Confining Camp Crushes...

Yes, that's right, I have another stupid camp crush. I hate them. They're so not allowed! Especially mine. For fear of the person reading this, I refuse to name him, but I will write about him. I had the privillege of spending three weeks up at camp getting to know an amazing guy. He's funny, mature, smart, silly, strong in his faith, encouraging, makes time for me and makes me feel important and wanted. I feel like I could tell him anything and everything about me and it would be okay. That doesn't happen for me with hardly anyone. I think only two people know basically everything about me. Even that was hard, and they're my best friends, which should make things easier, but it was still difficult telling even them. Anyways, this crush is especially "not allowed" because of camp, and because of my own morals. I feel like a horrible person (no matter what other people say) because he has a girlfriend, and he barely pays attention to her. I felt so bad being around them both, and she knew something was going on, but I hope I hid it well enough to let her know I wouldn't ever take him from her. I don't ever want to be "the other woman" or the boyfriend stealer. I have enough problems without this added on. Its so confusing because, all the time he's making me feel special, I'm making myself feel guilty and undeserving. Oh, and I'm also "unethical". I know I said I wouldn't care if Rob shut down what I said, but I do/did. I don't know how to handle this situation. I want to be both of their friends and make things work between them, but at the same time, wish he were "available". Don't worry Rob, its not your fault, I knew I would come out of that session beating myself up. This is why I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to write about this, I had it figured out so that I would only write a poem (You) and then move on. But I can't move on. I can never move on, because I'm Joanna and I cling on to things like this for months. Or I just don't deal with them and they come back and kick my butt all over the place. I hate talking about him with other people, because no matter how nice they say things, my crazy mind turns them into more ammo to beat itself up with. The worst kind of abuse is that which you inflict upon yourself. AAAAAAAH! I need to find a healthier way of letting my emotions out. Ways that aren't triggering of self-harm. Ways that aren't my usual esape artist ways. Oh blast, eh? I'm out of ideas. Ideas for venting and ideas for dealing. ok bye.