Ok, I know I really shouldn't make a big deal about this, but its starting to bug me. Turkey day is one of the few holidays that hasn't died/sucked for me thus far. Will there be turkey for me? No. We get ham. Yay. I know I should be grateful that I actually have the privilege of choosing between ham or turkey and that I even get anything at all to eat. It just sucks because I was really looking forward to turkey, potatoes and gravy, stuffing and some delicious pumpkin pie. I guess it wouldn't really make sense for my mom to buy a turkey for three people. We'd have left-overs for weeks (although we always do anyways). Gahhhhhhh. I just want to go back to my childhood where everything was normal and special and turkey-filled. haha.

In other news, if you haven't already heard, I quit at Bean There. There was way too much shifty buisness and stress for me. It was a really good job and I had fun while it lasted, but I'm glad and at peace that its over. I'll be starting at Tiny Treasures day care at the Hope Center. I'm so excited! I spent a couple hours there on Monday with the babies and my heart was captured. They're so cute! and quite easy to handle. Maybe they were having a good day, but I'm sure there'll be good and bad days in the future. I love the fact that I'll be the fourth Metz to work at the Door. I get to see mom and Tim & Clare everyday, plus Nicky and Shanna are in the daycare, so of course, I'll see them a lot. I can't believe how homesick I got working at Bean There. I hardly ever saw any family except on weekends and the half hour or so it took for mom or dad to pick me up.

What am I gonna do when I leave? I still lived in the same house as them, just never saw them. I'm gonna be across a huge ocean and couple continents! I know that this is where God wants me to be, but can't help wondering if I'm going at the right time. I sometimes doubt my motives when I've had a fight with dad and say that I can't wait to leave. Am I usuing Jerusalem as another escape? Most likely, but it was also a calling before it was an escape.

Ok, what the crap is going on with me lately? I can never seem to get filled up! Its beginning to worry me a bit. I'm always hungry and am not eating really bad junk food when I get hungry. This is good, but then why isn't the moderately healthy stuff filling me? And I don't think its the flu, because its staying down and in normally. I seriously don't want to deal with thoughts of anorexia again, but all this eating is making me gain weight which in turn is making me hate myself. I almost cried today when Gayce called me "absolutely beautiful". She told me to start believing it, but I'm glad that she also understands how hard that can be. I just wish that I wasn't so freakin messed up all the time. If its not one thing, its ten other different things. Honestly, I'd like to be able to look back on my life and say, "I was really healthy at this point." Mom says the hungriness is probably from inactivity, but really, I've only been "inactive" for two days now. And this has been going on way longer. Effin hormones suck. Its annoying, I'll eat, feel satisfied, stop, and half an hour later need to eat again. And I was doing so well with my weightloss. Maybe when I'm running after small children all day I'll get back to normal.

Anyways, enough complaining. I am thankful for creative expression, family, friends, and freedom.