My Current Belief

So I had a really great talk with Rob today. It started out with the Braden situation and just kept getting more and more interesting. I was pretty nervous, for reasons unknown/unsure to me, and we got to talk about that too. But thats not really what this blog is about. Quite a ways into the conversation, we talked about losses and grief and how I deal, rather don't deal, with them. We talked about the different kinds of loss; it was cool the way Rob got me to list them, as if I had to teach a class on them. For me, I don't really accept any kind of loss as valid other than death. This has made a lot of things difficult for me, because I refuse to deal with any other kinds of loss, such as loss of friendship, hope, love, etc. I don't let myself grieve for these kinds because to me, the world says that they're not worth crying over, to be tough and stay happy. (That's a whole other thing, not going to get into that right now.)
What I came up with in the end or near to the end was this: I can't grieve for any losses because I don't feel I'm worth losing or being grieved over. Ok, I'll try and explain this in seperate parts. I don't feel I'm worth losing means that it doesn't matter when I get rejected by a guy or whatever because I obviously wasn't worth enough to them. Not sure if that makes sense or not. Not worth being grieved over means basically what it says. I don't think I'm good enough for other's or even my own pity. Pity has never gotten me anywhere except maybe a few pounds heavier. I hate having people feel sorry for me or anything like that. I feel like I'm just bringing them down and can't stand that. Because I don't feel worthy, rather feel worthless, I don't let myself grieve over any other losses, even when I know I should. I guess its not so much that I can't, its that I don't.
What I have to do now is start dealing with all of the losses in my life one by one, not get overwhelmed with them, keep things in perspective, let myself cry over things, and know when its time to call for help. Thing is, I don't even know which one to start with. I could start with Braden, but what good will that do if I can't even love myself enough to deal with someone else not loving me? And I honestly don't know if I'm ready to deal with my self-esteem issues at this present moment. I don't know where to start. I guess I could just start with listing all the stuff, but am afraid that that list will overwhelm me even more. I really just want to get over Braden and be able to be around him for 5 weeks of the summer comfortably. Maybe comfortability is too much to ask right now, lets go with lessened awkwardness. No matter how far I work through it, things will still be a bit weird between us, but I truely hope that we will regain some piece of our friendship that we had last summer.
I should probably work on my nerves and "defense mechanism" that I've put into use everyday for far longer than I can remember. I don't know why I'm so afraid of opening up to people and letting them see the real me. I guess its because I don't even like me. So why expect anyone else to right? AHHHHH!This is all so frustrating, but I needed to get all this out so bad. I needed the cycle to be broken, or my whole self would have broken under the weight of it all. Too bad we don't have another school break, I could just hole up somewhere and have a little or big breakdown, pick myself up, pick up the pieces and get on with life. That's what I need, a retreat, get away from everything and just be with me, God and these looming troubles. I haven't been out of town since March, and that was only for ortho. I've been to Cold Lake two other times, but other than that I haven't been out since all those trips to Calgary in Sept. which weren't very stress-free, but the exact opposite. I think the last retreat I was on was the youth/elder retreat last year. Man I wish I had a cabin I could go to or somewhere I could be alone, be safe, and be able to get help if need be. Does such a utopia exist? If only in my dreams, that is should I be able to sleep through the night peacefully. Which I should try and get to right about now.
I'm not even sure what I've all written but it did help a bit. Kind of. I still don't know where I'm going to start. I guess this is a start though. Talking about it, facing it outloud, and writing it out has helped. If only I weren't so scared of all the work ahead of me I could get through it quickly, although not painlessly. I think thats what scares me the most, I know I'm going to be in pain dealing with all these things, and almost want to keep denying them. But know I can't. Rob & Robin I'd really appreciate if you two would keep me accountable on all this. You can obviously understand what I'm trying to say better than anyone else reading this and apparently (:-P) can see through my "masks". So here's to bringing up all the things I've been running from, denying myself tears over, and trying to forget or replace with false happiness. Cheers!