I feel like I'm just going through the motions of happiness lately. Nothing seems to please me anymore; writing, reading, relaxing and even hanging out have all begun to let me down. Maybe it's just me that's the let down. I don't know.
There was a time when I was happy, when I could write a poem or two and feel immense pride at the gift God had given me. Now I feel like I'm writing for other people, for the expectations of becoming a great published writer. I want my work published, but if it means losing my joy for the art, is it worth it? Maybe I'll just keep writing and have everything published after I die. That would be less stressful. And then I wouldn't have to do any of the phone calls and contract crap. One of the frustrating things about writing is I've had a couple dreams about really good poems and when I wake up I can't remember a single word or idea from them. They're lost to me when conciousness returns.
I had a dream last night about my Gramma's funeral, but I had written a different poem for it. Except in my dream, I think Robin was reading the poem. I do remember that one though, it was about a happy re-birthday, about being reborn in heaven and all that stuff. I think I might try and write it and have it read at my funeral. We could do a celebration funeral, with birthday cake and all that stuff, that'd be less depressing I think.
Not that I plan on dying anytime soon, I've been thinking about funeral planning a lot lately. Shantelle had her's all planned out and it was amazing. The best funeral I've ever been to in fact. Not to sound morbid or anything, but I'd like to write down the things I've thought of for my own funeral. First of all, I do NOT want to be cremated. Ever. I want the service to be in Efree, not North West. If those two things are done wrong, don't bother going, it wouldn't be my funeral. I want to have a medly of these three songs sang: How Great Thou Art, Because He Lives and It Is Well With My Soul. I was singing those three in daycare one day and I really like the easy transition from one song to the next, plus the message in each is and has been a part of my life since birth. Because He Lives was sung or played at my baby dedication and the Sunday that I told Pastor Bob about my suicide attempts. How Great Thou Art is an amazing song, especially during the thunder storm while CITing. And I really like It Is Well, because when everything else seems to be going wrong, I rely on God and know that it is well with my soul when I remember his love for me. On the back of the bulletin, I want it to say that donations can be made to Efree for missions funds. Since I plan on going to Jerusalem and am struggling with the financial, I want other people who have been called to go into the world to be able to have money available to them. I want a eulogy or ugooglee to be read, a short message, and maybe two tributes or whatever. I don't want it to be a two or three hour long funeral. Also, some congregational singing would be awesome. Worship has always been a source of healing, repentance, forgiveness and reassurance for me, and plus, we should praise God in everything, even death. I don't know what songs I would want, since my taste in music will probably change by the time I die (assuming I live a long life). And, like Shantelle, I want the people to be fed afterwords. Not only because I like to eat, but because a lot of people will have to travel most likely. Oh, and by the way, you don't need to wear black to my funeral. I never did like wearing it, and don't want it to be all dark and depressing; my life saw enough of that, why bring it to the very end? If I were to die in Jerusalem, let me be buried there, but still have my funeral here. The costs to ship a coffin are probably insane, and really, its just a body, so it won't really be needed in the church. If you do need something to symbolize me or whatever, just have a picture or something. I've heard of people burying a coffin filled with the person's stuff when there was no body; don't do that, it won't do anything but rot in the ground, like my body. The stuff that can be used to help others, give it to them, otherwise throw it away. Except my poetry of course. Anyways, I had other stuff to write about on here.
It seems that I've become an easy target for emotional beatings again. I used to defend myself everytime someone hurt me. Then people got angry saying I was so defensive and couldn't take a joke. So I tried to improve on that. And I did a pretty good job, maybe too good I'm thinking. I've become the doormat again. I just sit there and take it. No matter how close to tears or anger I am, I sit there and smile. Trying to laugh with those who are laughing at me. Last night was a good example. The comments just kept coming as if they thought it was okay. The one that bothered me most of all, was Lacey saying I woudn't ever get a tattoo. I don't even care if she was joking. Where does she get off saying what I will and will not do? She doesn't even know who I am anymore. I hate people limiting me because they think I'm weak. Why do you think I don't cry around anyone anymore? Just to give them another reason to make fun of me? No thanks. Does she not think I've thought about tattooing long enough to know is gonna hurt like poop? I know all this and still want to do it. So don't ever say that I can't or won't.
Now I'm just getting angry and depressed again, so its time to leave. Don't worry about me, "I'll be just fine pretending I'm not".
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