Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I Just Don't Know Anymore

Man, lately (this week) I've just been getting so confused and bombarded with the whole Braden situation. I was so pumped for him to come home in the next few days, only to find out it won't be for another two weeks or so. I emailed him asking him to be my grad escort last Wednesday and have been basically holding my breath for a reply. I overheard Robin and the guys talking about him and it really made me miss him. I wasn't upset that they were talking about him, just the way they were doing it. I don't care if people talk about him when I'm around, just don't be jerks about it.
My emotions are so screwed up right now. I don't even know what to feel any more. I don't know whether to be angry about my dad, be sad about missing Braden, be happy about my confidence, or to choose to feel nothing at all. I'm so sick of putting on a smile as soon as I walk into school. Yet, I don't want to be questioned 10 million times as to my "down" mood.
Youth group was kind of awkward tonight. We talked about what we learned from Lent/Easter, and everyone said how they grew or struggled with it. I think the only thing I got from this past season was disappointment, hurt and anger. Disappointment in me for breaking and giving up Lent, and for my dad hitting me again. Anger and hurt at my dad for what he did. And anger at God for making me go through all this crap again. It sounds so selfish to actually say that its God's fault when its not. I don't even care who's fault it is anymore. It happened and I have to learn to deal with it and move on. My dad is never gonna change. Not for me, not for my mom. Get over it already, right?
I just don't know anymore, I just want to go away from all of this. To come home or wake up one day and find that it never happened. That it was all a bad nightmare. How do you deal with living in fear everyday, knowing that no matter how hard you pinch yourself, you're not going to wake up from this?
What's the point of it all? All the pain and hurting? Just so I can "make a difference"? Who cares? No one's gonna remember when we're all dead! Why do we put ourselves through these brainwashed social images? Nothing matters other than where you stand with God. Right now I'm not even sure about that.

Well, Robin told me to blog more, so here it is.

1 comment:

Randi said...

Ok so I'm so sorry if our talking about Braden upset you. I honestly didnt mean for it to and we werent trying to be mean to him. But for the record you didnt hear the entire conversation. Although we did poke fun at Braden just as we would with anyone else. We said a lot of good things about him and what a great guy he is.