and they're so cuddle-able. I really loved my cabin of girls. On Thursday night, they were mostly all asleep by 10:30! That was a relief.
This past week I spent Monday at home relaxing, reading and watching movies. On Tuesday I got the call to come to camp. After a dentist appointment and hasty packing, Dione drove me up to take the place of a sick JC. I was Breanna's JC and it was so much fun to be with her. We had the oldest girls and they were so fun and mature. We had one leave the same day I got there from the flu and the rest were good for the rest of the week. On Thursday night Jesse and I both got the flu and were sick all day Friday. It wasn't a good start to my week (Tue) because I got about 3 hrs of sleep Monday night. I was anxious about my thyroid ultrasound the next morning and couldn't fall asleep. Tuesday night was a restless sleep, making Wednesday hard to get through. I gave my testamony for the night devotion and as a result of discussion, had fightening nightmares most of the night. Starting at 2:37am I woke up every hour at that time (3:37, etc). Finally at 6:15 I go up, got dressed and went for a walk. Shaken and emotional was what I felt most of the day. I relied on Jesus so much and he carried me through with a smile on my face at most all times. Once again, when I wasn't smiling, I forced one so as to discourage any concerned questions or faces. I guess I should say I've been off my meds for about a month now. Mom wants me to go back on them, but I'm still unsure. Being sick on Friday took another toll on my emotions and energy and I was very glad to be done everything so I could go home. Thinking I could sleep was merely a dream. I took a gravol and half a sleeping pill which would put anyone out for most of a day. Not me, I was wide awake at 9am. Frustrated and grumpy. Now its time for me to shower and go on a date with Robin. Although we were across the hall, there was never time for a good long chat. I'm off to camp again on Sunday and am praying I have the energy to last the week. I'm so excited its Jr Teen and that there wont be so many clingy, crying campers. Just boy crazy, immature, vain teeny tiny teens. Anyways, pray for me this week if you think of it.

To Whom It May Concern

To those who said I was ugly, too plain, imperfect
I AM made me beautiful, unique and precious

To those who said I couldn't, wouldn't or shouldn't
I AM said I can, will, and should

To those who said I'm too weak, dumb or unable
I AM made me strong, intelligent and capable

To those who said I won't go with you
I AM said "I am always with you"

To those who said I don't love you
I AM said "My love is enough"

To those who didn't believe, trust or accept me
I AM gave me faith, hope, love and trust

To those who gave encouragement, guidance and wisdom
I AM says "Inasmuch unto the least of these, you've done unto me"



"If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

I'm Finally Done!!!

Well boys and girls, I just walked out of Carpenter High School for the last time as a student. I still have three days of exams and grad stuff, but I won't be going to the regular classes each day anymore. I did a walk through to say goodbye to everything that had meaning to me. It was so hard to say goodbye to certain places like the theatre, Boyko's room, Spike's room and the Fing's room. I couldn't even go into Helgeton's room, he was in there and that made it even harder. I have so many memories in that room. It makes me miss a lot of people: Jesse Calvert, Clint Nicholson, Randy Coier (man that guy was funny), Kory, Jacob, Jonny, Logan, Joe, Chae-rin Oh!!!, Daisy, Mina-Linn Sophie Helme Olafson, Melissa Stephenson, Tess, Jessie, Paul, Kera, Lacey, and so many others that it would be boring to name them all. Most of all, I'm going to miss Mr. Helgeton. Hopefully I'll be able to say goodbye before grad, cuz I'll probably be crying enough on that day anyways. As we were leaving and we stood in the commons area one last time, so many memories flooded my mind. Memories of eating lunch with the "cool" grade 12's when I was in grade 10, singing barber shop style with AJ and a bunch of other people, people dancing on the light pole, so many lunches eaten, so many "happy birthday's" sung, so many awkward and traumatizing Fing moments, and this year finally realizing that I am now one of the "cool" (hahahaha) grade 12's. Its so overwhelming to think that I had an impact on someone's life. I'll always remember what a great influence the grade 12's of the past three years have been on me. Maybe some of the grade 10 & 11's will look back when they're graduating and remember me. I will always wonder if my impact was a positive or negative one while I was in school, or should I say when I was in school. I'll never forget Tomoko when I came to school after not being there for a few days. She was so happy to see me back and gave me a big hug. Oh man I'm remembering so much stuff right now. Surprisingly a lot has to do with grade 10 & 11. Maybe this year is still too fresh to be reminiscing about. I'll have to post my journal entry from English when I get it back. It basically summed up what high school meant to me. This is the start of something new. The sun is out and the clouds have cleared(literally). I beat the odds and surpassed the negative expectations of so many people in my past. It's so true that "but by the grace of God" I am here where I am today. I've grown up a lot these past three years. And I've also stayed immature through them. I've done some stuff that definately was out of my comfort zone, and in a way built new borders around my comfort zone, expanding it for sure. Anyways, my journal thing will explain things a bit better probably.

