I've had some thoughts rattling around my head all evening and finally picked up my laptop to type them out. I've been having some very strong emotions and thoughts the past few weeks. Mainly they have to do with being an adult and being overwhelmed a bit. Like, who signed me up for this? I was not prepared! I didn't get a chance to study; were there notes, a review? *Internal screaming with a smile on my face*. I don't know what order my thoughts are going to come out, so please bear with me...or just stop reading. Growing up, I definitely had an idea or plan for the way I thought my life would go. It seemed like everyone I knew followed the same or a similar formula. Childhood, college/university, dating, marriage, house, job, kids, etc. Pretty neat and tidy, right? Well, I must've missed a turn or something, because that is not how its gone at all. Sorry little girl Joanna. I'm still single (ready/terrified to mingle?), bought my own house, got a dog (Charlie!), am still undecided if I even want kids (that's probably a whole other journal entry), and am somehow taking care of myself. Barely some days. I'm also fighting depression, anxiety and PTSD on the daily. Drinking enough water is a struggle, let alone making it out of bed or to a social function on a dark day. One thing that helps me through when I feel overwhelmed by "adulting" is reminding myself, the bills are paid, Charlie and I are fed each day, I have a good job, friends and family who are just a text or call away, and a very good roof over my head. But like honestly, some days the effort to shower, brush my teeth, or even eat is a monumental task. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely know how hashtag blessed I am. My life is pretty amazing, even from where I was mentally/emotionally just a year ago. Shout out to therapy! For reals, if you are struggling, get help! Talk to a professional; friends are wonderful, but are not always equipped to help to the extent we may need. And yes, I know the health care system is tough to navigate, but advocate and fight for your rights to care. I'll fight with you!
One of the big thoughts that entered my mind was "living for the weekend". Pretty rough considering it's only Tuesday! My first reaction was, "Oh, you're not enjoying the moments you have", but then a quieter thought said, "At least you have something to look forward to!" Which is huge if you struggle with depression. My mood and mental state has been the best its been in a long time...long time here means consecutive months, but that's something, right? So no, I'm not depressed at the present moment. I think my brain was finally quiet enough to have internal banter with itself, and here we are. If you're still with me, congratulations, because my brain has been firing "squirrels" at me the whole time I've been trying to get coherent thoughts out. If you haven't seen UP and don't understand that reference, please watch it. But you're allowed to skip the opening sequence because that is just emotional terrorism (thanks Pixar). Annnnnd back to the main thought. Living for the weekend. Is it a lazy thought? A bare minimum effort during the week thought? A meaningless goal? Is the weekend even really that big of a deal? Its not like I really sleep in anymore, I have to get up to let Charlie outside and feed him. I don't often make big exciting plans, or have many items on my to do list. What I look forward to is comfy clothes, minimal bra wearing, time with Charlie, and now time spent in my yard and garden when the weather allows. I don't see any of that as being lazy. Sometimes I even cook for the week and clean up right after! Yes, there are some weekdays that I "just get through the day", I'm human. But during those days I'm pushing myself to keep going, keep working on the task at hand, keep moving, whatever it takes. I don't see it as a meaningless goal either. If my goal is getting excited or looking forward to the next 5 days, 5 months or 5 minutes, that's a valid goal. Sometimes the calm of the weekend amidst the chaos of the week is a big deal. Even if all I do is laundry or some housekeeping tasks. Any way, I don't really know if I got all the thoughts out, but it is my bedtime and I still have to convince Charlie to come inside. I hope this is encouraging, relate-able, or just not a complete waste of your time to read. Welcome to my brain, friends.
Tuesday, June 04, 2019
Monday, April 02, 2012
Her Children Call Her Blessed
I wrote this paper for my Hebrew Poetry & Wisdom class a few weeks ago and got 10/10 for it.
The author of Proverbs 31:10-31 gives a model for women
to be excellent wives and mothers. The title of these verses in the ESV is “The
Woman Who Fears the Lord”, setting a standard right at the beginning. There are
a number of qualities and attributes listed, and then the title is echoed in
verse 30 saying that such a woman is to be praised. This passage has been used
countless times as a checklist for heartsick bachelors and young maidens hoping
to catch the eye of a potential spouse. The problem is, today’s society has
discredited many of the items listed and has made men and women believe that
beauty, above all else, is the key to happiness. While these attributes are
seemingly hard to come by, they are not unattainable. I have seen all of them
in a few women I know, and more specifically in my own mother. I was inspired
to write a poem parallel to what I saw in her using this passage for mother’s
day in 2006 (copy attached).
As
I myself have grown in the years since, I have come back to Proverbs 31
numerous times as a reminder of the standard to which I am held as a woman of
God. At times, the expectation has seemed daunting and impossible, and at
others an inspiration that has spurred on changes and hopefully improvements to
my character. Admittedly, I am not an early riser unless forced, I have no one
but myself to cook for, which is unsatisfying, and I have never mastered sewing
or farming. However, this year alone I have begun to learn what it means to
fear the Lord and certain ways and actions in which to present myself in a way
that honors God. The woman described in Proverbs 31 is a guideline of the type
of woman I hope and aspire to be like when it is time for me to take on the
role of wife and mother.
I
have been blessed in having been taught scripture from a young age and to have
a set standard of something more than the empty, materialistic happiness the
world presents. Not only has the world’s perception of a successful woman been
completely turned backwards to that of the biblical standards and calling, it
has made marriage something easy to get out of rather than to be worked on and
cherished. Divorce has become a quick fix to marital dissatisfaction, and is
hard to ignore by statistics, celebrities, and the effects of broken family
dynamics. Verses 10-12 and 23 speak of the blessing on her husband’s life as a
result of her noble character. It is wonderful to think of such a woman who, in
her meekness exudes strength that is noticed by the elders of the town, yet
doesn’t overstep her husband’s authority and role in the marriage.
The
art and beauty of knowing how to wisely run a household that is not only
peaceful, but brings profit, has greatly been lost in our present culture. It
has become acceptable and expected for women to seek work outside of the house,
and we are met with derision if we aim to be “simple” housewives. Often
circumstances call for both spouses to have jobs, but it is evident in history
that if as young women we learn practical skills we can be successful at home
while instilling Godly values into our children. This goes against so much of
what the feminist movement of the 20’s and 30’s fought for, and yet I believe
so much good could be restored if we could return to the biblical model. Not
merely to stay home cooking, cleaning and raising children, or sending them off
to daycare, but to work diligently, willingly, using our skills to supplement
and support our husband’s hard work.
Unfortunately,
this is not the case for most women and is passed over as some ancient fairy
tale of a super woman. It has been viewed through an over-romanticised lens so
that at a young age we are led to believe that women like this are few and far
between. A woman of this calibre would be completely out of the context of
today’s society and fast paced culture that we fail to even think it could be
possible. On the other hand, they are out there; women who fear the Lord, make
wise decisions for the good of their families, and do not give way to idle
living.
Proverbs 31 Woman
She chooses wool and cotton
and sets the knitting needles to work.
She awakes in the night
and prays for her family and coworkers.
She sees potential in the dirt
and a garden grows from her insight.
She opens her arms to the poor
and her hands and heart to the needy.
She does not fear the snow;
she has clothed her family in warmth.
She has quilted a blanket for each bed
and their warmth is always appreciated.
She is clothed in fine fabric
and is admired by all for her youthfulness.
She makes clothing and toys
and sells them at the market for a fair price.
She provides others with her wares
and the world applauds her creativity.
She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks in kindness and wisdom
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She conducts her
household with efficiencyand sets the knitting needles to work.
She awakes in the night
and prays for her family and coworkers.
She sees potential in the dirt
and a garden grows from her insight.
She opens her arms to the poor
and her hands and heart to the needy.
She does not fear the snow;
she has clothed her family in warmth.
She has quilted a blanket for each bed
and their warmth is always appreciated.
She is clothed in fine fabric
and is admired by all for her youthfulness.
She makes clothing and toys
and sells them at the market for a fair price.
She provides others with her wares
and the world applauds her creativity.
She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks in kindness and wisdom
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
and is not caught in idleness.
Let her children stand and bless her
and acknowledge her good works.
"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
These are the words we praise her with.
Although outer beauty may fade,
the radiant light will shine forever.
This is a woman we should praise
for she fears and trusts the Lord in everything.
No earthly trinket can express
how much you mean to me.
I can only attempt to tell you
what an inspiration you have been.
To me and the world
you fulfill the woman of noble character.
So here’s to you, my true Proverbs 31 woman,
my mom.
Written May 14, 2006
Friday, March 16, 2012
Reflections of a Cafe Experience
This evening I went with my roommate to a local coffee shop to get some homework done. I got very little work done, but that's not what this is about. There were only a few other people in the shop, and after settling in and enjoying a few sips of my caramel macchiato, I couldn't help but overhear two women's conversation who were sitting next to me. I really couldn't help it because they had no discretion for volume, language or content. From what I could gather, they knew each other well, but it seemed like they hadn't seen each other for some time. They discussed jobs, boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, family, and eventually began to talk about their struggles with mental illnesses.
