An Ode to Warriors

I've been doing some reading and thinking of Christlike Warriors. The guys who have encouraged and inspired the women in their life to find a deeper relationship with their heavenly Prince. When I first started reading "Authentic Beauty" by Eric and Leslie Ludy, I wondered, are there really any Warrior Poets left in this day and age? That was the reading part. As I read, about the qualities and examples of Warrior Poets through the centuries, God brought to mind a few young men I've come in to contact with who display similar qualities. These guys are amazing friends. I enjoy the times we've spent together at church, youth group, Bible study, or just haning out and having a fun time. I've never felt the societal pressures of "hooking up" with any of these Christlike young men. They're just guys who have shared and taught me things they've learned in their own personal walk with God. Another thing I learned from that book, was that guys aren't often told of the good things they do. We as women, need to encourage them to become stronger warriors. Encourage them when they show consideration for others, when they choose to protect a sister, mother, or any woman. Because I don't know how many of the Christlike warriors in my own life will read this, I plan to start encouraging them when I see the opportunities. If any of you girls are looking for a good read, not just a novel, but something that makes you think about the choices you make in relationships and life, I definately recommend "Authentic Beauty". I have a copy if you'd like to borrow it.

Fun

I had a pretty Deadly McCool day today. Church was awesome, the best worship time in quite awhile. For me at least. Pastor Tyler addressed a tough but neccessary issue. Being comfortable in our faith and still expecting the Holy Spirit to do things in our lives. Sure, great things can happen, but if we're so comfortable that we don't want to go to the next level (ie raising people from the dead), it's not going to happen. I don't want that to happen in my life. It was for awhile recently, but then I asked God to increase my faith, and guess what, he did! Along with that faith has come peace and joy. I like having those two things around. It's a nice change from worry and depression. I had to leave church early because I was going to Cold Lake with Robin and the Handspiker family. I must admit, I never thought I'd be going shopping with a teacher and his family that wasn't on a school trip. haha, it was so much fun though. Todd and Janice are so funny. The kids rock too. We hit up the mall and good ol' Wal-Mart. I didn't find everything I was looking for, but got a sweet toque and mom's Christmas present. I was unsure of buying it, because I didn't know if Holly would've bought it or the other thing she wanted. Luckily, Holly called tonight so I got to ask her which item she'd got mom and we bought the opposite things, so it's all good. Plus, now mom will get both the things she asked for. It was a fun day.

Never Too Old To Learn

Lately I've been thinking of all the things God has been teaching me, especially in this last year. I've been done school for awhile now, but I haven't stopped learning. I've had some amazing teachers this year. I find it amazing that Apostles and Prophets who are known around the world would want to come and speak in to my life. Of course, they didn't come just for me, but things they said have made an impact, or at least have made me think. I've been thinking a lot about what to do with my life. Do I go to school? Where? I could always just accept the advice and pressure coming from my church. But I don't want to go just because that's what everyone is telling me to do. I want it to be an investment not a nightmare. Another thing is, there is no way I can even afford to go right now. I owe over $200 to my mom for rent and shopping things. And as of tomorrow, I no longer have a steady (ha) source of income. I emailed my resume again for a food service worker at the hospital. It pays $15.24, so I can't really argue with that. And I have my safe food course cert. so it's not like I'm not qualified. I've been enjoying baking/cooking more lately, so maybe this would be the perfect job for me. Plus, it's not like I'd have to walk far! Although, I might have to wear a hairnet. haha. I just pictured it. Glamorous. Of course, nothing is definate, seeing as how I literally just sent the email about 20 minutes ago. So, according to that my life goes like this: job, then school (maybe). Another thing I've been looking at is YWAM. Thanks to Robin. No really, thanks Robin. Who knows, maybe we'll go to Jamaica together. I've been itching to get back on stage and this would be a great way to hone my skills. The course in Jamaica is a Performing Arts one, acting, music and dancing. Three of my favorite things. The other being Facebook of course. haha jk. Kinda. Wow, this started out how I wanted it to and then took off on a rabbit trail. Oh well, my mind is kind of a rabbit trail these days. Again, prayer is appreciated concerning job and other such life choices. Thanks!

Inside the Fishbowl

Yikes, a month since posting. Sorry about that. I'm not exactly sure who I'm apologizing to, since I doubt anyone is still reading this. Oh well. Anyways, I'm back from BC. My parents and I went to visit Holly, Cory and Tyson for the long weekend. We got there and somehow due to time change and shopping, forgot to eat anything for lunch. By suppertime we were pretty hungry. We had some awesome pizza with Cory's parents. Tyson is sure a cutie. I held him a bit, and he actually smiled at me. And it wasn't even gas! I spent my nights at Cory's parent's so I could sleep in a bed and not on the couch. Everyone was talking up this bed, how amazingly comfortable it was going to be, the best bed in the world, yadda yadda. Well, it was okay. It was set up in the room on the opposite side that I'm used to sleeping on, so that threw me off. And I had really weird dreams everytime I slept there. The first night I had a demon-panther that I had to get rid of. I don't usually have nightmares, so this was a bit odd. I like Holly & Cory's church, a lot like E-Free. There was this one old man, I never did get a look at him, who enthusiastically said Amen after a lot of things that were said. That made me smile. Because of the time change, I walked into church when the Bridge would've been getting out. Unless Pastor Tyler spoke extra long. haha. Mom and I took Tyson for a walk in the afternoon down to the Okanagan lake. There were a lot of seagulls and ducks. The ducks were quite friendly and got really close to me. We took pictures of the Giant Peach, too bad James wasn't there, and the water, mountains and trees. Somehow, over the entire weekend, I didn't take one picture of Tyson. Good thing mom was a shutterbug. Monday, we didn't have any power, so Kathy & I went over to Holly's, where there was power. There were a lot of trees down, and huge winds. Even some billboards were snapped off. We went to the mall for lunch and it was packed. Probably a lot of people without power who couldn't cook anything for lunch. We did some shopping and then headed back to Holly's. On the first night we were there, three of them suggested I move out there and get a job. I enjoyed the visit, but living there would not work out. I couldn't handle the mountains being all around me. I couldn't look for miles because there was this big rock blocking the way. I like the prairies. The flight back was good, my ears didn't even hurt at all. Maybe I'll fly more often. Well, as long as someone else is paying. ha. So, it was a good weekend. I bought some clothes and somehow managed to not spend very much. Possibly because mom paid for most of it and I have to pay her back. PS, I gave my two weeks notice before we left, so I'll be unemployed on the 30th. Pray that I'll find a good job soon. I've sent my resume to two places and will continue to check the postings on the net. I'm so happy to be home.

Just An Update

Hmm, it's been awhile. I'm home again. I had been housesitting for Carmen & Daune again while they were in PEI. It was alright. I had lots of time to do nothing, so that's what I did. I had some good hangout times too. Robin and I had a sleepover and a lovely picnic. It was fun. Carmen & Daune decided to come home early, which scared the crap out of me. a) I hadn't cleaned anything, except doing the dishes. b) Carmen popped around the corner as soon as I came in. It was kinda awkward to spend the night there while they were there. Oh well, I survived. Then, I worked Tuesday and Wednesday. It was alright, I missed Dylan, but not his incessant crying or the housework. Wednesday night Holly called to tell us she was being induced! Tyson Karch Hilditch was born at 6:04am on Thursday, Oct. 11, 2007. After hearing the news, I finished packing and then headed to Red Deer for a women's conference. It was so amazing! Seeing women worship together, as one, was so powerful. The speakers did an excellent job, sharing so many truths and tips and stories about their lives. I really enjoyed travelling with Jessie and Natanis. We had a lot of good talks, they shared their experiences with me and we shared lots of laughs as well. Last night, Kyros started up. It is a group of grade 12 - age 24 doing a study of Romans. I can't remember the exact vision statement, but that's what it is. It was really good last night. We had a small group, but God still showed up. It was just an introductory night, so Eryn and Caleb, the leaders, explained what it is, what we'll be doing, etc. Then we sang some worship songs and had a time of prayer and prophecy. People say you can't pray if you have to pee, but that doesn't mean God can't give you a word for someone on your way to the bathroom! (That happened to me). We had a good time of fellowship and eating delicious cookies that Eryn made. So, that's about all I can think of for this update.

