A Series of Unfortunate Events

Let me tell you a story about this weekend. Kelvin and I went to Nicole's for a sleepover on Saturday. We were all kind of grumpy and then after a few rounds of pool (I won once YAY), we all cheered up. Then Will called. (Nicole's cuz) First Unfortunate Event. He told her some bad news, and she cried a lot. After everything was under control, we all went to play in the snow. We were having a lot of fun, but Scruffy scratched Nic's lip and my ski-pants were ripped, so we went in and I changed and she checked out her lip. (#2) Again, we went out in the snow. We went to the sand hill and slid down a bit. We were all at the bottom and Scruffy was being annoying and climbing over us all. Nicole tried to push her off Kelvin, but she scratch beneath his bottom lip. I thought it was like Nicole's, so I laughed a bit. Then he pulled his hand away and it was covered in blood. I stopped laughing. (#3) We went to the house, Nicole was crying, and I got to do some First Aid! Well, I got the kit out, Kelvin cleaned up his lip and I tried to bandage him up and talk him in to getting stitches. Finally he gave in and I called the hospital telling them we were coming in. (He never did let me bandage him up, so close though!) We sat and waited, the nurse cleaned him up a bit more and we waited for Dr. Snyman to come in. Just so you all know, it was 3am when we got to the hospital. So, the Dr stitched him up, four stitches, I left the room though. But, I didn't even pass out. I just felt queasy. We went back home (Nicole's) and had some awkward moments due to the accident. After reassuring Nicole that it wasn't her fault and that we were all just messing around, we played more pool. I was still feeling rather queasy, and sure enough, my stomach exploded. (#4) So then I went to bed, but read for like 9 billion hours. Actually, I think it was only 1 hour. Nicole woke me up and asked if I was going to church, I said no, as my tummy was still icky. So I slept some more. Man I love sick sleeps. So deep. I seriously think I squinched the entired night though, made me a bit sore. Then they came home, we hung out, ate some foods, played some games. I schooled everyone at Dutch Blitz. And totally beat Kelvin at Ping Pong. (Not really, cuz we didn't keep score, but I was much funnier to watch I'm sure.) Then, my tummy exploded some more. We all went to bed, and I finished the book I was reading, finished Mark and started Luke. Then I woke up, went looking for Nicole, since she had to work. She was up, but the roads were bad, so she called in. We all slept some more, got up, had some lunch, watched some tv (me), played some pool (them), and slept some more. Then we went in to town for Cleansing Stream. It was pretty good. After that, we went to Kelvin's and watched The Passion of the Christ. I love that movie so much. We all cried. Now I'm home, listening to music and updating all of you. I have so much homework to do tomorrow; two weeks of Cleansing Stream and Genesis Process. And I haven't started. I think one of the things I learned this weekend was "a bicycle only needs two wheels". Go figure eh? Whatever, I'm over it and am happy now. Another thing I learned, one meal a day for a week = not being able to eat solid foods for awhile. I'm so smart. Oh well, I know God forgives me when I mess up and that I'll learn from all this.

Signing off heartbroken and hungry,
Joanna.
hehe it's like a letter! (It's okay guys, I'm just crazy.)

Confusing Dream

I just woke up from a really confusing dream. I don't even know where to begin. K, well, I was in Calgary with my family, for a reason that didn't present itself in the dream. Then, Dad, Tim & Phil went to the airport with me. I think they were seeing me off (not sure where I was going), but then they all got on the plane with me. When we landed we were in Britain. What? We went in to the airport there (which looked more like a fancy hotel lobby) and looked around a bit. Phil and I went to find a phone. The phones were interactive tv stations. You picked what you wanted to do (make a call) and a phone keypad showed up. It was really high-tech. There was an older lady sitting behind where we were standing. For some reason, I sat with her and she asked where I was from. I had to explain how Canada was set up first of all and then we got to this confusing conversation:

(After talking about Can.) (Me) "The reason why I'm in Britain is because it is where God told me to go. You see, I was planning to go to Bible school in the fall, but then God told me to come here. I asked him, 'Why Britain? There's nothing there but sheep'. (The lady laughed at this). After much prayer, God spoke again and said, 'Go, teach my sheep.' And I knew that I had to go where he lead me." The old lady then invited us all to a "creamyard celebration". Those are the words I heard. What's a creamyard, is it like a vineyard? So confusing!

