Crazy Times

There is so much stuff going on in my life right now that its beginning to be too much. I don't even know where to begin, theres so many things. I guess I'll start with the obvious. I've been really depressed and anxious lately. Not sure why I'm depressed when the weather's been so awesome, but I am. So many times this week/past month, I've been ready to quit. Quit everything. And this is the point where Rob gets "concerned". Don't worry Rob, we've talked about this, I'm not going to quit life, as much as I'd like to, I'm not going to.
So anxiety...Yeah, its begome like my freakin shadow. Yet it doesn't go away when the sun isn't out, rather gets worse. I'm anxious about: school, Braden, camp, future.
I just want to graduate already. Why do they even have these last two months? They're the worst! I have so many little tests and big assignments due or to do next week and its stressing me out. I want to get them done because people are counting on me, but I just don't feel like doing them.
I still haven't gotten an answer from Braden about grad. I've resigned myself to having to face him in person. I reall would rather knowing now than either getting my heart broken or being all awkward. But I guess I'll just have to suck it up and have patience.
I got my weeks for working at camp today. I'm not completely happy with them. I really don't want to be at home at all this summer and was looking forward to being at camp. I guess I'll only be working out there for 4 weeks. What makes me even more frustrated was getting a JC week. Its hard to accept when someone who CIT'd last year got the whole summer and will be a senior counsellor the week I"m a JC. I really want to be at camp this summer, and I also need the money. I know that camp won't get me enough money for a plane ticket to Jerusalem or anywhere close, but it will help. And I don't want to rely on support letters either. I always feel awkward about asking people for money. Or for anything really.
Of course I don't, I have to be in control just like my "father".
If I don't get enough money to go to Jerusalem in the fall, I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess there's always the option of living with Ryan and Kathleen. I'm sure I'd get paid more there than I would here. Then again, I'd need money for transport there. Argh! Money is the root of all stress. Well maybe not all...but I can blame most of it on money right?
As much as I want to be around for my friends, I do not want to be at home any longer than necissary. Who knows, maybe Dione and I will share a plane to Toronto sometime. That would rock! I can't wait for her to come home!
Anyways, I'm in a lot of pain so I think I might head to bed.
Only two more weeks til my surgery...yay more anxiety. Can't wait til it finally decides to attack me, I don't like this odd feeling. Let's just get it over with already.
K, well other places are calling my name...or something.