I was shocked and slightly discouraged at their viewpoints, which were clearly from a non-Christian, and terribly hopeless sense. One thing that they said is they remembered growing up with their individual disorders and how utterly alone they felt, which I completely understand. Their families didn't know about their struggles and at the time it was polite to remain silent. Another point that saddened me was one said "Depression is a lot more common and seems to be catching on" as if it were a new trend. It saddened me because I know how true it is. Depression seems to be on the rise, and is emerging in people younger than ever before in history. It could be that society has become more open about the issue of depression and suicide, which is good, but I feel can be very dangerous in causing its appearance to be chic and modern. Please hear me when I say that depression or thoughts of suicide are not something to be ignored, covered up, or overlooked. Because it is more acceptable in society to admit a struggle with depression, help is more readily available and experts are more educated on how to help in these situations. I urge you to seek help if you are feeling hopeless, worn out, or have any thoughts of suicide. I promise you that you are worth it. The battle won't be easy, but it is worth the fight to live.
I have been back in my dorm for over an hour, and their conversation has stuck with me and I felt the need to unravel some of my thoughts. Like I said, it saddened me to hear them speaking from such a hopeless perspective. I have battled with depression and anxiety for 11 years and yet I am overjoyed with the knowledge that I have the tools and support to overcome it on a daily basis. The journey I've been on has included late night phone calls to friends just to stop the harmful thoughts or actions, years of being on and off (currently off) of medication, countless friends and family praying for me and encouraging me, months of counsel from professionals and pastors, and opportunities to share my story with others who I may not even realize are going through the same thing. Through all the years I have become very open and unashamed of my sad (pun totally intended) little brain that can't quite decide which chemicals to produce. For me, it is worth the risk of being judged by an individual in order that they might grasp even a grain or a whole truckload of the hope and joy that I have found.
It is true and undeniable that my hope is wrapped intricately in my faith and the love of my savior and redeemer, Jesus Christ. I am so confident in this that I have those three words, Faith, Hope and Love, tattooed on my wrists (Faith and Hope as an ambigram) which provides a good opportunity to share with those curious enough to ask about my ink. Most times it is brushed off as a reference to 1 Corinthians 13:13, and often I'm happy to leave it at that because that's usually as far as the level of interest goes. As I said, I am open to deeper questions about the meaning behind the words and always know I have the choice to share as much or as little as I am comfortable with. See, the counseling worked in making me assertive and confident!
To wrap this all up, there is hope. Please don't be afraid or ashamed to seek help. You are not alone. You are not broken or defective and there are options and ways to live with and overcome daily the darkness of depression. I still have bad days or sometimes weeks, but each day I get through is a victory in my eyes. I can now see and know that I am stronger than depression, and even when I am at my weakest, I have confidence in knowing that Jesus is stronger and has overcome every disease.
I was shocked and slightly discouraged at their viewpoints, which were clearly from a non-Christian, and terribly hopeless sense. One thing that they said is they remembered growing up with their individual disorders and how utterly alone they felt, which I completely understand. Their families didn't know about their struggles and at the time it was polite to remain silent. Another point that saddened me was one said "Depression is a lot more common and seems to be catching on" as if it were a new trend. It saddened me because I know how true it is. Depression seems to be on the rise, and is emerging in people younger than ever before in history. It could be that society has become more open about the issue of depression and suicide, which is good, but I feel can be very dangerous in causing its appearance to be chic and modern. Please hear me when I say that depression or thoughts of suicide are not something to be ignored, covered up, or overlooked. Because it is more acceptable in society to admit a struggle with depression, help is more readily available and experts are more educated on how to help in these situations. I urge you to seek help if you are feeling hopeless, worn out, or have any thoughts of suicide. I promise you that you are worth it. The battle won't be easy, but it is worth the fight to live.
I have been back in my dorm for over an hour, and their conversation has stuck with me and I felt the need to unravel some of my thoughts. Like I said, it saddened me to hear them speaking from such a hopeless perspective. I have battled with depression and anxiety for 11 years and yet I am overjoyed with the knowledge that I have the tools and support to overcome it on a daily basis. The journey I've been on has included late night phone calls to friends just to stop the harmful thoughts or actions, years of being on and off (currently off) of medication, countless friends and family praying for me and encouraging me, months of counsel from professionals and pastors, and opportunities to share my story with others who I may not even realize are going through the same thing. Through all the years I have become very open and unashamed of my sad (pun totally intended) little brain that can't quite decide which chemicals to produce. For me, it is worth the risk of being judged by an individual in order that they might grasp even a grain or a whole truckload of the hope and joy that I have found.
It is true and undeniable that my hope is wrapped intricately in my faith and the love of my savior and redeemer, Jesus Christ. I am so confident in this that I have those three words, Faith, Hope and Love, tattooed on my wrists (Faith and Hope as an ambigram) which provides a good opportunity to share with those curious enough to ask about my ink. Most times it is brushed off as a reference to 1 Corinthians 13:13, and often I'm happy to leave it at that because that's usually as far as the level of interest goes. As I said, I am open to deeper questions about the meaning behind the words and always know I have the choice to share as much or as little as I am comfortable with. See, the counseling worked in making me assertive and confident!
To wrap this all up, there is hope. Please don't be afraid or ashamed to seek help. You are not alone. You are not broken or defective and there are options and ways to live with and overcome daily the darkness of depression. I still have bad days or sometimes weeks, but each day I get through is a victory in my eyes. I can now see and know that I am stronger than depression, and even when I am at my weakest, I have confidence in knowing that Jesus is stronger and has overcome every disease.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
To Be Continued
All day, I could only think of going to the campus visit at Briercrest. I was so excited that I became nauseous. Its not that I have extremely high expectations for the weekend, I'm just looking forward to knowing more about what I've gotten myself into. Seeing friends there, making potential new ones and rocking with live bands are just the perks. Getting out of town on a long weekend is an added bonus. I've decided to postpone my fruits of the Spirit writings until I'm back. I'm not sure how much writing I'll get in at the school, but I will try. Most likely I'll just write in my journal and post it online when its possible. The hour is late and the departure early, thus I bid thee good night.
P.S I didn't write for 30 minutes. Will do better next time.
P.S I didn't write for 30 minutes. Will do better next time.
Monday, February 14, 2011
L'Amour
I thought I would take a break from the fruits for today and pay homage to the day. St. Valentine's Day. It's been mentioned already, but I've had some time to really think it over. Since late junior high to mid high school I, like most other singles, have grown to hate this day. Why should there be a lead up to an entire day where I'm constantly reminded that I'm "alone"? This is bovine feces!
Now, don't go jumping down my throat about being anti-V.Day. I said I've thought it over, and have come to an understanding, epiphany if you will. This is not a day to be hated or to spend feeling sorry for myself. It is just another day. When I realized that, I had a very good day. Work was the same as always, but that's okay. Since Mondays are the days my young adults group gets together, I figured we should still meet. Then the couples quickly reminded me that they would have other plans. Thankfully, I still had a lot of fun having fondue with the guys.
This afternoon I was reading a post by Jamie from To Write Love On Her Arms and a thought popped into my head. I may not be in love, but I am alive. That makes it a happy Valentine's Day. One day out of all the others should not have the power to make me feel lonely or unworthy of love. I am not alone and I have many people who love me unconditionally. I am healthy, happy, growing and learning new things all the time. There is no reason to get upset about what I don't have right now, no need to rush into something I might not be ready for. No need for any of that added pressure, at least not right now.
That being said, in no way am I shutting the door to a relationship. I'm just saying that today was a good day of being single. I love sharing my life with my friends and don't even know where to begin in that crazy ocean of fish. But who wants a smelly, old fish when you can keep your feet on land where the man of your dreams is? Unless they actually find some Gillywig to help us live underwater. No, then you have to deal with cross-breeding different species, and aren't humans complicated enough?
Now, don't go jumping down my throat about being anti-V.Day. I said I've thought it over, and have come to an understanding, epiphany if you will. This is not a day to be hated or to spend feeling sorry for myself. It is just another day. When I realized that, I had a very good day. Work was the same as always, but that's okay. Since Mondays are the days my young adults group gets together, I figured we should still meet. Then the couples quickly reminded me that they would have other plans. Thankfully, I still had a lot of fun having fondue with the guys.
This afternoon I was reading a post by Jamie from To Write Love On Her Arms and a thought popped into my head. I may not be in love, but I am alive. That makes it a happy Valentine's Day. One day out of all the others should not have the power to make me feel lonely or unworthy of love. I am not alone and I have many people who love me unconditionally. I am healthy, happy, growing and learning new things all the time. There is no reason to get upset about what I don't have right now, no need to rush into something I might not be ready for. No need for any of that added pressure, at least not right now.