Invasion

Okay, so last night, I watched The Invasion. It's a movie about an alien "flu" that makes people pretty much walking zombies. This flu desensitizes them and makes them less-than-human. As I was watching some of the scenes, with people getting harrassed by police, hit by cars, even killed, I hardly flinched. So what's the difference then? Between our world and the world in the movie? Other than the fact that their lack of sensitivity was due to a viral war, and ours is, what? "Evil", the media, constant war? I thought it was sad that I had become so uncaring and shock proof. But, isn't that exactly the point, whether conciously or not, that the movie was trying to get across? I don't know, but for some reason, I feel robbed or that my morals and values have been violated.

Sicklyness

Once again, my head is full of snot, rather, emptying itself of the snot. I'm confused, I haven't been sick with the flu or a cold for probably at least six months. Seriously, for me that's a record. It's been really nice not having to call in sick, except for a few times (unrelated). Then this week, BAM!, I get hit with the flu. It started on Monday with a regular sore throat. I thought, fine, it'll be gone in a few days, drink lots of fluids! Tuesday, went to work feeling like crap, somehow got through the day, came home, curled up on the couch and immediately started shaking with cold. I went to the clinic, "It might be strep, probably just viral", throat swab *gag*. No help there. Wednesday I woke up with absolutely no voice. I didn't go to work that day, I felt really bad as it was the last day before Carmen & Daune left for their vacation, and I knew she still had some stuff that needed to get done. I basically had the couch attached to me that day. Thursday early morning (4am), I thought my ear was going to burst. There was so much pain and pressure, I could hardly handle it. Apparently, crying doesn't help the situation either. Once again, I went to the clinic. This time, "Oh, there's some fluid in your ear, it's possibly infected. Here's some drugs, but you don't need them yet." Great. Throughout this process, Tylenol had become a very dear friend. I've also had a ranging temperature all week, leaving me either freezing (when it's high) or sweating, because I'd layered on to stop the chills. This morning I was feeling quite warm, took some Tylenol, I don't really remember calling mom. I've used a LOT of kleenexes, for both my nose and my eye. About 7pm, I was attacked by the chills again. No matter how tight I curled up under the blankets, I couldn't get warm. So I called mom, and we eventually went to the hospital. Waited an hour there, and was told that now it's a full blown sinus infection, to fill the perscription (thanks), and that the chills (which is what I'd gone in for) was just from the fever. So, tomorrow, I get to go buy drugs, know any good sources? Just kidding! Well, my hearing has lessened, but my voice has returned mostly, although now I sound really stuffed up. It sucks that I missed out on both Bible studies this week, I was really looking forward to them. Oh well, I shouldn't get tuckered out. Which means I should probably go to bed and hope for more than four hours. Prayers would be nice.

End of Birthday Week

Well, the celebrations are over. I'm pretty tuckered out.

Saturday we went out to Jennifer & Dwayne's for the bonfire & supper. Dwayne nearly got blown up, but supper was delicious. We played with the kittens and blew bubbles a lot.

Today, only us girls went out to Mustus. We had a blast. We had yummy subs, good conversations, a sweet photo shoot and played some bocci ball. Silly Italians. On the way home, near Tosh, we picked up Merle and drove him to Waterhen. It would've taken him so long to walk all that way! Crazy.

I can't wait to start housesitting again. I've got plans with Robin & Nancy to hang out, so as to not make me lonely, so that should be good times. Plus, I'll maybe get some sanity back. I really need to get out of Meadow Lake, or maybe just this house.

Best Birthday

Well, I am offically 20 years old. It was my birthday yesterday and this is what happened. I woke up and checked my "wall". The birthday well wishes had begun to pile up. Some people left some during the week, making it feel like a true birthday week. Which is a really great idea, Kath. :) After replying to the posts, I went and had a luxurious bubble bath. When I got back to my room, I had two messages on my cell. A text from "Eryn" (more later), and Daune asking me to come in at 10. Well, it was already ten after, so that wasn't going to happen. So, I got ready and went to work early. It started out pretty normal, and then all heck broke loose. Daune left, Carmen had been called into work, Dylan was confused. They've both been in and out of the house this week, so he's gotten used to seeing them more. They were both gone and he was mad. So, I tried to put him to sleep. Eventually he fell asleep, and slept for an hour while I got the housework done. He woke up crying and continued to cry for 45 minutes. During this, I tried to put him back to sleep but he wouldn't give in. Daune came home, so I passed him off to him. We started making lunch, he was rubbing his eyes and nearly falling asleep in his highchair, so once again I tried to put him to sleep. More crying. Carmen came home, and we sat down while her and Daune ate. Then, Carmen pulled the carrot cake out of the fridge, gave the "nod" to Daune. They sang me Happy Birthday and we ate the extremely sweet, overly iced (but delicious) cake. I took Dylan for a walk, came home (his), put him to bed, and did the dishes. Eryn called and said Happy birthday. "For the third time", "What?" "You texted me this morning" "Uh, no I didn't" "Oh...That's Pastor Ty's number, oops. I replied 'Thanks Eryn'" Many laughs. Dylan didn't sleep very long, which was fine, since I had nothing to do. He cried for another half hour until I turned on Treehouse. Then we played peekaboo around the kitchen/livingroom. He always enjoys that. Carmen came home, paid me and I headed over to the football game. I couldn't stay long, but I did see Chris and Phil.

I got home and there was a rose from dad, and then mom gave me her present. The complete set of Madame Alexander's Wizard of Oz dolls, McDonald's style. Muzzer and I went out for supper and I got free desert. Mmm. I came home and was waiting for Kirsten & Tiff to call me so we could hang out. I called Kirsty's house, but they'd just left. A few minutes later they were at my house. We began walking to Bean There and I called Eryn telling her where I'd be at 8:30, our agreed time to being our hang out time. We had our drinks and conversation, then called Eryn, saying we were ready to leave. Then we waited. For a long time. haha. Finally, she came and we headed in the direction of Kirsten's house. She was going to "go home and sleep". We passed her street, and then turned down a back alley. Eryn likes to go driving, with no destination, so I wasn't too concerned. Then we pulled into her driveway, because Kirsten and Tiffany wanted to see her house. But, Eryn locked herself out. She rang the doorbell, and the door was magically unlocked. "Oh, I hope there's not a bunch of people going to jump out and scare me." The first thing I saw was a big "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" banner, and then Nancy, Aaron & Clint pop up and say "Surprise!" I was so happy and excited and, surprised. We hung out for a bit, and then more people started showing up. I got a sweet card from Jenna, a picture album and bubbles from Eryn, and some money from Karrissa. We played some games, and mostly hung out and had good times. When most of the people were gone, we decided to go bounce a ball down mainstreet. It was just Eryn, Nancy, Tay & I left. Only Taylor and Nancy actually chased the ball, Eryn and I stayed in the car. We lost one, and managed to keep the smaller one. Tay went home, and we went to Sev, then home. It was a great evening and I felt really special. That's the first surprise party I've had. I've always wanted one.