Hmm, what's missing from this conversation? Oh, I know! Jerusalem! And Britain, what's that about anyways? Throughout the entire dream I called it Britain. I never knew what airport I was in, or even what city I was supposed to go to.

I really need some prayer for direction. I dont know where I'm supposed to go, I just know I'm supposed to go. I've had three options given to me, all of which I believe were given by God. But, I can't be in three places at once! Is there an order in which I'm s'posed to go to these places? Am I going to them all, or do I have to decide between them? The dream I had about Bethany, seemed to take place in the near future (Darcy was in it). This one about Britain seemed like it was happening now, I had my purse and cellphone with me there. And when God told me to go to Jerusalem, I still had to finish school. Is this what Merv was talking about, opening your ears to hear from God? Or is this just some crazy dream? GAH! I guess I'm going to be praying a lot about this. Maybe its just all this snot floating around in my cranium. Maybe someone at care group will have some words of wisdom for me.

Snot-Nosed Kid

Holy crap, where is all this sickly snot coming from? I am always amazed that a nose so small can house so much yuckiness. If you haven't guessed, I have a cold. It sucks. Oh well. So, I had a "fun" day at the clinic today. I went in, thinking I had a bladder infection and sat for about 2 1/2 hrs. They called me, I peed in a cup (fun), and sat in a room. I got the dr that I cannot understand what he's saying (more fun). He said I don't have an infection, but gave me a prescription, told me to come back if it doesn't get better. While he was out of the room, my fingernails turned completely blue. It was quite scary. So, he checked my heart, breathing and my toenails. They were also a bit blue. Everything went back to normal after that, because I'd been taking deep breaths. It was probably just from not breathing deeply due to this cold. He said if there's any concern tomorrow, to go to the hospital. Yay, sounds like fun! In other news, I slept most of the day. It was alright. I'm sore from going to the gym last night. Haha. I'll probably sleep most of tomorrow too. Man I need a better job! I filled out most of the application form for Bethany, I just have to get some addresses and ask Rob & Eryn to be my references. (Rob, if you're reading this, will you be my reference for Bethany? I've got all the stuff ready for filling out.) I think I can get up to $600 off my tuition through a bunch of incentives they have. I should look into Student Loans as well. Man, it feels like I don't have all that much to talk about anymore. I like going to the Bridge and am excited to be involved in a bunch of things through that. My schedule's been pretty full lately. Monday is Discipleship class, Tuesday is Genesis Process (dealing with addictions/support group), and Wednesday is Care Group/Bible study. Thursday-Saturday are hang-out days, so if anyone wants to hang out, give me a call or something. This Sat. is Mom's 57th birthday and we're going for supper at Nor' Wester, then to the North West to watch her year in review slide show. Then, Sunday is church day. Fun times I tell you! The building was really cold last week, but it kept me awake and listening, haha. The whole service is so awesome, the worship, testimonies, the sermon; they just all seem to be directed at me and what's going on in my life. Its super cool. Plus, I get to spend time with Nicole & Eryn, two very cool ladies. Anyways, I think I'm going to go play a game that I've beat like 5 times, its very relaxing. Ciao! (I'm so not Portugese).

100th Poem!

So yeah, I wrote my 100th poem the other day. Check it out: http://www.froannaspoetry.blogspot.com

Don't be afraid to comment on my stuff, I like feedback. It helps me to know what people like and what I need to improve on. ^.^

Why? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I spend the majority (sadly) of my time watching romantic movies, reading romance books and writing poems about love and romance? Why, when I have none of that stuff in my life? Girls, why do we do this to ourselves? We get lost in the fantasy on screen, page and print. I am sick of wondering if I'll ever find "true love". Of wondering if there's a guy out there for me, or if I've missed my chance. Mind you, I'm young and have plenty of time to find Mr.Right, but my heart is longing for some reality through all these romantic fantasies. I've found the love of God recently in my life, and it is amazing! God wants to be my Lover, my Fiance, my Husband. And I want him to be that, but I also want to feel love from a man. I'm not saying I'm gonna go out and have sex with the next guy I see, (ever sick), but waiting is wearying. I want to have those special glances and touches, the words meant for only me, the little notes I find after a beautiful evening. I want to be pursued, fought for, to share my beauty, to play an irreplaceable role. By the way, I just finished reading Captivating by John & Stasi Eldridge, so I might bring that stuff up a bit. It was an amazing book that taught me a lot of things. Mainly about healing wounds, no longer believing the lies I tell myself, claiming a beauty to share, and being needed as a woman.
*Sigh* I just want to be loved and to have my Question answered. Is that too much to ask?

