Sunday, December 31, 2006

Score: Creativity 1, Writer's Block 0

That's right folks, I have reached my goal of writing 66 poems in 2006. There is a lot of diversity in the poems I've written in the past year. And, technically, I only began writing again in April of 06. (Not including poems from creative writing class in 2005). Only 9 more until I reach 100 overall. Hmm, 9 is my favorite number. Cool. The poems have showcased the rollercoaster of emotions I've been through this year. There are your obvious depressing ones and their counter-happy ones. Ones of promises made and broken, hearts broken and mended, spiritual insights, the "scary" ones as mom calls them, ones to remember and honour loved ones, the odd random thought ones, plus a few songs. I'm sure I'm forgetting some, but I really don't feel like categorizing each one atm. I'm so happy to have accomplished this. Even though I just thought up this concept like a week ago maybe, I was able to set a goal that was manageable and acheivable. I should do that more often; so many times I set goals that overwhelm me when I try and get them, without giving thought to the work needed to go in to them.
So yeah, uh, WOOT!

Thanks Ryan very much for the scarf, mitts and body spray. I LOVE the scent. And the other stuff is so soft, and matches my jacket better than my bright pink scarf. I laughed a bit when I read what the bottle says, "Spritz-on seductiveness with dazzling Neroli Jasmin scent". I didn't know you could spritz on seductiveness. Who knew? I can never find a perfume that I like that doesn't make me choke or bore me. You found a great one. Plus, I love Body Shop stuff.
I also got a 2 disc James Blunt cd from Uncle Ted. It has the regular "Back to Bedlam" cd and the other disc is his Live in Ireland enhanced with video and making of Goodbye My Lover. Good cd. I didn't know that such good music could come from such an obvious pothead. Wow, so much drug connotations. Some of the ideas in the songs are pretty crazy, but good nonetheless. The day was long with the obligitory underlying stress and tension. Chocolates and a scary movie are my new remedy to battle depression. Good stuff. Gets that adrenaline pumping.

Happy New Year to you all. Still not sure what I'll do. Maybe nothing, maybe a bit of everything. Yeah right. Probably nothing. Well, off to waste more time on the internet.
WOOT again!

PS I got new glasses as well! They look very similar to my old ones, just smaller frames. And the lenses are compressed, although it doesn't really look that way. Yeah, I'm pretty blind. I'm still getting used to them though. My eyelashes keep brushing against them, quite annoying.


Monday, December 25, 2006

Get Lost!

Hey, I was just invited to play this game by another person on a forum. Its to see how we're all connected. I know its just one more form to fill out or whatever, but I think it could be fun. Will you join me? I get points for every person I invite. So, come on, help me out.

Merry Christmas!

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Bah Humbug Anyone?

Why do we even bother anymore? Christmas has become a mockery of the reason for the season. We took the gifts of the wise men and turned it into greed and materialism.

So, we opened gifts tonight. Let me back up a bit though. On the way to the church, dad asked, "Does it feel like Christmas to you Jo?" Hmm...let me see, no. It hasn't for the past 5 years. "Not really" I replied. "Why not?" "It just doesn't." Good answer. >.<>
We got home and I wanted to get things started but had to wait while he checked his messages, bids online, other such wastes of time. Why must a person ask "What's this?" when he gets a box, wrapped up, that is in a rectangular shape? Just open the blasted thing already! Find out, don't ask a billion questions. Why must you prolong this agony? I'm so sick of Christmas with the family, and it only lasted about 2 hours. And there were only three people here. yikes, try quadrupling that and you'll get the festivities of Saturday yet to come. Oh well, I got some good gifts from mom and had some delicious egg nog (non-alcoholic, watered down with skim milk, of course).

This is what I've got, thus far (all from mom): A hand-knit sweater, wellness light up alarm clock (sun-lamp idea), Santa Claus Is Coming To Town dvd (YAY), Lighthouse calendar. And for my "hope"(less) chest: set of 4 plates, small containers, 3 dish towels, cook book, partylight tea set. Now I just have to get a nice chest. And a prospect of a husband. Or maybe I'll start out with a boyfriend. That'd probably be the wisest route. Oh and Robin got me a really nice wooden box. I've got to find something to put in it, but I'm sure something will fill it.

Now to dream of the delicious cinnamon buns I'll be consuming in the morn. Or whenever I happen to wake up.

Merry Christmas, happy new year and happy boxing day (its the 26th in Korea already).

Saturday, December 23, 2006

O Christmas Tree

Well, it seems as though the Christmas bug has bitten me. I just put up our tree. It's sparkling with its fibre-optic branches, standing on a table, (to bolster its self-esteem, of course), with a few presents underneath. Its kinda nice not having to compete with five other kids to see who's got the most presents. It's just between mom and I now. It still doesn't really feel like Christmas, just like another day, with the addition of a tree and gifts. But, isn't that what we've come to regocnize Christmas as? It will be interesting to see how long it takes until the kitten knocks the tree down, or tears into the presents.

Only 5 more poems to go til I have 66 in 06. 11 more after that if I want to have a total of 100. I should probably get back to my busy schedule of doing absolutely nothing. It takes a lot out of me. I just don't know how I do it. I'm just amazing like that.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good life. (being as it is not of the nocturnal persuasion yet.)

Sunday, December 17, 2006

66 in 06?

So, I've written 56 poems this year. Shall I try for 66? I think I shall. Could be fun. Holy crap, Christmas day is a week away. hehe that rhymed. I bought a calligraphy set yesterday and am loving learning how to write all pertyfull. I made some Christmas cards and have wrote out some poems, although they all ended up in the garbage. Turns out the ink is a wee bit permanent. Oops. The stress of Christmas has begun, dad and I are fighting again. Yay. I really would just rather open gifts on Christmas Eve and sleep the next day. Then save the rest of the stress for the 30th. That's gonna be a loud day. I can feel it. Sigh. Only two more weeks working full time! I start working afternoons only in January and am quite excited about that. I'll also be taking a correspondence course in Feb. I think it's Orientation to Childcare or something like that. I'll have to spend three weekends in S'toon, not sure how I'll get there, but it should be good. It'll be good to have some education under my belt to fall back on. There's so much I'll be able to go into with that. I just hope I can actually do it. I better, it costs $800 just to register. Yikes. Well, I can't think of anything else to ramble about, so I'll be off. To what? Who knows.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

"Worst Episode Ever"

Bleh. Yesterday, was possibly one of the worst days of my life. I went to work feeling like crap and got yelled at for "sitting too much and not taking care of the kids". My co-worker went so far as to take her accusations to the new Exec. Director of the Door. He called me into his office and showed me what she'd written. Of course, now that I've let myself cry, my fears of not being able to stop have come true. I broke down and was overwhelmed by everything that was going on. I was 98% ready to quit my job so that I wouldn't have to put up with all the drama. Then I thought, Where would I go? I don't have any training or secondary education. I won't work in fast food ever again as long as I can help it. Where in Meadow Lake would hire me without any credentials and such inexperience? So Bill and I decided to talk again on Wednesday with the new Director of Tiny Treasures, Lila Schwing. Yeah. When I found out she's the new dir., I thought, I really don't need another reason to quit. I'm sure she's good at what she does, but I've never got along with her, or felt comfortable around her. I suppose we'll see how she does, but the other girls aren't too excited about it either. Could be tense for awhile longer. We'll be deciding if it would be best for me to start working there part time to give myself some time to stress relieve. So, whatever, I went back to work and vented to Val. Good times, she really helped. I also called my mom and cried to her. And then talked again when I got home.

