To Whom It May Concern

To those who said I was ugly, too plain, imperfect
I AM made me beautiful, unique and precious

To those who said I couldn't, wouldn't or shouldn't
I AM said I can, will, and should

To those who said I'm too weak, dumb or unable
I AM made me strong, intelligent and capable

To those who said I won't go with you
I AM said "I am always with you"

To those who said I don't love you
I AM said "My love is enough"

To those who didn't believe, trust or accept me
I AM gave me faith, hope, love and trust

To those who gave encouragement, guidance and wisdom
I AM says "Inasmuch unto the least of these, you've done unto me"



"If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

I'm Finally Done!!!

Well boys and girls, I just walked out of Carpenter High School for the last time as a student. I still have three days of exams and grad stuff, but I won't be going to the regular classes each day anymore. I did a walk through to say goodbye to everything that had meaning to me. It was so hard to say goodbye to certain places like the theatre, Boyko's room, Spike's room and the Fing's room. I couldn't even go into Helgeton's room, he was in there and that made it even harder. I have so many memories in that room. It makes me miss a lot of people: Jesse Calvert, Clint Nicholson, Randy Coier (man that guy was funny), Kory, Jacob, Jonny, Logan, Joe, Chae-rin Oh!!!, Daisy, Mina-Linn Sophie Helme Olafson, Melissa Stephenson, Tess, Jessie, Paul, Kera, Lacey, and so many others that it would be boring to name them all. Most of all, I'm going to miss Mr. Helgeton. Hopefully I'll be able to say goodbye before grad, cuz I'll probably be crying enough on that day anyways. As we were leaving and we stood in the commons area one last time, so many memories flooded my mind. Memories of eating lunch with the "cool" grade 12's when I was in grade 10, singing barber shop style with AJ and a bunch of other people, people dancing on the light pole, so many lunches eaten, so many "happy birthday's" sung, so many awkward and traumatizing Fing moments, and this year finally realizing that I am now one of the "cool" (hahahaha) grade 12's. Its so overwhelming to think that I had an impact on someone's life. I'll always remember what a great influence the grade 12's of the past three years have been on me. Maybe some of the grade 10 & 11's will look back when they're graduating and remember me. I will always wonder if my impact was a positive or negative one while I was in school, or should I say when I was in school. I'll never forget Tomoko when I came to school after not being there for a few days. She was so happy to see me back and gave me a big hug. Oh man I'm remembering so much stuff right now. Surprisingly a lot has to do with grade 10 & 11. Maybe this year is still too fresh to be reminiscing about. I'll have to post my journal entry from English when I get it back. It basically summed up what high school meant to me. This is the start of something new. The sun is out and the clouds have cleared(literally). I beat the odds and surpassed the negative expectations of so many people in my past. It's so true that "but by the grace of God" I am here where I am today. I've grown up a lot these past three years. And I've also stayed immature through them. I've done some stuff that definately was out of my comfort zone, and in a way built new borders around my comfort zone, expanding it for sure. Anyways, my journal thing will explain things a bit better probably.

Pet Peeve Rant

Ok time for a pet peeve rant. If you tell me to do something or give someone a message, I'll do it. Don't tell them or do it after I've already done it. If you don't trust me or whatever, don't tell me to do something. Honestly, if you don't want me to do it, do it yourself. Don't waste my time and my breath when you're just going to do everything yourself, your own way. Don't give me the instructions if you don't expect me to read them. Well that was a lot of don'ts. So, here's a do: do stop being a jerk and living in your own dream world. Do realize that the world doesn't stop when things don't go 'your' way. Do start taking care of your family and stop feeding your midlife crisis.
Ok so I think I'm done that part.
ONE DAY OF SCHOOL LEFT!!! Not counting exams that is. So, I got an award/certificate thingy for something I quit and wasn't even officially signed up for. Yeah, thanks a lot Ms. Hamoline. If it weren't for her scatterbrainedlyness I would have not been in really awkward spotlight today. Yeah, that was unexpectedly awkward.
Why can't memories be erased? The ones that hurt the most seem to resurface so often. Is that some twisted punishment for eating the 'apple'? Why is it so much easier to think and dwell on the bad stuff instead of being able to hold on to the happy times? Oh blast its my last day of school tomorrow. I realize I just said that all excitedly, but really it's quite sad. I'll definately have a few moments saying good-bye to the classrooms and the entire school. Stand on the stage one last time, maybe go into the office one last time (hopefully haha), maybe replace the ghost in Paylor's room. Anyways, I gotta go shower and get to bed at a decent hour tonight. Goodnight my devoted readers!