So now I'm no longer a teenager, but the celebrations aren't over yet. Tonight we're having supper at Jenn & Dwayne's and a bonfire. Tomorrow, after church, Muzzer, Fajah, Eryn & Nancy & I are going out to Mustus to have some foods and fun. I'm actually pretty wiped out, I've done something til late hours every night of the week and I'm not used to staying up late anymore. Oh well, it's good practise for when I'm housesitting again this week for three weeks. Wow, I'm twenty and I don't even have a valid learner's liscence. I'm cool.

Housesitting

Well, I've been living at Carmen & Daune's for over 24 hours now. Pretty much all I've done is watch the extended edition of The Lord of the Rings. Pretty intense. There are actually quite a few scenes added to it that uh, add to it. I had an amazing sleep last night. It was delicious. I'm pretty bored now. I have to buy food too, they're not going to be back til probably Friday. I guess I won't be working with Dylan this week. And yet, I'm still at their house. It's kinda weird being here without them. I guess it's practice for when they go to the East coast later in the month. I'll be here again then. I think I'll be at their house more than my own this month. I'm okay with that right now. Other than clothes & such, nothing is there for me. Tomorrow, I'm going to a ladies Bible study at Lorenda's. It should be interesting. It will be nice to be around girls my own age. I love the ladies at church, they've all made me feel really welcome there, but I do miss people my own age too. If anyone wants to come visit, that'd be awesome! I'm getting kinda lonely, and it hasn't been that long. I'm such a baby haha. I'm going to see if I can have another amazing sleep. Blog ya later!

Awesome Day!

I just had a super great day. I needed a day like this. Maybe there's been others, and I've been too stressed to notice. Today, though, today was rejuvenating. Church was so awesome. The presence of God was flowing through that place so much during the worship time and the message. We had some awesome testimonies. I was going to say one, but once again, I stayed in my seat.
I was going to say that I've been searching for the next step in my life. The next direction. I've told Carmen & Daune that I will stay on with them this fall. I made a commitment to stay, and keeping that has already shown to be challenging. This past week was pretty horrible spiritually and emotionally. So many times I was very close to calling it quits. I felt like I couldn't handle this job, that I wasn't good enough to take care of this very challenging, very special child. I was frustrated and tired and overwhelmed. Where would I go? Every idea was unappealing or a dead end. Am I stuck then? Maybe, but prehaps being stuck is a good thing right now. Not being stuck, but sticking with something. Actually, for once, doing something I said I would do. So, why should I let Satan discourage me? I shouldn't and I won't! This job was a complete Godsend, and I'm not giving up that easily. I guess my step of faith comes in taking a step in trusting God to provide for me here in Meadow Lake. This is where I am. I can't expect God to do something for me in another country, if I'm not there too. Until I am there, wherever "there" is, I'll take another step in trusting him to prepare my way. Hallelujah! Our God is so great!

After church, I took Jenna, Laura and KP out for lunch. Jenna & Laura really liked the service and are talking about coming to FRESH on Friday. I'm so excited for those girls and what God is doing in their lives. We had a great time at lunch, lots of laughs and good conversation. The afternoon was pretty relaxing. Not much happened.
Around seven, Nancy came and we went to...Bean There!!! It's open again, finally! It looks great, smaller, but great considering the time it took. Nancy & I were so excited to be there. All summer we've been wanting it to be open so we could go for coffee. A&W just doesn't cut it. We then headed over to the theatre, on a tip from Jared Fingler who told us that Robin got a job there today. I really wanted to see her, so we dropped in. We were going to rent a movie, but decided to watch the one there, since it was just about to start and both of us wanted to see it. We saw "No Reservations". Amazing. I loved it, and if I hadn't been with other people, I probably, definately maybe would've been bawling my eyes out! I love sad/happy/so predictable movies. Good chick flick. 5 stars for sure! Plus, we got free popcorn & pop. And...there's more. We got a tour of the upstairs. I was so pumped. There's not really all that much up there, but I was happy to have seen it.

Tomorrow, I'll be at Carmen & Daune's house, sitting on it. I hope it doesn't rain on me. I'll be there til possibly Wednesday/Thursday. I'll still be checking Facebook & such, just no msn. Give me a call or drop by! I'll be glad for the company.
I had an awesome day. In case you hadn't noticed.

At A Loss For Words

I'm playing the game of Life, and I don't know what my next step is. Perhaps I need to take a leap of faith. I just hope my faith doesn't take me over the edge of a cliff.

Insert Title Here

So, I'm not moving in with Eryn anymore. I have many mixed emotions about that. Right now, it seems like unfulfilled plans have become a strong pattern in my life. I planned to go to Jerusalem, no go. Planned to go to Bethany, no, then Nipawin, no again. People still ask me if I'm ever going to Jerusalem. Right now, not in the near or even remotely distant future. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life anymore. I have hope for a plan that I would love to see come to fruition, but honestly, I don't want to tell anyone because I'm tired of making plans then not doing them and having people ask me if I'm still going to do them. I'm so frustrated and overwhelmed right now. I don't know what my next step is going to be. I don't have the patience to just hang here in limbo! I just want to scream, but that wouldn't solve anything. Then again, neither does this rant.

The Rest of Ontario

Okay, so I figured I'd update you on what actually happened from Sunday til now.
Sunday night: Kath & I got ready, then drove to Port Dalhousie. After a few wrong turns that is. haha. She showed me around some of the surrounding bars, stopped in at the Kilt and Clover for a drink and pee, before heading to The Lions where we met up with Trish the Dish and Jay. Trish is SUPER FUN! I love her. She has a cute accent. We went in, got a drink and found a table for the band's next set. Mod Squad was on, and they played a bunch of Brit songs. I knew about three of them. It was still good though. I had lots of fun on our Girl's Night.
Monday: Out to Aurora to have fun in the pool with the fam. And it was a lot of fun! I got burnt pretty badly, but at least it evened out my odd back tan. I was sore the next day. I loved hanging out with the Gouldens, it was very relaxing. Eric & Karen have a huge house! I liked it.
Tuesday: Mom & Dad and I went to Niagara on the Lake to do a winery tour. We went to Peller Estates. It was interesting and the wine was delicious! I loved the icewine the best. I guess it was just the fruit wine that I didn't like, and red wine. So, I enjoyed myself, and Muzzer got sick. Some people just can't hold their alcohol! haha. After that, we took the very scenic route to the shopping part of NotL. We shopped a bit, ate some food and then left. We found out that if we had turned right instead of left, it would've taken us about 5 minutes to get there. Lovely driving skills, dad. We had another bbq at Ryan & Kath's, then headed down to Niagara Falls, NY for some American shopping. It was fun, and I picked up on the accents, embarrassing myself only once. We got back in one piece and said our goodbyes. *Tear* Actually, I didn't even cry. But Ryan did lift me a few inches off the ground!
Wednesday: We went to the Pen Centre shopping mall, and did some good damage. I think I'm a shopaholic. Actually, I know I am. Then we headed to the airport where we almost missed our plane. Even though we were there two hours early. Its a story that I'm trying to block out.
Thursday: Today we drove from S'toon home. Another part of the trip that needs to be blocked out. Now we're home and I'm excited to see Kera and Dion tomorrow afternoon. I'm excited to be back home so I can see my church family again. I loved Ontario, but like Dorothy said, "There's no place like home."

