Saturday, May 27, 2006

So Many Movies

Wow, I've watched so many movies lately. I don't even remember them all, they start melding into one. I do remember the ones I watched today (yesterday now!) though so I thought I'd blog about them. First I watched "The Motorcycle Diaries" and thought of Rob, cuz I know he likes that movie. It was actually quite good, once I got used to the subtitles and some language issues. Its interesting trying to bleep out words as you read them. But yeah, the movie was good, it showed an interesting side to a person American culture has labeled as rebellious or against what we should aspire to. Ernesto (Che) really had a heart for the people, his people, who were kicked out of their own lands and had become as the movie put it, homeless in their own land. One of my favorite parts in the movie was when they got to the leper colony and Che and Alberto chose not to wear the gloves. What touched me most was he wasn't afraid to touch the lepers. He said, even though leprosy isn't contagious it (gloves) is just symbolic. He broke past the societal walls that others had put up and was just himself. So Rob, it was a great movie, probably not one that we could watch at youth group, but good nonetheless. I'd say 4 stars out of 5.
Then I watched The Brothers Grimm. I really wanted to watch it when it came out, but never did. I had heard from some people that it didn't live up to their expectations, but I thought it was alright. I think that Matt Damon was a bit of an awkward choice for this type of movie, but other than that it was good. I loved how obvious all the fairy tales were. It was easy to relate the things in the movie to the stories I've heard all my life. And to see a new spin on some of them, and watch a whole new one. I'll give this 3/5 stars.

Then...yes I know, I need a life...I watched Raise Your Voice. Don't shoot me yet. There are few movies that can have me crying within the first 15minutes, and this one did it. I don't know if I was over tired or what was going on, but when the car crash happened, I lost it. I had just been watching Joan of Arcadia and Jason Ritter was in both of these. It was weird to see him in a wheelchair one minute, walking and then in a car crash the next. I know, its only tv/movies, but I'm a little weird that way. So anyways, after I got over myself and settled in to the movie, it was pretty good, even for Hilary Duff. I, of course, noticed right away Terry and Simon's relationship. I was thinking, 'Finally, they get a father-daughter relationship that I can relate to'. Also, Paul (Jason Ritter) reminded me a little of Phil. So then, near the end of the movie when Simon freaks out and tells Terry that she has to come home 'right now', I couldn't believe it when she told him flat out that they were all afraid of him. Oh to have a script like that written for me. I was a little disappointed when they made up and everything was peachy keen, but of course in Hollywood every one lives happily ever after. Don't get me wrong, people should make up and be happy, but I was kind of wallowing in and enjoying the fact that it wasn't the perfect "tv family". But then again, what kind of teeny-bopper-sappy-romantic-motivational movie would it be without a happy ending right? This one gets a 3.9/5 stars...just cuz.
So thats what I did today. Well that and drank A LOT of tea. If my voice hasn't improved, my ability to pee fast has. Sorry you had to hear that Robin. Oh yeah, and I sound just as bad if not worse than I did yesterday. Lets just hope I get better by Sunday. I should probably get some rest...I'm so tired of sleeping its all I do lately, that and watch movies of course. So see ya tomorrow at practice. Yay! Hmm...I should work on my lines hey?

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Open Letter

Dear dad,
Why did you have to come home? I was doing so good until you walked in the door. Now its back to all this crap. Why couldn't I just have peace and hapiness a bit longer? Its not like we interact anyways. Yet your very presence is enough to break me, intimidate me, sedate me. I had begun to open up, and just as quick as you pulling in the driveway, I was shut up again. Why do you build up all this pressure over time? Why not just get it over with. Hit me again. I'm sure I can take it. I have before. You know you want to knock some "sense" into me. Just get it over with already. Mess up again. Maybe this time you'll win. Who would've thought that you would be able to raise 6 kids. Why did you do it? So you'd have something other than the table or wall to punch? Its not like you built a relationship with any of us. You're just a name, a title, not a father. Never a father, never will be. Why couldn't I see that before? Why does it take us so long to see what's been right in front of us our whole lives? I don't understand why you try so hard to gather information from me, yet don't care about the important things in my life. I don't want to be your source of gossip. I wanted to be your daughter. These past few years have shown me that wanting, that need will never be fulfilled. Rob is more of a father figure to me than you will ever be! My own brothers are more of father figures than you have ever been. I shouldn't have had to been brought up by other men. You were there, why couldn't you do your job?! Because you were too busy with other people's lives and buisness. Because you'd rather listen to your answering machine or the nightly news than listen to my heart. What causes me to anguish over you? Its like even though I know the truth about you, I prefer to lie to myself, thinking you'll change. Thinking that next time will be different. Or maybe there won't be a next time. So instead of being able to talk to you, I spill my thoughts and feelings out to a screen. I trust a screen, that could go off at any minor power failure, more than I trust you. For when have you ever shown me that I could trust you? When have you ever given me reason to believe in you? To believe in me? So just get it over with. Give me one more reason to leave.
Your "daughter",


Wednesday, May 17, 2006

So Much For Love

He came as a child
Helpless just like us
So much for love

He went against the norm
Defying laws of physics and probability
So much for love

He loved the unloveable
Taking away their shame
So much for love

He gave his time for others
Leaving no one unheard
So much for love

He laid down his life
Doing God's will and not his own
So much for love

He paid the highest price
Clearing our debt and redeeming us
So much for love

He sacrificed it all
So that we could have everything
So much for love

He gave us so much
So much time, so much forgiveness
So much, for love.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Proverbs 31 Woman

She chooses wool and cotton
and sets the knitting needles to work.