That being said, in no way am I shutting the door to a relationship. I'm just saying that today was a good day of being single. I love sharing my life with my friends and don't even know where to begin in that crazy ocean of fish. But who wants a smelly, old fish when you can keep your feet on land where the man of your dreams is? Unless they actually find some Gillywig to help us live underwater. No, then you have to deal with cross-breeding different species, and aren't humans complicated enough?
Patience is a Virtue
Feb. 13/11
Not one of my strongest characteristics. I was on the phone with my work's accountant trying to fix things one day. She was waiting for her computer to start up and said something about being impatient. I said even microwave food takes too long! Maybe I should work on improving my patience. Nah, it will probably take too long. Just kidding, I'm not that hard core.
Patience is something that I do need to improve on, but I'll take it a day at a time. Just like everything else in my life that I have little control over. Waiting for things to happen, change to come or people to show up can be overwhelming. Remind yourself to take a breath, relax and do everything possible to do your part.
One of my favorite waiting games is getting mail. It's also addicting when you shop online. I think we should go back to snail mail correspondence, for some things like birthdays and the just because occasions. Obviously, the internet is faster and more convenient, but those silly square papers and packages addressed to you are much more exciting. Spoken like a true shopaholic. One thing I miss about my grandparents is getting cards and letters from them. I've kept up some form of the mailing system close, because I still like sending gifts and letters to my best friend.
So what are you waiting for? A new house, new job, a spouse, new plan, a child, to grow up? There are so many things in life to look forward to, but often require a lot of patience. We've all heard that good things come to those who wait, so just hold on. It's like kids waiting for Christmas morning; it seems it takes forever, then its come and gone and they wait again for next year. I'm sure if they can get through without spontaneously combusting, I can wait for a package in the mail or for the time before I leave for school. Could it just hurry up though?
Not one of my strongest characteristics. I was on the phone with my work's accountant trying to fix things one day. She was waiting for her computer to start up and said something about being impatient. I said even microwave food takes too long! Maybe I should work on improving my patience. Nah, it will probably take too long. Just kidding, I'm not that hard core.
Patience is something that I do need to improve on, but I'll take it a day at a time. Just like everything else in my life that I have little control over. Waiting for things to happen, change to come or people to show up can be overwhelming. Remind yourself to take a breath, relax and do everything possible to do your part.
One of my favorite waiting games is getting mail. It's also addicting when you shop online. I think we should go back to snail mail correspondence, for some things like birthdays and the just because occasions. Obviously, the internet is faster and more convenient, but those silly square papers and packages addressed to you are much more exciting. Spoken like a true shopaholic. One thing I miss about my grandparents is getting cards and letters from them. I've kept up some form of the mailing system close, because I still like sending gifts and letters to my best friend.
So what are you waiting for? A new house, new job, a spouse, new plan, a child, to grow up? There are so many things in life to look forward to, but often require a lot of patience. We've all heard that good things come to those who wait, so just hold on. It's like kids waiting for Christmas morning; it seems it takes forever, then its come and gone and they wait again for next year. I'm sure if they can get through without spontaneously combusting, I can wait for a package in the mail or for the time before I leave for school. Could it just hurry up though?
I've Got Peace Like A River
Feb. 12/11
The world has seen many times of war, sadness and dark days. Through ever-changing ways and progressing years, humanity has somehow got by. When the war is over, the famine fed, flood waters receded and we can take a breath again comes the time of peace and restoration. It's silly, but when I was a little girl, I thought all the kings, sultans and emperors should just sit down to tea and work things out like civilized men. I've since realized that tea parties don't solve the world's problems, but they sure are fun!
In my own life, there's been no war, famine, drought or floods, but I've seen each too often in the news. I haven't known any men or women who've not come home from war, but I thank them for fighting for the freedom I have and for future generations. I have however lost people I know and love to the 'Big C', accidents and old age. Death has left behind widows, widowers and orphans. For those who remain, we must carry on living and walk on towards peace.
I don't have all the answers to ease the world's pain, just the opportunity to share the ones I've found. When I remember, the pain is still there a bit, but time has brought healing and I can say I've found peace like a river. Rivers can start off as a gentle stream, then bubble over the rocks of a new brook. Continuing on, the banks swell and surge. On the surface things may still be in a raging turmoil, but underneath there is a strong, sure current.
I can't remember where I heard it, but someone once said, "What is life if we haven't got love, and what is love if we haven't anybody to share it with?" Or something along those lines. One of my answers to peace is having people who love me and have experienced losses like my own help me along. People who have gone through their own pain joining together to form a mighty, rushing river of peace.
The world has seen many times of war, sadness and dark days. Through ever-changing ways and progressing years, humanity has somehow got by. When the war is over, the famine fed, flood waters receded and we can take a breath again comes the time of peace and restoration. It's silly, but when I was a little girl, I thought all the kings, sultans and emperors should just sit down to tea and work things out like civilized men. I've since realized that tea parties don't solve the world's problems, but they sure are fun!
In my own life, there's been no war, famine, drought or floods, but I've seen each too often in the news. I haven't known any men or women who've not come home from war, but I thank them for fighting for the freedom I have and for future generations. I have however lost people I know and love to the 'Big C', accidents and old age. Death has left behind widows, widowers and orphans. For those who remain, we must carry on living and walk on towards peace.
I don't have all the answers to ease the world's pain, just the opportunity to share the ones I've found. When I remember, the pain is still there a bit, but time has brought healing and I can say I've found peace like a river. Rivers can start off as a gentle stream, then bubble over the rocks of a new brook. Continuing on, the banks swell and surge. On the surface things may still be in a raging turmoil, but underneath there is a strong, sure current.
I can't remember where I heard it, but someone once said, "What is life if we haven't got love, and what is love if we haven't anybody to share it with?" Or something along those lines. One of my answers to peace is having people who love me and have experienced losses like my own help me along. People who have gone through their own pain joining together to form a mighty, rushing river of peace.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Joyful, Joyful
Today is brought to you by the fruit of the Spirit, Joy. Oddly enough, all of my coworkers are extremely grouchy today. Not me though, I'm just glad it's Friday and that I'm feeling 83% better than I was at the start of the week. This makes me joyful. If you take that word apart it becomes Joy Full. Full of joy! If you have a container that is completely full, you can't put anything else in it. Except maybe rice and sand which seems to get into everything, but that's beside the point. When we say we are joyful, we shouldn't have anything else in us. Not hurt, anger, anxiety, pride or fear. Sometimes we can be so filled with joy that it pushes things out, like tears. Those kind of tears are the only ones that I don't mind shedding. Other tears mean I've experienced loss, hurt or great fear. Not my idea of a good time.
Things can bring you momentary happiness, but I think joy comes from sharing our lives with others. Being a help or encouragement to people, or committing an act of random kindness can bring joy. A child discovering something new brings them and the people around them joy.
In fact, I think children are great vessels of joy to the world. Most of the time they are just doing life the only way they know how and don't realize how precious they are. They can't always communicate, but often know when we need a surprise hug or sweet smile. What amazing little creatures they are, what great gifts to our lives!
Another aspect of joy is when we rejoice. It's when we have so much joy in us that we can't do anything but share it. The prefix "re" is so good for words. Recreate, reproduce, rejoin, renew, revive, rejoice! How great of an impact we can have on someone else when we revive our spirit with joy and begin to rejoice, even in our trials. Nehemiah 8:10, the last part of the verse says, "Don't be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength".
In whatever you are facing, you have the joy of the Lord available to be your strength. Through times when it feels like all your strength is gone and the fight to go on seems too hard, cry out to God. He is the savior of the world and the real joy-giver.
Things can bring you momentary happiness, but I think joy comes from sharing our lives with others. Being a help or encouragement to people, or committing an act of random kindness can bring joy. A child discovering something new brings them and the people around them joy.
In fact, I think children are great vessels of joy to the world. Most of the time they are just doing life the only way they know how and don't realize how precious they are. They can't always communicate, but often know when we need a surprise hug or sweet smile. What amazing little creatures they are, what great gifts to our lives!
Another aspect of joy is when we rejoice. It's when we have so much joy in us that we can't do anything but share it. The prefix "re" is so good for words. Recreate, reproduce, rejoin, renew, revive, rejoice! How great of an impact we can have on someone else when we revive our spirit with joy and begin to rejoice, even in our trials. Nehemiah 8:10, the last part of the verse says, "Don't be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength".
In whatever you are facing, you have the joy of the Lord available to be your strength. Through times when it feels like all your strength is gone and the fight to go on seems too hard, cry out to God. He is the savior of the world and the real joy-giver.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Divine Inspiration
Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-control. These are the fruits of the Spirit. We are taught these at an early age in Sunday school, VBS or camp. Nine little lessons and guidelines on how to live a good life found in Galatians 5:22. The verses directly before (19-21) are things not to do. If I were to write about each one, good and bad, I could have a topic for 24 days! That would be so much easier than just writing random things every day. Even though I'm sure you all love my random thoughts.
