"Too Joanna you are"

That is a phrase I'm really starting to get sick of. I didn't know it was wrong to be too much of myself. In order to please people and not be "Joanna about it", I would have to have no fears, show no tears, have no doubts, show no pain, become defenseless, be funnier, happier, stronger, smarter, crazier, no longer faint, have a perfect bill of health, and basically be a completely different person. I've tried that before. It wasn't fun and I don't want to go back there. I'm trying to become a real person again, not just a shell of covered up emotion. People laugh when I tell them I don't cry around anyone. Consider yourself extremely trustworthy if I've ever cried around you. It probably doesn't happen that often. Don't feel bad if I haven't when you're around either, I doubt it was anything personal. I'm not completely sure why I don't like crying, no matter if I'm alone or not, I just don't like doing it. Sure, I cry during movies, but usually only if I watch them alone. (Except for Million Dollar Baby at the church, that was an awkward night). Its easy to cry from a movie, you're not as close to the situation and you can shed a few tears, wipe them away and finish watching. Crying makes me feel sick and weak. Probably because I hold them in for so long. I don't see the point to crying, it doesn't solve anything, it just gets rid of the clogged mucous in my nose. Isn't that a lovely thought? Anyways, crying wasn't what prompted this blog, it was the "Joanna" comment(s). I don't care if we're just joking around, but if something has actually hurt or bothered me, don't say that. And when I try to defend myself, don't laugh it off as me being even more Joanna about the situation. What does that even mean anyways? I didn't know a name could become a verb. If someone could explain what "being Joanna" is, I'd appreciate being filled in. Or maybe its just a conspiracy that my friends have all thought up to confuse me. Is that what friends are for? I thought not, but then again, the world does change rapidly, maybe I just can't keep up. I'm tired of being the target and the butt of jokes. So don't be surprised if I don't find it funny anymore.

By the way, hunting this weekend was boring. We came home, had lunch and then I slept until supper. Nicole was mad that I didn't go out with her, but I didn't see the point of going when I'd just sleep there. I'd rather sleep in a warm bed than a cold, cramped tree stand. And there wasn't anything worth shooting. Just a lot of does and fawns. There was a doe that didn't like other deer in her space and gave a few good kicks. We also watched "The Break Up" with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston in it. It was a dumb movie. I thought it was supposed to be a comedy, but found only one minor funny part. And the way it ended was stupid.

Well, I'm gonna go write a poem I think. Church was good today, I really enjoyed the sermon. First time in a long while that I've listened to the whole thing.