Sunday, December 31, 2006

Score: Creativity 1, Writer's Block 0

That's right folks, I have reached my goal of writing 66 poems in 2006. There is a lot of diversity in the poems I've written in the past year. And, technically, I only began writing again in April of 06. (Not including poems from creative writing class in 2005). Only 9 more until I reach 100 overall. Hmm, 9 is my favorite number. Cool. The poems have showcased the rollercoaster of emotions I've been through this year. There are your obvious depressing ones and their counter-happy ones. Ones of promises made and broken, hearts broken and mended, spiritual insights, the "scary" ones as mom calls them, ones to remember and honour loved ones, the odd random thought ones, plus a few songs. I'm sure I'm forgetting some, but I really don't feel like categorizing each one atm. I'm so happy to have accomplished this. Even though I just thought up this concept like a week ago maybe, I was able to set a goal that was manageable and acheivable. I should do that more often; so many times I set goals that overwhelm me when I try and get them, without giving thought to the work needed to go in to them.
So yeah, uh, WOOT!

Thanks Ryan very much for the scarf, mitts and body spray. I LOVE the scent. And the other stuff is so soft, and matches my jacket better than my bright pink scarf. I laughed a bit when I read what the bottle says, "Spritz-on seductiveness with dazzling Neroli Jasmin scent". I didn't know you could spritz on seductiveness. Who knew? I can never find a perfume that I like that doesn't make me choke or bore me. You found a great one. Plus, I love Body Shop stuff.
I also got a 2 disc James Blunt cd from Uncle Ted. It has the regular "Back to Bedlam" cd and the other disc is his Live in Ireland enhanced with video and making of Goodbye My Lover. Good cd. I didn't know that such good music could come from such an obvious pothead. Wow, so much drug connotations. Some of the ideas in the songs are pretty crazy, but good nonetheless. The day was long with the obligitory underlying stress and tension. Chocolates and a scary movie are my new remedy to battle depression. Good stuff. Gets that adrenaline pumping.

Happy New Year to you all. Still not sure what I'll do. Maybe nothing, maybe a bit of everything. Yeah right. Probably nothing. Well, off to waste more time on the internet.
WOOT again!

PS I got new glasses as well! They look very similar to my old ones, just smaller frames. And the lenses are compressed, although it doesn't really look that way. Yeah, I'm pretty blind. I'm still getting used to them though. My eyelashes keep brushing against them, quite annoying.


Monday, December 25, 2006

Get Lost!

Hey, I was just invited to play this game by another person on a forum. Its to see how we're all connected. I know its just one more form to fill out or whatever, but I think it could be fun. Will you join me? I get points for every person I invite. So, come on, help me out.

Merry Christmas!

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Bah Humbug Anyone?

Why do we even bother anymore? Christmas has become a mockery of the reason for the season. We took the gifts of the wise men and turned it into greed and materialism.

So, we opened gifts tonight. Let me back up a bit though. On the way to the church, dad asked, "Does it feel like Christmas to you Jo?" Hmm...let me see, no. It hasn't for the past 5 years. "Not really" I replied. "Why not?" "It just doesn't." Good answer. >.<>
We got home and I wanted to get things started but had to wait while he checked his messages, bids online, other such wastes of time. Why must a person ask "What's this?" when he gets a box, wrapped up, that is in a rectangular shape? Just open the blasted thing already! Find out, don't ask a billion questions. Why must you prolong this agony? I'm so sick of Christmas with the family, and it only lasted about 2 hours. And there were only three people here. yikes, try quadrupling that and you'll get the festivities of Saturday yet to come. Oh well, I got some good gifts from mom and had some delicious egg nog (non-alcoholic, watered down with skim milk, of course).

This is what I've got, thus far (all from mom): A hand-knit sweater, wellness light up alarm clock (sun-lamp idea), Santa Claus Is Coming To Town dvd (YAY), Lighthouse calendar. And for my "hope"(less) chest: set of 4 plates, small containers, 3 dish towels, cook book, partylight tea set. Now I just have to get a nice chest. And a prospect of a husband. Or maybe I'll start out with a boyfriend. That'd probably be the wisest route. Oh and Robin got me a really nice wooden box. I've got to find something to put in it, but I'm sure something will fill it.