At the end of the day, I'm okay because I know that I am one day, one hour, one minute, closer to meeting my Lord and Saviour. With every breath I take, I know He's given me one more breath with which to praise Him. Everytime I open my eyes, I know that He's blessed me with sight with which to see the beauty He's placed all around me. But at the end of the day, I pray for one more day, one more hour, one more minute to give to others the love He's given me. The love I'm not worthy of, but given gracefully and freely.

Welcome Boys

Well, I thought I'd say welcome to the people who are reading this. I didn't realize this spot was so popular or whatever. So, hello Jared, Mitch and Morgan. Uh, and Clint if he ever happens upon this blog. I don't think I have to worry about offending any of you, but just so you know, this is just a place for me to uncork the bottle of my range of emotions. I've also got a poetry blog, which you probably've already read (Morgan). I'm hoping that those will be a bit more upbeat and not so depressing. I just hope I remember how to write about happy things. haha.

In other news, church was AMAZING today. I mean, God might've had something to do with it, but I was highly impressed. Was God always this cool? I wish I'd known sooner. Would've saved a lot of trouble. But, God brought me through it because he knew I could handle it. He knew that these past years have and will continue to shape my testimony. I've been told so many times that I will help people deal with the very things I've struggled with. Sure it was encouraging, but I was angry and didn't understand why I had to feel the pain first. Now I know that, if I hadn't gone through all this, how would I be believable to the people I'm supposed to help? I wouldn't be able to say, Ya, I've been there too, if I hadn't. Man God rocks! I just can't begin to explain what a change I feel in my life. It's only been three day, but all it took was prayer. If people say prayer doesn't do anything, they are wrong. I know that prayer does change things. Everything the girls prayed about for me was right on, things only God knew about me. Things only he could get through to me about. Its weird, before, I would almost use my depression as an excuse. Now, I don't even identify myself as having it anymore. God told Eryn to pray that I'd be healed of my depression. She believed and prayed and I believe I was healed. It is no longer a part of me. Can I get an Amen?! AMEN! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! I'm so happy. No more masked happiness, no more forced happiness, just pure, God-sent happiness. I don't even remember what that used to feel like. I don't have to try and remember though, now I know. God never left me all those years. There was still a light of hope shining in the darkness. I gave the darkness permission to close in around me. No longer though. Satan will have no hold over me ever again! I have the authority of Jesus Christ and the power to break the chains he tries to entangle me in. Those chains are like sugar, easily dissolved by the Living water. I'll probably be talking about God a lot more on here and in life, so get used to it. I'm on fire and I never want to lose it. I was so ready to give up, to close my eyes to the light, now I'm so glad I held on just a bit longer. That ladder that was broken, has been restored, and I'm climbing towards the light. No, I'm surrounded by the light. The darkness has been demolished and banished from my life. I'm so excited for the year ahead of me. This is the year! (man I wish I knew that song! haha). I'd really appreciate prayer (I'm such a prayer hog) concerning plans for the fall. Just so you all know, I'm still planning on going to Jerusalem, but feel that now is not the time. I feel called to go to Bible school and dive into God's word. There's so much he has to teach me and I want to soak it up. I feel led towards Bethany, but also to Into His Harvest. I'm not sure where I'll go, but God knows. He will provide the answers and the finances. I would love to go to either of those schools, but I know I need to choose one. I know I just gotta trust God for patience, timing and understanding. I don't want to go back to my old life. I want there to be a noteable change in me. And I want it to stay. I don't want this to be just a spiritual high like after camp or something. I have a peace and reassurance that I've found something solid and concrete on which to build my faith upon. AH! I'm so excited about what God's doing in my life and in my friend's lives! I can't wait to see what He's got in store for me!