She awakes in the night
and prays for her family and coworkers.

She sees potential in the dirt
and a garden grows from her insight.

She opens her arms to the poor
and her hands and heart to the needy.

She does not fear the snow;
she has clothed her family in warmth.

She has quilted a blanket for each bed
and their warmth is always appreciated.

She is clothed in fine fabric
and is admired by all for her youthfulness.

She makes clothing and toys
and sells them at the market for a fair price.

She provides others with her wares
and the world applauds her creativity.

She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and can laugh at the days to come.

She speaks in kindness and wisdom
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She conducts her household with efficiency
and is not caught in idleness.

Let her children stand and bless her
and acknowledge her good works.

"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
These are the words we praise her with.

Although outer beauty may fade,
the radiant light will shine forever.

This is a woman we should praise
for she fears and trusts the Lord in everything.

No earthly trinket can express
how much you mean to me.

I can only attempt to tell you
what an inspiration you have been.

To me and the world
you fulfill the woman of noble character.

So here’s to you, my true Proverbs 31 woman;
My mom.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Two Can Play

You're surprised at my grace and form
You marvel at my cunning agility
Did you think I would fail

You ask me where I learned my skill
You wonder who could be this great
Do you really not know
It is you.

Two can play at this game
You're not the only one who knows
I learned at your side
Over so many years.

You made me who I am
You are who I'm not
I will never be you
You will never be me.

You're everything I never want to be
I see your flaws and watch you fall
As I see these things in me
I stop.

I will not be you
I will beat the game
You try so hard
And fail.

It is true
Two can play this game
But only one will win

I learn from your mistakes
They are like ripples
Did you honestly think
You were the only player?

You think yourself a champion
You don't see what I see
What everyone else sees
You are blinded.

With every round
You are blinded even more
Blinded by denial
And truth.

You might think you're winning
But really you're only hurting yourself
Making me stronger
And wiser.

It may seem that you've already won
You see your opponent
Broken and wounded
Barely breathing.

The field is tense
A hush falls over the crowd
As the two face off
The end is near.

Only one can win
This is universally accepted
What will I choose
Fight or flight?

To flee would mean you've won
And this will never be
To fight could mean

A white flag is dropped
I have surrendered
Not to you, never
To Him.

Two are still in play
In my place is the One
For you see, its over
He's already won.

It doesn't matter anymore
All your best tricks fall short
He's seen them all
And won't be fooled.

Although you've taught me well
There is one greater than even you
He taught me through love
Not hate.

You and I could never win
No matter how long we fought
There is no other way
But surrender.

The ball is now in your court
I will no longer participate
You make the next move
You decide.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Crazy Times

There is so much stuff going on in my life right now that its beginning to be too much. I don't even know where to begin, theres so many things. I guess I'll start with the obvious. I've been really depressed and anxious lately. Not sure why I'm depressed when the weather's been so awesome, but I am. So many times this week/past month, I've been ready to quit. Quit everything. And this is the point where Rob gets "concerned". Don't worry Rob, we've talked about this, I'm not going to quit life, as much as I'd like to, I'm not going to.
So anxiety...Yeah, its begome like my freakin shadow. Yet it doesn't go away when the sun isn't out, rather gets worse. I'm anxious about: school, Braden, camp, future.
I just want to graduate already. Why do they even have these last two months? They're the worst! I have so many little tests and big assignments due or to do next week and its stressing me out. I want to get them done because people are counting on me, but I just don't feel like doing them.
I still haven't gotten an answer from Braden about grad. I've resigned myself to having to face him in person. I reall would rather knowing now than either getting my heart broken or being all awkward. But I guess I'll just have to suck it up and have patience.
I got my weeks for working at camp today. I'm not completely happy with them. I really don't want to be at home at all this summer and was looking forward to being at camp. I guess I'll only be working out there for 4 weeks. What makes me even more frustrated was getting a JC week. Its hard to accept when someone who CIT'd last year got the whole summer and will be a senior counsellor the week I"m a JC. I really want to be at camp this summer, and I also need the money. I know that camp won't get me enough money for a plane ticket to Jerusalem or anywhere close, but it will help. And I don't want to rely on support letters either. I always feel awkward about asking people for money. Or for anything really.
Of course I don't, I have to be in control just like my "father".
If I don't get enough money to go to Jerusalem in the fall, I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess there's always the option of living with Ryan and Kathleen. I'm sure I'd get paid more there than I would here. Then again, I'd need money for transport there. Argh! Money is the root of all stress. Well maybe not all...but I can blame most of it on money right?
As much as I want to be around for my friends, I do not want to be at home any longer than necissary. Who knows, maybe Dione and I will share a plane to Toronto sometime. That would rock! I can't wait for her to come home!
Anyways, I'm in a lot of pain so I think I might head to bed.
Only two more weeks til my surgery...yay more anxiety. Can't wait til it finally decides to attack me, I don't like this odd feeling. Let's just get it over with already.
K, well other places are calling my name...or something.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Post-Million Dollar Baby