To start us off is the best one of all: love. Ah, love, it is the cause of happiness, the victim of heartbreak and the reason to live. Tis' the season of love in the Western and parts of the Eastern world. It seems everywhere I look, I'm reminded that the days are short before National Singles Awareness Day. More commonly known as Valentine's Day. The only day that can compete for flower sales is Mother's Day, which wins out. Thank you Mom's everywhere. Chocolate, flowers, stuffed animals, lingerie, dinner for two, the works. Odd that all of this came from the martyrdom of a few men; one which was illegally, at the time, marrying couples in secret.
Let's get back to the main topic, shall we? We've all been asked at some point, "What does 'love' mean to you?". There are so many possible answers. To a six year old it could be a cuddly puppy or kitten. A ten year old might say its when their sibling or friend shares a favorite toy. Thirteen year old boys think that love is gross and girls have cooties. Thirteen year old girls think romantic movies are great, but the boys they know have cooties. They grow up a bit and dip their toes in the dating pool. Only if their parents are letting them date before they're 30, none of this sneaking around business, right? Not likely, with the rate of teen pregnancies, but that's off topic. To a person in their 20's, love is either all around you with friends getting married, or it seems to avoid you like the plague. Now you've reached those middle years, and there's still hope! Don't have a mid-life crisis just yet. For those in their 50's +, congratulations if you're still with your spouse! The odds are getting slimmer of a successful marriage while the divorce rate has sky-rocketed from what it was when you were a kid. You have something very special if you've put up with the same person for that long! It is amazing how love can grow with you.
That is just one kind of love, romantic, or Eros in Greek. There's also Storge (stor-gay) or familial love, Philia, friendship love, and Agape, selfless love for others. And of course, God's love.
The love a parent has for their child is unlike any other. These little carbon copies of yourselves will melt and break your heart more than once in their lifetime. You are their greatest example of how to show love to others. How to love their family, their friends, and how to feel compassion for strangers. Somewhere along the road you may have to sit down and have the "Talk". In total, parent's can teach us every kind of love.
So where do they get their knowledge and wisdom from? I'm not a parent, but I think the best source is the Bible. Every one of the four loves is displayed in there. Seriously, Song of Solomon would make a sailor blush! There is a great hymn that says, "The love of God is greater far Than tongue or pen can ever tell...To write the love of God above Would drain the oceans dry; Nor could the scroll contain the whole, Though stretched from sky to sky".
I've written four pages in a journal and not all about God. I could continue, but even the ocean as ink and the sky as parchment can't hold it all.
Love. Live it, share it.
To start us off is the best one of all: love. Ah, love, it is the cause of happiness, the victim of heartbreak and the reason to live. Tis' the season of love in the Western and parts of the Eastern world. It seems everywhere I look, I'm reminded that the days are short before National Singles Awareness Day. More commonly known as Valentine's Day. The only day that can compete for flower sales is Mother's Day, which wins out. Thank you Mom's everywhere. Chocolate, flowers, stuffed animals, lingerie, dinner for two, the works. Odd that all of this came from the martyrdom of a few men; one which was illegally, at the time, marrying couples in secret.
Let's get back to the main topic, shall we? We've all been asked at some point, "What does 'love' mean to you?". There are so many possible answers. To a six year old it could be a cuddly puppy or kitten. A ten year old might say its when their sibling or friend shares a favorite toy. Thirteen year old boys think that love is gross and girls have cooties. Thirteen year old girls think romantic movies are great, but the boys they know have cooties. They grow up a bit and dip their toes in the dating pool. Only if their parents are letting them date before they're 30, none of this sneaking around business, right? Not likely, with the rate of teen pregnancies, but that's off topic. To a person in their 20's, love is either all around you with friends getting married, or it seems to avoid you like the plague. Now you've reached those middle years, and there's still hope! Don't have a mid-life crisis just yet. For those in their 50's +, congratulations if you're still with your spouse! The odds are getting slimmer of a successful marriage while the divorce rate has sky-rocketed from what it was when you were a kid. You have something very special if you've put up with the same person for that long! It is amazing how love can grow with you.
That is just one kind of love, romantic, or Eros in Greek. There's also Storge (stor-gay) or familial love, Philia, friendship love, and Agape, selfless love for others. And of course, God's love.
The love a parent has for their child is unlike any other. These little carbon copies of yourselves will melt and break your heart more than once in their lifetime. You are their greatest example of how to show love to others. How to love their family, their friends, and how to feel compassion for strangers. Somewhere along the road you may have to sit down and have the "Talk". In total, parent's can teach us every kind of love.
So where do they get their knowledge and wisdom from? I'm not a parent, but I think the best source is the Bible. Every one of the four loves is displayed in there. Seriously, Song of Solomon would make a sailor blush! There is a great hymn that says, "The love of God is greater far Than tongue or pen can ever tell...To write the love of God above Would drain the oceans dry; Nor could the scroll contain the whole, Though stretched from sky to sky".
I've written four pages in a journal and not all about God. I could continue, but even the ocean as ink and the sky as parchment can't hold it all.
Love. Live it, share it.
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
Making Lemonade
When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Or lemon meringue pie! Today I had to somehow suck up my strength and get through the day. I came down with a cold on the weekend, and was hit hard today. In this case, when life gives you a sore throat, runny nose, coughing, aching, fever, sneezing batch of lemons, you reach for the Kleenex. Since that's a specific brand, I guess I should just leave it at "facial tissues". I thought of taking a picture of the contents of my garbage can, mostly tissues, but that's not something the public internet world needs to see. You get the idea. The thing that bothers me the most about being sick is I get so cold! I normally have the heat higher than the average person, but desperate times call for space heaters and extra layers of clothes. If I could be sick, but stay warm, I wouldn't mind as much. Of course, there's the whole being sick part that's not much fun either.
When I was little, I didn't mind it so much. I stayed home from school a lot with various illnesses, both real and imagined. I did have some pretty good ones in there, like appendicitis. Oh, wait that happened during the summer and I didn't miss any school for that one. I need to work on my timing! Now that I'm older, I don't enjoy it so much. Being sick, not fun. Missing work and not getting paid for a day that I was awake for anyways, major stress factor. Having a foreseeable financial goal (school) makes the income more valuable.
My head is full of mucus-y pressure, my body is aching and I've got slippers, three shirts, a blanket wrapped around me and the electric fireplace going. I've been staring at the screen trying to think of intelligent things to say, but this is all I've got so far. Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day.
Gesundheit! I just learned this doesn't mean "Bless you", but "Health". Irony strikes again.
When I was little, I didn't mind it so much. I stayed home from school a lot with various illnesses, both real and imagined. I did have some pretty good ones in there, like appendicitis. Oh, wait that happened during the summer and I didn't miss any school for that one. I need to work on my timing! Now that I'm older, I don't enjoy it so much. Being sick, not fun. Missing work and not getting paid for a day that I was awake for anyways, major stress factor. Having a foreseeable financial goal (school) makes the income more valuable.
My head is full of mucus-y pressure, my body is aching and I've got slippers, three shirts, a blanket wrapped around me and the electric fireplace going. I've been staring at the screen trying to think of intelligent things to say, but this is all I've got so far. Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day.
Gesundheit! I just learned this doesn't mean "Bless you", but "Health". Irony strikes again.
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
Phone Call From Heaven
"Ugh, where did I put my keys? This is the last thing I need today!" Sound like a familiar morning? Its often a common thought when we are rushing to get out the door to our individual destinations. The lost keys, sock or nylon with a hole, and the dreaded phone call right as your hand reaches for the door. Option one, answer and risk being late or in an even tighter time constraint to get where you're going. Option two, let it go to voicemail or nothing. I know I've at times done both, usually choosing number two. If its really important they'll call my cell or call later. I need to get going so I'm not inconveniencing others. Its too often all about me.
How many times have we (myself included) missed a call from friends or family because we were in a hurry? The answer is probably too often. I wonder how things in the world would be different if we just slowed down a bit, took a breath and made a little more time for ourselves and others. For ourselves to get prepared so that we're not always on cruise control or flight mode. Time for others because, they're valuable. You are not alone in life. If it sometimes feels that way, pick up the phone and dial until someone answers. Hopefully they aren't rushing out, or if so, take your call anyways.
I've got a bit off topic from my original idea, so let's get back on track. As I said, we miss a lot of calls when we are so focused on the rat race pace of life. We wonder what our purpose is in life, but hardly take time to listen to God's calling. He is and has been reaching out to humanity for millions of years. In the grand scheme of reality, I would guess that those who hear and listen is a lot less than those who choose to let his call go unanswered. I'm not trying to sound harsh, judgmental or depressing, I'm just going with the evidence I can see. Thankfully, there have been millions of people throughout the ages who have answered and obeyed. I can't begin to imagine the mess we would be in without the influences and legacies left by "the faithful few".