Ontari-ari-o

I don't know how short/long this post will be. I think I'll keep it short. Well, I'm in St. Catharine's right now, using Ryan & Kath's computer. Here's a summary of what's been goin on so far.
Monday: Pack. Drive to S'toon, shop a bit, go to Tony Roma's for supper, go to hotel. Sleep (or not).
Tuesday: Get up. Get in a taxi (for the first time) and drive to the airport. (Continued on Sunday) Get in a line, check our bags, get in an even bigger line and wait. Then Bailey, Josh & Bronwyn called my name and I didn't hear. My mom did, so she told me. They were in the same huge line, waiting to go through security to head to Philly. It was nice to see them. Then we fly to Calgary. Meet up with my Aunty & Uncle, go for breakfast, and fly again. I thought I broke my eardrums on the landing in Hamilton, thus making me very tired and grumpy. It hurt a lot. While we were waiting for dad to get the car it started to rain. I, being always prepared, pulled out my umbrella. Then we drove to St. Catharines. I slept. Check in, call the fam, head to the food place to eat. I don't really remember what else happened that night.
Wednesday: Get up. Drive to Clifton Hill in Niagra. Slather on the sunscreen, and begin the touristing. Stop in at Louis Tousaud's Wax Museum and take the obligitory fifty billion (more like 10) pictures. I got some good ones, they'll be on Facebook when I get home. Head down Clifton Hill to Ripley's Museum. I didn't think it was as great as the wax museum, but whatever it was cool still. Grab a bite to eat, then head down to the falls. Again, take a billion pictures. It was super hot, so when we go to the Canadian falls, the mist felt Wonderful! After that, just a few souviner shops, then back to St.C's. Supper at Ryan & Kath's. Did some laundry, hung out, etc.
Thursday: Get up. (Amazing how that happens first, eh?) Drive to Marineland. Walk around for a bloody long time. See a few shows with the flipper type animals. Take some more pictures. While we were in the gift shop, my cell phone rang. I answered and it was Mr. Boyko. Kera had her baby on August 1st (day before) at 8:38pm. So far, this is all I know. Well, and that it is a boy. Then we walk out of Marineland, drive back to Niagra, eat, and do more souviner shops. Home again (to the Comfort Inn), then to R&K's for another bbq with a pig that thought it was a cow. Kathleen's parents joined us as well, it was nice to see them again. I finally got to use their computer and check "spaceface". I was goin through some bad withdrawl.
Friday: Sleep in for an hour. YAY! Go shopping, bought two shirts and some wedding jewellery. (Not for my wedding). Go back to the hotel, get all gussied up, and then head out to meet my mom's old friend in a town on the way to the wedding. A few wrong turns later, we see them. On our way again, a few more wrong turns, including a turning of the map upside down, we reach the place for the wedding. "The wedding", was for my cousin Kerri (Goulden) & Scott McPhail. It was really short, but nice. Then, some pictures and then the reception & dance. I had SO much fun! It was good food, a lot of food, and good company. Then the dance. Kath and I got out there and boogied! So much fun! During a few sit-downs, I noticed a waiter kept giving me "the hairy eye-ball". He was pretty cute too! haha. Sadly, we had to leave soon after.
Saturday: Once again, we woke up. R&K came to pick us up and we headed to the big TO. First we stopped at Starbucks, my first time. I got a caramel macchiato, it was delish! It was a beautiful day! I impersonated Marilyn Monroe a bit. We first took a harbour tour of the Toronto Islands. These were also beautiful. I'm finding that I am in love with the trees here. Back in the concrete jungle, we walked up to the Hockey Hall of Fame to see the mask/helmet my dad bid on and is on display. Nothing too special, since we've all been there before, and only two out of the five of us were truly interested. I got a picture with the Stanley Cup, and said "I don't even like hockey", which got a interesting look from the worker. Oops, maybe I shouldn't talk so loud. We then walked to, um, I don't even know where. It was a lot of walking. To the KISS fm station, where R&K made out for a contest and got a t-shirt and gum. To Queen & John, by Much Music, where I've been before as well. Down a few more blocks to the Wayne Gretzky Restaraunt for some much needed vittles. Nothing spectacular in my eyes, but it was good all the same. A nice rest for the feet. (By this time I'd been cultivating some nice blisters). Then all the way back down to the harbour to where we were parked. I got a nice burn to even out my back and chest, it doesn't hurt which is nice.
Sunday: You know what happens. Go to the Mennonite church. I liked the sermon a lot, but everyone just stood or sat still for the worship. Meh. Then we went to The Mandarin for lunch with the Krumrei's. It was really really really good food. I had some green apple Bubble Tea. A bit weird at first, but good as well. We changed then went out to the Krumrei's to hang out and eat supper. I love Mennonite food, good ol' cold cuts! After awhile we left and took a scenic route back to St.C's. Such beautiful country and houses! Carmen would have a field day trying to sell them all! Now I'm at R&K's, blogging. Kath and I are heading to Port Dalhousie, pronounce De loo zee, for a true Girl's Night. It doesn't start for another two hours or so. But, Trish the Dish is going to be there! She's one of Kathleen's friends, who to me is pretty famous. haha. R&K are watching The Office downstairs and I can hear Steve Carrell in their living room.

We're going out to my Uncle's house tomorrow for a pool party/hanging out. It should be super fun, I have pretty cool cousins. Then on Tuesday, I think Muzzer, Fajah & I are doing a winery tour, get wasted probably. Or not. I don't like the taste of wine. Then Wednesday, we have to do something until the time our plane leaves. Should be interesting. I'll be home on the 9th, and probably sleep until Monday. Or not. I hope I haven't drained my bank account too much!

Anticipation Aggravation

Last night, Kera went in to the hospital. She wasn't in labour though. And she's not hurt or anything. She had some non-threatening leakage. It was, for me, more exciting than scary. I thought she'd have the baby then, but I guess we'll have to keep waiting. Babies should learn how to come out on their due dates. They don't know what they put us Outsider's through! So, Kera's fine, other than being frustrated with the weather and being stuck (sort of) in the country.

I'm also anticipating the trip to Ontario for my cousin's wedding. We'll be there in a week. I want to build a time machine so I can go there now. haha. So much for my plea for patience, eh? I'm really excited to see my family, to shop (come on, like I'm going to not shop given the opportunity), and to see beautiful Niagra again. I haven't been there in 7 years. Pretty much to the day, since we were there for Ryan & Kath's wedding (July 22nd). Plus, Chris got me pretty excited when he talked about the nice, not disgustingly hot, weather and smooth, albeit busy, roads. I love Saskatchewan, but I gotta get out once in awhile.

My left eye is being dumb and leaking constantly. It's quite annoying and making my skin raw. I hope I don't have an infected duck. haha get it? Tear duct. Ok, that was lame.

Learning

I've been learning a lot about myself lately. Since house sitting, I've learned that I really enjoy living on my own. Of course, I don't have to pay the bills or fix anything, and I have to go back home in a few days, but I like the time I've had to myself. I admit, I have become a bit reclusive, but I've made efforts to hang out with others. I went up to Bethel with Jessica one Friday, spent time with Dan & Jessie and Regan, hung out with my family a bit, and had supper with Carmen & Daune a couple times. I've also read four books in the past two weeks. Three of them were over 300 pages. I've had a lot of quiet time, as you can tell. I love this house so much! For the first week, I could be found mainly in the sunroom, reading. Actually, most of the second week too. I watched a few movies, ate some good foods, and got annoyed at the partying neighbours. Thankfully, there were only two parties, and I fell asleep while they were still going. I'm not even allergic to Spaz! Which is good, because he's a really nice cat, but he needs to learn how to retract his claws. Plus, he looks so cute sleeping in my suitcase.