Today, I was feeling just as bad, but went to work. Amy was, amazing. She completely understands what I'm going through and isn't upset that I've missed work or haven't been feeling good. She just wants me to get the answers I need and get back to my normal self. Me too. She let me stay in the preschool's room so I wouldn't have to deal with Sherry. Goooood. Yet, I still had a few run-ins with her. She told me I couldn't go to the dr. because she had an appointment. Amy came in right after her and said to listen to her, not to Sherry. Obviously. So, I did go to the clinic. And waited two hours. Of course I saw a dr who hasn't been involved with what's been happening the last month, so I had to explain everything again. She looked at my chart and kinda got a better picture. She told me to go off the pill and just take Provera (Progesterone) again. This really upset me because Dr. Johnson prescribed this about two or three weeks ago and it didn't do anything to stop the bleeding. I don't understand why they'd give me something that didn't work. I'm glad in a way to go off the pill because it and the patch have screwed up my depression. I can handle when I have mood swings, because I know that with every low swing, there'll be a happy time after. Not the case this time. It's all been low times. And times have gotten pretty scary close to "the old times". Hopefully when my body gets rid of all the drugs I've been putting into it, things will rebalance themselves. I don't worry too much when I feel like quitting my job, its when I start considering quitting life that I get concerned.

I guess what I'm trying to get down to is a prayer request. I've identified four or more battles that I'm fighting. Physical, Emotional, Mental, Spiritual (PEMS hehe), occupational, and the good ol' reliable domestic battle. I don't know what else to do anymore but ask for prayer. The physicians aren't giving me answers, so I'll take the advice of my big sister and ask the Physician who has all the answers and healing powers I need. Plus, venting on here helps a bit too. ^.^ Yeah, prayer would be appreciated.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

80th Post!

Yup, this is post number 80. Its almost sad that I've spent so much time pouring my heart out to a screen lit by a flourescent bulb. I was reminded tonight that December sees the most recorded "encounters" with depression and suicide. Whoohoo. Why don't we rub it in a bit more? I started tricyclin-lo (sp?) today. Maybe I'm just having a down mood. I sure hope the side effects aren't that immediate. That would suck hard core. I was also sort of reminded that I'm glad I backed out of the Jr Youth retreat. Jr teen girls are mean. No wonder I hated jr high so much. I really don't need to be made to feel worse about myself by people younger than me. I definately don't need that added on to everything else. I just didn't think it'd be cool to haul all my meds out there and possibly face unintentional rude/ignorant questions. Plus, I need all the sleep I can get. I really need to get energy back and stop getting wiped out so easily. Stupid loss of iron. I'm starting to enjoy work more. On Friday I chatted with Amy and Sherry about my experience with depression and apparently really encouraged Amy. That's pretty cool. Man, she's so close to giving her life to God, it's really cool. I hope that I can help her with any questions or just be an example to her. Suppose I should start giving God more credit for the good he's done in my life and stop complaining so much. That would be a good example eh? One step at a time. So, I broke down and cried last night. Good ol' Million Dollar Baby. It was a good cry. I didn't think I'd ever stop, and had a lot of trouble breathing, which made me feel nauseous and gave me a tummy ache all night. But I think it was worth getting some of it out. Believe me, it's not all out. I should do that more often. As sick and soggy as I felt, overall it felt much better to release stuff. I really didn't expect to write all this. I just wanted to say the thing about Depressing December. I need to sleep so I can get up for work tomorrow.

Kirsten, thanks for being my crying poetry buddy.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

I'm Such A Nerd...

So, I just spent an entire day writing my 60th poem. It's a long sucker. Rather depressing too. Or is that depressingly true? Yeah, that's it. Except, I'm not dead yet. Yeah., birth control pills. How's that for ya? I guess we'll see what wacky side effects these give me. Whoohoo, sounds exciting. Wow, I really miss having Braden around. We're big nerds together. And its okay. So, turns out I probably won't be going anywhere til next fall at least. I'm mostly okay with that; I just wish I could go somewhere else for the holidays. But hey, we're having "fun with the Metz family" this Christmas. Should be good times. I'm pretty much done my shopping now. Gotta love Midnight Madness. But I think some of the kid's clothes might not fit. Oh well, they can grow into/out of them and pass them on I'm sure. I just have to figure out how to get Cory's present and how to send it to him.

Well, good night dear readers.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

...But That's Not The Way It Works...

What is normal anymore? I just want things to go back to "normal". To when my biggest concerns were passing a test I didn't study for. When I didn't have to worry about bleeding, fainting, or being on multiple drugs. When I didn't have to fake a smile so as not to worry others. When I didn't know the emotional scars of abuse. Or the physical scars of self harm. When I could have my fears and concerns put to rest by a good talk. When, if I started to cried, I wouldn't fall completely apart. But, what is normal? Was that? Is this now what I need to accept as normal?

"And I just pray/My problems go away if they're ignored" (When I Go Down by Relient K)
Isn't that what I've been doing? Bottling everything up and ignoring it, hoping that it will just go away. I've been stuffing everything into a bottle and shoving it to the farthest reaches of my mind, not realizing that at some point, the bottle will become fuller than its capacity and break. Then, not only will I have to deal with everything I've been trying not to deal with, I'll have to pick up the broken pieces as well. I guess that's why the next line in the song is, "But that's not the way it works/No that's not the way it works"

Sigh. I'm still FINE though. Just so you know.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

It's The Inside That Counts

Have you ever been told you look nice on the inside, but not because of your personality? I have, by Dr Jake, today during yet another ultrasound on my ovaries. So, if I look so nice on the inside, why all the pain and bleeding? And I'm not talking figuratively. I'm glad that I'm "normal and healthy", but I can't stand the unexplained. If there were something concrete, like a tumor or a cyst or whatever, to blame all this on, I might be able breathe a little easier. I'm not saying I would want to go through the horrors of cancer or anything, but give me something to work with! If all this boils down to is "depression", I might punch someone. I don't understand how something that attacks the spirit can have such an immense effect on the body.

Anyways, thats getting me nowhere but frustrated.

So, Youth tonight. Where do I begin? The first few words out of Nicole's mouth were a cut down. Great way to start the night after I'd missed you and wanted to talk. Then we sang some songs. That was really nice, I needed time to just praise God and listen to the voices of others. We listened to Relient K "Which to bury, us or the hatchet?" and "Let it all out". We were supposed to write down all the connections to relationships we noticed in the songs. I was okay until the memories that are attached to those songs came flooding back. Ironic, since a line in the first song is about keeping the bad (memories) and forgetting the good. Its also kind of ironic since after talking about what we all learned, most people connected the songs to a "God-ship", or a dating relationship. I can see their side of it, but I've always connected them to a different relationship. Can you guess which one? Good ol' daddy dearest. "
"And know that I don't hate you/And know that I don't want to fight you/And know I'll always love you/But right now I just don't (like you)"
"So what does it mean to say that? Or to hear that?" Rob asked. Try how does it feel to live that and not be able to say it? As much as my dad has hurt me, I don't hate him; as much as he provokes a fight, I don't want to win or reciprocate; I will always love him, he's my dad; but sometimes, I just have trouble finding the love.
Ian: stop being so agrivating. Don't read a book pretending you're not interested in what everyone else is doing, make a random half-started comment and then tell me to shut up. And if you didn't hear what we had to say, do say "explain" and expect us to fill you in everytime. Pay attention or don't say anything at all.

I'm over tired, angry, and basically just FINE. Go figure. And remember, "It's what's on the inside that counts!"

Monday, November 20, 2006

Pregnancy Tests For Everybody!