I've come to a point in life where I can no longer let the call go unanswered. No, I didn't hear a booming voice from the sky tell me what to do, but I have no doubts that God is calling me to womens ministry. Things aren't completely all in place or 100% clear to me right now, but that's where the opportunity for faith and trust come in. Trust in uncertain times is not the easiest for me, and I don't think I'm alone in this struggle.
I guess I've known for a number of years that one day I would find a way to help other young girls and women through their struggles. A few times I've tried to run from it and choose a less intimidating career. Something stayed always in the back of my mind, heart, conscience, whatever you want to call it, that kept bringing me back to show love to the hurting and the broken. It's like call waiting, you can hear it beeping, but don't want to end the (one sided) conversation you're involved in.
Now that I've decided to answer God's call for my life, it gives me comfort. There's fear, unknown factors, financial considerations, and more fear. Yet, I have comfort knowing a peace that doesn't even make sense. Peace that I'm doing the right thing, going to the right school for the right program. I've asked myself, "What have I got to lose?". Nothing. The better question, "What can I gain?". Everything I've ever dreamed of.
How many times have we (myself included) missed a call from friends or family because we were in a hurry? The answer is probably too often. I wonder how things in the world would be different if we just slowed down a bit, took a breath and made a little more time for ourselves and others. For ourselves to get prepared so that we're not always on cruise control or flight mode. Time for others because, they're valuable. You are not alone in life. If it sometimes feels that way, pick up the phone and dial until someone answers. Hopefully they aren't rushing out, or if so, take your call anyways.
I've got a bit off topic from my original idea, so let's get back on track. As I said, we miss a lot of calls when we are so focused on the rat race pace of life. We wonder what our purpose is in life, but hardly take time to listen to God's calling. He is and has been reaching out to humanity for millions of years. In the grand scheme of reality, I would guess that those who hear and listen is a lot less than those who choose to let his call go unanswered. I'm not trying to sound harsh, judgmental or depressing, I'm just going with the evidence I can see. Thankfully, there have been millions of people throughout the ages who have answered and obeyed. I can't begin to imagine the mess we would be in without the influences and legacies left by "the faithful few".
I've come to a point in life where I can no longer let the call go unanswered. No, I didn't hear a booming voice from the sky tell me what to do, but I have no doubts that God is calling me to womens ministry. Things aren't completely all in place or 100% clear to me right now, but that's where the opportunity for faith and trust come in. Trust in uncertain times is not the easiest for me, and I don't think I'm alone in this struggle.
I guess I've known for a number of years that one day I would find a way to help other young girls and women through their struggles. A few times I've tried to run from it and choose a less intimidating career. Something stayed always in the back of my mind, heart, conscience, whatever you want to call it, that kept bringing me back to show love to the hurting and the broken. It's like call waiting, you can hear it beeping, but don't want to end the (one sided) conversation you're involved in.
Now that I've decided to answer God's call for my life, it gives me comfort. There's fear, unknown factors, financial considerations, and more fear. Yet, I have comfort knowing a peace that doesn't even make sense. Peace that I'm doing the right thing, going to the right school for the right program. I've asked myself, "What have I got to lose?". Nothing. The better question, "What can I gain?". Everything I've ever dreamed of.
Monday, February 07, 2011
Just Drifting
I've been thinking a lot lately about roads, choices and the people we travel life with. Like metropolitan turn-pike, some people take an exit too soon, choose the carpool lane, or stay in the fast lane. Some are careful, defensive drivers, while others want to get from point A to point B in the fastest way possible. Our vehicles might have multiple passengers come and go. Other times we can find ourselves locked out, turned away right at the dealership.
There has been a fellow traveler in my life who has done a few Chinese Fire Drills, getting in and out, most often in a great panic or crisis. We have recently chosen separate roads, although it seems like we'll always be connected by some country backroad filled with memories. This isn't the first time that we've taken different vehicles, but I think that it has some finality to it. A fatal crash, no survivors of the friendship. A fork in the road with no tracks to find our way back.
It's sad really, that simple choices can accumulate to cause and create such havoc. One moment, just cruising along to the tunes, the next: wrong turn. Unfortunately, life doesn't provide us with a road map or built-in GPS. Even so, we're often going too fast to take notice of the signs along the way. Turn ahead, merge, slow for repair or inclement weather, dead end, final destination.
I don't know if any of you have had travelers like this, I'm just sharing one experience. We're both still on our own journeys, and pass each other on what is now a divided highway. There are others I have seen take their final exit whom I will remember and continue to learn from. I'm looking forward to my fellow travelers I have yet to join on the road of schools, careers and families.
Be safe on those roads, don't be afraid to take on a passenger, take time to appreciate your surroundings and share them with others.
There has been a fellow traveler in my life who has done a few Chinese Fire Drills, getting in and out, most often in a great panic or crisis. We have recently chosen separate roads, although it seems like we'll always be connected by some country backroad filled with memories. This isn't the first time that we've taken different vehicles, but I think that it has some finality to it. A fatal crash, no survivors of the friendship. A fork in the road with no tracks to find our way back.
It's sad really, that simple choices can accumulate to cause and create such havoc. One moment, just cruising along to the tunes, the next: wrong turn. Unfortunately, life doesn't provide us with a road map or built-in GPS. Even so, we're often going too fast to take notice of the signs along the way. Turn ahead, merge, slow for repair or inclement weather, dead end, final destination.
I don't know if any of you have had travelers like this, I'm just sharing one experience. We're both still on our own journeys, and pass each other on what is now a divided highway. There are others I have seen take their final exit whom I will remember and continue to learn from. I'm looking forward to my fellow travelers I have yet to join on the road of schools, careers and families.
Be safe on those roads, don't be afraid to take on a passenger, take time to appreciate your surroundings and share them with others.
Sunday, February 06, 2011
Once Upon a Dream
I'm sure every little girl has at some point in her growing up years dreamed of meeting her very own Prince Charming. How he would come riding in on his valiant steed to rescue her from whatever peril may have most recently befallen her. I admit that I am no different from these little girls. I still hold out hope that "someday my prince will come". If the glass slipper fits, right? I still watch the old Disney movies with princes and princesses, evil witches and poisoned apples or spinning wheels. My grasp on reality has obviously made me understand that fairytales rarely come true, but I've chosen to believe that there is still a chance for me to have a happily ever after of my own. At least, the best that you can get in these modern, cynical times.
With every trial that the nowaday girl has to go through in the rights of passage to become a woman, we've got to hold on to some dream or hope that all is not lost. I don't know how much I can get away with talking about dreams without being told to get my head out of the clouds, but here goes. I understand that firsrt of all, unlike Peter Pan, we do have to grow up. Tragic, yet completely unavoidable. Secondly, our dreams often drive us to do great things even when others tell us it will never work out. Also, I know that animals are nothing like the way Disney portrays them, but, I do believe in fairies. ;)
I have grown up with trials and gone over hurdles of my own; no locked castles or evil step-mothers, thankfully. I think even through all of those, I held on to the dream of the day when I would find the man of my dreams, set apart for me, who would share my life with me. Share my dreams, cheer on my accomplishments, pray for my needs, and protect me with his love and strength. I don't expect him to be perfect, but I do believe that God has chosen a man who will compliment my strengths and help me work through my weaknesses. Of course, being tall, dark (or a pasty Canadian like me) and handsome would just be a perk.
In all seriousness, I know that I still have areas in my life to work on before I would ever consider a serious relationship. I realize that life can end in a moment, and not to waste time, but I'd rather be cautious with an issue that will affect the rest of my life. Marriage is a life sentence, not a death sentence. I guess you could call me old fashioned, but I plan to grow old with the one man that I marry. I can't say what we'll do, where we will live, who we will grow up to be, if we'll have children, or what difficulties we'll face. In truth, I don't even know for certain if I will get married, but it is a dream that I've always wanted to come true.
I suppose the only thing I can do for now is to live, hope, dream, and grow and learn to be a Godly woman. I can continue to pray and wait for my future husband. Not only waiting in a sense of time, but physically (yes I'm talking about sex here) as well. That could open a whole other can of worms topic, which I may be inspired to discuss at a later time.
For now, I'll settle for watching "Sleeping Beauty".
With every trial that the nowaday girl has to go through in the rights of passage to become a woman, we've got to hold on to some dream or hope that all is not lost. I don't know how much I can get away with talking about dreams without being told to get my head out of the clouds, but here goes. I understand that firsrt of all, unlike Peter Pan, we do have to grow up. Tragic, yet completely unavoidable. Secondly, our dreams often drive us to do great things even when others tell us it will never work out. Also, I know that animals are nothing like the way Disney portrays them, but, I do believe in fairies. ;)
I have grown up with trials and gone over hurdles of my own; no locked castles or evil step-mothers, thankfully. I think even through all of those, I held on to the dream of the day when I would find the man of my dreams, set apart for me, who would share my life with me. Share my dreams, cheer on my accomplishments, pray for my needs, and protect me with his love and strength. I don't expect him to be perfect, but I do believe that God has chosen a man who will compliment my strengths and help me work through my weaknesses. Of course, being tall, dark (or a pasty Canadian like me) and handsome would just be a perk.