Another thing I've been learning, is I need a lot more patience. In my job, my goals, my life. I'm a pretty laid back person, but when I find something I want, and can't have right away, I get a bit antsy. Okay, a lot antsy. Like, a husband for instance. I know that God has someone already picked out and is preparing him, but it's so hard not knowing who he is. I do enjoy being single though. Not that I've been unsingle in a long time. I just want what I'm sure, almost, every girl wants. To be delighted in. To be cuddled, hugged, praised, encouraged, fought for, included.

A lesson I have to learn before the husband part can come is to delight myself in the Lord. I can't just get a guy and expect him to be everything I need. It's not fair or right. That's a job that no man, save Jesus, can do for me. I need to fall in love with Jesus, and let him show me how to love myself, before I can give myself and my love to another. This is much easier said than done. I'd love to blame it all on Satan, but that'd be giving him too much credit. Much of the blame lies with me being lazy and undisciplined. I've stopped spending time in the Word, don't do devotions, and basically only get pumped up in church or when I hear a really good song. So, now that I know what I'm doing wrong, how am I going to change it? I'd love to say, "I'm going to spend an hour reading the Bible everyday" or "I'm going to be a better Christian", but those I've tried and quit before. Here's my plan: I have at least one day off every week. I'm going to try and turn it into a Day In. A day in the Word, in the presence of God, in love with God. I'll probably start off small, so as not to get discouraged. Like, maybe not a whole day, but an hour or two. Who knows, maybe I'll fall head over heels on the first day and not want to stop? I'm sure this is going to be a battle, and would appreciate prayer and accountability.

Well, those are a few things I've been learning about myself. I've got a pretty good Teacher, I'd say.

I Want To Be Small

As I sit here and listen to "Small" by Amanda Falk, I think of my relationships and my life. I realize that I've been trying to run things. Has it worked? Heck no. I need to let go, and let God take the controls. Again. I've been striving for a relationship with someone who doesn't return the feelings, when I should be striving for a deeper relationship with my God who's feelings for me are unmatched by any other. He's told me that he has someone planned for me. Someone to love me as he does. Yet, I still try to do things my way. I need to be patient. I need to remember that the plans I have are small compared to the things God has in store for me. I feel such a great need at this point in my life to be quiet, and seek God's presence. What I've been doing is as close to running from it as I can get. I have a huge house all to myself, with a beautiful yard to sit in God's creation, and yet I keep myself indoors. Why? I sit in a room of windows, marvelling at the beauty of nature around me, yet don't take the steps to be a part of it. I have such a deep longing for something deep, and still I take no affirmative action. I'm longing to be loved deeply, and don't dwell in the love God is showering on me.

A Grad Way More Fun Than My Own

Ok, I've been trying to avoid blogging about this, but since all the cool people, aka Robin & Jared already have, I thought I'd join in. Maybe they're not all the cool people, but they're the only ones who've done so thus far.

So, Graduation Day 2007 went a little like this. From my POV anyways. (Get it, that's an English term, thanks Mrs. Bachiu). I got up at 7:30 to shower, get ready and make sure I had clothes to wear to grad. Then I went to work. Dylan fell asleep on me, and I actually managed to put him to sleep in his crib. Unfortunately, he only slept for 20 minutes. So, he was still pretty tired. Then Daune came home and we let Dylan play with our cell phones. It was fun times. I went home, ate some KD, finished getting ready, and went to the school where I found Jared and sat with him. The afternoon ceremony was quite boring, but then again so was mine. Just a bunch of people giving heartwarming speeches and handing out money. I loved the theme and the mural that Leanne did was amazing! Then I took pictures of some people on the "cool" grad props and went back home. I cleared the camera so I could take more pictures later, changed footwear and got dad to drive me around. I arrived at Efree and, like Jared said, tried to start a non-grad table, but ended up sitting with Robin's family. This was fine and dandy, Mik and Terri are a hoot. Next came the pictures times a billion. Or maybe only times 30. I jumped in the Buick with Mik & Terri to follow the Gradmobile, and we lost them because we had to go get fresh batteries and fresh faces. So, we just went back to the school. My back really hurt from sitting on the bleachers, and I couldn't really see the stuff on the screen. Ok, I gotta speed this up. The dance was next, and I had fun. I danced with Nick, he's really tall and really quiet. I danced with some other people as well, and my feet hurt from Cotton Eyed Joe, I wasn't wearing shoes for that one. Then it was time to go get ready for Green Lake. We piled into the Gradmobile, dropped Tom off, got into an accident, had rocks thrown at us by a very drunk Mike Hounsell, got ice cream, and I got really rained on. Kirsten & Tiff came to pick me, Tom and Christy up and then we were on our way. It was raining and lightning-ing a lot, and Kirsten was driving safely. Thanks for not joining in the car accidents Kirsten.

Ok, Green Lake. We got there, it was still pouring, but the cabin was dry inside. Well, it wasn't a dry party, but anyways... I stole/shared some of Mitch's alcohol and the fun began. Basically, there was some dancing, cuddling, making outing, puking (way to go Morgan), portrait drawings courtesy of Jared Fingler, blanket wrestling, Jared getting massages from Kelsie's and my vibrating laugh, some picture taking that hopefully have already been deleted, and some no sleeping for me. I had a lot of fun, but felt super gross by the time we got breakfast. I met a girl with my last name, no relation. Apparently, alcohol makes me fall in love with Tom.

Awesome God

There have been a few cases in my life where God has completely blown me away. My faith is so small and yet He provides. I've been looking for a grad ticket for a couple weeks, today Kim asked if I still needed one. She told me Madge had a few extra and to give her a call. So I did, and then picked it up. Awesome part one. I went to Efree for their last youth group tonight, which was great. I heard a phone ringing and thought to check mine. But I missed the call. Luckily they left a message, because I had no idea who's number it was. It was Daune asking me to come in early tomorrow. I'd been worrying all day about being able to go to grad now that I had the ticket. I usually work 9-6 on Fridays, which would make it impossible to go to the afternoon ceremonies. So, by going in early tomorrow, I can go to grad. I'll work the morning on Friday instead of the afternoon and not have to make up for any lost hours. Amazing part two. So, today was a good day off. God is amazing and I'm glad he loves me.

And The Clock Struck Midnight

I just had a pretty great day. I got up, spent over $100 on things I probably don't need but will be able to use for a long time, went out for lunch with Muzzer, and made a mad dash for the shower. Then it was dress, hair, makeup, nails, shoes and out the door. All in a mere fourty minutes! Believe me people, that's impressive. I went to Matthew and Robin (Schroeder) Roger's wedding. It was so nice. I nearly cried when Matthew sang to Robin. Nearly. The reception was really good. An awesome powerpoint presentation, really good food and a lot of laughs. While they were moving the tables for the dance, Nancy and I went and changed our footwear. I'm so glad I did! My feet were killing me. All for the price of fashion I suppose. Then back to the dance, which hadn't started yet. It was good times. I danced a bit, sometimes crazy, sometimes normally. I even taught, or tried to, teach Kashtin how to polka. The funny thing about changing footwear is, I took my shoes off about 15 minutes after the dance started. I thought of Travis when "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy" was played, but he'd already left. It was really nice to see people I hadn't seen for awhile, like Felix & Margurite and Candy & Vernon. I miss those folks. So, it was a lovely evening. I wore a great dress, which had some minor malfunctions, killer shoes (seriously), my hair dried to great curls, and I never smudged my makeup, other than lipstick on my teeth a few times. Alas, the night had to come to an end. It was a lot of fun, but this Cinderella didn't find a Prince tonight. I didn't even catch the bouquet either. Oh well, there's plenty more weddings this summer!

