Again I Go Unnoticed

Is there like a big mute button on my forehead or what? I talk, but it seems like no one hears the important stuff, the stuff that I leave unspoken, the stuff I really need to say. Its getting so frustrating and overwhelming. I should just become a nun and take a vow of silence. Its getting harder to be funny all the time, its draining what little strength I have. Could I just sleep through the night once, without fatal nightmares? Or is that too an impossible goal? My mind is becoming so full of doubts and lies from Satan, and its getting easier and easier to believe them. I love the fact that the two new meds I'm on have severe depression as a side-effect. Good thing I don't have enough of that already eh? One small victory is that I didn't pass out after my vaccinations yesterday. It could have been due to the fact I was already on the floor to begin with, but I like to think that I'm growing out of my "faint whore" stage. Three vacc's in one day wasn't a smart idea I'm thinkin. Not when I had to lift 20lb kids up and down and all around. Oh well, it was still $130 well spent, since they'll last me anywhere from 3-10 or so years. Maybe I'll just postpone Jerusalem and let my life slow down and become normal for once. It doesn't look like I'll be leaving anytime soon anyways. I have to find out what's going down with my thyroid and ovarian situations first off. I don't even care if this post sounds like a cry for help. Maybe that's what I need. I don't even know. I just want to sleep and not wake up for the rest of the year. I don't want to have another "Holly Jolly" Christmas. If I didn't hate winter so much I would go searching for Rudolph and Herbie and be misfits with them. Too bad they don't exist. I hate walking to work in the dark. It screws my mood up all day. I don't remember the winter having this much effect on me in years past, but boy its hittin hard this time. I just want to get the freakin tattoo so I can put my pain and seperation behind me. I'd rather feel physical pain than any more of this psycho-emotional crap.

Its nice to know I'm needed, even if it's by an infant who one minute is falling asleep on my chest and the next beating me up.