Now to dream of the delicious cinnamon buns I'll be consuming in the morn. Or whenever I happen to wake up.

Merry Christmas, happy new year and happy boxing day (its the 26th in Korea already).

Saturday, December 23, 2006

O Christmas Tree

Well, it seems as though the Christmas bug has bitten me. I just put up our tree. It's sparkling with its fibre-optic branches, standing on a table, (to bolster its self-esteem, of course), with a few presents underneath. Its kinda nice not having to compete with five other kids to see who's got the most presents. It's just between mom and I now. It still doesn't really feel like Christmas, just like another day, with the addition of a tree and gifts. But, isn't that what we've come to regocnize Christmas as? It will be interesting to see how long it takes until the kitten knocks the tree down, or tears into the presents.

Only 5 more poems to go til I have 66 in 06. 11 more after that if I want to have a total of 100. I should probably get back to my busy schedule of doing absolutely nothing. It takes a lot out of me. I just don't know how I do it. I'm just amazing like that.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good life. (being as it is not of the nocturnal persuasion yet.)

Sunday, December 17, 2006

66 in 06?

So, I've written 56 poems this year. Shall I try for 66? I think I shall. Could be fun. Holy crap, Christmas day is a week away. hehe that rhymed. I bought a calligraphy set yesterday and am loving learning how to write all pertyfull. I made some Christmas cards and have wrote out some poems, although they all ended up in the garbage. Turns out the ink is a wee bit permanent. Oops. The stress of Christmas has begun, dad and I are fighting again. Yay. I really would just rather open gifts on Christmas Eve and sleep the next day. Then save the rest of the stress for the 30th. That's gonna be a loud day. I can feel it. Sigh. Only two more weeks working full time! I start working afternoons only in January and am quite excited about that. I'll also be taking a correspondence course in Feb. I think it's Orientation to Childcare or something like that. I'll have to spend three weekends in S'toon, not sure how I'll get there, but it should be good. It'll be good to have some education under my belt to fall back on. There's so much I'll be able to go into with that. I just hope I can actually do it. I better, it costs $800 just to register. Yikes. Well, I can't think of anything else to ramble about, so I'll be off. To what? Who knows.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

"Worst Episode Ever"

Bleh. Yesterday, was possibly one of the worst days of my life. I went to work feeling like crap and got yelled at for "sitting too much and not taking care of the kids". My co-worker went so far as to take her accusations to the new Exec. Director of the Door. He called me into his office and showed me what she'd written. Of course, now that I've let myself cry, my fears of not being able to stop have come true. I broke down and was overwhelmed by everything that was going on. I was 98% ready to quit my job so that I wouldn't have to put up with all the drama. Then I thought, Where would I go? I don't have any training or secondary education. I won't work in fast food ever again as long as I can help it. Where in Meadow Lake would hire me without any credentials and such inexperience? So Bill and I decided to talk again on Wednesday with the new Director of Tiny Treasures, Lila Schwing. Yeah. When I found out she's the new dir., I thought, I really don't need another reason to quit. I'm sure she's good at what she does, but I've never got along with her, or felt comfortable around her. I suppose we'll see how she does, but the other girls aren't too excited about it either. Could be tense for awhile longer. We'll be deciding if it would be best for me to start working there part time to give myself some time to stress relieve. So, whatever, I went back to work and vented to Val. Good times, she really helped. I also called my mom and cried to her. And then talked again when I got home.