Personality Test

Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion

60%
Stability

33%
Orderliness

63%
Accommodation

70%
Interdependence

36%
Intellectual

16%
Mystical

50%
Artistic

56%
Religious

90%
Hedonism

10%
Materialism

30%
Narcissism

56%
Adventurousness

50%
Work ethic

30%
Self absorbed

36%
Conflict seeking

36%
Need to dominate

50%
Romantic

70%
Avoidant

56%
Anti-authority

50%
Wealth

56%
Dependency

56%
Change averse

70%
Cautiousness

76%
Individuality

70%
Sexuality

36%
Peter pan complex

70%
Physical security

83%
Physical fitness

50%
Histrionic

63%
Paranoia

56%
Vanity

70%
Hypersensitivity

76%
Female cliche

70%

Stability results were moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:
self revealing, neat, craves attention, prefers organized to unpredictable, needs things to be extremely clean, worrying, perfectionist, emotionally sensitive, respects authority, social, vain, does not like to be alone, likes large parties, controlling, social chameleon, not a thrill seeker, enjoys leadership, takes precautions, puts the needs of others ahead of their own, assertive, rule conscious, makes friends easily, always busy, heart over mind, phobic, aggressive, clingy, compassionate, dominant, outgoing, suspicious, hard working, strong

My version of Amos 4:6-11

I gave you a full stomach
and an abundance of bread
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

I showered rain on you
enough for the harvest still to come
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

I have given the people enough to drink
not withholding the waters from them
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

I have kept the pests from your garden
so it can grow and be a great source of food for you
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

I keep you safe from famine and disease
and protect you from the sword
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

I saved you from the fire
from the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

_____________________________________________

This is so true in my life right now. God keeps showering me with blessings and I complain about the things that I feel are absent in it.

Cool thing Dione gave me

You say: "It's impossible."
God says: All things are possible. (Luke 18:27)
You say: "I'm too tired."
God says: I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28-30)
You say: "Nobody really loves me."
God says: I love you. (John 3:16 & John 13:34)
You say: "I can't go on."
God says: My grace is sufficient. (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)
You say: "I can't figure things out."
God says: I will direct your steps. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
You say: "I can't do it."
God says: You can do all things. (Philippians 4:13)
You say: "I'm not able."
God says: I am able. (II Corinthians 9:8)
You say: "It's not worth it."
God says: It will be worth it. (Roman 8:28)
You say: "I can't forgive myself."
God says: I FORGIVE YOU. (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: "I can't manage."
God says: I will supply all your needs. (Philippians 4:19)
You say: "I'm afraid."
God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear. (II Timothy 1:7)
You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated."
You say: "I don't have enough faith."
God says: I've given everyone a measure of faith. (Romans 12:3)
You say: "I'm not smart enough."
God says: I give you wisdom. (I Corinthians 1:30)
You say: "I feel all alone."
God says: I will never leave you or forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5)

I've said so many of these things over the past few months. It's nice to know where these truths are found. It's easy to know the truth, but better when you have proof and some place to turn to. I hope this can be of some help to you other girls who I know are going through some of the same things as me. Even when we don't love ourselves, God always does.

Welcome Dione!

Hey Dione, just thought I'd welcome you to my blog. Most of my poems are found in months past, but feel free to look around wherever you want to. Hope nothing offends you or anything, I just write what I think and feel. Yup. Well...welcome to my deadly-riffic site.