Well I had an exciting evening. I came home from work feeling like crap. I was woozie and light headed. So I layed on the couch. Obviously. I got up to go to the bathroom and found out I'd started my period, again. It "stopped" yesterday morning. I've been bleeding continuously for nearly two weeks now. Its not the greatest feeling let me tell you. So, I decided instead of feeling like crap all night and all day at work tomorrow until I could sit in the walk-in clinic, I would go to the hospital and get things straightened out. I went there around 8, waited for about 20 min or so and then was shown to a room. I gave a urine sample, and layed down to wait for a doctor to come in. So I read. The nurse brought me some Naprosin for the cramps. It helped mostly, and thankfully. I continued to read until about 10:15 when the Dr came in. He's a really good doctor, just hard to understand with his East Indian accent. I tried explaining everything and he did the same; it took us both a few tries to understand each other. He told me I should stop using the patch and switch to "the pill". He also upped my dosage of progesterin to 20mg. Yay, more hormones to screw around with. It was kinda weird because one of the first things he said to me was "Your pregnancy tests came back negative. Is there any chance you could be pregnant?" I was like, what? I came in here bleeding and you think I'm pregnant?! Crazy. So I was told to go home and take the drugs he gave me and to fill the perscription tomorrow. Not only do I get more hormones, I get to spend more money. Money on pills that might not even fixt the problem, or might not even be the right thing for whatever it is I have. I'm just waiting for Wednesday so I can have yet another ultrasound to check my womanly bits. Maybe this time they'll figure out what to do with me.

But we can all rest assured that I am not pregnant.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

"Too Joanna you are"

That is a phrase I'm really starting to get sick of. I didn't know it was wrong to be too much of myself. In order to please people and not be "Joanna about it", I would have to have no fears, show no tears, have no doubts, show no pain, become defenseless, be funnier, happier, stronger, smarter, crazier, no longer faint, have a perfect bill of health, and basically be a completely different person. I've tried that before. It wasn't fun and I don't want to go back there. I'm trying to become a real person again, not just a shell of covered up emotion. People laugh when I tell them I don't cry around anyone. Consider yourself extremely trustworthy if I've ever cried around you. It probably doesn't happen that often. Don't feel bad if I haven't when you're around either, I doubt it was anything personal. I'm not completely sure why I don't like crying, no matter if I'm alone or not, I just don't like doing it. Sure, I cry during movies, but usually only if I watch them alone. (Except for Million Dollar Baby at the church, that was an awkward night). Its easy to cry from a movie, you're not as close to the situation and you can shed a few tears, wipe them away and finish watching. Crying makes me feel sick and weak. Probably because I hold them in for so long. I don't see the point to crying, it doesn't solve anything, it just gets rid of the clogged mucous in my nose. Isn't that a lovely thought? Anyways, crying wasn't what prompted this blog, it was the "Joanna" comment(s). I don't care if we're just joking around, but if something has actually hurt or bothered me, don't say that. And when I try to defend myself, don't laugh it off as me being even more Joanna about the situation. What does that even mean anyways? I didn't know a name could become a verb. If someone could explain what "being Joanna" is, I'd appreciate being filled in. Or maybe its just a conspiracy that my friends have all thought up to confuse me. Is that what friends are for? I thought not, but then again, the world does change rapidly, maybe I just can't keep up. I'm tired of being the target and the butt of jokes. So don't be surprised if I don't find it funny anymore.

By the way, hunting this weekend was boring. We came home, had lunch and then I slept until supper. Nicole was mad that I didn't go out with her, but I didn't see the point of going when I'd just sleep there. I'd rather sleep in a warm bed than a cold, cramped tree stand. And there wasn't anything worth shooting. Just a lot of does and fawns. There was a doe that didn't like other deer in her space and gave a few good kicks. We also watched "The Break Up" with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston in it. It was a dumb movie. I thought it was supposed to be a comedy, but found only one minor funny part. And the way it ended was stupid.

Well, I'm gonna go write a poem I think. Church was good today, I really enjoyed the sermon. First time in a long while that I've listened to the whole thing.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Its so lovely to be reminded of the past I'm trying to forget.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Again I Go Unnoticed

Is there like a big mute button on my forehead or what? I talk, but it seems like no one hears the important stuff, the stuff that I leave unspoken, the stuff I really need to say. Its getting so frustrating and overwhelming. I should just become a nun and take a vow of silence. Its getting harder to be funny all the time, its draining what little strength I have. Could I just sleep through the night once, without fatal nightmares? Or is that too an impossible goal? My mind is becoming so full of doubts and lies from Satan, and its getting easier and easier to believe them. I love the fact that the two new meds I'm on have severe depression as a side-effect. Good thing I don't have enough of that already eh? One small victory is that I didn't pass out after my vaccinations yesterday. It could have been due to the fact I was already on the floor to begin with, but I like to think that I'm growing out of my "faint whore" stage. Three vacc's in one day wasn't a smart idea I'm thinkin. Not when I had to lift 20lb kids up and down and all around. Oh well, it was still $130 well spent, since they'll last me anywhere from 3-10 or so years. Maybe I'll just postpone Jerusalem and let my life slow down and become normal for once. It doesn't look like I'll be leaving anytime soon anyways. I have to find out what's going down with my thyroid and ovarian situations first off. I don't even care if this post sounds like a cry for help. Maybe that's what I need. I don't even know. I just want to sleep and not wake up for the rest of the year. I don't want to have another "Holly Jolly" Christmas. If I didn't hate winter so much I would go searching for Rudolph and Herbie and be misfits with them. Too bad they don't exist. I hate walking to work in the dark. It screws my mood up all day. I don't remember the winter having this much effect on me in years past, but boy its hittin hard this time. I just want to get the freakin tattoo so I can put my pain and seperation behind me. I'd rather feel physical pain than any more of this psycho-emotional crap.

Its nice to know I'm needed, even if it's by an infant who one minute is falling asleep on my chest and the next beating me up.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Apathetic is a pathetic way to be...?

I feel like I'm just going through the motions of happiness lately. Nothing seems to please me anymore; writing, reading, relaxing and even hanging out have all begun to let me down. Maybe it's just me that's the let down. I don't know.

There was a time when I was happy, when I could write a poem or two and feel immense pride at the gift God had given me. Now I feel like I'm writing for other people, for the expectations of becoming a great published writer. I want my work published, but if it means losing my joy for the art, is it worth it? Maybe I'll just keep writing and have everything published after I die. That would be less stressful. And then I wouldn't have to do any of the phone calls and contract crap. One of the frustrating things about writing is I've had a couple dreams about really good poems and when I wake up I can't remember a single word or idea from them. They're lost to me when conciousness returns.

I had a dream last night about my Gramma's funeral, but I had written a different poem for it. Except in my dream, I think Robin was reading the poem. I do remember that one though, it was about a happy re-birthday, about being reborn in heaven and all that stuff. I think I might try and write it and have it read at my funeral. We could do a celebration funeral, with birthday cake and all that stuff, that'd be less depressing I think.