In all seriousness, I know that I still have areas in my life to work on before I would ever consider a serious relationship. I realize that life can end in a moment, and not to waste time, but I'd rather be cautious with an issue that will affect the rest of my life. Marriage is a life sentence, not a death sentence. I guess you could call me old fashioned, but I plan to grow old with the one man that I marry. I can't say what we'll do, where we will live, who we will grow up to be, if we'll have children, or what difficulties we'll face. In truth, I don't even know for certain if I will get married, but it is a dream that I've always wanted to come true.
I suppose the only thing I can do for now is to live, hope, dream, and grow and learn to be a Godly woman. I can continue to pray and wait for my future husband. Not only waiting in a sense of time, but physically (yes I'm talking about sex here) as well. That could open a whole other can of worms topic, which I may be inspired to discuss at a later time.
For now, I'll settle for watching "Sleeping Beauty".
Friday, February 04, 2011
Don't sweat the small stuff, kid.
I've been having some struggles in the past few months of letting little things, comments, gestures, really get to me. This has lead to being super defensive. I don't feel like I should have to defend every thing that I say or do to people, but somehow I end up doing it automatically. Not too sure where that reaction has sprung from, I just want it to stop!
For example, two very good friends and I banter back and forth quite often, but sometimes get carried away and may end up with hurt feelings. I don't feel good about the things said, and I'm sure (hope?) that they realize as well when the line has been crossed. At this point, we've still got a solid friendship and know when to apologize. I'm dreading the point of no return. James 3:10 says, "And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!" Couldn't agree with you more ol' boy!
I know how words can have such an impact on a person's day, self-worth, and world view. We teach our kids, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.", and "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." The first adage is still a pretty good one. If you have nothing to contribute in a positive way, be silent. Easier said, again with the pun, than done. There is something deep within us that rises up and begs to be let out in a heated discussion, debate, or just banter. I wonder how many relationships could have been salvaged if one or both parties had taken a moment to think first, or to just remain silent. In no way am I saying we shouldn't stand up for injustice, I'm talking about things on a personal/relational level.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, especially when you're as accident prone as me. But, words do hurt. Whether they are intentional or not, the meaning can be mistaken, and there is nothing you can do to take them back. Proverbs 26:18-19 says, "Like a maniac shooting flaming arrows of death is one who deceives their neighbor and says, 'I was only joking!'" "Just kidding" doesn't always patch things up again. In fact, I would venture that it can possibly do even more damage than the original remark. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Unfortunately, this can happen with just a slip of the tongue. So, what can we do about this?
Think. Is what you're about to say going to offend, hurt,tear down, bully the recipient, or will it encourage, praise, build up, reinforce them? Personally, I enjoy encouragement over being bullied or having my feelings hurt any day. I know that I can't change the way every person speaks to their neighbor (here meaning everyone you meet/interact with), but I can strive to change the pattern of my own speech. I'm not trying to be 'holier than thou', I just don't want to do irrevocable damage to the people that I care about and deserve to be treated with respect. The only people we can truly change are ourselves, others may choose to follow our lead, which is just a bonus.
On a lighter note, this writing exercise has become a bit easier and I'm getting more inspiration each day. I truly hope that you the reader enjoy my ramblings, and hopefully can learn something or take something from what I write for yourself.
For example, two very good friends and I banter back and forth quite often, but sometimes get carried away and may end up with hurt feelings. I don't feel good about the things said, and I'm sure (hope?) that they realize as well when the line has been crossed. At this point, we've still got a solid friendship and know when to apologize. I'm dreading the point of no return. James 3:10 says, "And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!" Couldn't agree with you more ol' boy!
I know how words can have such an impact on a person's day, self-worth, and world view. We teach our kids, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.", and "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." The first adage is still a pretty good one. If you have nothing to contribute in a positive way, be silent. Easier said, again with the pun, than done. There is something deep within us that rises up and begs to be let out in a heated discussion, debate, or just banter. I wonder how many relationships could have been salvaged if one or both parties had taken a moment to think first, or to just remain silent. In no way am I saying we shouldn't stand up for injustice, I'm talking about things on a personal/relational level.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, especially when you're as accident prone as me. But, words do hurt. Whether they are intentional or not, the meaning can be mistaken, and there is nothing you can do to take them back. Proverbs 26:18-19 says, "Like a maniac shooting flaming arrows of death is one who deceives their neighbor and says, 'I was only joking!'" "Just kidding" doesn't always patch things up again. In fact, I would venture that it can possibly do even more damage than the original remark. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Unfortunately, this can happen with just a slip of the tongue. So, what can we do about this?
Think. Is what you're about to say going to offend, hurt,tear down, bully the recipient, or will it encourage, praise, build up, reinforce them? Personally, I enjoy encouragement over being bullied or having my feelings hurt any day. I know that I can't change the way every person speaks to their neighbor (here meaning everyone you meet/interact with), but I can strive to change the pattern of my own speech. I'm not trying to be 'holier than thou', I just don't want to do irrevocable damage to the people that I care about and deserve to be treated with respect. The only people we can truly change are ourselves, others may choose to follow our lead, which is just a bonus.
On a lighter note, this writing exercise has become a bit easier and I'm getting more inspiration each day. I truly hope that you the reader enjoy my ramblings, and hopefully can learn something or take something from what I write for yourself.
Thursday, February 03, 2011
The Picture of Dorian Gray
I've been reading "The Picture of Dorian Gray" by Oscar Wilde, and wonder what my portrait would look like at this point in my life? I'm not sure that I'd be able to recognize myself. Some features would be familiar, but I think others could be drastically altered. My mouth may be twisted in a cruel sneer like Dorian's from the things I've said. Perhaps my eyes would be clouded over by the things I've seen. Who knows how the rest would look? I haven't finished reading the book, but already know that youth and beauty are not worth forfeiting your soul.
I remember the years of healing, emotionally and mentally, it took to work past the trap of eating disorders. Looking back with the wisdom, what little I've acquired, I can now understand somewhat the thought pattern involved in the cycle of disorders.
One thing that I hope to accomplish through my education is to understand woman's issues more in depth. In order to help girls get through, or avoid altogether the struggles I've been through, I must first gain knowledge.
I want to build a legacy for women that instills how precious, valuable and set apart each of them are. Both individually and as a whole, we are important. Women are far too often overlooked, discredited, discriminated against, outright abused and considered less than men. I said outright abused, but sadly, the behind closed doors, publicly unaware abuse is much more common. If I can lend my voice, and talents or just my heart, ears, shoulder to cry on and arms to hold a sister in pain, I know I can make a difference.
I don't know if we can change the picture already painted, but I hope that my own has not been altered beyond repair.
I remember the years of healing, emotionally and mentally, it took to work past the trap of eating disorders. Looking back with the wisdom, what little I've acquired, I can now understand somewhat the thought pattern involved in the cycle of disorders.
One thing that I hope to accomplish through my education is to understand woman's issues more in depth. In order to help girls get through, or avoid altogether the struggles I've been through, I must first gain knowledge.
I want to build a legacy for women that instills how precious, valuable and set apart each of them are. Both individually and as a whole, we are important. Women are far too often overlooked, discredited, discriminated against, outright abused and considered less than men. I said outright abused, but sadly, the behind closed doors, publicly unaware abuse is much more common. If I can lend my voice, and talents or just my heart, ears, shoulder to cry on and arms to hold a sister in pain, I know I can make a difference.
I don't know if we can change the picture already painted, but I hope that my own has not been altered beyond repair.
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Puxatony Phil!
The dear old groundhog from Pennsylvania did not see his shadow today, meaning an early spring! Hooray! When the number of months of winter outnumber the months of the other seasons, its nice to believe in some silliness that might possibly bring us warmer weather.
Today I had quite a good day. Considering that last week I mostly wanted to just crawl under a rock and not play nice with others, this is an improvement. The morning was fairly normal, not a lot of calls or paper work. Lunch was late, but delicious. Logan and I mostly worked on his Media Studies homework for the afternoon. So much fun! I got a little carried away with details and perfectionism, but I think he probably appreciated the way things turned out. Either way, he has one good looking scrapbook on its way!
Four minutes in, and I'm stuck. Hmm...something meaningful. Meaning. Ful. Mean. Ing. Ful. How can a word describe something, and yet be the definition of being hurtful? To have meaning, or to be mean to others. English language, you've baffled me yet again. And who decided that baffled was a good emotional descriptor?! Some people's ancestors.
So, I'm back home where there is my own bed and a shower. The other place only had a tub. It was interesting. I really enjoyed my time there; the quiet, freedom, space, and playing hostess were wonderful. We've already agreed I would do it again if/when they needed me to.