I don't know what I want to write, just know that I want to write something. If that makes any sense.
I've had a pretty good weekend thus far. Yesterday I watched The Ringer with Robin, Mitch and Tay(who left and then came back with Jen Fry!) and I laughed a lot. After supper Robin and I wanted to go get ice cream and Robin suited up because it was cold out. Not to be left out, she dressed me up as well. We looked crazy. It was one of the most daring things I've done in a long time. I was definately out of my comfort zone, but it was good to get out, even if it was just to Eastside, Bean There and Rob's. Oh yeah, we went to Rob and Amanda's and watched Kingdom of Heaven with them and Dione. I love that movie so much. The fact that Orlando Bloom is in it might have something to do with that, but its also very historically enticing. Even though I hated learning about the crusades in Boyko's class, I love watching this movie, because its something I do on my own time and am not forced to learn about. I guess that's the way I work. Like taking Hamlet for example, I'm sure I would have loved the play had I done it on my own time, but reading it in class, taking notes on every little detail and watching the movie kinda killed it for me. Then again, some things are better learned as a group. Nothing comes to mind at the moment, but I'm sure there's something.
Oh, I thought of something, poetry. I loved that section of (un)Creative Writing. Hearing other people's writing styles and experiences through poetry was so awesome for me. And then came the collective...haha we won't go there. If I had to read one style of literature for the rest of my life I'd choose poetry. It's more than just writing to me. It captures emotions and makes dreams seem real with flow and rhythm. Its odd how a peice of writing is so hard to explain with words. I think that's a part of why I like songs so much. Really, they're just poems with a beat and a tune. If I could only write one way, again, I'd choose poetry. Why? Because a poem can be as short or long as you want it to be. It can rhyme, contradict itself, and be full of nonsense all at once. You can say everything while saying seemingly nothing at the same time. It's not bound to formality or familiarity. Even if you don't get what it's trying to say, a single line or phrase could be the meaning of life and inspiration to you or another.
I know why I'm so in love with poetry. Its been one of my only outlets of emotion for such a long time. I think I was wrong in saying I don't grieve over losses; I do, I just write about them. When I write a really good piece, I don't need to cry about the situation because I've gotten the emotion out on paper. I do know that there are things I should cry about and haven't grieved or dealt with, but the others I don't. I've given them closure by putting them into words and not water.
So, I guess this is the start of healing. Realizing how I do deal with loss and what situations I've left unfinished. Well, on a happier note than I started, "You're not very pretty, and you're not very bright. I'm glad we had this talk."

Fire Inside

Scratch, claw, break
fire rushes through

Scream, lie, believe
fire dies inside

Fight, pull, fall
fire all around

Grab, reach, miss
fire goes out.

Strength to Begin

I ask Why
as I cry myself to sleep
Knowing 'Why' will never be enough
to fix the pain

I ask How
as I look at the list
Knowing 'How' will never be enough
to start the healing

I ask Who
as I search for love
Knowing 'Who' will never be enough
to begin loving myself

I ask questions
as I try to understand
Knowing questions get me nowhere
and action is what I need

To be able
to start this long process
Will take more strength and courage
than I know

I ask You
to give me what I need
Knowing You alone are enough
to heal this wounded spirit