Not that I plan on dying anytime soon, I've been thinking about funeral planning a lot lately. Shantelle had her's all planned out and it was amazing. The best funeral I've ever been to in fact. Not to sound morbid or anything, but I'd like to write down the things I've thought of for my own funeral. First of all, I do NOT want to be cremated. Ever. I want the service to be in Efree, not North West. If those two things are done wrong, don't bother going, it wouldn't be my funeral. I want to have a medly of these three songs sang: How Great Thou Art, Because He Lives and It Is Well With My Soul. I was singing those three in daycare one day and I really like the easy transition from one song to the next, plus the message in each is and has been a part of my life since birth. Because He Lives was sung or played at my baby dedication and the Sunday that I told Pastor Bob about my suicide attempts. How Great Thou Art is an amazing song, especially during the thunder storm while CITing. And I really like It Is Well, because when everything else seems to be going wrong, I rely on God and know that it is well with my soul when I remember his love for me. On the back of the bulletin, I want it to say that donations can be made to Efree for missions funds. Since I plan on going to Jerusalem and am struggling with the financial, I want other people who have been called to go into the world to be able to have money available to them. I want a eulogy or ugooglee to be read, a short message, and maybe two tributes or whatever. I don't want it to be a two or three hour long funeral. Also, some congregational singing would be awesome. Worship has always been a source of healing, repentance, forgiveness and reassurance for me, and plus, we should praise God in everything, even death. I don't know what songs I would want, since my taste in music will probably change by the time I die (assuming I live a long life). And, like Shantelle, I want the people to be fed afterwords. Not only because I like to eat, but because a lot of people will have to travel most likely. Oh, and by the way, you don't need to wear black to my funeral. I never did like wearing it, and don't want it to be all dark and depressing; my life saw enough of that, why bring it to the very end? If I were to die in Jerusalem, let me be buried there, but still have my funeral here. The costs to ship a coffin are probably insane, and really, its just a body, so it won't really be needed in the church. If you do need something to symbolize me or whatever, just have a picture or something. I've heard of people burying a coffin filled with the person's stuff when there was no body; don't do that, it won't do anything but rot in the ground, like my body. The stuff that can be used to help others, give it to them, otherwise throw it away. Except my poetry of course. Anyways, I had other stuff to write about on here.

It seems that I've become an easy target for emotional beatings again. I used to defend myself everytime someone hurt me. Then people got angry saying I was so defensive and couldn't take a joke. So I tried to improve on that. And I did a pretty good job, maybe too good I'm thinking. I've become the doormat again. I just sit there and take it. No matter how close to tears or anger I am, I sit there and smile. Trying to laugh with those who are laughing at me. Last night was a good example. The comments just kept coming as if they thought it was okay. The one that bothered me most of all, was Lacey saying I woudn't ever get a tattoo. I don't even care if she was joking. Where does she get off saying what I will and will not do? She doesn't even know who I am anymore. I hate people limiting me because they think I'm weak. Why do you think I don't cry around anyone anymore? Just to give them another reason to make fun of me? No thanks. Does she not think I've thought about tattooing long enough to know is gonna hurt like poop? I know all this and still want to do it. So don't ever say that I can't or won't.

Now I'm just getting angry and depressed again, so its time to leave. Don't worry about me, "I'll be just fine pretending I'm not".

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Here's a link to my poetry. If you want to read through it all, great, if not don't worry about it. There are currently 51 poems on there, so I'll understand if you don't want to read them all. Plus I'm sure most of you have read almost all of them; a lot are on here as well. I'm not worried about offending anyone, they are what I felt at the time, if you don't like it, that's your problem. There are some pretty depressing/scary ones though, so you've been warned. Of course, there are uplifting ones too; gotta have a balance right? Anyways, without further stalling, here's the link: Haha so easy to remember, since its similar to this blog's link. Well, there you go. I'll be posting my poetry on there from now on, so if this one doesn't get updated in awhile, that would be why, its updated on there! I know its just one more place to keep track of and whatnot, but it's important to have all my writings in one place so I can keep count of them. Thanks for your support and inspiration. :)

Saturday, November 04, 2006

The Music Of My Soul

A note is struck, a rumble fills the room
the audience holds its breath
the beginning cadences are beat out one after the other
energy consumes the heart of every man

The conductor's wand directs each note
introducing new instruments with every wave
deep emotion is captured and delivered
a soprano resounds throughout the amphitheatre
sending chills and raising hairs

The music softens, woodwinds slow the pace
the tune has become a faint heartbeat
with the lowering of the wand,
so stops the music
not a sound is made for many moments

With new fervor, the conductor strikes up a quick crescendo
the silence is conquored by cymbals and trumpets
the flutes trill, the violin bows dance upon the strings
the music spreads like fire, sending warmth and excitment to the listeners

The players return to normal time and continue the piece
still with energy they play the notes written down
and suddenly, as if in the middle of it all, they stop

I put down my pen, satisfied with the work thus far
For you see, I am the composer
and this is the music of my soul.

Dear Braxton

This is a letter to Braxton, a baby at daycare.

Dear Braxton,
I'm enjoying spending time with you and am glad that God brought you in to my life. You are so amazingly funny and silly. Thank you for brightening my heart.
Some days, you are a perfect angel and I fall more in love with your little antics. Other days, though, you become Jekyl and Hyde; changing from a cherub to a monster. Yet everytime the bad comes out, you run to me and pucker your lips for a kiss of apology and forgiveness. You don't know the ways you make my heart melt.
The times I have the most fun with you are when I tickle you and listen to you giggle, and after I've changed your diaper and stand you up on the change table and ask, "Are you ready?", you immediately crouch down and get ready for lift off as I swing you through the air, bringing laughter to us both.
Even through all the frustrating times and the times when both of us are sick and just want to sleep, you manage to bring a smile not only to my face and heart, but to my spirit as well. What I've learned this past month is that babies are the best anti-depressants that could ever be prescribed.
I'll never forget our special times when we sit together on the red chair and you drink your bottle and drift off to sleep. You're almost getting too big for those times, since you now sleep on a cot, and I know I will miss that.
I pray that God will work in your life and place a hunger and thirst for Him in your very being. I don't know what you'll grow up to be, but know that God will always be with you. I also know that you are too young to remember who I am when you get older, but I hope I never forget you and the part you've played in my life. I hope my future children appreciate the time I invest into their lives and know that love and patience were taught by you, Tony, Jordan, Braenna and Hailey. You'll make leaving this town all the more harder, but I will just have to trust God to take care of you when I no longer can.
I love you so much!
Love, Joanna

Infant's Dreams

The children are all sleeping,
the moon is shining bright.
The crickets are softly playing,
making music in the night.

Their tears and fears become your own,
and are enough to break your heart.
Dripping paint smeared across paper,
becomes a treasured work of art.

(First stanza written November 2, 2006; second stanza written November 4, 2006)

