It's The Inside That Counts

Have you ever been told you look nice on the inside, but not because of your personality? I have, by Dr Jake, today during yet another ultrasound on my ovaries. So, if I look so nice on the inside, why all the pain and bleeding? And I'm not talking figuratively. I'm glad that I'm "normal and healthy", but I can't stand the unexplained. If there were something concrete, like a tumor or a cyst or whatever, to blame all this on, I might be able breathe a little easier. I'm not saying I would want to go through the horrors of cancer or anything, but give me something to work with! If all this boils down to is "depression", I might punch someone. I don't understand how something that attacks the spirit can have such an immense effect on the body.

Anyways, thats getting me nowhere but frustrated.

So, Youth tonight. Where do I begin? The first few words out of Nicole's mouth were a cut down. Great way to start the night after I'd missed you and wanted to talk. Then we sang some songs. That was really nice, I needed time to just praise God and listen to the voices of others. We listened to Relient K "Which to bury, us or the hatchet?" and "Let it all out". We were supposed to write down all the connections to relationships we noticed in the songs. I was okay until the memories that are attached to those songs came flooding back. Ironic, since a line in the first song is about keeping the bad (memories) and forgetting the good. Its also kind of ironic since after talking about what we all learned, most people connected the songs to a "God-ship", or a dating relationship. I can see their side of it, but I've always connected them to a different relationship. Can you guess which one? Good ol' daddy dearest. "
"And know that I don't hate you/And know that I don't want to fight you/And know I'll always love you/But right now I just don't (like you)"
"So what does it mean to say that? Or to hear that?" Rob asked. Try how does it feel to live that and not be able to say it? As much as my dad has hurt me, I don't hate him; as much as he provokes a fight, I don't want to win or reciprocate; I will always love him, he's my dad; but sometimes, I just have trouble finding the love.
Ian: stop being so agrivating. Don't read a book pretending you're not interested in what everyone else is doing, make a random half-started comment and then tell me to shut up. And if you didn't hear what we had to say, do say "explain" and expect us to fill you in everytime. Pay attention or don't say anything at all.

I'm over tired, angry, and basically just FINE. Go figure. And remember, "It's what's on the inside that counts!"