Have you ever wanted to be part of something bigger? To wake up one day and be told you're a princess, or that you are a descendant of a great and valiant knight? I have on many occaisions. To find out that my family did great things in history; that I am a part of a royal line; that I could be worthy of life in a castle. You see, history excites me, intrigues me, makes my heart beat faster, even skip a beat. I love movies that make history come alive, or books that take me on adventures to faraway lands. I want to go on these adventures, see the places I've read about. I want to walk where famous artists, playwrites, philosophers and doctors have walked. Can you imagine standing in the basement of the Louvre, or on the sands of the great Colleseum, or sit in a seat in a marvelous banquet hall? Am I only ever going to read and dream about these things? I sincerly hope not. Who knows? Maybe one day they'll be reading about me in the history books!

Mekai Burke Metz

I can't believe I've waited three days to blog about my new nephew! Tim & Clare had their baby on Sunday at 12:59pm. It was an interesting day for me. I waited up til 3:30am for Eryn to come home, she's staying here til her house is liveable, and fell asleep soon after. I must've been out of the country when I was dreaming, because mom came to my door at 7:30 and asked, "Are you going to Tim's or am I?" What? Tim's, Tim who? Who's going to Tim's? I'll go to Tim Horton's, but you might have to drive. As you can see, I was very confused. "It's time." OH! Get out, I'm not wearing pants! So, I went over and played with Nick & Shanna til Frank & Mary, Clare's parents, got there. I went home, showered and went to church. I don't really remember what Pastor Tyler said, I was too excited. Plus, the phone rang a couple times, which got me more excited, but it wasn't for me. Then I came home and waited. Is he here yet? Is he here yet? Tim called at 1:30 and told us Mekai was born. But, we had to wait til three to meet him. That was possibly the longest hour and a half of my life! haha. So, mom & I went to Extra Foods, got flowers and a Mack toffee bar and went to the hospital. He's so cute! and little. He looks a lot like Tim. Last night I went to their house and held him for a long time, and then he had his first bath! He enjoyed it, but didn't like getting dried off because it was probably cold. Mom and I went over today and she held him mostly. I love him. I'm glad they live close for this kid. I tried putting pics on here, but it's being dumb. There's some on Facebook.

Apparently it was me being dumb. So, here's some of him when he was only 3 hours old.

Another Rant...

I'm sick and tired of you telling me what to do. What makes you think you're in any positon to give me advice, especially financial, when you're putting our family into debt? Why do you think you can talk to me and expect me to listen? You are the only one who's against me moving out. Big surprise there. Not. You see that you've lost your grip on me and are afraid of me being free of you. Too bloody frickin bad. You have no control over me. Let me live my life and make my OWN decisions. Just because you're life is pitiful and you're miserable, doesn't mean the rest of us have to be too. Who the hell do you think you are? You lost any influencial position in my life long ago. You only take notice of my life when you disapprove or figure out new ways, which are getting old fast, to screw me up. Does it bother you that much that I'm finally succeeding? That I might actually be happy now? You just can't handle that can you? I'm sorry if you were told you'd never amount to anything all your life, but I'm not you. I will succeed and do great things. I break any generational curses that have been passed down through you. I am covered by the blood of Jesus Christ and any lies and word curses you've placed upon me are broken now.

Sweetie Pie Cutie Face

This is a summary of my days as of late: Get up, shower, maybe, eat. Walk four blocks to the Neudorf-Howell residence. Play with the adorable Dylan when he's not clawing at himself or crying. Try to scoop up baby food before he opens his mouth for more. Clean random things in their already amazingly clean house. Compete with the bathroom fan and vibrating chair to sing Dylan to sleep. Hang out with Carmen and Dylan when she gets home from work. (And Daune randomly throughout the day.) In case you're wondering why I do this, it's because God is awesome. I started nannying for Carmen and Daune last Thursday. I work 1-6pm, Monday-Friday, which hasn't happened yet because it was a holiday yesterday, but you get the point. It's so great because it's enough time that I don't get overwhelmed or go crazy with boredom, (he kinda just sits...), and more than enough money for rent and other needs. Yes, Dylan does cry a lot, but you would too if you had itchy sores all over your body. It's so sad, but he does quite well with the exema. Plus, he just met me on Thursday, so he cries when Daune enters or leaves a room. He's actually taken quite a shine to me already. He likes to suck on my leg or neck, whichever is available I guess. And those are the days I shower...haha. Yep, so that's what I do now. I love it. Carmen and Daune are awesome to work for, they definately balance each other. I can't really think of what else to say, so I'll bid you adieu. Or goodbye if you don't speak random languages.

Loose Firewire

I would love to do a whole update blog again, but I don't really feel like it. So, I guess I wouldn't love to do one. Okay then. I feel like I've been neglecting my blog(s). I always check other's, expecting them to be updated, but fail to update my own. I've been hanging out with Eryn a lot more lately. Its been real deadly like.

So, I'm the new techi-chick at the Bridge. Cuz I'm a nerd. I run the overhead dealy, and am working on some projects with Eryn and Tyler. I also get to contribute to the church's blog. Haha, cuz I'm so good at contributing to my other 3...not. Its gonna be cool shooting some video stuff and making FRESH even more deadly. We've done our brainstorming, we just need to get schedules and more people and all that jazz. Goooooood.

Tomorrow, Muzzer and I are going to NB. I have a biopsy appt. for my thyroid. I hope I don't have a goiter. Haha just kidding. They're not going to find anything. Why? Because It's already healed! Yee. God rocks. I still don't want to get a needle shoved in my neck though. Oh well, at least I'll get out of Meadow for a day. I haven't gone anywhere for quite awhile. And then on Friday, Eryn and I are hopefully taking some girls from Waterchicken to Stoon for a girls slumber party thing. I say hopefully, because I don't know if Eryn will get the day off or not. If she does it will be a good time.

You know what? Its so much fun to be positive. Usually I would say I'm so scared the dr's will find something, or I hope nothing bad happens at the slumber party. But now, I have confidence that God is really in control and he wants the best for us. And if something does go wrong, I have the tools to deal with it. God rocks, religion sucks. Glad I've got God.

I guess that kind of turned into an update, oh well, it needed to be said. I'm gonna go do more blogging I think.

PS. I forgot to say that Eryn and I are doing a 40 day challege. No junkfood/sweets/pop, drink water/milk, she's going to exercise 7 days/week for 30 mins, I'm doing 4/week for 60min, no eating after 7pm, and I have to eat two meals a day. Its going good so far. I went for a walk at the track yesterday and did 4 laps. I even ran for 3/4 of the track! My legs hurt now, but that's cuz I was real lazy this winter. But I'll whip myself into shape again. I even took Oviler with me to the track. He's a funny dog. That's all for now.

Can Anybody Find Me

...Somebody to love?

I was going to write about this topic a few days ago, but then forgot. And I don't really feel like doing it now, and don't have the time to do so.

