To Whom It May Concern

To those who said I was ugly, too plain, imperfect
I AM made me beautiful, unique and precious

To those who said I couldn't, wouldn't or shouldn't
I AM said I can, will, and should

To those who said I'm too weak, dumb or unable
I AM made me strong, intelligent and capable

To those who said I won't go with you
I AM said "I am always with you"

To those who said I don't love you
I AM said "My love is enough"

To those who didn't believe, trust or accept me
I AM gave me faith, hope, love and trust

To those who gave encouragement, guidance and wisdom
I AM says "Inasmuch unto the least of these, you've done unto me"



"If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

I'm Finally Done!!!

Well boys and girls, I just walked out of Carpenter High School for the last time as a student. I still have three days of exams and grad stuff, but I won't be going to the regular classes each day anymore. I did a walk through to say goodbye to everything that had meaning to me. It was so hard to say goodbye to certain places like the theatre, Boyko's room, Spike's room and the Fing's room. I couldn't even go into Helgeton's room, he was in there and that made it even harder. I have so many memories in that room. It makes me miss a lot of people: Jesse Calvert, Clint Nicholson, Randy Coier (man that guy was funny), Kory, Jacob, Jonny, Logan, Joe, Chae-rin Oh!!!, Daisy, Mina-Linn Sophie Helme Olafson, Melissa Stephenson, Tess, Jessie, Paul, Kera, Lacey, and so many others that it would be boring to name them all. Most of all, I'm going to miss Mr. Helgeton. Hopefully I'll be able to say goodbye before grad, cuz I'll probably be crying enough on that day anyways. As we were leaving and we stood in the commons area one last time, so many memories flooded my mind. Memories of eating lunch with the "cool" grade 12's when I was in grade 10, singing barber shop style with AJ and a bunch of other people, people dancing on the light pole, so many lunches eaten, so many "happy birthday's" sung, so many awkward and traumatizing Fing moments, and this year finally realizing that I am now one of the "cool" (hahahaha) grade 12's. Its so overwhelming to think that I had an impact on someone's life. I'll always remember what a great influence the grade 12's of the past three years have been on me. Maybe some of the grade 10 & 11's will look back when they're graduating and remember me. I will always wonder if my impact was a positive or negative one while I was in school, or should I say when I was in school. I'll never forget Tomoko when I came to school after not being there for a few days. She was so happy to see me back and gave me a big hug. Oh man I'm remembering so much stuff right now. Surprisingly a lot has to do with grade 10 & 11. Maybe this year is still too fresh to be reminiscing about. I'll have to post my journal entry from English when I get it back. It basically summed up what high school meant to me. This is the start of something new. The sun is out and the clouds have cleared(literally). I beat the odds and surpassed the negative expectations of so many people in my past. It's so true that "but by the grace of God" I am here where I am today. I've grown up a lot these past three years. And I've also stayed immature through them. I've done some stuff that definately was out of my comfort zone, and in a way built new borders around my comfort zone, expanding it for sure. Anyways, my journal thing will explain things a bit better probably.

Pet Peeve Rant

Ok time for a pet peeve rant. If you tell me to do something or give someone a message, I'll do it. Don't tell them or do it after I've already done it. If you don't trust me or whatever, don't tell me to do something. Honestly, if you don't want me to do it, do it yourself. Don't waste my time and my breath when you're just going to do everything yourself, your own way. Don't give me the instructions if you don't expect me to read them. Well that was a lot of don'ts. So, here's a do: do stop being a jerk and living in your own dream world. Do realize that the world doesn't stop when things don't go 'your' way. Do start taking care of your family and stop feeding your midlife crisis.
Ok so I think I'm done that part.
ONE DAY OF SCHOOL LEFT!!! Not counting exams that is. So, I got an award/certificate thingy for something I quit and wasn't even officially signed up for. Yeah, thanks a lot Ms. Hamoline. If it weren't for her scatterbrainedlyness I would have not been in really awkward spotlight today. Yeah, that was unexpectedly awkward.
Why can't memories be erased? The ones that hurt the most seem to resurface so often. Is that some twisted punishment for eating the 'apple'? Why is it so much easier to think and dwell on the bad stuff instead of being able to hold on to the happy times? Oh blast its my last day of school tomorrow. I realize I just said that all excitedly, but really it's quite sad. I'll definately have a few moments saying good-bye to the classrooms and the entire school. Stand on the stage one last time, maybe go into the office one last time (hopefully haha), maybe replace the ghost in Paylor's room. Anyways, I gotta go shower and get to bed at a decent hour tonight. Goodnight my devoted readers!

