ARGH!

I can't stand when I'm sitting in one room and my parents are in the other and they start talking about me in hushed voices. Like they think I can't hear them or something! Frick, if you're gonna talk about me, do it when I'm not around, or just ask ME! At the moment I'd probably only give one or two word answers, but its better than talking behind my back. Its bad enough going through all these tests and health crap without having this added on to it. At this point, I can't stand living with my dad. Can you say 20 questions every time I walk past him? Either pay attention to my life for my whole life, or don't expect me to let you into it now. Why the interest all of a sudden? Wasn't my childhood good enough for you to notice me until now? Take some responsiblity once in awhile! You wanted a dog but have no idea how to raise any living thing. How long will it be before you get bored with him and start neglecting him? Oh wait, neglect happens after there's been some care invested. Whoohoo, he listens to you once out of 10 times, and then goes and makes a mess on the floor. Of course you don't teach him where to do his buisness, but instead yell at him and call him stupid. Emotional abuse just never seems to stop with you does it? Its like Bel said last night, maybe abuse isn't necissarily learned, maybe its something they've always been. Oh my heck, you can't even be civil to the people on tv!STOP BEING SO FRICKIN JUDGEMENTAL. Emphasis on the Mental! Would it kill you to show an ounce of support without expecting something in return? No I guess that might just kill you. Hmm...lets try it. I know that if time or your health doesn't kill you first, I'm bound to do something. Just SHUT UP for ONCE!!!!!!! I'd just like to drop one big F-bomb.
Ok, well that was a nice rant.

So another frustrating thing in my life right now is my health. First the dr's thought I had lactose intolerance, which was fine, I've gotten used to the milk and can take digestive helpers. When the stomach pains didn't go away, they diagnosed me with Celiac disease; a gluten sensitivity. Basically I was taken off all wheat and other grains. That sucked big time. For the first two weeks I ate nothing, unless we happened to have meat and potatoes for supper. One plus was losing ten pounds. Now, they're not sure if I even have it. Gah! So frustrating. Last week I went to the dr for pain on my lower left side (near my ovary) so they scheduled me for an ultrasound. I found out the day before that if I didn't specify or have a full bladder that the dr would be likely to do and internal! I was not ok with that. So the morning of, yesterday, I drank lots of coffee and water. It worked, no internal was needed. Whew. While Dr Lekteman was doing the scan he said my left ovary looked fine, but that there was some fluid behind my uterus. He was very concerned about it and recommended a follow up (including internal) or other measures such as putting a telescope in through my belly-button. Now I'm just waiting for a call or something to tell me what will be happening. This past year/few months have taught me that I'm one to rather be in the know and have something bad/disappointing, than be kept wondering. ie, telling Braden how I felt and being rejected was better than to keep wondering how he felt for another few months.
Also, my moods have been very crazy during all this. I've been mostly down, but try not to show it. After all we're taught its socially unacceptable to be sad all the time, you're just a downer or don't appreciate your "good" life. Along with the downs have come the anger and shortened temper. I know these feelings aren't from God, and not to put my faith in feelings, for feelings change. I've just been getting annoyed so easily and that brings on anger. I told Rob it would be so easy just to have a meltdown and how nice it would be to have a sound proof room to scream in. I'm so glad I have people like Rob and Robin to talk to. When I get really down I just call up Robin and go there and tell her how I feel. I've told her how I was close to giving up recently, and she told me she won't let me. To know that someone cares enough to say that out loud means so much. Of course we all know that there's someone out there that loves us and would miss us if we weren't around anymore, but verbal confirmation makes such a difference.

Thats all I can think of to rant and rave about at the moment so I'll sign off now.

Nobody Lives Here Anymore

Nobody lives here anymore
Its just a shell of a house that covers three very sad people.
Nobody lives here anymore
Its just a shell of a body that covers a broken spirit.