Monday, October 30, 2006

One Really Long Weekend And Post

It all started on Wednesday night: After the NBI thing (which I didn't really enjoy, not in the right mood I guess), Robin and I took off to Andrew's, only to find he and Carrie were gone but would be back soon. So we waited there, in his house, alone. It was kinda funny actually. Then they came and Robin's mom freaked out on MSN and we were all scared that she was gonna come over and have a harry coniption. She didn't, but Carrie called her and most likely didn't help things out much. So, they danced a bit and then Carrie left. Andrew made us Itchi-ban noodles, which were good, and sang to us while we ate. My tummy was real jibbly, but I didn't really pay attention to it. Robin and he danced some more and then he drove us home. I sat around, on the computer (of course), and then mom went to bed. I followed soon after, or so I thought. While I was still upstairs with an even jibblier tummy, I saw and tasted my noodles again. Yuck! I haven't puked in forever, it was not an experience I want to repeat. So I took some drugs and went downstairs. I wrote a poem (below) and made many trips to the bathroom. I tried sleeping and failed miserably. So I watched some movies which I can't remember right now. At about 5am, I decided that my tummy was stable enough to try and sleep again, or in my case, finally. So I went to bed, got nice and warm and then cold and warm again (good ol' flu) and closed my eyes. Next thing I knew it was time to get up.
Thankfully I didn't have to work and slept in a little bit. We were leaving for Calgary and J&D told mom and I to be ready for "a bit after lunch". So we waited. And waited. I was too shaky and jibbly to bother with a shower, even though I felt real sickly. After a couple hours I said, "Man I could've taken like three showers by now!" Of course, they took long as always. When they finally came (2pmish) we packed up the van and were off. The boys were fighting and crying before we even got on to the highway and it all went downhill from there. By the time we got to St. Walburg, we had a blown-out tire. So we sat there for a bit while Dwayne looked around for a cheap spare and changed it. Phil called saying dad had cancelled their hotel room and told them they were staying at Aunty Kathy's. Boy, did that set tempers off! Good times. Dwayne called the hotel and found out it hadn't actually happened, that dad was just being a jerk. Or himself I guess. So we drove to Lloyd and Dwayne got better tires so we didn't have to drive 90 the whole way. We went to "the Walmart" and I got new shoes since I didn't think it would be appropriate to wear sneakers to another funeral. We went to Tim Horton's and took forever and a day because they're stupid and should probably be the big toe. By the time we left Lloyd it was nearly 8pm. Yup. 6 hours from Meadow to Lloyd. Yay.
After that things were much smoother. The boys and I (including Dwayne) watched most of Narnia. It was funny because Dwayne kept putting his arm around me to bug Jenn. We finally got to Calgary after midnight and mom and I stayed with J&D so we didn't have to wake people up at Kathy's. That After we all got settled down, apparently mom sounded like a goose with a sinus infection. All but Jenn slept through it. And at 3-3:30 I had a lovely coughing fit. I got an extra pillow out of it, so I can't complain much, especially since I didn't know I was coughing in real life until mom told me to get a drink. I was having quite a good dream through it all too. Oh well. So then we got up, showered (YAY) and went to Kathy's. And thus began the awkward third-wheelness. Its great when you haven't seen your family for over a year and yet you still feel like an outsider. We got the tour of their massive house and I went with dad and Carlos (cousin-in-law) to pick Phil & Lexi up at the airport. I was so happy to see them! (I have to be nice cuz I know you're reading this haha). We went back to the house, after I made sure I could stay at the hotel with them so I wouldn't have to be at Kathy's or a frickin bed & breakfast. We visited upstairs and then got kicked down to Grammie's suite so Tes could clean. Yeah, that was weird, sitting in a room that my Gramma had just died in three days ago. Creepy McCreeperson I tell you what. We worked on flower arrangements and butterfly stick thingy's. That was at least a little bit fun. We went back to the hotel to change for supper and then when to this Chinese restaraunt. Personally, I didn't like it at all. It was just the start of more Dethmer/Metz seclusion. Fun times. We went back to Kathy's to "visit" and work on the picture board. Well Jenn & Lexi worked on it mostly. And they did a really good job. Finishing at midnight and heading back to the hotel was good. No more being ignored for now at least.
I must say, sleeping in Phil & Lexi's room was...interesting. There were times I wished for earmuffs. And blindness. Haha. It was good though overall. We all spent a lot of time talking about how sick my cousins, Arthur & Heather were. They're brother and sister about 5 years apart. Yet, if you didn't know them, you'd think they were almost married! It was really gross. You could say they were very "fondle" of each other. *barf* The worst part was he had his girlfriend with him the entire time!
Okay, wake up, get dressed, do your hair, eat breakfast, go to the church an hour before the funeral starts, sit in a back room basically by yourselves (the Metz siblings anyways), and make fun of your family. Check. Listen to an old geizer pray for ten minutes before we are "processioned" into the sanctuary which is filled with old people you've never met. Check. Sit in a freezing room and listen to the old geizer talk about your Grampa more than about your Gramma. Check. Come on! He's been dead a year, lets focus on the most recent one already! Blast! Listen to your cousins and Aunty & Uncle talk/cry for a freakin hour nearly. Check. Get up and forcibly read the poem you wrote. Check. By the way, no tears were shed, only silent anger at the stupidity of this whole service. More people talk, sing, pray forever and a day. Miss Rob and Robin. Freeze some more. Nearly fall asleep. Check. Hear the old guy talk about food and nearly run for the aforementioned. Listen to him pray. Yet again. Check. Processionalize out, while passing the old people who are looking at you funny because you're not crying. Check. Stand around with family, when you really want to attack the food. Listen to half a dozen "Oh your poem was so beautiful, did you write it yourself? It was so meaningful, you really have a gift, I know she would be proud of you. Yadda yadda yadda." Check. Oh, Nicky, you're hungry, here let me help you get some food! Finally! Get some food, sit in a circle with your immediate family, ignored, yet stared at by the old'uns. Check. Become the mother of three with one comment. Check. Feel awkward, leave the kids by themselves. Check. Eat some more, not because you're an emotional eater, but because you just sat through a two and a half hour funeral that was really even about your Grammie at all. Check. Get grossed out by your cousins, condolencedized by more old people. Drop "suttle" hints that its time to get outta here. Check. Finally leave the church. Hallelujah!
Yeah, that was a fun morning-afternoon. Not. Seriously, one of the most impersonal, angering funerals I've ever been to. We head back to the hotel and sleep for about half hour. Get loaded into the van again and go to the Mausoleum for yet another service thing. Put the box in a glass wall filled with other boxes. Take some family pictures because its always a photo shoot with my family. Look around, "chit chat", and go back to the hotel. Jenn tells me to be ready in an hour to go to Kathy's for supper. Okay. Go back to room and visit with Tim & P&L. I hear the Voth's in the hall and think they're coming to get me. After awhile, I no longer hear them and go looking at T&C's for them. "Are they here?" "No they just left." Great. So, I rush down the stairs and look in vain for their van. Gone. Excellent. I have to intrude on T&C and P&L's supper plans. We drive around looking for a restaruant, on the right side of the road, and end up at BP's; even though Nicky "just wanted to go to Hooters!" hahahahaha. Its not about owls, Nick. We get seated and order and wait. And wait. Nick & Tim go to the bathroom and I take Shanna as they're getting back. What I missed was Nick getting hip-checked into the corner of a wall by a waitress. I miss all the good stuff. We get back to Nicky laying his head on a bag of ice in Phil's sweater. The story is told and we wait for our food. Apparently the cooks were fighting, "sorry for the wait, the manager is trying to work things out." Great. Our food comes, cold and we eat. Nick's pepperoni was bad and I felt sick from my pizza. After an hour forty five since arrival we finish up and head to Kathy's. Nick's meal was free, and they had the audacity to wonder why Tim didn't leave a tip! DUH! You concussed my nephew! We walk in and see the Dethmers sitting at one table and the Metz's at another in two different rooms. Cuz that really makes you want to eat supper with them hey? I'd take crappy service BP's any day. Oh, and Arthur and Heather cuddling on the couch with her seperating Arthur and his girlfriend. That'll make you want to keep your meal down. Again, not. We sit around and "visit" again. Say goodbye to some people, sit around some more. Then, Heather sits on my dad's lap. GROSS! You're 22 for Peter Paul and Mary's sake! Grow up a bit. *barf again* Finally we head back to the hotel after "it was so good to see you's" and real hearfelt hugs...haha I'm funny. Yay! Sleep! Not remembering that the time has changed for them, I set my alarm for 7:15 so I can be ready to leave a bit after 8. I get dressed and lay back down to wait for Tim & Clare. Oops you fell asleep and its now 8:30! Jump out of bed and open the door to see T&C in the hallway. They had tried to get breakfast an hour ago, also forgetting about the time change. So we all head down and eat some foods. More goodbyes, this time real and heartfelt (seriously). I go with T&C back home.
It was quite enjoyable, everytime I woke up we were somewhere new. I had no idea where we were since we went the Drumheller way to get to Osler where their van was (used a rental). I could've gone pee in Nickleback's hometown, but decided to hold it (bad idea). We order food at the A&W Express and head out. I slept some more and read a bit. We drove through Rosetown and I remembered "Ax of Murder" dramafest. Then on to the Osler Gramma and Grampa's house for supper. That was fun, Clare and I got to vent to Frank & Mary about my weird and annoying family. We left and went to NB and got donuts at Tim's and drove home.
So here I am, venting to you guys. I have to work in less than 9 hours. Yay, so not looking forward to it. I feel like this month has been a waste where work is concerned. I missed a day for one funeral, called in sick once and took bereavment (sp?) leave for 3 more days for another funeral. Last week I only worked one day, which of course had to be the day my Gramma died while I was there. Both people died while I was at work, or I found out about them there anyways. Such good memory making times. People dying, babies pooping on me, eating hairy buffalo meat. Yeah, this month sucked. Hardcore. But I did get to hang out with Robin and Nicole, Lana, Jen Fry and Eryn Cockrum. Dang it I miss you Rob.
On top of it all, when we were in Lloyd, I realized that I had forgotten my anti-depressants at home. Whoohoo, sure to be an emotional weekend I thought, but it really wasn't, except for anger and annoyance. I'm going to sleep now hopefully. Good night.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

