Sunday, April 30, 2006

Stained Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong
So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage
The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagined me to be
Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay


But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade
Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

This song has been really real to me lately. Just thought I'd post it out here in the big wide web.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I Just Don't Know Anymore

Man, lately (this week) I've just been getting so confused and bombarded with the whole Braden situation. I was so pumped for him to come home in the next few days, only to find out it won't be for another two weeks or so. I emailed him asking him to be my grad escort last Wednesday and have been basically holding my breath for a reply. I overheard Robin and the guys talking about him and it really made me miss him. I wasn't upset that they were talking about him, just the way they were doing it. I don't care if people talk about him when I'm around, just don't be jerks about it.
My emotions are so screwed up right now. I don't even know what to feel any more. I don't know whether to be angry about my dad, be sad about missing Braden, be happy about my confidence, or to choose to feel nothing at all. I'm so sick of putting on a smile as soon as I walk into school. Yet, I don't want to be questioned 10 million times as to my "down" mood.
Youth group was kind of awkward tonight. We talked about what we learned from Lent/Easter, and everyone said how they grew or struggled with it. I think the only thing I got from this past season was disappointment, hurt and anger. Disappointment in me for breaking and giving up Lent, and for my dad hitting me again. Anger and hurt at my dad for what he did. And anger at God for making me go through all this crap again. It sounds so selfish to actually say that its God's fault when its not. I don't even care who's fault it is anymore. It happened and I have to learn to deal with it and move on. My dad is never gonna change. Not for me, not for my mom. Get over it already, right?
I just don't know anymore, I just want to go away from all of this. To come home or wake up one day and find that it never happened. That it was all a bad nightmare. How do you deal with living in fear everyday, knowing that no matter how hard you pinch yourself, you're not going to wake up from this?
What's the point of it all? All the pain and hurting? Just so I can "make a difference"? Who cares? No one's gonna remember when we're all dead! Why do we put ourselves through these brainwashed social images? Nothing matters other than where you stand with God. Right now I'm not even sure about that.

Well, Robin told me to blog more, so here it is.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Why Now?

Why Now?
You want to know every detail of my life.
Why Now?
Why not when I was a child?
Why Now?
You expect me to be comfortable talking to you
When we haven't "talked" for the past 18 years.
Why Now?
Why should I trust you now, when you've never given me reason to?
Why Now?
Do you think you can take the pain away with words?
Why Now?
I needed you to be a father.
You failed.
Why Now?
These are some of the most important times in my life.
Your interest in them came too late.
Why Now?
You didn't make time for my most important performances
Why should I expect you to be there for the future?
Why Now?
Now that all hope is lost, you ask to be a part of my life.
Why Now?
You expect me to forgive you as easily as I would decide what to eat.
Why Now?
Its now because its always been never.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Wasting My Breath

Why do I even bother talking to you anymore?
This breath was meant to teach, is snatched away and is gone forever.
You know nothing of raising children, why try raising an animal?
Don't bite, don't mess on the floor!
If you think his bite is bad, beware my temper and the messes I can make.
You deserve all the respect you show me. None.
I shouldn't have had to raise myself and be left searching for a father figure.
You were there! You should have been the father I needed.
Its too late now, the chance and hope has died long ago.
The chance for you to step in when I really needed you.
The hope for you to change and become the man I dreamed would walk me down the aisle.
If you won't even change for your own mother, why should I keep hoping you'll change for me?
We go about our days, mumbling incoherant greetings to one another;
Giving information only when neccessary, and to the extreme minimum neccessity at that.
Why don't we just go on with our own lives?
Its getting easier to ignore you when you're here.
When you're gone, there is peace, times I look forward to.
Things would be so much easier to find out there's another woman or another family.
It would make so much sense;
Your attention and affection would be towards them and explain the cold shoulder we recieve.
But there isn't another family, you just don't know how to love.
I keep trying to forgive and move on.
You wouldn't believe how many times a day I choose to forgive you.
Each time I forgive and see hope for change,
You do or say something to open my eyes once again to your ignorance.
Once again I release the hate and disappointment.
I release you, you will no longer be a burden and cause of worry to my life.

Until next time.