Thursday, April 17, 2008


That is what I've just had. An epiphany. A sudden realization for the first time of something extravagant. I was just reading a book by Gilbert Morris and a line struck a cord somewhere deep inside me. "Susanna Rocklin was a strong woman, but part of her strength was her compassionate heart."
For the past few years, I've been struggling with my own emotions and the way I present myself to others. My whole life, I've been pegged as the weak one, always hurt or sick or crying over one thing or the other. After realizing this, I began to build walls, and I built them high. If I closed myself off to people and turned of the weak emotions, I couldn't get hurt or show weakness. At least, that was my own foolish logic on the situation. Foolish, because it doesn't work. I still hurt and am only now being able to once again cry, knowing now that its not a weakness, but a gift. My heart has always been strongly drawn to helping people, especially those who themselves are hurting. If I can help others get through their pain, mine won't hurt as much. Right? No.
This might all sound a bit jumbled, but you have to realize that I'm just now, at this very moment, figuring this all out. Took long enough, eh? Back to the line from the book; strength and compassion. Those are two qualities numerous people have told me I possess. The first confused me, due to the false belief from my childhood, and the second has always been obvious to me. Now that I know that they can go hand in hand, I can use them better. My weakness, crying (rather, not crying), can be used as a strength in caring for others and letting them see that I am not made of stone. How's that for freedom?