Escaping is what I do best. I've become so good that I'm never sure when I'm in hiding and when I'm safe. The hardest times are not knowing what I'm running from. Even worse is knowing the persuant and not being able to overcome it. I keep creating new ways to escape. New habits that get harder and harder to break. When I can't think of new ones, I return to my old friends, my beloved enemies. When I think I've conquored one, a new, more difficult one shows up. Preying on me constantly, waiting for me to give in, or move on to the next one. A person gets tired from running all the time, never knowing who to trust, never being able to trust yourself. When a bad escape appears I have two choices: give in and feel worse than when I started, or wait and see if I forget about the need to escape. If I've done this, I've moved on and am safer than before. If I haven't forgotten, I can yeild to the first choice, or continue the waiting game. In some cases, time is my friend. In others, it cruely reminds me of how easily I give in and how long I've been giving in for.
Escapes I can think of at the moment are:
- not sleeping
- over/under eating
- obsessive weighing
- cutting (becoming harder to deal with)
- "that other thing"
- distracting myself (from dealing with my problems)
- poetry (the only good escape)
- anger
- getting out/running away
- being moody
- the temptation of alcohol; even if I don't drink, the thought/want is just as hard to deal with
- internalizing emotions
- putting myself down so its easier to deal with others' critizism. If I tell it myself, others just confirm the lies I think.
- basic reclusiveness/hybernation
Well my brain is starting to shut down, being 4:30am...
So long, farewell, auch von de musica and so forth.
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