The Lighthouse And The Butterfly

There was once a lighthouse and a butterfly.
He brought shelter in a storm,
and she gave beauty to a rocky landscape.
As they grew together; his light spreading across the vast waters,
the butterfly decided it was time to spread her wings.
She travelled far and saw many beautiful things,
but always longed for the company of the lighthouse.
A great storm came, one that the lighthouse could not battle.
The butterfly sensed that something was wrong and tried to get back.
She tried to find her beloved friend, but it would seem
that he had gone where she could not follow.
Saddened, the butterfly stayed close to the rock upon which the lighthouse once stood.
One night she had a dream,
she was with her lighthouse again, warmed and protected by his light.
She awoke and found her dream had come true.
The lighthouse saw her and its light shone bright around her.
They were together once more, but were not forgotten.
His light saved many and her beauty brightened countless lives.
They were where no storms could reach them,
together forever, where no more pain could come.
In loving memory of Katherine Vaughn Metz
March 28, 1925 - October 24, 2006
and Arthur Hamilton Metz
October 11, 1917 - September 17, 2005

Sunday, October 22, 2006

This Well Is Running Dry

This well is running dry
One after another they reach in
Expecting the same refreshing
That came so easily before

It takes more effort than it should
To quench a thirsty traveller
A task once simple to fulfill
Now causes strain on the rope & pullies

The water has become farther away
Gone is the daily renewal
Forgotten are the times of renewing
The water's healing is nearly only a legend

Each lowering of the bucket
Brings the imminent dryness closer still
Perhaps it will be made in to a wishing well
Rocks filling up the bottom
Chipping away at the parched walls

The water itself is beginning to lose its quality
Becoming muddied and silty
Still the travellers come and drink
Hoping for more of its enlightenment

This well is running dry
Water is scarce and the rope is frayed
The next draw of the bucket takes effort
The expectant drinkers watch in disappointment
Nothing comes out

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Finally catching up.

Oh where to begin? Let's back up to...last week I guess. I went on an extreme emotional rollercoaster in the timespace of about two days. On Wednesday, I was on my lunch break and sitting by myself when I realized that it was my Grampa's birthday. Or, at least it would've been, but he's been dead for over a year. That bummed me out. Then, after work I went to aerobic kick boxing with Nicole and Eryn and then swimming with them, Lana and Jen Fry. My endorphins were so through the roof. Other than the screaming pain in my quads and abs from being out of shape, I was in a great mood. We all, except Jen, slept over at Eryn's. It was real good times. I got up real early to get to work and had a pretty normal day. All was going well until Tiff called Diny at work. I was holding/just finished feeding baby Jordan and didn't tune in to the convo until Diny said, "Oh no, she did?" I looked up and she said, "Shantelle died this morning. Needless to say, I got up and held on to Diny for support as I cried, still holding Jordan, who was laughing at my tears. After talking with Diny for a bit, I went on a 15 min break. I went to the Door to talk to my mom and see if she knew. I walked around the corner and saw Jennifer walking away. I told mom to call her, cause I could hardly talk, and she turned around and we walked to each other and cried together. Apparently, Chester had come to the Door around 2:30, by now it was about 3:15 or so, and told people about Shantelle. My mom didn't want me to know, because she knew it would finish my day. I cried for a bit, then had to go back to work. I think I just pushed it aside, it hadn't really sunk in yet. I went home, had supper, looked at her blog, and went to Jr Youth. That was hard. I was so out of it and really didn't want to deal with loud bratty kids. (And yet I work in a daycare). So that was my weird week/couple days. I was really sad, really REALLY happy, and then really really sad again.

That was Thursday, I had to figure out a way to get to S'toon for Shantelle's Funeral on Monday. Jenn & Dwayne said I could go with them. So I did. It was a really nice funeral. I didn't plan on crying, I put make-up on to ensure this, but it didn't work out. I bawled. There were moments when I wanted to hold Darren's hand (I was sitting next to him), but I got through it alone.

I'm sure there was more I wanted to write about, but in the process and procrastination/busy life, I've forgotten it. Oh yeah, yesterday I fainted at the hospital after getting TB testing. I didn't faint because of the needle, but because I had waited too long between meals. Plus my cold/flu added to it all I'm sure. When I got back to work I was playing with the kids and had two on my lap in a chair. One got down, and wanted to get up again. She really stunk, and she had just pooped. What I didn't realize right away was that I was her target. And she hit her mark. I got pooped on. Sick! I felt really gross for the rest of my shift. But then I went to youth group and watched Ernest Saves Christmas (funny times) and found a letter from Dione in my box. I would've cried, but had to go back up. Meh, its ok. I still felt the emotions. Thanks Dione, it meant a lot and I really needed to hear those words at that moment. Anyways, I need to do laundry and sleep. And check other internet stuff. Like my Myspace...haha I got suckered in to it. Check it out! so original eh?

PS One of my favorite parts of the S'toon trip was on Sunday night when we were all in bed at the hotel and said good night. We (Jenn, Dwayne and I) all said, "Goodnight _____ I love you". And for once I knew that we all really meant it. I know we don't say I love you a lot in my family, but it is nice to hear it once in awhile. So family: I love you! and Good night.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

I Give Up On Titles...

I'm at a place again where I want to write, but don't know what to write. Of course, every time I say this, I end up writing a very long, confusing, muddled, non-corelating blog. I feel empty. I long for love, happiness, and peace, to name a few. I want marriage and a family of my own. One that hasn't been tainted by hatred. I want my own little fairy-tale. I mean, really, what girl wouldn't love having her own castle? (the Prince Charming doesn't hurt either). I've got to stop reading historical romance books. Its most likely not helping. But really, are love and family the desires of my heart? Are they the deepest? God I wish you would show me. When does an interest become an addiction? When do fear-filled daydreams become prophetic? I most likely have more non-sensical wonderings to spout about, but I have to get up for work tomorrow.
Babies cry. A lot. And they drool. I feel sticky. I might have to shower daily (oh no! haha).

Monday, October 09, 2006

Ok, I know I really shouldn't make a big deal about this, but its starting to bug me. Turkey day is one of the few holidays that hasn't died/sucked for me thus far. Will there be turkey for me? No. We get ham. Yay. I know I should be grateful that I actually have the privilege of choosing between ham or turkey and that I even get anything at all to eat. It just sucks because I was really looking forward to turkey, potatoes and gravy, stuffing and some delicious pumpkin pie. I guess it wouldn't really make sense for my mom to buy a turkey for three people. We'd have left-overs for weeks (although we always do anyways). Gahhhhhhh. I just want to go back to my childhood where everything was normal and special and turkey-filled. haha.

