Thursday, August 31, 2006

First Day At The Bean There Cafe

Well, I just got off my training shift and other than sore feet, it rocked! Seriously, I'm so happy that we went there last night. God totally knew my heart wasn't in to working at Coop, and provided an alternative. Working with Jazzy as my "boss" was so much fun. She taught me how to do everything and said it so I'd understand. I especially appreciated the hands-on time she gave me. After letting me answer the phone once or twice, I just automatically did it. Same with making drinks and running the till. It was also cool to do dishes with her; we got some good chatting time in. I really love how easy she is to talk to. It would've sucked if I didn't get along or didn't feel comfortable with the people I work with. It just makes for awkward times. She totally gave me the confidence to make different drinks all night. She was always encouraging, or if I screwed up, like spilling the tin of tea, she didn't yell, but helped me clean it up and reassure me that she'd done it before too. I didn't mess up any orders and I doubt if anyone knew it was my first day. Other than Morgan Todd, who I told. Man, Jon and Laura called like 9 times each! Jon's so easy to joke around with and he's really laid back which made working there less stressful. I'll get to work with him on Saturday so that he can retrain me. Jazzy says he does it to everyone, so it's not that I sucked or anything, just so he knows how they work out. I only burnt myself three times and Jazzy once (didn't hurt though). I made her a drink and she really liked it. I like the two that I made for myself as well. The biggest compliment she gave me was that I made foam as good as Jen Fry!!!! Yes that's right Robin, I'm as good as Jen Fry! Ok, for fear of getting a big head, I should shut-er down. I have to make the dreaded call to Coop to tell them I'm taking the job at Bean there. Its okay, they knew I was offered it and that I wouldn't be working with them for long since I'm leaving as soon as I've got the money and the paper work. That doesn't make me want to call them any more though. Oh well, I've gotta do it. Okay, gonna go do something cooler than this...most likely a movie. I live an exciting life!

Wednesday, August 30, 2006


So, God is pretty amazing. I prayed a lot last week, as did others, that I would find a job soon so I could start getting serious about going to Jerusalem. As you've read, I sent out 7 resume's yesterday. I went for the interview at Coop (just got home) and it sounds like a really good job. I didn't ask salary, mainly because I forgot, but because I'm not really comfortable asking about money. But they do have some sweet benefits and pension plan. I probably wouldn't be there long enough to get on the pension thingy, but benefits would start right away. I told him I would have to get back to him, since I'm checking out another offer today. He was okay with that. I seriously think that if I had said yes to being available, I would probably be working today! He mentioned getting a uniform today already. God is so cool. I was like "God, I need a job" and He was like "Okay, how bout two? And don't worry about waiting any longer. Just get out there, I will do the rest." I'm a little bit overwhelmed right now because this all happened so quickly. The weird thing is, I wasn't even going to apply at Coop. Now I've got some time to kill before going to the Bean. Got some chores to do and have to call B-blinda. I'll most likely post another one about how my java experience goes. Ohhhhhhh Jazzy Nickel!!!


So today I was reminded of how good God is. I've been hard core procrastinating about getting a job, but today I printed off my resumeaeaeaaaaa dealy and handed it out around town. In probably less than an hour, I'd already gotten an interview scheduled at the Co-op. I realized while filling out the application for Co-op, that I left out info on my resume such as computer skills and other things I've forgotten. Also, I didn't know the addresses for any of my references or previous places of employment. I'm bad at that. I could've had an interview on the spot, but Bob had to go pick up or deliver something. Then I continued on my merry way, depositing resume's to 4 other places, making a grand total of 7. Oooh I'm so pro at this. haha. After going back to Homestal's like 3 times, I found out they'd hired a part-time person two days ago. I was saddened, but moved on. In the mean time I had got some sweet cinnamon bun from Clare at the Door (thank you, it was goooood) and basically finished my resume route. After I was all done I hung out with my mom in her "office" and then went to Robin's. We discussed our days, danced a little and tried to find out who Brent likes. Terri made some delicious burgers, veggies and instant mash *drool* and I ate a second piece of carrot cake made by Robin. We then went to watch "John Tucker Must Die". It was hilarious!! Seriously, Robin and I were the loudest people in the theatre cuz we were laughing so much. Especially when we "awwww" 'd together. After a brief discussion/laugh with the other girls, we headed to the Bean. I got a job offer while deciding what I wanted to drink. Yup. God rocks. So tomorrow I have an interview at the Coop and a trial run at the Bean. I get to work with none other than sweety-pie Jazmyn Nickel!!! I'm so pumped. I'd like to thank all of you who prayed that I would find a job that I'll like. God truely works through prayer. I think workin at the Bean would be great to start with because it doesn't have the large crowds a grocery store would. Plus, all the cool people go there. And I'll get to work with Mitch, Stobbe and Diana...bit worried about that one. I also love the fact that I wouldn't have to wear a uniform! I hate those. Anyhow, I'm gonna go take a shower...or play a game, then shower. Yeah, that's it.