I got a letter/ad from my bank saying that I'm eligible to upgrade to a credit card that collects points that can go towards travel. It sounds like a great opportunity, especially since I use mine so often. Shopaholic tendencies benefiting wanderlust? Yes, please!
I'm still not sure that what I'm writing is meaningful. I figured I'd start out back on this blog, writing about my days like I used to and just defrag my brain a bit in the process. Yes, I think its going to be a good thing. Of course, there will be some things and days that I don't want to mention, but that's the joy of choosing my words.
I was just thinking about another challenge/deal I made with a friend before she went to travel around Australia/New Zealand. The challenge was for me to lose 10lbs by the time she gets back at the end of April. So far, I think I may have gone to the gym 3 times. Eek! It wasn't very manageable with the location of the house, and the lack of a gym partner. Plus, it was ridiculously cold most of the time I've been house sitting. I know, excuses, excuses! Now that I'm back at home, I hope it is easier to go, and less tempting to just stay home. I really do want to accomplish this, not only to hold up my end, but for my own personal health and well being. I'm tired of, well, being tired! Also, I would really like the outfits I've been buying online to be more flattering, and less binding! I think I just need to get motivated again, and not give up so easily. I really do like working out, I like the sweat and the burn I feel when I'm making progress. Plus, losing a couple pounds and inches feels amazing along the way! I'm pretty sure I haven't put on any weight since we made this deal, so I don't think I've done myself more damage. Other than having to start over with my endurance and muscle tone. I know I can do it, I just need to get over my laziness! The benefits greatly outweigh (no pun intended, but always implied) the option of continuing to do nothing.
This writing is a lot harder, like I've said, than I originally thought. I know I have a blank notebook in my room that I can dig out to take with me so that I'm not always relying on blogger to get my thoughts down. The fact that its Wizard of Oz themed may help as well.
I have to mention again how excited I am to go check out Briercrest! I'm literally counting the days. 14 left! Two weeks, and I'll be on the road with a friend to find out what this place I'll be spending the next four years of my life is like. I'm looking forward to seeing my Meadow Lake friends there, too. I barely saw them at all during the Christmas break and I really miss them.
I'm basically out of rambling ideas, and I think I've fulfilled my 30 minutes for today. On to the adventure of decorating my workplace for my boss' 50th birthday tomorrow. I hope he's surprised and enjoys the effort!
Today I had quite a good day. Considering that last week I mostly wanted to just crawl under a rock and not play nice with others, this is an improvement. The morning was fairly normal, not a lot of calls or paper work. Lunch was late, but delicious. Logan and I mostly worked on his Media Studies homework for the afternoon. So much fun! I got a little carried away with details and perfectionism, but I think he probably appreciated the way things turned out. Either way, he has one good looking scrapbook on its way!
Four minutes in, and I'm stuck. Hmm...something meaningful. Meaning. Ful. Mean. Ing. Ful. How can a word describe something, and yet be the definition of being hurtful? To have meaning, or to be mean to others. English language, you've baffled me yet again. And who decided that baffled was a good emotional descriptor?! Some people's ancestors.
So, I'm back home where there is my own bed and a shower. The other place only had a tub. It was interesting. I really enjoyed my time there; the quiet, freedom, space, and playing hostess were wonderful. We've already agreed I would do it again if/when they needed me to.
I got a letter/ad from my bank saying that I'm eligible to upgrade to a credit card that collects points that can go towards travel. It sounds like a great opportunity, especially since I use mine so often. Shopaholic tendencies benefiting wanderlust? Yes, please!
I'm still not sure that what I'm writing is meaningful. I figured I'd start out back on this blog, writing about my days like I used to and just defrag my brain a bit in the process. Yes, I think its going to be a good thing. Of course, there will be some things and days that I don't want to mention, but that's the joy of choosing my words.
I was just thinking about another challenge/deal I made with a friend before she went to travel around Australia/New Zealand. The challenge was for me to lose 10lbs by the time she gets back at the end of April. So far, I think I may have gone to the gym 3 times. Eek! It wasn't very manageable with the location of the house, and the lack of a gym partner. Plus, it was ridiculously cold most of the time I've been house sitting. I know, excuses, excuses! Now that I'm back at home, I hope it is easier to go, and less tempting to just stay home. I really do want to accomplish this, not only to hold up my end, but for my own personal health and well being. I'm tired of, well, being tired! Also, I would really like the outfits I've been buying online to be more flattering, and less binding! I think I just need to get motivated again, and not give up so easily. I really do like working out, I like the sweat and the burn I feel when I'm making progress. Plus, losing a couple pounds and inches feels amazing along the way! I'm pretty sure I haven't put on any weight since we made this deal, so I don't think I've done myself more damage. Other than having to start over with my endurance and muscle tone. I know I can do it, I just need to get over my laziness! The benefits greatly outweigh (no pun intended, but always implied) the option of continuing to do nothing.
This writing is a lot harder, like I've said, than I originally thought. I know I have a blank notebook in my room that I can dig out to take with me so that I'm not always relying on blogger to get my thoughts down. The fact that its Wizard of Oz themed may help as well.
I have to mention again how excited I am to go check out Briercrest! I'm literally counting the days. 14 left! Two weeks, and I'll be on the road with a friend to find out what this place I'll be spending the next four years of my life is like. I'm looking forward to seeing my Meadow Lake friends there, too. I barely saw them at all during the Christmas break and I really miss them.
I'm basically out of rambling ideas, and I think I've fulfilled my 30 minutes for today. On to the adventure of decorating my workplace for my boss' 50th birthday tomorrow. I hope he's surprised and enjoys the effort!
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
365 Writing Challenge
Wow, I almost can't believe it's been over two years since I've written a blog post! A little bit ridiculous, but c'est la vie! I've been challenged by a friend on Facebook to start writing 30 minute/day for the next 365 days. Feb 1, 2011 to Feb 1, 2012. I'm a little unsure if I can do it for every single day, but I'm going to put forth a valiant effort. Obviously, my writing has greatly diminished in this form, and been replaced by status updates, comments, tweets, and now at work, invoices.
Two years! I'm still hung up on that. The last thing I wrote was a bucket list when I was 21. Not many things have changed, at least nothing needs to be taken off. I'd still love to do all those things. I've already accomplished a few, and am going to be working on one in the fall.
I've been accepted to attend Briercrest College and Seminary and will be working towards a Bachelor of Arts in Christian Ministry degree. My main focus will be women's ministry and counselling. I'm SO excited to see what this will bring to my future. In just two weeks, I'll be travelling to the school to check things out as I've never been to the campus. Exciting times, to see friends that are attending and begin friendships that I hope to continue in September. I applied in July 2010, was accepted in October, and just told my boss today that I'm going. Not really sure why I was so nervous to tell him. He seemed happy and supportive in my decision. That's the blessing of having a great boss!
Hmm...this 30 minute thing isn't as easy as I thought. Also part of the challenge is to write something meaningful in that 30 minutes. For me this is, even just to start writing again. It may just be a condensed update, but its a start.
Two years! I'm older, hopefully wiser, have learned many lessons, still single, have another nephew, another tattoo (2 only in total), lost friends and loved ones, made new friends, travelled, witnessed new chapters in friend's lives, and still a small town girl. Although, this town has become a city. It doesn't really feel like one, for which I'm glad. Its so nice waving/greeting people when they drive by. There are so many great people here, and I'm probably going to be a bit homesick when I go to school. Luckily, like I said, I've already got friends that go there, and hope to make more.
How do you wrap up two whole years? I have gone through some of the happiest times and some of my very darkest times. Which, if you were to read this blog from the beginning, you'd think it would be hard to get much darker than when I was in my depression. I think, with the consecutive loss of friends and a family member, it brought me past depression, to utter hopelessness. At the time I didn't even want to believe in the belief of God. Through the prayers and support of many friends and acquaintances, I saw that there was hope and light in these dark times. There was life and opportunity for joy through the dark and the pain of loss. My Saviour never let me go, he was always holding me in his loving arms. When I was drowning my sorrows in drinking, he never turned away in shame of my actions. I know Jesus was waiting patiently, so patiently, for me to turn back to him and let him heal my broken heart. The loss is still real to me, but I have found comfort in beauty of nature, compassion from friends and sometimes strangers, and an ever supportive church family. I am so grateful to them and how they are encouraging me to pursue my education and essentially dream to minister to women. I could not do it if I felt completely alone. Or, it would be immeasurably harder.
I've been house sitting again, and tomorrow I go back home. I hope that I can continue this writing. It might show up here, on my poetry blog, or a Facebook note. I don't know if anyone will be even reading this one, but if you are, welcome back! I hope you will enjoy my renewed journey.
Two years! I'm still hung up on that. The last thing I wrote was a bucket list when I was 21. Not many things have changed, at least nothing needs to be taken off. I'd still love to do all those things. I've already accomplished a few, and am going to be working on one in the fall.