My Current Belief

So I had a really great talk with Rob today. It started out with the Braden situation and just kept getting more and more interesting. I was pretty nervous, for reasons unknown/unsure to me, and we got to talk about that too. But thats not really what this blog is about. Quite a ways into the conversation, we talked about losses and grief and how I deal, rather don't deal, with them. We talked about the different kinds of loss; it was cool the way Rob got me to list them, as if I had to teach a class on them. For me, I don't really accept any kind of loss as valid other than death. This has made a lot of things difficult for me, because I refuse to deal with any other kinds of loss, such as loss of friendship, hope, love, etc. I don't let myself grieve for these kinds because to me, the world says that they're not worth crying over, to be tough and stay happy. (That's a whole other thing, not going to get into that right now.)
What I came up with in the end or near to the end was this: I can't grieve for any losses because I don't feel I'm worth losing or being grieved over. Ok, I'll try and explain this in seperate parts. I don't feel I'm worth losing means that it doesn't matter when I get rejected by a guy or whatever because I obviously wasn't worth enough to them. Not sure if that makes sense or not. Not worth being grieved over means basically what it says. I don't think I'm good enough for other's or even my own pity. Pity has never gotten me anywhere except maybe a few pounds heavier. I hate having people feel sorry for me or anything like that. I feel like I'm just bringing them down and can't stand that. Because I don't feel worthy, rather feel worthless, I don't let myself grieve over any other losses, even when I know I should. I guess its not so much that I can't, its that I don't.
What I have to do now is start dealing with all of the losses in my life one by one, not get overwhelmed with them, keep things in perspective, let myself cry over things, and know when its time to call for help. Thing is, I don't even know which one to start with. I could start with Braden, but what good will that do if I can't even love myself enough to deal with someone else not loving me? And I honestly don't know if I'm ready to deal with my self-esteem issues at this present moment. I don't know where to start. I guess I could just start with listing all the stuff, but am afraid that that list will overwhelm me even more. I really just want to get over Braden and be able to be around him for 5 weeks of the summer comfortably. Maybe comfortability is too much to ask right now, lets go with lessened awkwardness. No matter how far I work through it, things will still be a bit weird between us, but I truely hope that we will regain some piece of our friendship that we had last summer.
I should probably work on my nerves and "defense mechanism" that I've put into use everyday for far longer than I can remember. I don't know why I'm so afraid of opening up to people and letting them see the real me. I guess its because I don't even like me. So why expect anyone else to right? AHHHHH!This is all so frustrating, but I needed to get all this out so bad. I needed the cycle to be broken, or my whole self would have broken under the weight of it all. Too bad we don't have another school break, I could just hole up somewhere and have a little or big breakdown, pick myself up, pick up the pieces and get on with life. That's what I need, a retreat, get away from everything and just be with me, God and these looming troubles. I haven't been out of town since March, and that was only for ortho. I've been to Cold Lake two other times, but other than that I haven't been out since all those trips to Calgary in Sept. which weren't very stress-free, but the exact opposite. I think the last retreat I was on was the youth/elder retreat last year. Man I wish I had a cabin I could go to or somewhere I could be alone, be safe, and be able to get help if need be. Does such a utopia exist? If only in my dreams, that is should I be able to sleep through the night peacefully. Which I should try and get to right about now.
I'm not even sure what I've all written but it did help a bit. Kind of. I still don't know where I'm going to start. I guess this is a start though. Talking about it, facing it outloud, and writing it out has helped. If only I weren't so scared of all the work ahead of me I could get through it quickly, although not painlessly. I think thats what scares me the most, I know I'm going to be in pain dealing with all these things, and almost want to keep denying them. But know I can't. Rob & Robin I'd really appreciate if you two would keep me accountable on all this. You can obviously understand what I'm trying to say better than anyone else reading this and apparently (:-P) can see through my "masks". So here's to bringing up all the things I've been running from, denying myself tears over, and trying to forget or replace with false happiness. Cheers!