Personality Test

Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion

60%
Stability

33%
Orderliness

63%
Accommodation

70%
Interdependence

36%
Intellectual

16%
Mystical

50%
Artistic

56%
Religious

90%
Hedonism

10%
Materialism

30%
Narcissism

56%
Adventurousness

50%
Work ethic

30%
Self absorbed

36%
Conflict seeking

36%
Need to dominate

50%
Romantic

70%
Avoidant

56%
Anti-authority

50%
Wealth

56%
Dependency

56%
Change averse

70%
Cautiousness

76%
Individuality

70%
Sexuality

36%
Peter pan complex

70%
Physical security

83%
Physical fitness

50%
Histrionic

63%
Paranoia

56%
Vanity

70%
Hypersensitivity

76%
Female cliche

70%

Stability results were moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:
self revealing, neat, craves attention, prefers organized to unpredictable, needs things to be extremely clean, worrying, perfectionist, emotionally sensitive, respects authority, social, vain, does not like to be alone, likes large parties, controlling, social chameleon, not a thrill seeker, enjoys leadership, takes precautions, puts the needs of others ahead of their own, assertive, rule conscious, makes friends easily, always busy, heart over mind, phobic, aggressive, clingy, compassionate, dominant, outgoing, suspicious, hard working, strong

My version of Amos 4:6-11

I gave you a full stomach
and an abundance of bread
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

I showered rain on you
enough for the harvest still to come
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

I have given the people enough to drink
not withholding the waters from them
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

I have kept the pests from your garden
so it can grow and be a great source of food for you
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

I keep you safe from famine and disease
and protect you from the sword
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

I saved you from the fire
from the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah
and yet you have not returned to me
declares the Lord

_____________________________________________

This is so true in my life right now. God keeps showering me with blessings and I complain about the things that I feel are absent in it.

Cool thing Dione gave me

You say: "It's impossible."
God says: All things are possible. (Luke 18:27)
You say: "I'm too tired."
God says: I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28-30)
You say: "Nobody really loves me."
God says: I love you. (John 3:16 & John 13:34)
You say: "I can't go on."
God says: My grace is sufficient. (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)
You say: "I can't figure things out."
God says: I will direct your steps. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
You say: "I can't do it."
God says: You can do all things. (Philippians 4:13)
You say: "I'm not able."
God says: I am able. (II Corinthians 9:8)
You say: "It's not worth it."
God says: It will be worth it. (Roman 8:28)
You say: "I can't forgive myself."
God says: I FORGIVE YOU. (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: "I can't manage."
God says: I will supply all your needs. (Philippians 4:19)
You say: "I'm afraid."
God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear. (II Timothy 1:7)
You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated."
You say: "I don't have enough faith."
God says: I've given everyone a measure of faith. (Romans 12:3)
You say: "I'm not smart enough."
God says: I give you wisdom. (I Corinthians 1:30)
You say: "I feel all alone."
God says: I will never leave you or forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5)

I've said so many of these things over the past few months. It's nice to know where these truths are found. It's easy to know the truth, but better when you have proof and some place to turn to. I hope this can be of some help to you other girls who I know are going through some of the same things as me. Even when we don't love ourselves, God always does.

Welcome Dione!

Hey Dione, just thought I'd welcome you to my blog. Most of my poems are found in months past, but feel free to look around wherever you want to. Hope nothing offends you or anything, I just write what I think and feel. Yup. Well...welcome to my deadly-riffic site.

I don't know what I want to write, just know that I want to write something. If that makes any sense.
I've had a pretty good weekend thus far. Yesterday I watched The Ringer with Robin, Mitch and Tay(who left and then came back with Jen Fry!) and I laughed a lot. After supper Robin and I wanted to go get ice cream and Robin suited up because it was cold out. Not to be left out, she dressed me up as well. We looked crazy. It was one of the most daring things I've done in a long time. I was definately out of my comfort zone, but it was good to get out, even if it was just to Eastside, Bean There and Rob's. Oh yeah, we went to Rob and Amanda's and watched Kingdom of Heaven with them and Dione. I love that movie so much. The fact that Orlando Bloom is in it might have something to do with that, but its also very historically enticing. Even though I hated learning about the crusades in Boyko's class, I love watching this movie, because its something I do on my own time and am not forced to learn about. I guess that's the way I work. Like taking Hamlet for example, I'm sure I would have loved the play had I done it on my own time, but reading it in class, taking notes on every little detail and watching the movie kinda killed it for me. Then again, some things are better learned as a group. Nothing comes to mind at the moment, but I'm sure there's something.
Oh, I thought of something, poetry. I loved that section of (un)Creative Writing. Hearing other people's writing styles and experiences through poetry was so awesome for me. And then came the collective...haha we won't go there. If I had to read one style of literature for the rest of my life I'd choose poetry. It's more than just writing to me. It captures emotions and makes dreams seem real with flow and rhythm. Its odd how a peice of writing is so hard to explain with words. I think that's a part of why I like songs so much. Really, they're just poems with a beat and a tune. If I could only write one way, again, I'd choose poetry. Why? Because a poem can be as short or long as you want it to be. It can rhyme, contradict itself, and be full of nonsense all at once. You can say everything while saying seemingly nothing at the same time. It's not bound to formality or familiarity. Even if you don't get what it's trying to say, a single line or phrase could be the meaning of life and inspiration to you or another.
I know why I'm so in love with poetry. Its been one of my only outlets of emotion for such a long time. I think I was wrong in saying I don't grieve over losses; I do, I just write about them. When I write a really good piece, I don't need to cry about the situation because I've gotten the emotion out on paper. I do know that there are things I should cry about and haven't grieved or dealt with, but the others I don't. I've given them closure by putting them into words and not water.
So, I guess this is the start of healing. Realizing how I do deal with loss and what situations I've left unfinished. Well, on a happier note than I started, "You're not very pretty, and you're not very bright. I'm glad we had this talk."