What I will write about however, is my day today. It was so beautiful outside, the kids and I played outside twice today. In the morning it was still a bit cold, but bearable. I sat in the shade until I got cold, then warmed up in the sun. Then in the afternoon, the sun was out in full force. I took my jacket off and watched the kids swing and make a pond in a puddle. I saw a spider walk across the water in the garden. Maybe it was a Jesus spider! Then Clare came and I went home. I took off my boots, they were full of wetness from falling through the snow at T&C's, and sat on our steps reading Hebrews. Good book so far. And I saw a butterfly! So exciting! I played with Oviler and Sphincter a bit too. I'm all pink and warm from the sun now. Muzzer's makin supper and I'm waiting for Nicole to come. I'm goin to her house again this weekend. I missed going last weekend, and am going through withdrawl from Felix and Margurite. And my cow. I can't wait to see them all this weekend. And wear RUBBER BOOTS! I could've used them this afternoon. So, while Nicole and Vernon clean out the chicken coop for her chickens (duh), I'll be helping Candy paint their bedroom. Should be some good bonding times I think. I gotta go pack and such. Blog ya later....haha I'm so lame.

A Some Moosen

I had the best weekend EVER! On Friday I went and stayed at Nicole's. We got up Saturday afternoon (got home really late), and went over to Grandma and Grandpa's house to check cows. Vernon needed a ride over there so Felix could help him get unstuck. They weren't there, so Nicole and I just checked cows anyways. There were a few in the corral with their little calves and a whole bunch at the feeding ground. We took the quad out there and drove around the cows. Nothin was happening other than eating. We went back to the house and Marguerite and Felix were home. Of course, Grandma told us to grab a pop and have a seat. We stayed and visited and then for supper. We went to check the cows again, still nothing. We stayed and visited more with Uncle Dave & Aunty Vivian and Kyle. We went home and just hung out with Vernon. Good times. We had told Grandma to call us if any of the cows started to have a calf. So she did; at five in the morning. I jumped out of bed, put some warm clothes on and headed out the door. I got to see a calf get pulled! It was exciting and rather splooshy. It was a red girl. She's cute and Grandma said they're going to call her Jo. I felt special. We went home, back to bed and stayed there til the afternoon. Neither of us wanted to go to church. So we tried to fix the van, but Nicole got frustrated with the setup and we decided to go back to Grandma's house. We went to see the calves and Nicole tried to ride one of them. It didn't go too well haha. I visited with "my" cow and the momma was really nice about it. There was a floppy eared white calf that was jumping and running around. Very cute. We went to the feed ground to see the other calves that were born in the early morning, a grey one and a brown. We thought one of the cows was in labour, but she just had to take a dump. Then a cow charged at us because we got too close to her calf, luckily we were on the quad. We went to the house and played some Nintendo (the old school one) and then the grandparents came home. We visited a bit more, had some doughnuts and pop (of course) and went home for supper. Mmm KFC. We showered and walked out the door to go hang out with Kelvin. As I stepped off the last step, Scruffy growled, which she doesn't usually do. So I turned around and said, "Holy crap there's a moose!" took a second look and said, "Holy crap there's two!" I've never seen a moosen before, so I was excited. Such a great weekend! I gotta go now. Toodle-oo.

"I Don't Want to Turn Into a Boy"

Ah yes, the wise words of Shanna. She says, if she toots too much, she might turn into a boy. What a tragedy that would be. So, I spent my first day babysitting them yesterday. I'll be doing that all month until April 5th. It went pretty good yesterday, they stayed in their pj's and we watched kid's shows pretty much all day. It's okay, Tim & Clare said that was allowed, since they were going to NB today for Nicky's teeth. It was a bit confusing because I had to fill out a tv thing for every show we watched. I messed it up. Oh well. We watched Ice Age 2...again...and Finding Nemo...again. I guess I thought when I was done at the daycare, I wouldn't be watching kid's shows until I had my own. Turns out I was wrong. Oh well, they're better for me than "chick flicks" right Rob? haha. We played outside for about 20 minutes. Which is about the time it took us just to get dressed and sorted out. It was fun, the snow was deeper than Shanna. I got stuck and Nicky got cold, so we went in. Then it was home time. I came home, ate some big greasy sausages...but no Jared Finglers...haha...and fell asleep on the couch. "You have company" was all I heard and then opened my eyes to Nicole sitting in the living room. To Sev and her place was the next on the agenda. Good laughs along the way. Yellow shirt. Chuckle. She talked to Scott and "T-Fed" aka Tom. Good times had by all. Tom took her creepiness quite well actually. We basically just hung out, chatted and such, then went to bed. Oh...so many good dreams...ahem. Blasted reality. In to town and flower shopping we went. Good stuff yet again. Then deliveries. Saw Tobin Rhomas and Jirsten Kensrud. I went home, got asked out by a Texan (weird) and watched some Christian music videos. Then Nicole came over, we found out her mom was going to be arrested for Telemiracle and decided to take pictures. So we went for lunch and then to the Door. Finally it was time to go take pictures of Momma. After I had one of Kathy Stobbe's buns *drool* soooo good. It was pretty funny. Bail was set at $50 (cheap) and she was out in about 15 minutes. Oh well, it was fun. Back to the Door, stopped in at daycare to say hello, get hugs and kisses from Michael and a huge card for Shanna. I got all sparkly from it. Now I'm home and waiting to go out for supper with my folks. After that it's FRESH. I'm pumped. Chris Kulczheski...or however you spell his last name...is playing drums. It'll be grood. Argh...I have to get up and walk to the kitchen...gross. That's all for now. Except Gayce and Belinda are road tripping to Chicago for a Jack's Mannequin concert and I cried.

Change Number Four

Alrighty. Another change. I liked my old one, but clicked a few things and got something I wanted, and had to change the template. Oh well. I like green. It's good people. I'm almost ready to send in my application to Nipawin. I just need to find my SIN card and ask people to be references. I felt kinda weird writing a personal profile, but I got it done. (After procrastinating a whole day). Right now, I only signed up for the first year, but I would love to stay and get a Bachelor of Christian Ministry in Missions. Who would've guessed, eh? Haha.

So, Lent started yesterday, and I decided to fast from non-Christian music. Sounds easy right? Not. I made a Lent List (playlist), and have been listening to that. It's gone good so far, just when I wake up with a FOB song in my head or something it's tough. Let's see if I can do better than last year. Cuz I completely sucked back then.

Time to go eat some delicious pizza. Mmm chicken and roasted red peppers.

Trust Issues Anyone?

I'm a bit upset right now. I made this blog to be free to express my thoughts and feelings. I'm okay with my friends and some family members reading it, but I asked my mom specifically not to try and find it. By following a link on Ryan & Kath's blog, she found it. Don't worry guys, it's not your fault. I even asked her not to click on the link. She said she wouldn't. I was showing Jennifer Ryan and Kath's blog and saw that the link to mine had been clicked. On my mom's account. I asked, "I thought I asked you not to read my blog". The reply, "Well, I had to see what you were writing." Uh, no you didn't. If there's something I wanted you to know, I would've told you. And if you really wanted to know something, you could've asked me. Why did you have to go behind my back and break my trust? I don't frickin understand that. Yes, I realize this blog is public, and that it doesn't take a rocket scientist to find it, but when I ask someone not to read it, I expect them not to. It's kind of ironic, because I wrote in my Genesis Process book things that are making me uncomfortable ex and internally. One of them was expectations not met. Interesting. Like, now I don't even feel comfortable writing the stuff I want to. Really, who else is reading this? Obviously if I've given you the link I'm okay with it, but I feel like my mom totally invaded my privacy. Whatever, I'm frickin emotional and probably PMSing. If only it were Patrick Martin Stump-ing. One step forward, two steps back I guess.

Alrighty, well I'm back home now. I'll catch up again from where I left off.