PS Senior Teen was deadly. There was some tough moments, but the good ones mostly out weighed them. I'm so happy that Eryn was my counselor. Many a good laugh with that girl. She makes it fun to be myself; even if I'm a big nerd. Trevor was a bit iffy in my books, but everyone else seemed to like him a lot, so that's cool. Jef and Dione were a great team. It wouldn't have been the same without them. Thanks for giving our cabin food even after we broke the counselor bed! And Brent was a big butt most of the time. He angered me on many occasions. But I got to see AJ and his wife eventually so that was good. And I got to see the beautiful Katie Senn, and all of Brucks family. Wow this is a really long post-script. In the words of Brenton Isaaks: End scene.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Am I

Am I talking just to hear my voice?
Am I acting just to show how hard I tried?
Am I crying just to show these eyes haven't dried?
Am I bleeding just to know I'm alive?
Am I worrying just to pass the time?
Am I waiting for the day to pass just to let go of one last breath?
Am I starving just to pass the beauty contest?
Am I living just to pass into the next?
Am I writing just for a cry of attention?

Am I?


You pass them in the hallways
but do they know you're there?
For thirteen years
you've lived out your lives

There was a time they noticed
but was it only fuel for gossip?
You learned your lesson
smile through the hard times

Being trained to constantly act drains
but is there time to be real?
Showing them the off-stage you
could gain approval, or be

Let your guard down and stop the madness
but are you ready?
To let all come into light
requires all involved to

These restraints have become a safety net
but are they only restraining you?
You've built up walls to protect
fortresses of lies and false happiness

You perform for them with expertise
but is that what they're asking?
You're afraid that what they see
is your ticket freedom from getting

Friday, August 18, 2006

I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty...

Well, I got excited and found some sweet templates on the web. I decided since my outer appearance has changed, my blog should as well. I've got a lot saved, so if I get bored again, don't be surprised if you don't recognize this spot.
In other news, I have to go for "further tests" on my thyroid. I was at the dr today and he said they found a small (pea/grape sized) nodule on my thyroid that concerned them. They want to do an ultrasound guided biopsy (refered to North Battleford) to determine whether or not this thing is cancerous. If it is, they'll remove it, if not, they'll leave it and monitor thyroid activities. If it is, no worries of it spreading, no one has ever died from thyroid cancer and the likelihood of someone my age having cancer is unlikely, or so he said. Its intersting how people can tell you "not to worry about it", but by saying that, it almost increases the worry tenfold after hearing the word cancer.
My current mood: confused & frightened

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Woot to All-Nighters!