Fire Inside

Scratch, claw, break
fire rushes through

Scream, lie, believe
fire dies inside

Fight, pull, fall
fire all around

Grab, reach, miss
fire goes out.

Strength to Begin

I ask Why
as I cry myself to sleep
Knowing 'Why' will never be enough
to fix the pain

I ask How
as I look at the list
Knowing 'How' will never be enough
to start the healing

I ask Who
as I search for love
Knowing 'Who' will never be enough
to begin loving myself

I ask questions
as I try to understand
Knowing questions get me nowhere
and action is what I need

To be able
to start this long process
Will take more strength and courage
than I know

I ask You
to give me what I need
Knowing You alone are enough
to heal this wounded spirit

My Current Belief

So I had a really great talk with Rob today. It started out with the Braden situation and just kept getting more and more interesting. I was pretty nervous, for reasons unknown/unsure to me, and we got to talk about that too. But thats not really what this blog is about. Quite a ways into the conversation, we talked about losses and grief and how I deal, rather don't deal, with them. We talked about the different kinds of loss; it was cool the way Rob got me to list them, as if I had to teach a class on them. For me, I don't really accept any kind of loss as valid other than death. This has made a lot of things difficult for me, because I refuse to deal with any other kinds of loss, such as loss of friendship, hope, love, etc. I don't let myself grieve for these kinds because to me, the world says that they're not worth crying over, to be tough and stay happy. (That's a whole other thing, not going to get into that right now.)
What I came up with in the end or near to the end was this: I can't grieve for any losses because I don't feel I'm worth losing or being grieved over. Ok, I'll try and explain this in seperate parts. I don't feel I'm worth losing means that it doesn't matter when I get rejected by a guy or whatever because I obviously wasn't worth enough to them. Not sure if that makes sense or not. Not worth being grieved over means basically what it says. I don't think I'm good enough for other's or even my own pity. Pity has never gotten me anywhere except maybe a few pounds heavier. I hate having people feel sorry for me or anything like that. I feel like I'm just bringing them down and can't stand that. Because I don't feel worthy, rather feel worthless, I don't let myself grieve over any other losses, even when I know I should. I guess its not so much that I can't, its that I don't.
What I have to do now is start dealing with all of the losses in my life one by one, not get overwhelmed with them, keep things in perspective, let myself cry over things, and know when its time to call for help. Thing is, I don't even know which one to start with. I could start with Braden, but what good will that do if I can't even love myself enough to deal with someone else not loving me? And I honestly don't know if I'm ready to deal with my self-esteem issues at this present moment. I don't know where to start. I guess I could just start with listing all the stuff, but am afraid that that list will overwhelm me even more. I really just want to get over Braden and be able to be around him for 5 weeks of the summer comfortably. Maybe comfortability is too much to ask right now, lets go with lessened awkwardness. No matter how far I work through it, things will still be a bit weird between us, but I truely hope that we will regain some piece of our friendship that we had last summer.
I should probably work on my nerves and "defense mechanism" that I've put into use everyday for far longer than I can remember. I don't know why I'm so afraid of opening up to people and letting them see the real me. I guess its because I don't even like me. So why expect anyone else to right? AHHHHH!This is all so frustrating, but I needed to get all this out so bad. I needed the cycle to be broken, or my whole self would have broken under the weight of it all. Too bad we don't have another school break, I could just hole up somewhere and have a little or big breakdown, pick myself up, pick up the pieces and get on with life. That's what I need, a retreat, get away from everything and just be with me, God and these looming troubles. I haven't been out of town since March, and that was only for ortho. I've been to Cold Lake two other times, but other than that I haven't been out since all those trips to Calgary in Sept. which weren't very stress-free, but the exact opposite. I think the last retreat I was on was the youth/elder retreat last year. Man I wish I had a cabin I could go to or somewhere I could be alone, be safe, and be able to get help if need be. Does such a utopia exist? If only in my dreams, that is should I be able to sleep through the night peacefully. Which I should try and get to right about now.
I'm not even sure what I've all written but it did help a bit. Kind of. I still don't know where I'm going to start. I guess this is a start though. Talking about it, facing it outloud, and writing it out has helped. If only I weren't so scared of all the work ahead of me I could get through it quickly, although not painlessly. I think thats what scares me the most, I know I'm going to be in pain dealing with all these things, and almost want to keep denying them. But know I can't. Rob & Robin I'd really appreciate if you two would keep me accountable on all this. You can obviously understand what I'm trying to say better than anyone else reading this and apparently (:-P) can see through my "masks". So here's to bringing up all the things I've been running from, denying myself tears over, and trying to forget or replace with false happiness. Cheers!