So Many Movies

Wow, I've watched so many movies lately. I don't even remember them all, they start melding into one. I do remember the ones I watched today (yesterday now!) though so I thought I'd blog about them. First I watched "The Motorcycle Diaries" and thought of Rob, cuz I know he likes that movie. It was actually quite good, once I got used to the subtitles and some language issues. Its interesting trying to bleep out words as you read them. But yeah, the movie was good, it showed an interesting side to a person American culture has labeled as rebellious or against what we should aspire to. Ernesto (Che) really had a heart for the people, his people, who were kicked out of their own lands and had become as the movie put it, homeless in their own land. One of my favorite parts in the movie was when they got to the leper colony and Che and Alberto chose not to wear the gloves. What touched me most was he wasn't afraid to touch the lepers. He said, even though leprosy isn't contagious it (gloves) is just symbolic. He broke past the societal walls that others had put up and was just himself. So Rob, it was a great movie, probably not one that we could watch at youth group, but good nonetheless. I'd say 4 stars out of 5.
Then I watched The Brothers Grimm. I really wanted to watch it when it came out, but never did. I had heard from some people that it didn't live up to their expectations, but I thought it was alright. I think that Matt Damon was a bit of an awkward choice for this type of movie, but other than that it was good. I loved how obvious all the fairy tales were. It was easy to relate the things in the movie to the stories I've heard all my life. And to see a new spin on some of them, and watch a whole new one. I'll give this 3/5 stars.
Then...yes I know, I need a life...I watched Raise Your Voice. Don't shoot me yet. There are few movies that can have me crying within the first 15minutes, and this one did it. I don't know if I was over tired or what was going on, but when the car crash happened, I lost it. I had just been watching Joan of Arcadia and Jason Ritter was in both of these. It was weird to see him in a wheelchair one minute, walking and then in a car crash the next. I know, its only tv/movies, but I'm a little weird that way. So anyways, after I got over myself and settled in to the movie, it was pretty good, even for Hilary Duff. I, of course, noticed right away Terry and Simon's relationship. I was thinking, 'Finally, they get a father-daughter relationship that I can relate to'. Also, Paul (Jason Ritter) reminded me a little of Phil. So then, near the end of the movie when Simon freaks out and tells Terry that she has to come home 'right now', I couldn't believe it when she told him flat out that they were all afraid of him. Oh to have a script like that written for me. I was a little disappointed when they made up and everything was peachy keen, but of course in Hollywood every one lives happily ever after. Don't get me wrong, people should make up and be happy, but I was kind of wallowing in and enjoying the fact that it wasn't the perfect "tv family". But then again, what kind of teeny-bopper-sappy-romantic-motivational movie would it be without a happy ending right? This one gets a 3.9/5 stars...just cuz.
So thats what I did today. Well that and drank A LOT of tea. If my voice hasn't improved, my ability to pee fast has. Sorry you had to hear that Robin. Oh yeah, and I sound just as bad if not worse than I did yesterday. Lets just hope I get better by Sunday. I should probably get some rest...I'm so tired of sleeping its all I do lately, that and watch movies of course. So see ya tomorrow at practice. Yay! Hmm...I should work on my lines hey?

Open Letter

Dear dad,
Why did you have to come home? I was doing so good until you walked in the door. Now its back to all this crap. Why couldn't I just have peace and hapiness a bit longer? Its not like we interact anyways. Yet your very presence is enough to break me, intimidate me, sedate me. I had begun to open up, and just as quick as you pulling in the driveway, I was shut up again. Why do you build up all this pressure over time? Why not just get it over with. Hit me again. I'm sure I can take it. I have before. You know you want to knock some "sense" into me. Just get it over with already. Mess up again. Maybe this time you'll win. Who would've thought that you would be able to raise 6 kids. Why did you do it? So you'd have something other than the table or wall to punch? Its not like you built a relationship with any of us. You're just a name, a title, not a father. Never a father, never will be. Why couldn't I see that before? Why does it take us so long to see what's been right in front of us our whole lives? I don't understand why you try so hard to gather information from me, yet don't care about the important things in my life. I don't want to be your source of gossip. I wanted to be your daughter. These past few years have shown me that wanting, that need will never be fulfilled. Rob is more of a father figure to me than you will ever be! My own brothers are more of father figures than you have ever been. I shouldn't have had to been brought up by other men. You were there, why couldn't you do your job?! Because you were too busy with other people's lives and buisness. Because you'd rather listen to your answering machine or the nightly news than listen to my heart. What causes me to anguish over you? Its like even though I know the truth about you, I prefer to lie to myself, thinking you'll change. Thinking that next time will be different. Or maybe there won't be a next time. So instead of being able to talk to you, I spill my thoughts and feelings out to a screen. I trust a screen, that could go off at any minor power failure, more than I trust you. For when have you ever shown me that I could trust you? When have you ever given me reason to believe in you? To believe in me? So just get it over with. Give me one more reason to leave.
Your "daughter",
Jo

So Much For Love

He came as a child
Helpless just like us
So much for love

He went against the norm
Defying laws of physics and probability
So much for love

He loved the unloveable
Taking away their shame
So much for love

He gave his time for others
Leaving no one unheard
So much for love

He laid down his life
Doing God's will and not his own
So much for love

He paid the highest price
Clearing our debt and redeeming us
So much for love

He sacrificed it all
So that we could have everything
So much for love

He gave us so much
So much time, so much forgiveness
So much, for love.

