I've had some thoughts rattling around my head all evening and finally picked up my laptop to type them out. I've been having some very strong emotions and thoughts the past few weeks. Mainly they have to do with being an adult and being overwhelmed a bit. Like, who signed me up for this? I was not prepared! I didn't get a chance to study; were there notes, a review? *Internal screaming with a smile on my face*. I don't know what order my thoughts are going to come out, so please bear with me...or just stop reading. Growing up, I definitely had an idea or plan for the way I thought my life would go. It seemed like everyone I knew followed the same or a similar formula. Childhood, college/university, dating, marriage, house, job, kids, etc. Pretty neat and tidy, right? Well, I must've missed a turn or something, because that is not how its gone at all. Sorry little girl Joanna. I'm still single (ready/terrified to mingle?), bought my own house, got a dog (Charlie!), am still undecided if I even want kids (that's probably a whole other journal entry), and am somehow taking care of myself. Barely some days. I'm also fighting depression, anxiety and PTSD on the daily. Drinking enough water is a struggle, let alone making it out of bed or to a social function on a dark day. One thing that helps me through when I feel overwhelmed by "adulting" is reminding myself, the bills are paid, Charlie and I are fed each day, I have a good job, friends and family who are just a text or call away, and a very good roof over my head. But like honestly, some days the effort to shower, brush my teeth, or even eat is a monumental task. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely know how hashtag blessed I am. My life is pretty amazing, even from where I was mentally/emotionally just a year ago. Shout out to therapy! For reals, if you are struggling, get help! Talk to a professional; friends are wonderful, but are not always equipped to help to the extent we may need. And yes, I know the health care system is tough to navigate, but advocate and fight for your rights to care. I'll fight with you!
One of the big thoughts that entered my mind was "living for the weekend". Pretty rough considering it's only Tuesday! My first reaction was, "Oh, you're not enjoying the moments you have", but then a quieter thought said, "At least you have something to look forward to!" Which is huge if you struggle with depression. My mood and mental state has been the best its been in a long time...long time here means consecutive months, but that's something, right? So no, I'm not depressed at the present moment. I think my brain was finally quiet enough to have internal banter with itself, and here we are. If you're still with me, congratulations, because my brain has been firing "squirrels" at me the whole time I've been trying to get coherent thoughts out. If you haven't seen UP and don't understand that reference, please watch it. But you're allowed to skip the opening sequence because that is just emotional terrorism (thanks Pixar). Annnnnd back to the main thought. Living for the weekend. Is it a lazy thought? A bare minimum effort during the week thought? A meaningless goal? Is the weekend even really that big of a deal? Its not like I really sleep in anymore, I have to get up to let Charlie outside and feed him. I don't often make big exciting plans, or have many items on my to do list. What I look forward to is comfy clothes, minimal bra wearing, time with Charlie, and now time spent in my yard and garden when the weather allows. I don't see any of that as being lazy. Sometimes I even cook for the week and clean up right after! Yes, there are some weekdays that I "just get through the day", I'm human. But during those days I'm pushing myself to keep going, keep working on the task at hand, keep moving, whatever it takes. I don't see it as a meaningless goal either. If my goal is getting excited or looking forward to the next 5 days, 5 months or 5 minutes, that's a valid goal. Sometimes the calm of the weekend amidst the chaos of the week is a big deal. Even if all I do is laundry or some housekeeping tasks. Any way, I don't really know if I got all the thoughts out, but it is my bedtime and I still have to convince Charlie to come inside. I hope this is encouraging, relate-able, or just not a complete waste of your time to read. Welcome to my brain, friends.