Yup, that's right folks, it seems that I just can't sleep on Wednesday nights. This is my 2nd consecutive all-nighter since last Wed (obviously). Last week, I was just preoccupied looking at sweet tattoo designs, I could've gone to bed, but my interest was elsewhere. This week/today/yesterday/whatever though, I was in bed reading, getting relaxed and I realized how sickly messy my room was. So, I got up, got two garbage bags (one garbage, one clothes) and proceded to clean my room. Oh yeah, and I got some rubber gloves! And a bandana for over my mouth. I really don't want to get sick before Sr. Teen. I threw out like a b-jillion shopping bags and really old receipts. *and a lot of hair (barf)* After I could see my floor I got the broom and swept up a lot of sickly deteriorating floor crap. Hence the bandana for my mouth & nose. Oh yeah, I went and got a juice box, cuz I was feelin woozy. Haha woozy. So, the floor sicklyness was bountiful in volume and crumblies. I sound so smart without sleep.
Throughout this whole process I had, dare I say it?, been putting stuff away! Yay I do know how to organize! I love me, cuz even though you couldn't see the stuff through the piles of other stuff, I still knew where most everything was. And when I didn't know it was underneath stuff, I got cool surprizes! Like knee socks! Yeah! OOOH! then I vaccuumed and now my floors (plural for the random pieces of carpet) look perttyfull! Then I continued to put stuff away, shocking I know, and even made a sweet rock garden. Robin, come get your rock from BC already. haha. Then I bed...haha...and got a sweet bed set from upstairs (thanks Holly for leaving it at home) and put it on my bed...dur.
Now I'm upstairs....writing. I was gonna take a shower, but I forgot dad put laundry in already. Oh well, not like another day will kill me. But I do feel extra gross what with dust and other such residue on my epidermis. Awww I miss Mr. Snodgrass. Oh the grand times of Herme's Hormones. I'm such a fluke.
There is an insane amount of traffic for this time of the morning. Or maybe I'm just not used to mornings. Yeah, that's it. I wish we had a waffle maker. That would be grand. Oliver stinks. Hmm, so do I. "If ya can't beat them, join them" right? On that note, I'm gonna join fellow "gamers", take a shower and join people in select parts of Africa who are sleeping.
WOOT!(I just realized woot contains enough letters to do all variations of the word(s) two/to/too) High five for insanity!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Artful Lies

Imperfections covered up by gossamer strands
tightly woven intricacies
give the appearance of beauty
while true beauty is suffocated
by artful lies

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Back to Reality?