God Showed Up!

Okay, so this is pretty rough, I just copied it from an msn convo, but I think it's all there.

i helped Eryn and Dan haul stuff over to the christian acadamy and then we all (nic was there too) started talking out side. talked about a bunch of stuff, and dan was saying how God moves and jazz like that. something struck a chord with me, so we get in nic's van and follow Eryn around...anyways...
nic and i weren't even out of the drive way and i told her that i'd made an appointment with Gavin to get help for anorexia...we met up and were driving with Eryn and picked lana up. before lana Eryn said she felt a shiver or something, but didn't say what it was. so we get Lana and decide to go pray somewhere, for all the people who are coming to bridge on sunday
we did that, then Eryn said "i think Jo has a testimony" i was confused, thinking she meant like the whole, i grew up in a christian home yadda yadda...but i knew what she meant. so i told them what i'd told nic and they prayed for me. then we prayed for this tyler guy who was supposed to stay with Ty & Deb...they prayed for me again, this time against the power of satan in my life.
it was, to say the least, intense. they prayed about stuff i'd never told anyone. about lies i'd been hearing that no one else knew mattered.
then Eryn told me to lift my head up (i was cryin and hunched over with my head down) that God didn't condem me, but wants to lift me up. it was a struggle against the voices, but i lifted it up. once i did, i felt like i was on a mountain surrounded by sunlight. nicole told me i needed to declare that i am worthy of love and that i am beautiful. it was so hard to say those things out loud
finally i just yelled them out, along with telling Satan he had no power and a bunch of other things. Eryn, after prayer, said she'd seen a snake, brilliant orange in color. we don't know what it means, but we prayed against it too. also, that shiver she had, was a premonition or whatever that i would be healed from my depression!
man God is amazing! we drove around looking for the Tyler kid, but couldn't find him, so we went over to Helen Szpakowski's and had an intense prayer/prophesy time there. everyone was prayed over. God just revealed so much stuff to everyone and it was an amazing time.
for the first time in a long while, i smiled without forcing it. i ate, without hating myself. I truly believe God has healed me, but know too that I have a long road ahead because the Enemy doesn't want me to have this power, he's gonna try real hard to get it back.
i know that loving myself is going to take time and patience, but what i feel now i don't want to lose. i never want to feel unworthy or unbeautiful ever again.

Hallelujah!!!!!!!!!!!!

Real Pain From my Sham-Friends

I don't know if I should bother writing about this, but I feel I need to get it out. I don't even care anymore if I offend anyone. I'm done being passive. I am sick and tired of being left out of the loop. Would it kill you to pick up the phone and see if I'm interested in being included? It may surprise you, but I miss hanging out with people. I don't understand what's been going on lately, but it really feels and appears that I've lost the majority of my friends. Sure, we still see each other from time to time, but we've lost the closeness we had last year and over the summer. I know I don't go to school with you anymore, but I am still alive! I've made attempts at being included, but I'm either "forgotten" or feel awkward somehow. I just need to get out of this town. Start fresh. It sucked bad enough last year losing touch with most of my grad friends. Especially right after my grampa died. Thanks for the support guys. Now that I don't see people every day it's like I've dropped of the face of the earth. What sucks the most is: not having someone to confide in, finding out about a get-together from someone else after I said I was free to hang out tonight, but mostly, feeling abandoned. I told Morgan something I've never told anyone else last night. Normally I would've been able to tell one of my best friends that, but we've become distant, so I took the first life-line I could I guess. I'm glad we're close enough for me to have told him, but I wish I had someone I could tell everything to. Duh, the obvious, God. And yes, I do talk to him lots, but I need something/one physical. Face to face. I hate writing this all because I feel like I'm complaining so much or that I'm gonna push my friends farther away. Like I said, it needed to get out, so here it is. I'm actually really surprised no one's figured out what I told Morgan, since I've been writing a couple poems about it. I tried to disguise the issue, but really, it doesn't take a rocket-scientist to read between the lines. At least, I'd hoped it wouldn't. Whatever, I'll just keep dealing with it as best I can. I'm just sick of talking through a keyboard. I hope and pray that my plans for Bethany actually happen. And that I can wait til fall before I completely fall apart. Blah. I'll end my bash/rant now.

