Thursday, March 30, 2006


I can't stand when I'm sitting in one room and my parents are in the other and they start talking about me in hushed voices. Like they think I can't hear them or something! Frick, if you're gonna talk about me, do it when I'm not around, or just ask ME! At the moment I'd probably only give one or two word answers, but its better than talking behind my back. Its bad enough going through all these tests and health crap without having this added on to it. At this point, I can't stand living with my dad. Can you say 20 questions every time I walk past him? Either pay attention to my life for my whole life, or don't expect me to let you into it now. Why the interest all of a sudden? Wasn't my childhood good enough for you to notice me until now? Take some responsiblity once in awhile! You wanted a dog but have no idea how to raise any living thing. How long will it be before you get bored with him and start neglecting him? Oh wait, neglect happens after there's been some care invested. Whoohoo, he listens to you once out of 10 times, and then goes and makes a mess on the floor. Of course you don't teach him where to do his buisness, but instead yell at him and call him stupid. Emotional abuse just never seems to stop with you does it? Its like Bel said last night, maybe abuse isn't necissarily learned, maybe its something they've always been. Oh my heck, you can't even be civil to the people on tv!STOP BEING SO FRICKIN JUDGEMENTAL. Emphasis on the Mental! Would it kill you to show an ounce of support without expecting something in return? No I guess that might just kill you. Hmm...lets try it. I know that if time or your health doesn't kill you first, I'm bound to do something. Just SHUT UP for ONCE!!!!!!! I'd just like to drop one big F-bomb.
Ok, well that was a nice rant.

So another frustrating thing in my life right now is my health. First the dr's thought I had lactose intolerance, which was fine, I've gotten used to the milk and can take digestive helpers. When the stomach pains didn't go away, they diagnosed me with Celiac disease; a gluten sensitivity. Basically I was taken off all wheat and other grains. That sucked big time. For the first two weeks I ate nothing, unless we happened to have meat and potatoes for supper. One plus was losing ten pounds. Now, they're not sure if I even have it. Gah! So frustrating. Last week I went to the dr for pain on my lower left side (near my ovary) so they scheduled me for an ultrasound. I found out the day before that if I didn't specify or have a full bladder that the dr would be likely to do and internal! I was not ok with that. So the morning of, yesterday, I drank lots of coffee and water. It worked, no internal was needed. Whew. While Dr Lekteman was doing the scan he said my left ovary looked fine, but that there was some fluid behind my uterus. He was very concerned about it and recommended a follow up (including internal) or other measures such as putting a telescope in through my belly-button. Now I'm just waiting for a call or something to tell me what will be happening. This past year/few months have taught me that I'm one to rather be in the know and have something bad/disappointing, than be kept wondering. ie, telling Braden how I felt and being rejected was better than to keep wondering how he felt for another few months.
Also, my moods have been very crazy during all this. I've been mostly down, but try not to show it. After all we're taught its socially unacceptable to be sad all the time, you're just a downer or don't appreciate your "good" life. Along with the downs have come the anger and shortened temper. I know these feelings aren't from God, and not to put my faith in feelings, for feelings change. I've just been getting annoyed so easily and that brings on anger. I told Rob it would be so easy just to have a meltdown and how nice it would be to have a sound proof room to scream in. I'm so glad I have people like Rob and Robin to talk to. When I get really down I just call up Robin and go there and tell her how I feel. I've told her how I was close to giving up recently, and she told me she won't let me. To know that someone cares enough to say that out loud means so much. Of course we all know that there's someone out there that loves us and would miss us if we weren't around anymore, but verbal confirmation makes such a difference.

Thats all I can think of to rant and rave about at the moment so I'll sign off now.