We fill our house with things to keep us busy
But we sit in front of a box that demands nothing but our eyes and ears
We fill our minds with things we would like to do to make a difference
But all we can concentrate on are the thoughts that break our hearts.

Nobody lives here anymore
There is no noise of laughter
There is no clutter of life
There is only the echoing of quiet depression.

Nobody lives here anymore
We go on with our daily routines:
We meet and greet, we work and eat
But we don't live.

We have no friends
We are not friends.
We don't talk to one another - there is nothing left to say
We don't talk to others - there's too much to say.

Nobody lives here anymore.

Rosemarie Metz
February 2002

God Speaks

(Sunday May 15, 2005)
First Service
A lady from Israel came to church today and told us about the hospital where she works. They rely heavily on volunteers to get the work done. I heard a voice telling me to "GO".
"God is that you? If you do want me to go, replace this fear and doubt with understanding."
I thought maybe this was just another one of my fanciful wandering wishes. Yes, I want to travel. Yes, I want to be used by God to help His people, but I never thought of Israel; and I'd given up the thought of nursing many years ago.
God, when do you want me to go? I still have a year left of high school. Maybe two depending on what happens this semester. What language do they speak over there?! How will I understand anyone? What about the war, when will it end? God I know that if this calling is from you, you will provide all that I need. Prepare my heart and give me strength.

Later during the second service:
I saw Gabriella and Linda get up to leave so I "excused myself" and ran after them. "Gabriella, Gabriella! Wait!" I told her what had happened in the first service and she was so happy to hear that. I asked her more about the situation and so many of my fears and questions were answered. I didn't know how or when I was going to go, but that question was answered. She said I hope to see you next year. All I need to do to get there is buy a plane ticket and fill some stuff out with my health and SIN numbers. Room and board and food is all payed for...plus you get about $130 (Cdn) (however much that is in shekels) a month as spending money! God is funny how he tells us to do something and has everything planned out already. We as humans of course doubt that anyone could be that organized. Truly He is Jehovah Jireh: The Lord Who Provides.
So, I guess I'll be trusting in God for a lot of things. A job or perseverance to keep the job I have, perseverance to stay in school next year and overall strength. A year is a long ways away, yet it will pass so quickly.

Joanna Rose

My Heart's Cry

Verse 1
My heart is yearning and searching
For the special one to fill the voidMy flesh is longing and reachingFor a touch of love to satisfyBut Lord, You've promised
You'll always take care of meEvery need will be filled
In Your perfect timing
Only You can fill the emptiness
And the wanting I have for love

Chorus
Will I know him when I see him
Or will my heart be broken
By the one made for someone else?
Where do I go from here?
Father, I give you my life
Please give me your patience

Verse 2
Darling, I'm waiting for you
You are the only one for me
I pray for you
The man you are
And the man you are growing to be
I'm anticipating the day we meet
The day we join our lives together
The day we start our own family

Chorus
Will I know him when I see him
Or will my heart be broken
By the one made for someone else?
Where do I go from here?
Father, I give you my life
Please give me your patience

Verse 3
Although I don't know you right now
I'm hoping you'll see the love in my eyes
The love I have for you already
I praise God for the work He's doing in your life
I praise Him for the purpose and calling He's placed upon you

Chorus
Will I know him when I see him
Or will my heart be broken
By the one made for someone else?
Where do I go from here?
Father, I give you my life
Please give me your patience

New Here

Hey guys, this is my first time doing this stuff. I found this site thanks to a friend during class who was showing me her brother's blog. I think it's pretty cool to be able to post your thoughts and feelings and see what other humans out there are thinking. Well, right now, I'm thinking about sleep and food. I'm pretty excited to go to youth group tonite. Hopefully it will be fun. I'm really wishing for the weather to go back to being nice, not cold like it's been lately. I think we've all had enough cold weather to last us til next year. I've found that putting your thoughts down is really helpful; you don't get interrupted by the paper or screen, and you don't have to worry about the page saying something rude or stupid to what you have to say. Well, I guess that's all for now.