Proverbs 31 Woman

She chooses wool and cotton
and sets the knitting needles to work.

She awakes in the night
and prays for her family and coworkers.

She sees potential in the dirt
and a garden grows from her insight.

She opens her arms to the poor
and her hands and heart to the needy.

She does not fear the snow;
she has clothed her family in warmth.

She has quilted a blanket for each bed
and their warmth is always appreciated.

She is clothed in fine fabric
and is admired by all for her youthfulness.

She makes clothing and toys
and sells them at the market for a fair price.

She provides others with her wares
and the world applauds her creativity.

She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and can laugh at the days to come.

She speaks in kindness and wisdom
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She conducts her household with efficiency
and is not caught in idleness.

Let her children stand and bless her
and acknowledge her good works.

"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
These are the words we praise her with.

Although outer beauty may fade,
the radiant light will shine forever.

This is a woman we should praise
for she fears and trusts the Lord in everything.

No earthly trinket can express
how much you mean to me.

I can only attempt to tell you
what an inspiration you have been.

To me and the world
you fulfill the woman of noble character.

So here’s to you, my true Proverbs 31 woman;
My mom.

Two Can Play

You're surprised at my grace and form
You marvel at my cunning agility
Did you think I would fail
Again?

You ask me where I learned my skill
You wonder who could be this great
Do you really not know
It is you.

Two can play at this game
You're not the only one who knows
I learned at your side
Over so many years.

You made me who I am
You are who I'm not
I will never be you
You will never be me.

You're everything I never want to be
I see your flaws and watch you fall
As I see these things in me
I stop.

I will not be you
I will beat the game
You try so hard
And fail.

It is true
Two can play this game
But only one will win
Me.

I learn from your mistakes
They are like ripples
Did you honestly think
You were the only player?

You think yourself a champion
You don't see what I see
What everyone else sees
You are blinded.

With every round
You are blinded even more
Blinded by denial
And truth.

You might think you're winning
But really you're only hurting yourself
Making me stronger
And wiser.

It may seem that you've already won
You see your opponent
Broken and wounded
Barely breathing.

The field is tense
A hush falls over the crowd
As the two face off
The end is near.

Only one can win
This is universally accepted
What will I choose
Fight or flight?

To flee would mean you've won
And this will never be
To fight could mean
Death.

A white flag is dropped
I have surrendered
Not to you, never
To Him.

Two are still in play
In my place is the One
For you see, its over
He's already won.

It doesn't matter anymore
All your best tricks fall short
He's seen them all
And won't be fooled.

Although you've taught me well
There is one greater than even you
He taught me through love
Not hate.

You and I could never win
No matter how long we fought
There is no other way
But surrender.

The ball is now in your court
I will no longer participate
You make the next move
You decide.

