Sunday, July 30, 2006

My New Hair!

My hair on July 28th, 2006

My hair on July 29th, 2006
After 4 long-hair years, I decided it was time for a change. I got my hair chopped off and am loving the cool, breezy new me. Going from mid-back length to mid-neck length is a bit of a shock, but it's what I wanted so I guess I'll get used to it sooner or later.

So, there you go Phil, you wanted an update, here it is.:)

Monday, July 24, 2006

How Do I Feel Safe?

Why can't I say how I feel?
Why can't I act how I feel?
Why can't I think how I feel?
Why can't I show you how I feel?
I can't say because words can't explain
I can't act because that's all I've been doing
I can't think because thinking brings more questions
I can't show you because you are never watching when I try.
Why can't I find a place that's safe?
Why can't I find an emotion that's safe?
Why can't I find a thought that's safe?
Why can't I find a part of you that's safe?
I can't find a place because I can't get away
I can't find a safe emotion because too much of one hurts
I can't find a thought because I won't quiet my mind long enough
I can't find a safe part of you because you are always changing, yet the same.

Saturday, July 22, 2006


You make me want to sing
Even when I don't know the words
You make me want to dance
Even when I don't know the steps
You tell me a story
Without saying a word
You tell me I'm beautiful
Without knowing what you've said
You brighten my day
When everyone else has passed me by
You open doors and break down walls
When everyone else has given me reason to build more
You have brought hope
Back to where there was dispair
You have brought joy
Back to where there was sadness
You have made life
Fun to live again
You have made conversation
Fun to participate in
You have become a best friend
At the time I needed one the most
You have become a faith partner
When faith was diminished
You have become all these things
If only I could tell you face to face
You have become all these things
If only I knew your side of the story

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Grad and Camp

Well, it is the second weekend in July and I have a lot of things to write about. Well only two, but it will probably be a long entry. So....I graduated!!! On time, against the odds with adequate credits. Grad was an interesting day. It seemed so surreal and I was having a hard time remebering that it wasn't just rehearsal anymore. The entire day it felt like I was getting married or something; my hair and nails were done, my family and best friends came over, and everything was focused on me (well almost everything). I'm not saying I'm attention deprived or anything, but it was nice to be noticed for my accomplishments. The ceremonies were nearly painfully boring. Megan's speech was hilarious, I'll never look at pickles the same way again. I'm so glad she didn't do the cliche validvictorian speech like they've done in the past. When I got my diploma I was so excited that I walked off the stage without waiting for pictures or my walking partner. My family bugged me about not being able to get pictures of me on stage because one second I was there, the next I was gone. Before the ceremonies started, all the grads were in the hallways or rooms hanging out. It was an awkward wake up call for me about what this past year has been. I was hanging out with my friends, but the whole time I felt like an outsider trying to fit in. You see, I haven't hung out with them much at all this year except for at youth group and the odd time. I felt so alone without Robin, but it was also a good realization of how times had changed. When we got out and during the afternoon, it was raining so hard! I was quite upset because I was looking forward to outside pictures. So we rushed to the car and into the house, trying in vain not to get wet. Robin, Kirsten and FLO! were there for supper which was so fun to have them there. Man I miss Flo. We drank Raspberry Champane (sparkling cider) in fancy glasses and visited with the family. I asked God to please stop the rain and within about a half hour, the sun came out and the ground was dry. Praise the Lord! After I finished eating I changed into my dress and we went outside to take pictures. That was an ordeal, what with the sun being in our eyes and the kids (and dad) being cranky. They got done, I've yet to see them though. I got a lot of comments on my dress which was neat. The most awkward was Mr. Handspiker calling me a wench and saying if I had worn it in History he would've given me bonus marks. (He meant it the nicest way of course) Everyone called it "old school" and unique. Me. haha. I felt so out of place, everyone was wearing sparkly, skanky, satin numbers and here I was, in cotton and long sleeves. It was funny how many people were drunk before we sat down. Before we ever started the Grand March in fact. The evening program was so fun and cool (not literally). I nearly cried twice, the first when Shea thanked the Grandparents, the second when Bre, Nic and Lacey sang "Always". But I didn't. Cuz I'm a butt. I danced with Flo for the escort dance, even though he wasn't my escort. I didn't have one, but he told me to save him a dance so I figured why not this one. It was the only dance I did. Not the parent or Grandparent one for obvious reasons. Although I did find out later that Nana wanted to dance with me. I didn't stick around for very long, went home and went to bed. I'm such a party animal, eh? The next day was Canada day and my family (Tim & Clare, Frank & Mary, mom, dad & Dione) spent the afternoon/evening at Greig Lake. After supper Dione and I went for a swim and had a nice talk away from everyone else. We got some icecream and went home. I spent most of Sunday and Saturday packing for my first week of camp.
It was a pretty fun week, Kirsten was my JC and my prayer partner. This made it difficult to disguise my writing, but also made it a fun challenge. We had a pretty good cabin, one homesick and one bedwetter. Kirsten was amazingly helpful with both, especially the bedwetter. By the end of the week I was getting sick of my campers, so I hung out with Belinda and Jessica's cabin most of the last day. They had the oldest girls and on Thursday night I joined them for Girl Talk. I love being silly with that age group. They can take a joke and don't whine or cry as much as the younger ones. I had fun bonding with Brent and helping him out with games. I spent a lot of time hanging out with the CITs, mostly Taylor, Tal and Tim. I love those boys so much, and they're so cuddle-able. I really loved my cabin of girls. On Thursday night, they were mostly all asleep by 10:30! That was a relief.

This past week I spent Monday at home relaxing, reading and watching movies. On Tuesday I got the call to come to camp. After a dentist appointment and hasty packing, Dione drove me up to take the place of a sick JC. I was Breanna's JC and it was so much fun to be with her. We had the oldest girls and they were so fun and mature. We had one leave the same day I got there from the flu and the rest were good for the rest of the week. On Thursday night Jesse and I both got the flu and were sick all day Friday. It wasn't a good start to my week (Tue) because I got about 3 hrs of sleep Monday night. I was anxious about my thyroid ultrasound the next morning and couldn't fall asleep. Tuesday night was a restless sleep, making Wednesday hard to get through. I gave my testamony for the night devotion and as a result of discussion, had fightening nightmares most of the night. Starting at 2:37am I woke up every hour at that time (3:37, etc). Finally at 6:15 I go up, got dressed and went for a walk. Shaken and emotional was what I felt most of the day. I relied on Jesus so much and he carried me through with a smile on my face at most all times. Once again, when I wasn't smiling, I forced one so as to discourage any concerned questions or faces. I guess I should say I've been off my meds for about a month now. Mom wants me to go back on them, but I'm still unsure. Being sick on Friday took another toll on my emotions and energy and I was very glad to be done everything so I could go home. Thinking I could sleep was merely a dream. I took a gravol and half a sleeping pill which would put anyone out for most of a day. Not me, I was wide awake at 9am. Frustrated and grumpy. Now its time for me to shower and go on a date with Robin. Although we were across the hall, there was never time for a good long chat. I'm off to camp again on Sunday and am praying I have the energy to last the week. I'm so excited its Jr Teen and that there wont be so many clingy, crying campers. Just boy crazy, immature, vain teeny tiny teens. Anyways, pray for me this week if you think of it.