Score: Creativity 1, Writer's Block 0

That's right folks, I have reached my goal of writing 66 poems in 2006. There is a lot of diversity in the poems I've written in the past year. And, technically, I only began writing again in April of 06. (Not including poems from creative writing class in 2005). Only 9 more until I reach 100 overall. Hmm, 9 is my favorite number. Cool. The poems have showcased the rollercoaster of emotions I've been through this year. There are your obvious depressing ones and their counter-happy ones. Ones of promises made and broken, hearts broken and mended, spiritual insights, the "scary" ones as mom calls them, ones to remember and honour loved ones, the odd random thought ones, plus a few songs. I'm sure I'm forgetting some, but I really don't feel like categorizing each one atm. I'm so happy to have accomplished this. Even though I just thought up this concept like a week ago maybe, I was able to set a goal that was manageable and acheivable. I should do that more often; so many times I set goals that overwhelm me when I try and get them, without giving thought to the work needed to go in to them.
So yeah, uh, WOOT!

Thanks Ryan very much for the scarf, mitts and body spray. I LOVE the scent. And the other stuff is so soft, and matches my jacket better than my bright pink scarf. I laughed a bit when I read what the bottle says, "Spritz-on seductiveness with dazzling Neroli Jasmin scent". I didn't know you could spritz on seductiveness. Who knew? I can never find a perfume that I like that doesn't make me choke or bore me. You found a great one. Plus, I love Body Shop stuff.
I also got a 2 disc James Blunt cd from Uncle Ted. It has the regular "Back to Bedlam" cd and the other disc is his Live in Ireland enhanced with video and making of Goodbye My Lover. Good cd. I didn't know that such good music could come from such an obvious pothead. Wow, so much drug connotations. Some of the ideas in the songs are pretty crazy, but good nonetheless. The day was long with the obligitory underlying stress and tension. Chocolates and a scary movie are my new remedy to battle depression. Good stuff. Gets that adrenaline pumping.

Happy New Year to you all. Still not sure what I'll do. Maybe nothing, maybe a bit of everything. Yeah right. Probably nothing. Well, off to waste more time on the internet.
WOOT again!

PS I got new glasses as well! They look very similar to my old ones, just smaller frames. And the lenses are compressed, although it doesn't really look that way. Yeah, I'm pretty blind. I'm still getting used to them though. My eyelashes keep brushing against them, quite annoying.

WOOT WOOT!

Get Lost!

Hey, I was just invited to play this game by another person on a forum. Its to see how we're all connected. I know its just one more form to fill out or whatever, but I think it could be fun. Will you join me?

http://www.lost.eu/12296 I get points for every person I invite. So, come on, help me out.

Merry Christmas!

Bah Humbug Anyone?

Why do we even bother anymore? Christmas has become a mockery of the reason for the season. We took the gifts of the wise men and turned it into greed and materialism.

So, we opened gifts tonight. Let me back up a bit though. On the way to the church, dad asked, "Does it feel like Christmas to you Jo?" Hmm...let me see, no. It hasn't for the past 5 years. "Not really" I replied. "Why not?" "It just doesn't." Good answer. >.<>
We got home and I wanted to get things started but had to wait while he checked his messages, bids online, other such wastes of time. Why must a person ask "What's this?" when he gets a box, wrapped up, that is in a rectangular shape? Just open the blasted thing already! Find out, don't ask a billion questions. Why must you prolong this agony? I'm so sick of Christmas with the family, and it only lasted about 2 hours. And there were only three people here. yikes, try quadrupling that and you'll get the festivities of Saturday yet to come. Oh well, I got some good gifts from mom and had some delicious egg nog (non-alcoholic, watered down with skim milk, of course).

This is what I've got, thus far (all from mom): A hand-knit sweater, wellness light up alarm clock (sun-lamp idea), Santa Claus Is Coming To Town dvd (YAY), Lighthouse calendar. And for my "hope"(less) chest: set of 4 plates, small containers, 3 dish towels, cook book, partylight tea set. Now I just have to get a nice chest. And a prospect of a husband. Or maybe I'll start out with a boyfriend. That'd probably be the wisest route. Oh and Robin got me a really nice wooden box. I've got to find something to put in it, but I'm sure something will fill it.