So, last night we watched Million Dollar Baby at youth group. It was an awesome movie and made me think of a lot of things. First, why can't we watch a movie at youth group without people leaving, coming late and talking? Its really annoying. Don't do it. Its ok to laugh at the funny parts, but I for one can't stand buzzing whispering in the background.
Anyways...It made me really think of Frankie and Maggie's relationship and my dad and mine's. At first Frankie didn't want anything to do with her, then after finding out how determined she was to be a boxer, their relationship grew. He cared for her even when he didn't want to train a girl. Even when he tried to get rid of her, he was drawn back to her. He stuck with her when it mattered the most, he was strong for her, he gave her a new name,he protected her. I don't know if I would be able to do what he did for her. There was such a deep father-daughter bond between them even though they weren't blood.
What made me think of my dad was at the end when we find out that Morgan Freeman has been narrarating a letter to Frankie's daughter. He said, "I thought you'd like to know what kind of man your father really was." I think it was at that point that I really broke down. After I leave home, will I recieve a letter telling me what my dad was really like? Is it even sane to hope he will change after I'm gone? Frankie's daughter never forgave him for something he did to her, and had to find out in a letter what a good man he was and how hard he tried to be forgiven for what he did. Their situation is different from mine in a sense. I've seen what my dad can do. But I've never seen him change, not for the better anyways. I think it would make me angrier to find out he changed after I've left home. Why couldn't he be the father I needed when I'm still here? Just too little too late.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

A Quick Song

Merry Christmas
Happy Easter
I don't know what these mean anymore

So I'll have a happy Turkey day
And give a salute to Victoria
Cuz that's what Happy Holidays means to me.

Just thought this up; I even have a tune for it! Yay!

No Title Yet

You ask me if that's my real smile
And laugh when I say it is
How would you know anything real about me?

You say you weren't welcome at the meeting
And get angry because of your own ignorance
How did you think I would react?

You say what you did was wrong
And beg me to forgive you
How many more times will we have this conversation?

You get angry when I don't tell you anything
And refuse to listen when I say what you don't want to hear
How do I make you listen?

You have masks you put on for certain people
And masks that you take off when they're gone
How will I ever know the real you?

You don't know anything real
And I don't know how to act
How long must we keep this charade going?

We don't know how to talk
And we don't know how to listen
How will we ever get through?

So we keep changing masks
And playing different parts
Until the Playwrite shows us

the end.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Trying to figure out pictures

Free Image Hosting at
Hey, I'm just posting this to see if I can post pictures this way.

Plane Tickets and Patience

So, its nearly a year since I felt God's calling on me to go to Jerusalem. (I almost put Africa cuz I'm listening to the Power of One soundtrack!) In a year I've been pumped to go, given up the idea of going, didn't know what was going on, and have come back to wanting to go. Its more than wanting to go; I really feel that things are going to work out to get me to Jerusalem in the fall. After wondering whether I should go or wait until after I get married and whatnot, I've decided that I can't wait. It's going to be so crazy to leave all my friends here. I knew that lots of my friends would be going off to college and whatever, but leaving the friends that aren't (that's right Robin, I'm talking about you), is gonna be really hard. I looked up the prices of a one-way plane ticket from Stoon to Tel Aviv in Sept. and got some stuff put in to perspective. The cheapest flight was $1867. Who knows how much it will change during the summer months? I guess I'm gonna have to start saving my pennies!
Not even as crazy as Jerusalem is, I'm graduating in two months! Two! I'm glad that I got ahold of Chris before she moved and really wasn't able to do my dress. I feel kind of bad for all the work that she has to do in such a short time. I really didn't expect there to be that much change in my dress. Oh well, she's got my mom's help which will save her a lot of time. I think I'm going to be really happy with the end result. Now that I've lost weight, and the dress has lost weight (48" from the skirts!) I'll be able to fit into it better without a whole bunch of bulk. Even though my shoes are nothing like what I was looking for, they match perfectly with the dress, and the price of $10 was a plus. I'm hoping they don't pull me from any classes for missing today. Even if they did I still have an extra credit, but I need all the credits I can get. Man, two months til camp! Chester better get the weeks figured out soon. It must be really hard to decide where everyone goes, especially when so many people apply. I don't think I could handle it. That's why God chose Chester to be director; he gets the job done and listens to God, not the pressure from all us kids. Man, I can't wait to get the pictures from last summer, now that they're actually found! Sheesh.
Well I really can't think of much else to talk about. Just pray that God gives me the patience to get through these next two months, finish school, and the readiness to go to Jerusalem. Hmm...maybe that will be my prayer request for prayer meeting tomorrow.