Well, well, well...I haven't done an "update" in awhile so here we go! Junior teen camp was amazingly fun, challenging, stretching and a learning experience to say the least. I had a good cabin, one girl made a first-time commitment (that sounds so...phony and buisnesslike). I had a great time with them during devo's, God really laid a bunch of stuff on my heart and definately gave me a group who were dealing with these things.
After that, I was supposed to be at kid's 3, but got sick on Sunday and wasn't needed due to extra staff. This was disappointing, but I really REALLY needed a week off to catch-up on life I guess. I was missing Robin a lot and got a great surprise when she came home from her friend's cabin early! That was great, I think I was starting to go a bit crazy. So we hung out a lot, of course. Next week she was off to Teddy Bear.
All was well because Nicole decided to come home from BC. So I spent Sunday-Wednesday with her. We scraped paint from one of their graneries, went swimming with Lana, went out to Aaron's auntie's cabin for an evening and saw Lacey at Bre's.
I got a call that Saturday saying there weren't enough kids for staff, so I, along with others, got the cut. I put it lightly. I'm over it now, I had a good week relaxing and hangin out with Robin. We went to Cold Lake on Monday with her mom and I had fun shopping with "Oliver-funds". Robin and I stopped in at Pizza Hut to see the Gace-atron. Chatted with her, got Lacey Nadon'd, learned about Pizza Hut policies and such. We went to the church on Tuesday, then to Rob's place so he could eat lunch, back to the church and then over to Movie Gallery to rent a movie. On the way we saw Andrew outside of Dub. We chatted a bit then continued on our way. We got "The Benchwarmers", headed back to the Dub to buy something to cool us off. Their interac wasn't working, but Andrew just got off work so we went and ran errands with him. It was awkward at first, just cuz I haven't seen him, or anyone that hasn't been at camp, for a really long time. But then things were fun and more relaxed. I saw Tim in a room at the post office and that was cool. Diana gave Robin and I dirty looks...weird. We hung out at Andrew's for a bit and then went home (Robins) and watched Benchwarmers. Oh is hilarious! I laughed so much. I love it! We ate, sat around, had a good talk, and watched it again with Terri. Wednesday we just hung out and such. I went home...and didn't go to sleep. Mom and I watched the lightning and rain around midnight or so. Then I went downstairs, watched tv, played on the comp,etc. Around 2:30 I was gettin hungry/thirsty so I went upstairs to make coffee and snacks (weird eh?). I heard a lot of yelling, some guys wanting to fight, and got scared. So I called 911 and then the cops came and took away the guy that was yelling at the one that had already gone home. I went downstairs (now full of adreneline) and looked at different and many tattoo designs for the rest of the night. I went and watched tv in Phil's old room, then upstairs. Rob called around 10:30 to set up an appointment. I showered and such and then went to talk to him. (By the way, it's Thursday now, still no sleep) We had a jolly good talk. Yup. Then he went to get his hair cut and I hung out at the church with Tiff and Aaron. I went on a magical trail ride provided by Aaron and many popsicle sticks. It was great fun. Then Tiff and I went to Robin's for banana boats/apple submarines with her and Bailey. So yummy and sticky. Aaron came and we went up to camp for Talent Nite. Being there was only 18 or so campers, it was short and...lacking? yes. But it was great to see Belinda and KENT! hehe Kent. Brent was Brent at me, so I walked away. Then Checho gave me my cheque (whoohoo) and Tim, Clare & the kids came up to talk to Checho. I played on the swings with Nick & Shan for a bit, then we had to leave. I went to Robin's and we had a good chat. Then I called up me mam and we all sat down and watched "The Wizard of OZ". Well, they did. I fell asleep. A lot. Finally. My mom took me home and I somehow made it to bed. I got up and went to continue my talk with Rob. Then he gave me a book (which I'm loving "Rumors of another world" by Philip Yancey) and I went to Robin's. We talked about the Rob talk, and her mom came home. We went to look at a house with Mik, beautiful but need A LOT of work! Then to the Dub for supper and chaffoo chaffoo. Then grocery shopping at the Coop and home again. We watched "A Series of Unfortunate Events", which is an awesome movie. I went home, to bed and was rudely and frightenly woken by Ms Terri Thomas. hehe. They wanted me to go to Mik's cabin with them. So I did.
We got all packed up, grocery shopping (again) and headed out to Greig. We toured the cabin and then went swimming, tubing and boat-riding. Even I went on the tube! It was so much fun! I couldn't see anything unless it was right beside me, could only feel the water beneath, beside and around me and kept screaming, laughing and holding on for dear life. Robin says I was real Joanna about it, but I'm okay with that. Then we did hot-tubbing and hot dog-eating. Later on we had a campfire and made smores. Robin and I turned in earlier than the old ladies and had to figure out how to safely sleep on the makeshift tri-bunk. It was adventerous and at times "precarious". We talked a bit, read a bit and slept a lot. I had mad crazy marriage, driving, gradutation-ing, and other such festivities. Then we got up and went for another boat ride, all around the lake this time. There were a lot of trees falling into the lake due to beavers and more rain. I thought of the passage in Revelations about the mountains shall crumble and fall into the depths. That was cool and I enjoyed the moment. We went back and had a HUMUNGOUS brunch. Huge waffles and eggs and bacon...okay that's only three things, but it was so filling! Robin and I power-napped after that, it was good. I read more too. I sat on the deck with Mik and Terri, then went and read more. Robin got up and read with me. We decided it was time to go so we started to pack up and whatnot. We left and went to our seperate homes (You were probably wondering if I had a home of my own eh?) and I started writing, went to the Dub with Pa and continued to write. And am still writing.
Ok so, now we're back to reality. I have another week off. I'm hoping to get an eye appointment to get new glasses so I can actually see what I'm doing and such. I have a dr's appointment regarding my thyroid ultrasound. Its upsetting because I got that like a month ago and hadn't gotten a call back til Friday and had already put it out of my mind. Now I'm all nervous and worried. Oh well. I'll probably write more about that after the fact.

Oh boy! Next week is SR TEEN! I'm so pumped!!! Its gonna be GOOD (in a Belinda/Breanna voice). Oh boy, Jeffery Dean and Memon (Dione) have a whole bunch of deadly plans and the counsellors are real cool and Joe and Shantelle are gonna be there as well. WOOO I'm excited. Can ya tell?
Okay well, off to more adventures I suppose.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Love Heals Your Heart - Third Day - Wherever You Are

Did you think you could escape without infection
You do all you’re able to resist
Just to avoid the danger of rejection

Memory warns you of the past
When it all went wrong

When you think your life is shattered
And there’s no way to be fixed again

Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You’re alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart

Everybody has a wall to climb
That was built to guard the pain that holds them captive
Every smile that they would hide behind
Will try to mask the hurt beneath the surface

Sometimes it’s hard to understand
How we’re trapped inside

I'm Bert!

You Are Bert
Extremely serious and a little eccentric, people find you loveable - even if you don't love them!