In other news, if you haven't already heard, I quit at Bean There. There was way too much shifty buisness and stress for me. It was a really good job and I had fun while it lasted, but I'm glad and at peace that its over. I'll be starting at Tiny Treasures day care at the Hope Center. I'm so excited! I spent a couple hours there on Monday with the babies and my heart was captured. They're so cute! and quite easy to handle. Maybe they were having a good day, but I'm sure there'll be good and bad days in the future. I love the fact that I'll be the fourth Metz to work at the Door. I get to see mom and Tim & Clare everyday, plus Nicky and Shanna are in the daycare, so of course, I'll see them a lot. I can't believe how homesick I got working at Bean There. I hardly ever saw any family except on weekends and the half hour or so it took for mom or dad to pick me up.

What am I gonna do when I leave? I still lived in the same house as them, just never saw them. I'm gonna be across a huge ocean and couple continents! I know that this is where God wants me to be, but can't help wondering if I'm going at the right time. I sometimes doubt my motives when I've had a fight with dad and say that I can't wait to leave. Am I usuing Jerusalem as another escape? Most likely, but it was also a calling before it was an escape.

Ok, what the crap is going on with me lately? I can never seem to get filled up! Its beginning to worry me a bit. I'm always hungry and am not eating really bad junk food when I get hungry. This is good, but then why isn't the moderately healthy stuff filling me? And I don't think its the flu, because its staying down and in normally. I seriously don't want to deal with thoughts of anorexia again, but all this eating is making me gain weight which in turn is making me hate myself. I almost cried today when Gayce called me "absolutely beautiful". She told me to start believing it, but I'm glad that she also understands how hard that can be. I just wish that I wasn't so freakin messed up all the time. If its not one thing, its ten other different things. Honestly, I'd like to be able to look back on my life and say, "I was really healthy at this point." Mom says the hungriness is probably from inactivity, but really, I've only been "inactive" for two days now. And this has been going on way longer. Effin hormones suck. Its annoying, I'll eat, feel satisfied, stop, and half an hour later need to eat again. And I was doing so well with my weightloss. Maybe when I'm running after small children all day I'll get back to normal.

Anyways, enough complaining. I am thankful for creative expression, family, friends, and freedom.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Ah sweet depression, my ever present comforter-controller. We are but on the eve of our fifth year since you were brought into existence. Or perhaps it was just acknowlegement and you were here with me all along. What shall I cover you up with next? Insistent planning of an ever-nearing future? I've used up all excuses to splurge my "hard-earned savings". Although I'm sure I could always think of more.

And what have you brought along with you? It seems to me as though misery, deception and failure are never far from your side. I wallow in my self pity, only to be angry at myself for not cheering up. This in turn causes more self pity, knowing that I'm ungrateful and will never be good enough to love because I, myself, do not love. Ironically, its myself I do not love. I decieve myself, trying to be thinner, quieter, louder, less "curvy", tanner, less of myself. Deception is a recipe for failure, for everyone knows that if you decieve yourself, you'll only fail at impossible, most-likely imagined, unrealistic goals. Thus, the cycle of depression begins again, stronger, if not moreso, than the last round.

And so, here I sit, after a personal photo-shoot. One that I began to capture my true self in the moment. One that I left, only after editing and "perfecting" every picture that I deemed "worthy". Who sets these standards? One could always blame the media. Or the age old "all bad things are a result of sin". But do/are we do(ing) anything about it? Once again I'm moving from subject to subject, not connecting them enough to make sense to anyone other than myself. But then again, isn't that what it's all about? Our personal struggle and accomplishments through this mess we call life? And does anyone ever find the meaning of life; before the life they were trying to fill with meaningfulness is over and forgotten?

For fear of becoming too philisophical for my own understandings, I will end here and leave you with the "beauty" I've captured in these wee hours.

Blogger is being tight and only letting me upload two. If you're truly interested in the others, be warned, they're very raw and somewhat disturbing.
Now you know.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Cracked, Slightly Broken

Cracked, slightly broken
an earthen vessel on a shelf
Awaiting the day of renewal
To once again feel purpose

Cracked, slightly broken
yet this vessel remains together
The wound, although deep, isn't more
Than the handiwork can withstand

Cracked, slightly broken
seemingly forgotten and left to deteriorate
Patiently it sits upon the Potter's shelf
Knowing only He can repair the damage done

Cracked, slightly broken
the earthen vessel is placed upon a table
To be made new, it must let its Maker work
Beautiful once again, but not without going through the fire

Cracked, slightly broken
a heart still beats inside
Striving for beauty, yet
Afraid to trust the Potter and His refining fire

Cracked, slightly broken
the heart continues to fill itself up
All the effort is to no avail
As imitation love seeps through, widening the crevices of pain

Cracked, slightly broken
this heart has had enough
Tired of doing things on its own
She surrenders to her Maker

Cracked, slightly broken
a new experience is felt
Over flowing with love that is true
Love that repairs all past cracks

Cracked, slightly broken
are the hearts of many others
Seeing their pain and knowing true healing
The once crumbling heart ministers to ones as she once was

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Dione On A Blog

Here's the link to Dione's blog: I helped her make it. :)

Check it out. Do it. I dare you to. Go on. You know you want to. Are you doing it yet? No? Why not!? DO IT! It's Dione! On a blog! Ok. GO. haha like the band. And Go.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Blind Dates And Coffee Cups

Here she sits at a table for two
eyes open, yet unseeing of the beauty around her
People pass by,
sights and sounds are unoticed and forgotten

I watch her play with the handle
of a cup of warm liquid
Ignoring the contents,
she is more fascinated
with the vessel

Wondering what it is on her mind
that could bring such intense concentration
I, myself, sit and stare,
unaware of the very act

She checks her watch,
breaking her personal reverie
A look passes across her face;
I know not whether it is disappointment,
or resignation

A moment passes and as she rises to leave,
she looks at me and gives a smile;
A smile with beauty I've yet to see challenged

Here I sit at a table for two
thinking of the girl who was waiting
for me.

To clear up confusion...this was written from a guy's point of veiw. In the words of Robin "I'm not a lesbian you guys!"

Friday, September 22, 2006

Magnificent Obsession by Steven Curtis Chapman

Lord, You know how much
I wanna know so much
In the way of answers
And explanation
I have cried and prayed,
And still I seem to stay
In the middle of life's complications
All this pursuing
Leaves me feelin' like
I'm chasin' down the wind
But now it's brought me back to You
And I can see again

This is everything I want,
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one
Consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You,
Be my magnificent obsession
Yeah-yeah, yeah, yeah

So capture my heart again,
Take me to depths I've never been
Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy
Return me to the cross,
And let me be completely lost
In the wonder of the love
That You've shown me

Cut through these chains that tie me down
To so many lesser things,
Let all my dreams fall to the ground
Until this one remains

This is everything I want,
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one
Consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You,
Be my magnificent obsession

My magnificent obsession
Yeah-yeah, yeah, yeah

You are everything I want
And You are everything I need
Lord, You are all my heart desires,
You are everything to me

You are everything I want,
You are everything I need
I want You to be my one
Consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You,
I want it all to be for You
'Cause You are everything I want,
You are everything I need
I want You to be my one
Consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You,
Be my magnificent obsession
Be my magnificent obsession
Yeah-yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh-oh, oh, oh

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Only For You

This is a poem
and it is only for you
to show you that
my love is true

It's not for the rest
just only for you
I'm telling you now
that you are the best

You are more beautiful
than any simple flower
If you don't believe me
just give me an hour

Spend time in His Word
and seek His face
When battles are hard
together we'll finish the race

I write this for you
my sister through love
I pray that some day
we'll both find love that is true.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

And Many More

Not one more year
Just one more day
One more day of being

Not one more smile
Just one more mask
One more mask that hides

How have I changed
If at all stayed the same
From a calendar ago
To now
Since then?