Now to dream of the delicious cinnamon buns I'll be consuming in the morn. Or whenever I happen to wake up.

Merry Christmas, happy new year and happy boxing day (its the 26th in Korea already).

O Christmas Tree

Well, it seems as though the Christmas bug has bitten me. I just put up our tree. It's sparkling with its fibre-optic branches, standing on a table, (to bolster its self-esteem, of course), with a few presents underneath. Its kinda nice not having to compete with five other kids to see who's got the most presents. It's just between mom and I now. It still doesn't really feel like Christmas, just like another day, with the addition of a tree and gifts. But, isn't that what we've come to regocnize Christmas as? It will be interesting to see how long it takes until the kitten knocks the tree down, or tears into the presents.

Only 5 more poems to go til I have 66 in 06. 11 more after that if I want to have a total of 100. I should probably get back to my busy schedule of doing absolutely nothing. It takes a lot out of me. I just don't know how I do it. I'm just amazing like that.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good life. (being as it is not of the nocturnal persuasion yet.)

66 in 06?

So, I've written 56 poems this year. Shall I try for 66? I think I shall. Could be fun. Holy crap, Christmas day is a week away. hehe that rhymed. I bought a calligraphy set yesterday and am loving learning how to write all pertyfull. I made some Christmas cards and have wrote out some poems, although they all ended up in the garbage. Turns out the ink is a wee bit permanent. Oops. The stress of Christmas has begun, dad and I are fighting again. Yay. I really would just rather open gifts on Christmas Eve and sleep the next day. Then save the rest of the stress for the 30th. That's gonna be a loud day. I can feel it. Sigh. Only two more weeks working full time! I start working afternoons only in January and am quite excited about that. I'll also be taking a correspondence course in Feb. I think it's Orientation to Childcare or something like that. I'll have to spend three weekends in S'toon, not sure how I'll get there, but it should be good. It'll be good to have some education under my belt to fall back on. There's so much I'll be able to go into with that. I just hope I can actually do it. I better, it costs $800 just to register. Yikes. Well, I can't think of anything else to ramble about, so I'll be off. To what? Who knows.

"Worst Episode Ever"

Bleh. Yesterday, was possibly one of the worst days of my life. I went to work feeling like crap and got yelled at for "sitting too much and not taking care of the kids". My co-worker went so far as to take her accusations to the new Exec. Director of the Door. He called me into his office and showed me what she'd written. Of course, now that I've let myself cry, my fears of not being able to stop have come true. I broke down and was overwhelmed by everything that was going on. I was 98% ready to quit my job so that I wouldn't have to put up with all the drama. Then I thought, Where would I go? I don't have any training or secondary education. I won't work in fast food ever again as long as I can help it. Where in Meadow Lake would hire me without any credentials and such inexperience? So Bill and I decided to talk again on Wednesday with the new Director of Tiny Treasures, Lila Schwing. Yeah. When I found out she's the new dir., I thought, I really don't need another reason to quit. I'm sure she's good at what she does, but I've never got along with her, or felt comfortable around her. I suppose we'll see how she does, but the other girls aren't too excited about it either. Could be tense for awhile longer. We'll be deciding if it would be best for me to start working there part time to give myself some time to stress relieve. So, whatever, I went back to work and vented to Val. Good times, she really helped. I also called my mom and cried to her. And then talked again when I got home.

Today, I was feeling just as bad, but went to work. Amy was, amazing. She completely understands what I'm going through and isn't upset that I've missed work or haven't been feeling good. She just wants me to get the answers I need and get back to my normal self. Me too. She let me stay in the preschool's room so I wouldn't have to deal with Sherry. Goooood. Yet, I still had a few run-ins with her. She told me I couldn't go to the dr. because she had an appointment. Amy came in right after her and said to listen to her, not to Sherry. Obviously. So, I did go to the clinic. And waited two hours. Of course I saw a dr who hasn't been involved with what's been happening the last month, so I had to explain everything again. She looked at my chart and kinda got a better picture. She told me to go off the pill and just take Provera (Progesterone) again. This really upset me because Dr. Johnson prescribed this about two or three weeks ago and it didn't do anything to stop the bleeding. I don't understand why they'd give me something that didn't work. I'm glad in a way to go off the pill because it and the patch have screwed up my depression. I can handle when I have mood swings, because I know that with every low swing, there'll be a happy time after. Not the case this time. It's all been low times. And times have gotten pretty scary close to "the old times". Hopefully when my body gets rid of all the drugs I've been putting into it, things will rebalance themselves. I don't worry too much when I feel like quitting my job, its when I start considering quitting life that I get concerned.