You are usually feeling: Logical - you rarely let your emotions rule you

You are famous for: Being smart, a total neat freak, and maybe just a little evil

How you life your life: With passion, even if your odd passions (like bottle caps and pigeons) are baffling to others
The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

Uh...i saw this on Brad & Jen Vidal's blog and was excited to see which Sesame Street character I am. I'm not sure how I feel about being Bert. He always got on my nerves as a kid...oh well.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Hidden Lives and Silent Cries

Hidden lives and silent cries
Hope snatched away by
Empty looks and open stares
Escape inside of me

Cover up the open wound
Come give in again
To feel alive while knowing
That numbness returns

Step into my hard embrace
See if maybe this time
You measure up to impossibility
Yearning for false beauty

Mend once more the broken heart
Making bandages from
Half-truths and shallow confidence
Hearing the silent cries in a hidden life

The Great Escape Artist

Escaping is what I do best. I've become so good that I'm never sure when I'm in hiding and when I'm safe. The hardest times are not knowing what I'm running from. Even worse is knowing the persuant and not being able to overcome it. I keep creating new ways to escape. New habits that get harder and harder to break. When I can't think of new ones, I return to my old friends, my beloved enemies. When I think I've conquored one, a new, more difficult one shows up. Preying on me constantly, waiting for me to give in, or move on to the next one. A person gets tired from running all the time, never knowing who to trust, never being able to trust yourself. When a bad escape appears I have two choices: give in and feel worse than when I started, or wait and see if I forget about the need to escape. If I've done this, I've moved on and am safer than before. If I haven't forgotten, I can yeild to the first choice, or continue the waiting game. In some cases, time is my friend. In others, it cruely reminds me of how easily I give in and how long I've been giving in for.
Escapes I can think of at the moment are:
  • not sleeping
  • over/under eating
  • obsessive weighing
  • cutting (becoming harder to deal with)
  • "that other thing"
  • distracting myself (from dealing with my problems)
  • poetry (the only good escape)
  • anger
  • getting out/running away
  • being moody
  • the temptation of alcohol; even if I don't drink, the thought/want is just as hard to deal with
  • internalizing emotions
  • putting myself down so its easier to deal with others' critizism. If I tell it myself, others just confirm the lies I think.
  • basic reclusiveness/hybernation

Well my brain is starting to shut down, being 4:30am...
So long, farewell, auch von de musica and so forth.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Confining Camp Crushes...

Yes, that's right, I have another stupid camp crush. I hate them. They're so not allowed! Especially mine. For fear of the person reading this, I refuse to name him, but I will write about him. I had the privillege of spending three weeks up at camp getting to know an amazing guy. He's funny, mature, smart, silly, strong in his faith, encouraging, makes time for me and makes me feel important and wanted. I feel like I could tell him anything and everything about me and it would be okay. That doesn't happen for me with hardly anyone. I think only two people know basically everything about me. Even that was hard, and they're my best friends, which should make things easier, but it was still difficult telling even them. Anyways, this crush is especially "not allowed" because of camp, and because of my own morals. I feel like a horrible person (no matter what other people say) because he has a girlfriend, and he barely pays attention to her. I felt so bad being around them both, and she knew something was going on, but I hope I hid it well enough to let her know I wouldn't ever take him from her. I don't ever want to be "the other woman" or the boyfriend stealer. I have enough problems without this added on. Its so confusing because, all the time he's making me feel special, I'm making myself feel guilty and undeserving. Oh, and I'm also "unethical". I know I said I wouldn't care if Rob shut down what I said, but I do/did. I don't know how to handle this situation. I want to be both of their friends and make things work between them, but at the same time, wish he were "available". Don't worry Rob, its not your fault, I knew I would come out of that session beating myself up. This is why I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to write about this, I had it figured out so that I would only write a poem (You) and then move on. But I can't move on. I can never move on, because I'm Joanna and I cling on to things like this for months. Or I just don't deal with them and they come back and kick my butt all over the place. I hate talking about him with other people, because no matter how nice they say things, my crazy mind turns them into more ammo to beat itself up with. The worst kind of abuse is that which you inflict upon yourself. AAAAAAAH! I need to find a healthier way of letting my emotions out. Ways that aren't triggering of self-harm. Ways that aren't my usual esape artist ways. Oh blast, eh? I'm out of ideas. Ideas for venting and ideas for dealing. ok bye.