What is the use
Of this vicious cycle
That leaves in its wake
Wisdom and

Not one more year
Just three hundred sixty-five
Days of memory

Not one more smile
Just one more tear
Hidden and brushed away

How will I change
If not stay the same?
I pray it won't be so

What use will I be
In the cycle of other's lives
Will I gain from them

Not one more year
Just one more day
One more day
Filled with

As I reflect on this year, the trials and triumphs, I realize that I need to give God praise until there is no longer breath in my body; even then I will praise Him with the angels! My prayer for this year is that my life will be worthy of the calling that I've received.

Ephesians 4:1-6 (NIV)
1As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. 4There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called— 5one Lord, one faith, one baptism; 6one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Day With The Fam

So I spent the day with my family and the Krumrei's (Ryan's in-laws). We all had lunch at the golf course and then everyone, minus Tim & Clare, went out to the cabin Dwayne's building for his cousin. I've never been there and was quite amazed at how huge it is. I got a bit dizzy looking up at the ceilings (23' high!) and enjoyed going on the roof/balcony. Jonathan and Caleb built a "fort" in one of the rooms downstairs and wanted me to come see it. The let me in and said it was only for 7-20 year old people. I thought it was sweet how excited they were to include me. I miss having fun with those boys, even when they're too noisy or repetitive.
We were out side and the lake was really calm so I got mom to talk a picture of me by a tree.
Then we all headed over to Bethel for supper. I walked with the boys, they enjoyed it and I enjoyed their company. We beat almost everyone there, except Dwayne, who took a short cut (cheater, haha). We all had to wait for the two old geezers who also decided to walk. It was so weird being up there again without any campers or friends/co counselors. We ate, took pictures as we fed Whiskey Jacks and a frisky squirrel, and started to pack everything up.

Mom took a picture of Gerry and Talita and I just had to get a picture of
me against the autumnal canoes. I love the changing colors of the leaves! God's nature is so amazing. Its the best backdrop for any photo. Now we're home and I'll be back at work tomorrow (yay...). I got a little bit discouraged on Friday, but I'm sure things will work themselves out eventually; I've just got to stick to it. I've got more at stake than proving to my dad I can handle responsibility. I need to get out of here. Anyways, I had a good day today. I didn't do anything I planned to do this weekend, but I did read more of my book. I'm such a nerd. Oh well. Food for thought I guess. I should do laundry so that I have clothes to wear this week. Otherwise I might have to get up early tomorrow morning and do it (oh no! not morning!).

Thursday, September 07, 2006

You Gave Me New Life

You asked me if I would
give You my heart
I held it tight and asked
what's in it for me?

You told me in exchange
I would gain life
All I had to do was follow
and trust in You

You said it wouldn't be easy
but well worth the pain
I knew what You said was true
and gave you my heart

You called me Beloved Child
and showed me joy
I expected to be hurt again
but wasn't because You are Love

I Gave You My Heart

You asked if you could
borrow my heart
I placed it in your hands
No strings attached

You took that heart
and placed it next to yours
Until their love pumped together
Making us one

You began to not show
any more interest
The love-flow weakened
Pain filled my heart

You gave my heart back
broken, bruised and weak
I looked through teary eyes wondering,
why did I ever trust you?

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

That's A Pickle...

So, there's this thing called money. It has many purposes: further economy, gain possessions, create opportunities to travel, ensure a better seat at restaraunts, still wagging lips, make bad things disappear. It must be good if it can do all that right? I have trouble believing that. The pickle part is, I need money to get to Jerusalem and I really don't like having money. I'm afraid of having so much in my wallet (need to deposit it tomorrow) or even in my bank account. I buy so many unneccesary things when I know I have the funds to do so. Or I just nickle & dime it away. There are three or four things I do need, no matter what. They are glasses ($300 or so), passport ($80-100 I think), work visa (no clue) and I forgot the other one...mustn't have been too important. I'm also finding that having a driver's liscence would be a great asset so I don't have to taxi home at night and mom won't worry about me walking home. Thing is, I don't want to drive. I'm not afraid to, I just don't see the need. Sure, I'm uncomfortable riding in taxi's, though I've never done it, I'll surely get used to it. Besides, carpooling is better for the environment anyways. Even though I'm not that one blew up in my face. Wow I just checked airline prices; it's gone up $600 since the last time I checked. $2412, from Stoon to Tel Aviv on Northwest Air. That's leaving in January and returning in July (longest time the site would allow). I don't know when I'm going, so don't take January as a set in stone date. Air Canada's flight (I just messed around and clicked a few things) is only $2347.94; not much of a difference but it's better. Anyways, this has all got me a bit overwhelmed. In short, I don't like money and the pressure it puts on me. All I know is that I want to get out before the next blow up. Although those odds get slimmer every day...

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Just a Rant

Wow, I really can't wait to leave this house! Don't mind me, its probably just the little sleep talking, but I need to get this out. If I'm not getting the third degree 20 billion questions, I'm being treated like a freakin retard. How can a person ever excell if they aren't expected to, rather expected to keep doing worse. This expectation of failure is just a set up so that he can point out yet another of my mistakes. When I find something I enjoy doing, its never good enough. Maybe there is always something better out there, but when you find something good and satisfying, wouldn't it make sense to hold on to it? What irks me the most is in almost all conversations that he's trying to gather information from me, he already knows what he needs to know. So why must I waste breath and effort? Why can't I just move on. I've been trying so hard! Just let me go, let me live, let me breathe. Talking is becoming so futile; if I'm not telling you what you want to hear, you're only hearing what you want to. How can everyone else say that I have to love and respect you when you give me no reason to, only many reasons not to? Probably the dumbest part of this whole thing is I'm only hurting myself. You probably don't even notice, you're always in your own little world. I don't know why I didn't get a job sooner, its one more thing that gets me away from you. I wonder if you've ever noticed, that everywhere I've applied, are places you never or rarely go to.

Anyways, that was my rant. And my 50th post...I'm catching up Robin. Haha.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

First Day At The Bean There Cafe

Well, I just got off my training shift and other than sore feet, it rocked! Seriously, I'm so happy that we went there last night. God totally knew my heart wasn't in to working at Coop, and provided an alternative. Working with Jazzy as my "boss" was so much fun. She taught me how to do everything and said it so I'd understand. I especially appreciated the hands-on time she gave me. After letting me answer the phone once or twice, I just automatically did it. Same with making drinks and running the till. It was also cool to do dishes with her; we got some good chatting time in. I really love how easy she is to talk to. It would've sucked if I didn't get along or didn't feel comfortable with the people I work with. It just makes for awkward times. She totally gave me the confidence to make different drinks all night. She was always encouraging, or if I screwed up, like spilling the tin of tea, she didn't yell, but helped me clean it up and reassure me that she'd done it before too. I didn't mess up any orders and I doubt if anyone knew it was my first day. Other than Morgan Todd, who I told. Man, Jon and Laura called like 9 times each! Jon's so easy to joke around with and he's really laid back which made working there less stressful. I'll get to work with him on Saturday so that he can retrain me. Jazzy says he does it to everyone, so it's not that I sucked or anything, just so he knows how they work out. I only burnt myself three times and Jazzy once (didn't hurt though). I made her a drink and she really liked it. I like the two that I made for myself as well. The biggest compliment she gave me was that I made foam as good as Jen Fry!!!! Yes that's right Robin, I'm as good as Jen Fry! Ok, for fear of getting a big head, I should shut-er down. I have to make the dreaded call to Coop to tell them I'm taking the job at Bean there. Its okay, they knew I was offered it and that I wouldn't be working with them for long since I'm leaving as soon as I've got the money and the paper work. That doesn't make me want to call them any more though. Oh well, I've gotta do it. Okay, gonna go do something cooler than this...most likely a movie. I live an exciting life!