I've been accepted to attend Briercrest College and Seminary and will be working towards a Bachelor of Arts in Christian Ministry degree. My main focus will be women's ministry and counselling. I'm SO excited to see what this will bring to my future. In just two weeks, I'll be travelling to the school to check things out as I've never been to the campus. Exciting times, to see friends that are attending and begin friendships that I hope to continue in September. I applied in July 2010, was accepted in October, and just told my boss today that I'm going. Not really sure why I was so nervous to tell him. He seemed happy and supportive in my decision. That's the blessing of having a great boss!
Hmm...this 30 minute thing isn't as easy as I thought. Also part of the challenge is to write something meaningful in that 30 minutes. For me this is, even just to start writing again. It may just be a condensed update, but its a start.
Two years! I'm older, hopefully wiser, have learned many lessons, still single, have another nephew, another tattoo (2 only in total), lost friends and loved ones, made new friends, travelled, witnessed new chapters in friend's lives, and still a small town girl. Although, this town has become a city. It doesn't really feel like one, for which I'm glad. Its so nice waving/greeting people when they drive by. There are so many great people here, and I'm probably going to be a bit homesick when I go to school. Luckily, like I said, I've already got friends that go there, and hope to make more.
How do you wrap up two whole years? I have gone through some of the happiest times and some of my very darkest times. Which, if you were to read this blog from the beginning, you'd think it would be hard to get much darker than when I was in my depression. I think, with the consecutive loss of friends and a family member, it brought me past depression, to utter hopelessness. At the time I didn't even want to believe in the belief of God. Through the prayers and support of many friends and acquaintances, I saw that there was hope and light in these dark times. There was life and opportunity for joy through the dark and the pain of loss. My Saviour never let me go, he was always holding me in his loving arms. When I was drowning my sorrows in drinking, he never turned away in shame of my actions. I know Jesus was waiting patiently, so patiently, for me to turn back to him and let him heal my broken heart. The loss is still real to me, but I have found comfort in beauty of nature, compassion from friends and sometimes strangers, and an ever supportive church family. I am so grateful to them and how they are encouraging me to pursue my education and essentially dream to minister to women. I could not do it if I felt completely alone. Or, it would be immeasurably harder.
I've been house sitting again, and tomorrow I go back home. I hope that I can continue this writing. It might show up here, on my poetry blog, or a Facebook note. I don't know if anyone will be even reading this one, but if you are, welcome back! I hope you will enjoy my renewed journey.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Bucket List
- Travel around Scotland - or live there
- Attend a Broadway show
- Get published
- Get married and have a few kids
- Get training in women's ministry & counselling
- Influence a world leader
- Go to: Hollywood, Vegas, South Africa, Sydney, The Dream Centre
- Learn to salsa for my 25th Anniversary
- Learn to ballroom dance for my 50th Anniversary
- Record a cd
- Adopt a child from either Romania or Greece
- Be a motivational speaker for women
- Run a 5km marathon
- Have my picture taken with a royal
- Design china sets for my daughter(s)
- Go on a historical treasure hunt
- Take a gondola ride in Venice
- Get married in Lions Park and honeymoon in Kilravock Castle
- Help with a Habitat for Humanity home
- Be in the audience for the Ellen Show
- Be a great-grandma
- Go to Metz, France
- Touch the ocean
- Ride in a limo and get out on a red carpet
- Float in the Dead Sea
- Have a professional photo shoot in a magazine
- Trace my family tree back as far as possible
- Ride in a hot air balloon
- Be a noticeable extra in a movie
- See the pyramids
- Stargaze from the top of a mountain
- Have a family portrait painted
- Own a cottage/cabin
- Take the Motorcycle Diaries tour
- Submit a secret to Post Secret
- Meet Jamie & Renee from TWLOHA
- Have a cast of my handprints made
- Visit Auschwitz & Anne Frank's house
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Restless Revelation
Laying in bed, I was thinking about the words of one of Jay And The Love Birds songs, "Break my heart for what breaks Yours." and a wave of thoughts came to me. I've heard those words many times before, and was like, 'Yeah God, do that!', but I don't think I've ever really understood what that meant; maybe I still don't, but I kept thinking.
One thought was: How can we break a heart if its already broken?
I know in my own life, I've had some heartbreak. It's not fun, and its not an easy thing to get through. I think, personally, I get so excited about the current thing God is doing in my life or my church, that I don't stop to ask God to heal my heart's brokenness.
We ask God to show us how to love like He does and often don't do a very good job of it. Don't get me wrong, we try really hard, but we're not perfect.
Another thing that came to mind was, yes, let's ask God for His compassion and love, but remember that He also tells us to guard our hearts. That doesn't mean being a snob, but using wisdom in who and what you put your heart into.
The world's view of love is so skewed, making it so easy for us to "fall in love" with people we may not know very well. Even for Christians, myself included, it is hard to ignore the draw to drink, smoke, party, sleep around and all the other junk that's out there.
If we give our hearts to God and ask Him to teach us not only how to guard them, but how to love with them, I know it would save a lot of heartbreak and the other consequences that often follow.
I'm not saying this to make anyone feel bad, I just wanted to share a lesson that God has been slowly, gently been teaching me this past month especially.
I shared this in church this morning and without even knowing about what I had written in the wee hours, the worship leader, Dan, picked Hosanna to sing. Part of the bridge contains the same words I picked out from JATLB's song Break My Heart. I thought that was pretty cool.
One thought was: How can we break a heart if its already broken?
I know in my own life, I've had some heartbreak. It's not fun, and its not an easy thing to get through. I think, personally, I get so excited about the current thing God is doing in my life or my church, that I don't stop to ask God to heal my heart's brokenness.
We ask God to show us how to love like He does and often don't do a very good job of it. Don't get me wrong, we try really hard, but we're not perfect.
Another thing that came to mind was, yes, let's ask God for His compassion and love, but remember that He also tells us to guard our hearts. That doesn't mean being a snob, but using wisdom in who and what you put your heart into.
The world's view of love is so skewed, making it so easy for us to "fall in love" with people we may not know very well. Even for Christians, myself included, it is hard to ignore the draw to drink, smoke, party, sleep around and all the other junk that's out there.
If we give our hearts to God and ask Him to teach us not only how to guard them, but how to love with them, I know it would save a lot of heartbreak and the other consequences that often follow.
I'm not saying this to make anyone feel bad, I just wanted to share a lesson that God has been slowly, gently been teaching me this past month especially.
I shared this in church this morning and without even knowing about what I had written in the wee hours, the worship leader, Dan, picked Hosanna to sing. Part of the bridge contains the same words I picked out from JATLB's song Break My Heart. I thought that was pretty cool.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Epiphany
That is what I've just had. An epiphany. A sudden realization for the first time of something extravagant. I was just reading a book by Gilbert Morris and a line struck a cord somewhere deep inside me. "Susanna Rocklin was a strong woman, but part of her strength was her compassionate heart."
For the past few years, I've been struggling with my own emotions and the way I present myself to others. My whole life, I've been pegged as the weak one, always hurt or sick or crying over one thing or the other. After realizing this, I began to build walls, and I built them high. If I closed myself off to people and turned of the weak emotions, I couldn't get hurt or show weakness. At least, that was my own foolish logic on the situation. Foolish, because it doesn't work. I still hurt and am only now being able to once again cry, knowing now that its not a weakness, but a gift. My heart has always been strongly drawn to helping people, especially those who themselves are hurting. If I can help others get through their pain, mine won't hurt as much. Right? No.
This might all sound a bit jumbled, but you have to realize that I'm just now, at this very moment, figuring this all out. Took long enough, eh? Back to the line from the book; strength and compassion. Those are two qualities numerous people have told me I possess. The first confused me, due to the false belief from my childhood, and the second has always been obvious to me. Now that I know that they can go hand in hand, I can use them better. My weakness, crying (rather, not crying), can be used as a strength in caring for others and letting them see that I am not made of stone. How's that for freedom?
For the past few years, I've been struggling with my own emotions and the way I present myself to others. My whole life, I've been pegged as the weak one, always hurt or sick or crying over one thing or the other. After realizing this, I began to build walls, and I built them high. If I closed myself off to people and turned of the weak emotions, I couldn't get hurt or show weakness. At least, that was my own foolish logic on the situation. Foolish, because it doesn't work. I still hurt and am only now being able to once again cry, knowing now that its not a weakness, but a gift. My heart has always been strongly drawn to helping people, especially those who themselves are hurting. If I can help others get through their pain, mine won't hurt as much. Right? No.
This might all sound a bit jumbled, but you have to realize that I'm just now, at this very moment, figuring this all out. Took long enough, eh? Back to the line from the book; strength and compassion. Those are two qualities numerous people have told me I possess. The first confused me, due to the false belief from my childhood, and the second has always been obvious to me. Now that I know that they can go hand in hand, I can use them better. My weakness, crying (rather, not crying), can be used as a strength in caring for others and letting them see that I am not made of stone. How's that for freedom?
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