I guess what I'm trying to get down to is a prayer request. I've identified four or more battles that I'm fighting. Physical, Emotional, Mental, Spiritual (PEMS hehe), occupational, and the good ol' reliable domestic battle. I don't know what else to do anymore but ask for prayer. The physicians aren't giving me answers, so I'll take the advice of my big sister and ask the Physician who has all the answers and healing powers I need. Plus, venting on here helps a bit too. ^.^ Yeah, prayer would be appreciated.

80th Post!

Yup, this is post number 80. Its almost sad that I've spent so much time pouring my heart out to a screen lit by a flourescent bulb. I was reminded tonight that December sees the most recorded "encounters" with depression and suicide. Whoohoo. Why don't we rub it in a bit more? I started tricyclin-lo (sp?) today. Maybe I'm just having a down mood. I sure hope the side effects aren't that immediate. That would suck hard core. I was also sort of reminded that I'm glad I backed out of the Jr Youth retreat. Jr teen girls are mean. No wonder I hated jr high so much. I really don't need to be made to feel worse about myself by people younger than me. I definately don't need that added on to everything else. I just didn't think it'd be cool to haul all my meds out there and possibly face unintentional rude/ignorant questions. Plus, I need all the sleep I can get. I really need to get energy back and stop getting wiped out so easily. Stupid loss of iron. I'm starting to enjoy work more. On Friday I chatted with Amy and Sherry about my experience with depression and apparently really encouraged Amy. That's pretty cool. Man, she's so close to giving her life to God, it's really cool. I hope that I can help her with any questions or just be an example to her. Suppose I should start giving God more credit for the good he's done in my life and stop complaining so much. That would be a good example eh? One step at a time. So, I broke down and cried last night. Good ol' Million Dollar Baby. It was a good cry. I didn't think I'd ever stop, and had a lot of trouble breathing, which made me feel nauseous and gave me a tummy ache all night. But I think it was worth getting some of it out. Believe me, it's not all out. I should do that more often. As sick and soggy as I felt, overall it felt much better to release stuff. I really didn't expect to write all this. I just wanted to say the thing about Depressing December. I need to sleep so I can get up for work tomorrow.

Kirsten, thanks for being my crying poetry buddy.

I'm Such A Nerd...

So, I just spent an entire day writing my 60th poem. It's a long sucker. Rather depressing too. Or is that depressingly true? Yeah, that's it. Except, I'm not dead yet. Yeah.

Uhm...so, birth control pills. How's that for ya? I guess we'll see what wacky side effects these give me. Whoohoo, sounds exciting. Wow, I really miss having Braden around. We're big nerds together. And its okay. So, turns out I probably won't be going anywhere til next fall at least. I'm mostly okay with that; I just wish I could go somewhere else for the holidays. But hey, we're having "fun with the Metz family" this Christmas. Should be good times. I'm pretty much done my shopping now. Gotta love Midnight Madness. But I think some of the kid's clothes might not fit. Oh well, they can grow into/out of them and pass them on I'm sure. I just have to figure out how to get Cory's present and how to send it to him.

Well, good night dear readers.

...But That's Not The Way It Works...

What is normal anymore? I just want things to go back to "normal". To when my biggest concerns were passing a test I didn't study for. When I didn't have to worry about bleeding, fainting, or being on multiple drugs. When I didn't have to fake a smile so as not to worry others. When I didn't know the emotional scars of abuse. Or the physical scars of self harm. When I could have my fears and concerns put to rest by a good talk. When, if I started to cried, I wouldn't fall completely apart. But, what is normal? Was that? Is this now what I need to accept as normal?