Pet Peeve Rant

Ok time for a pet peeve rant. If you tell me to do something or give someone a message, I'll do it. Don't tell them or do it after I've already done it. If you don't trust me or whatever, don't tell me to do something. Honestly, if you don't want me to do it, do it yourself. Don't waste my time and my breath when you're just going to do everything yourself, your own way. Don't give me the instructions if you don't expect me to read them. Well that was a lot of don'ts. So, here's a do: do stop being a jerk and living in your own dream world. Do realize that the world doesn't stop when things don't go 'your' way. Do start taking care of your family and stop feeding your midlife crisis.
Ok so I think I'm done that part.
ONE DAY OF SCHOOL LEFT!!! Not counting exams that is. So, I got an award/certificate thingy for something I quit and wasn't even officially signed up for. Yeah, thanks a lot Ms. Hamoline. If it weren't for her scatterbrainedlyness I would have not been in really awkward spotlight today. Yeah, that was unexpectedly awkward.
Why can't memories be erased? The ones that hurt the most seem to resurface so often. Is that some twisted punishment for eating the 'apple'? Why is it so much easier to think and dwell on the bad stuff instead of being able to hold on to the happy times? Oh blast its my last day of school tomorrow. I realize I just said that all excitedly, but really it's quite sad. I'll definately have a few moments saying good-bye to the classrooms and the entire school. Stand on the stage one last time, maybe go into the office one last time (hopefully haha), maybe replace the ghost in Paylor's room. Anyways, I gotta go shower and get to bed at a decent hour tonight. Goodnight my devoted readers!

Personality Test

Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion

60%
Stability

33%
Orderliness

63%
Accommodation

70%
Interdependence

36%
Intellectual

16%
Mystical

50%
Artistic

56%
Religious

90%
Hedonism

10%
Materialism

30%
Narcissism

56%
Adventurousness

50%
Work ethic

30%
Self absorbed

36%
Conflict seeking

36%
Need to dominate

50%
Romantic

70%
Avoidant

56%
Anti-authority

50%
Wealth

56%
Dependency

56%
Change averse

70%
Cautiousness

76%
Individuality

70%
Sexuality

36%
Peter pan complex

70%
Physical security

83%
Physical fitness

50%
Histrionic

63%
Paranoia

56%
Vanity

70%
Hypersensitivity

76%
Female cliche

70%

Stability results were moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:
self revealing, neat, craves attention, prefers organized to unpredictable, needs things to be extremely clean, worrying, perfectionist, emotionally sensitive, respects authority, social, vain, does not like to be alone, likes large parties, controlling, social chameleon, not a thrill seeker, enjoys leadership, takes precautions, puts the needs of others ahead of their own, assertive, rule conscious, makes friends easily, always busy, heart over mind, phobic, aggressive, clingy, compassionate, dominant, outgoing, suspicious, hard working, strong

My version of Amos 4:6-11

I gave you a full stomach
and an abundance of bread
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

I showered rain on you
enough for the harvest still to come
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

I have given the people enough to drink
not withholding the waters from them
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

I have kept the pests from your garden
so it can grow and be a great source of food for you
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

I keep you safe from famine and disease
and protect you from the sword
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

I saved you from the fire
from the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

_____________________________________________

This is so true in my life right now. God keeps showering me with blessings and I complain about the things that I feel are absent in it.

Cool thing Dione gave me

You say: "It's impossible."
God says: All things are possible. (Luke 18:27)
You say: "I'm too tired."
God says: I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28-30)
You say: "Nobody really loves me."
God says: I love you. (John 3:16 & John 13:34)
You say: "I can't go on."
God says: My grace is sufficient. (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)
You say: "I can't figure things out."
God says: I will direct your steps. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
You say: "I can't do it."
God says: You can do all things. (Philippians 4:13)
You say: "I'm not able."
God says: I am able. (II Corinthians 9:8)
You say: "It's not worth it."
God says: It will be worth it. (Roman 8:28)
You say: "I can't forgive myself."
God says: I FORGIVE YOU. (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: "I can't manage."
God says: I will supply all your needs. (Philippians 4:19)
You say: "I'm afraid."
God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear. (II Timothy 1:7)
You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated."
You say: "I don't have enough faith."
God says: I've given everyone a measure of faith. (Romans 12:3)
You say: "I'm not smart enough."
God says: I give you wisdom. (I Corinthians 1:30)
You say: "I feel all alone."
God says: I will never leave you or forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5)

I've said so many of these things over the past few months. It's nice to know where these truths are found. It's easy to know the truth, but better when you have proof and some place to turn to. I hope this can be of some help to you other girls who I know are going through some of the same things as me. Even when we don't love ourselves, God always does.