Today, I was feeling just as bad, but went to work. Amy was, amazing. She completely understands what I'm going through and isn't upset that I've missed work or haven't been feeling good. She just wants me to get the answers I need and get back to my normal self. Me too. She let me stay in the preschool's room so I wouldn't have to deal with Sherry. Goooood. Yet, I still had a few run-ins with her. She told me I couldn't go to the dr. because she had an appointment. Amy came in right after her and said to listen to her, not to Sherry. Obviously. So, I did go to the clinic. And waited two hours. Of course I saw a dr who hasn't been involved with what's been happening the last month, so I had to explain everything again. She looked at my chart and kinda got a better picture. She told me to go off the pill and just take Provera (Progesterone) again. This really upset me because Dr. Johnson prescribed this about two or three weeks ago and it didn't do anything to stop the bleeding. I don't understand why they'd give me something that didn't work. I'm glad in a way to go off the pill because it and the patch have screwed up my depression. I can handle when I have mood swings, because I know that with every low swing, there'll be a happy time after. Not the case this time. It's all been low times. And times have gotten pretty scary close to "the old times". Hopefully when my body gets rid of all the drugs I've been putting into it, things will rebalance themselves. I don't worry too much when I feel like quitting my job, its when I start considering quitting life that I get concerned.

I guess what I'm trying to get down to is a prayer request. I've identified four or more battles that I'm fighting. Physical, Emotional, Mental, Spiritual (PEMS hehe), occupational, and the good ol' reliable domestic battle. I don't know what else to do anymore but ask for prayer. The physicians aren't giving me answers, so I'll take the advice of my big sister and ask the Physician who has all the answers and healing powers I need. Plus, venting on here helps a bit too. ^.^ Yeah, prayer would be appreciated.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

80th Post!

Yup, this is post number 80. Its almost sad that I've spent so much time pouring my heart out to a screen lit by a flourescent bulb. I was reminded tonight that December sees the most recorded "encounters" with depression and suicide. Whoohoo. Why don't we rub it in a bit more? I started tricyclin-lo (sp?) today. Maybe I'm just having a down mood. I sure hope the side effects aren't that immediate. That would suck hard core. I was also sort of reminded that I'm glad I backed out of the Jr Youth retreat. Jr teen girls are mean. No wonder I hated jr high so much. I really don't need to be made to feel worse about myself by people younger than me. I definately don't need that added on to everything else. I just didn't think it'd be cool to haul all my meds out there and possibly face unintentional rude/ignorant questions. Plus, I need all the sleep I can get. I really need to get energy back and stop getting wiped out so easily. Stupid loss of iron. I'm starting to enjoy work more. On Friday I chatted with Amy and Sherry about my experience with depression and apparently really encouraged Amy. That's pretty cool. Man, she's so close to giving her life to God, it's really cool. I hope that I can help her with any questions or just be an example to her. Suppose I should start giving God more credit for the good he's done in my life and stop complaining so much. That would be a good example eh? One step at a time. So, I broke down and cried last night. Good ol' Million Dollar Baby. It was a good cry. I didn't think I'd ever stop, and had a lot of trouble breathing, which made me feel nauseous and gave me a tummy ache all night. But I think it was worth getting some of it out. Believe me, it's not all out. I should do that more often. As sick and soggy as I felt, overall it felt much better to release stuff. I really didn't expect to write all this. I just wanted to say the thing about Depressing December. I need to sleep so I can get up for work tomorrow.

Kirsten, thanks for being my crying poetry buddy.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

I'm Such A Nerd...

So, I just spent an entire day writing my 60th poem. It's a long sucker. Rather depressing too. Or is that depressingly true? Yeah, that's it. Except, I'm not dead yet. Yeah., birth control pills. How's that for ya? I guess we'll see what wacky side effects these give me. Whoohoo, sounds exciting. Wow, I really miss having Braden around. We're big nerds together. And its okay. So, turns out I probably won't be going anywhere til next fall at least. I'm mostly okay with that; I just wish I could go somewhere else for the holidays. But hey, we're having "fun with the Metz family" this Christmas. Should be good times. I'm pretty much done my shopping now. Gotta love Midnight Madness. But I think some of the kid's clothes might not fit. Oh well, they can grow into/out of them and pass them on I'm sure. I just have to figure out how to get Cory's present and how to send it to him.

Well, good night dear readers.