Crazy Times

There is so much stuff going on in my life right now that its beginning to be too much. I don't even know where to begin, theres so many things. I guess I'll start with the obvious. I've been really depressed and anxious lately. Not sure why I'm depressed when the weather's been so awesome, but I am. So many times this week/past month, I've been ready to quit. Quit everything. And this is the point where Rob gets "concerned". Don't worry Rob, we've talked about this, I'm not going to quit life, as much as I'd like to, I'm not going to.
So anxiety...Yeah, its begome like my freakin shadow. Yet it doesn't go away when the sun isn't out, rather gets worse. I'm anxious about: school, Braden, camp, future.
I just want to graduate already. Why do they even have these last two months? They're the worst! I have so many little tests and big assignments due or to do next week and its stressing me out. I want to get them done because people are counting on me, but I just don't feel like doing them.
I still haven't gotten an answer from Braden about grad. I've resigned myself to having to face him in person. I reall would rather knowing now than either getting my heart broken or being all awkward. But I guess I'll just have to suck it up and have patience.
I got my weeks for working at camp today. I'm not completely happy with them. I really don't want to be at home at all this summer and was looking forward to being at camp. I guess I'll only be working out there for 4 weeks. What makes me even more frustrated was getting a JC week. Its hard to accept when someone who CIT'd last year got the whole summer and will be a senior counsellor the week I"m a JC. I really want to be at camp this summer, and I also need the money. I know that camp won't get me enough money for a plane ticket to Jerusalem or anywhere close, but it will help. And I don't want to rely on support letters either. I always feel awkward about asking people for money. Or for anything really.
Of course I don't, I have to be in control just like my "father".
If I don't get enough money to go to Jerusalem in the fall, I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess there's always the option of living with Ryan and Kathleen. I'm sure I'd get paid more there than I would here. Then again, I'd need money for transport there. Argh! Money is the root of all stress. Well maybe not all...but I can blame most of it on money right?
As much as I want to be around for my friends, I do not want to be at home any longer than necissary. Who knows, maybe Dione and I will share a plane to Toronto sometime. That would rock! I can't wait for her to come home!
Anyways, I'm in a lot of pain so I think I might head to bed.
Only two more weeks til my surgery...yay more anxiety. Can't wait til it finally decides to attack me, I don't like this odd feeling. Let's just get it over with already.
K, well other places are calling my name...or something.

Post-Million Dollar Baby

So, last night we watched Million Dollar Baby at youth group. It was an awesome movie and made me think of a lot of things. First, why can't we watch a movie at youth group without people leaving, coming late and talking? Its really annoying. Don't do it. Its ok to laugh at the funny parts, but I for one can't stand buzzing whispering in the background.
Anyways...It made me really think of Frankie and Maggie's relationship and my dad and mine's. At first Frankie didn't want anything to do with her, then after finding out how determined she was to be a boxer, their relationship grew. He cared for her even when he didn't want to train a girl. Even when he tried to get rid of her, he was drawn back to her. He stuck with her when it mattered the most, he was strong for her, he gave her a new name,he protected her. I don't know if I would be able to do what he did for her. There was such a deep father-daughter bond between them even though they weren't blood.
What made me think of my dad was at the end when we find out that Morgan Freeman has been narrarating a letter to Frankie's daughter. He said, "I thought you'd like to know what kind of man your father really was." I think it was at that point that I really broke down. After I leave home, will I recieve a letter telling me what my dad was really like? Is it even sane to hope he will change after I'm gone? Frankie's daughter never forgave him for something he did to her, and had to find out in a letter what a good man he was and how hard he tried to be forgiven for what he did. Their situation is different from mine in a sense. I've seen what my dad can do. But I've never seen him change, not for the better anyways. I think it would make me angrier to find out he changed after I've left home. Why couldn't he be the father I needed when I'm still here? Just too little too late.

A Quick Song

Merry Christmas
Happy Easter
I don't know what these mean anymore

So I'll have a happy Turkey day
And give a salute to Victoria
Cuz that's what Happy Holidays means to me.


Just thought this up; I even have a tune for it! Yay!

No Title Yet

You ask me if that's my real smile
And laugh when I say it is
How would you know anything real about me?

You say you weren't welcome at the meeting
And get angry because of your own ignorance
How did you think I would react?

You say what you did was wrong
And beg me to forgive you
How many more times will we have this conversation?

You get angry when I don't tell you anything
And refuse to listen when I say what you don't want to hear
How do I make you listen?

You have masks you put on for certain people
And masks that you take off when they're gone
How will I ever know the real you?

You don't know anything real
And I don't know how to act
How long must we keep this charade going?

We don't know how to talk
And we don't know how to listen
How will we ever get through?

So we keep changing masks
And playing different parts
Until the Playwrite shows us

the end.