"And I just pray/My problems go away if they're ignored" (When I Go Down by Relient K)
Isn't that what I've been doing? Bottling everything up and ignoring it, hoping that it will just go away. I've been stuffing everything into a bottle and shoving it to the farthest reaches of my mind, not realizing that at some point, the bottle will become fuller than its capacity and break. Then, not only will I have to deal with everything I've been trying not to deal with, I'll have to pick up the broken pieces as well. I guess that's why the next line in the song is, "But that's not the way it works/No that's not the way it works"

Sigh. I'm still FINE though. Just so you know.

It's The Inside That Counts

Have you ever been told you look nice on the inside, but not because of your personality? I have, by Dr Jake, today during yet another ultrasound on my ovaries. So, if I look so nice on the inside, why all the pain and bleeding? And I'm not talking figuratively. I'm glad that I'm "normal and healthy", but I can't stand the unexplained. If there were something concrete, like a tumor or a cyst or whatever, to blame all this on, I might be able breathe a little easier. I'm not saying I would want to go through the horrors of cancer or anything, but give me something to work with! If all this boils down to is "depression", I might punch someone. I don't understand how something that attacks the spirit can have such an immense effect on the body.

Anyways, thats getting me nowhere but frustrated.

So, Youth tonight. Where do I begin? The first few words out of Nicole's mouth were a cut down. Great way to start the night after I'd missed you and wanted to talk. Then we sang some songs. That was really nice, I needed time to just praise God and listen to the voices of others. We listened to Relient K "Which to bury, us or the hatchet?" and "Let it all out". We were supposed to write down all the connections to relationships we noticed in the songs. I was okay until the memories that are attached to those songs came flooding back. Ironic, since a line in the first song is about keeping the bad (memories) and forgetting the good. Its also kind of ironic since after talking about what we all learned, most people connected the songs to a "God-ship", or a dating relationship. I can see their side of it, but I've always connected them to a different relationship. Can you guess which one? Good ol' daddy dearest. "
"And know that I don't hate you/And know that I don't want to fight you/And know I'll always love you/But right now I just don't (like you)"
"So what does it mean to say that? Or to hear that?" Rob asked. Try how does it feel to live that and not be able to say it? As much as my dad has hurt me, I don't hate him; as much as he provokes a fight, I don't want to win or reciprocate; I will always love him, he's my dad; but sometimes, I just have trouble finding the love.
Ian: stop being so agrivating. Don't read a book pretending you're not interested in what everyone else is doing, make a random half-started comment and then tell me to shut up. And if you didn't hear what we had to say, do say "explain" and expect us to fill you in everytime. Pay attention or don't say anything at all.

I'm over tired, angry, and basically just FINE. Go figure. And remember, "It's what's on the inside that counts!"

Pregnancy Tests For Everybody!

Well I had an exciting evening. I came home from work feeling like crap. I was woozie and light headed. So I layed on the couch. Obviously. I got up to go to the bathroom and found out I'd started my period, again. It "stopped" yesterday morning. I've been bleeding continuously for nearly two weeks now. Its not the greatest feeling let me tell you. So, I decided instead of feeling like crap all night and all day at work tomorrow until I could sit in the walk-in clinic, I would go to the hospital and get things straightened out. I went there around 8, waited for about 20 min or so and then was shown to a room. I gave a urine sample, and layed down to wait for a doctor to come in. So I read. The nurse brought me some Naprosin for the cramps. It helped mostly, and thankfully. I continued to read until about 10:15 when the Dr came in. He's a really good doctor, just hard to understand with his East Indian accent. I tried explaining everything and he did the same; it took us both a few tries to understand each other. He told me I should stop using the patch and switch to "the pill". He also upped my dosage of progesterin to 20mg. Yay, more hormones to screw around with. It was kinda weird because one of the first things he said to me was "Your pregnancy tests came back negative. Is there any chance you could be pregnant?" I was like, what? I came in here bleeding and you think I'm pregnant?! Crazy. So I was told to go home and take the drugs he gave me and to fill the perscription tomorrow. Not only do I get more hormones, I get to spend more money. Money on pills that might not even fixt the problem, or might not even be the right thing for whatever it is I have. I'm just waiting for Wednesday so I can have yet another ultrasound to check my womanly bits. Maybe this time they'll figure out what to do with me.

But we can all rest assured that I am not pregnant.