So Friday, I did have a shower and felt oh so good. Then Matthew came looking for Nic, but she was still at Kelvin's. So he went over there, and then she showed up. Kinda funny. We hung out a bit then Matthew came back. We dropped him off at Northwest and went to go get Chas. He wasn't at Jessica's any more, they had gone to Bean There. So, we drove all the way back to town and found them there. We went to Sev and then to get Matthew. He wasn't at the church any more. Pastor Dan had taken him to the Dub. So we went there. They hadn't started the interview yet because too many people at the church had been congratulating Matthew. So, the three of us came to my house. We watched some 7th Heaven and Dr. Phil. I was grossed out, mostly by Dr. Phil, but also because there was a 500lb woman on his show. But, Chas made everything better with his commentary. And he got to meet my mom. So, we went to pick Matthew up and headed home. We talked about Brent and Ian a lot on that trip. We had supper and then went downstairs to play Battleship pool. Chas and Nicole won a game each. Then Nic and Matt played some regular pool. We all played Yahtzee and Nicole and I beat the boys by a lot. Nicole won overall though. We spent about an hour arguing over the boys wanting to play Risk and Nicole not wanting to. So, we just chatted. Matthew went upstairs to do something, and Chas started telling Nicole some stories of his past. I walked in right after he started. They were pretty interesting stories I tell ya. I was very encouraged by what he said. He's screwed up a lot, but God still forgave him and has given him hope and faith. It was a good chat. Then we all talked about whether it's okay to go evangelize in bars or at parties. I think we all had a different opinion in the end. After talking more, we went to bed.

(Saturday) Vernon asked us to help him move square bales in the morning, so we all got up around 9:30. It was fun times, even I helped out. I moved a lot in the first round, and then I mostly supervised the second time. There's only so much room to be helpful in, so I stayed out of the way. Nicole said that we got done faster because I was there to help, making me feel really good. We went home, had lunch and a nap. The boys went in to town to visit Joel. Then Nicole and her parents went out to Schroeder's for supper and wedding plans. I stayed home(there), and watched Gaither's, A Walk to Remember, and most of The Notebook. They came back and Nicole wanted to kill me for watching chick-flicks. Us four went downstairs and talked, then Gayce came over and joined the chat. Chas told us his whole name and we laughed a bit. His name is Chasmund Charles Martin. He has the same middle name as Darryl Schroeder as Nicole found out. We talked about Bible school a bit, I learned some stuff about Nipawin (more later) and then the three bible school kids talked about soccer matches. Gayce went home and we told Chas we were leaving for church at 10. We went to bed. I read, finished John, read some Captivating and tried to go to sleep. No dice. So, I wrote and prayed. Tried again. Nope. Vernon started snoring. I grabbed the sleeping bag and headed downstairs. The couch was super uncomfortable and the fire was making creepy shadows. "Nicole, can I sleep with you?" "Jump in." hehe. Still, no sleep. Nicole got up and took cough medicine. Still nothing. What time is it I wonder? 4:30, grr. Well, I guess I'll just keep thinking, since it doesn't seem possible to stop these thoughts. Roll over. What time is it now? Open your eyes Jo. 7:30? What? I guess I did sleep. Let's try again. No. Nothing. There's Matthew's alarm. I don't hear him moving at all. Half an hour later he gets up and showers. He's definately going to be late. Okay, now we wait until it's a decent hour for me to get up. La la lala. This sucks. I'm going to go eat a banana. 15 minutes later: "Nicole, you have to wake up Chas, it's time to get up." And time for me to shower. Ok, water feels good. Uh oh, how do you work this thing? Good thing Candy was up. Okay, wow this pressure sucks out loud. Okay, clothes make me feel warmer. Time to blow dry my hair. This should be interesting, no hair product in it. Yikes, I have big hair. Ok, ponytail it is. Time to go to church. Oh boy, this is going to be an interesting day, three hours of sleep. When we got to church, Jessie told me she dreamt about me all night. Uh, ok, weird. Then I held Reagan while she went home to get his blanket. He started fussing, so I gave him a cookie. Haha, Nicole says my kids are going to be fat; "Don't cry, here, have some food!". Then Gayce showed up and church started. Goooooooood times. Tyler spoke on exactly what I needed to hear, dreams. So then I went and talked to him about my confusions. You see, I feel like God's given me like 5 different places to go, and I thought I had to do them all as soon as he told me. Turns out, I don't. So, the whole Jerusalem thing, yeah, turns out I wasn't meant to go immediately. I have the assurance that I am still called there and will go. In God's time. And Bethany? Well, I think I was called to bible school, and Bethany was the most logical option. After talking about Nipawin and hearing that Nicole felt strongly that I should go there, I'm thinkin that's what God meant by bible school. Plus, it's about $3000 cheaper than Bethany. Man, Ty's prayer for me was amazing. He's been telling me a few times that he sees me with a very powerful call of authority on my life and that I'm going to do great things for the Kingdom. Yeah, it takes a few times for things like that to get through to me. But hey, if God wants to use me to do great things, who am I to argue? We kidnapped Kelvin and went back home. Actually, we picked some stuff up and got gas first. Candy had an amazing lunch ready when we got there. Then we watched Happy Gilmore and Robin pulled out some bridal magazines. Then I had a nap. It was delicious. I woke up when I heard, "She looks dead". The six of us, Robin & Matthew, Nicole & Kelvin, and Chas & I went over to Grandma and Grampa's. Of course we got pop and food. Then Felix came in, looked at the ring and raised his eyebrow's in his Felix way. We went home and had supper. Nicole & Kelvin went and played pool and talked. The four of us talked about Nipawin. Well, they answered my questions mostly. Then we went out to Logan's. Nicole and Lacey had to drop Kelvin off and pick up Dustin, so the rest of us watched tv. When they got there we had just started watching Bruce Almighty. Pretty good movie. We basically just watched tv and talked. Robin, Matthew & Chas decided to leave, so I grabbed my stuff from the van and said goodbye. We stayed a bit longer and then left. I came home, took some drugs, and went to bed.

And that, my friends, is what I've been up to this week.

Love Is In The Air

Ok, so I've been at Nicole's since Wednesday and couldn't update there. That's okay though, we had good times. Let's start then shall we? On Wed. I: made and delivered v-day cards at school, went for lunch with Nicole, then got ready for our big date. We all headed to KFC (romantic eh?) and ordered a LOT of food. The smell made me sick, so strong. Then we headed to E-Free and set up a table. We put a tablecloth on, candles (thanks Rob), a rose (fake), and sparkly pipe-cleaners. It was very romantic. We even used the good dishes. haha. So we ate, talked, toasted the Colonel, and almost had a piano player, but then they went and played upstairs. Then the youth came and I got to see Morgan, Mitch & Clint. And all the rest too :). Nicole and I went to care group, and as I called it, Blanche had made a cake. It was quite good, rhubarb crisp or something. I usually don't like that stuff, but this was good. Then I went to stay at her house. After Candy and Nicole had gone to bed, the phone rang, but Nicole answered. Then she came upstairs and started giggling. You see, it was Logan's number. Matthew called. Matthew and Robin are engaged!!! So we waited for Matt and Chas (bible school friend) to come home. It was very exciting. Nicole and Matthew woke up Candy, who thought something was wrong, and Chas and I played with Raskel. We stayed up a bit longer, then went to bed.

Thursday: Nicole got called in to work, I stayed in bed. I got up around 1 and went to read in Nicole's room with the music on. I went upstairs and the boys and I made lunch. Tomato soup and grilled cheese never fails. We sat around a bit, then decided to play a board game. The only one out that wasn't blocked by an air hockey table was Risk. So, I played. First time. It was a bit confusing at first, but the guys were really helpful. Chas got killed first. And then Matthew pretty much took world domination. I had most of Asia and all of Austrailia/Indonesia. Then, the boys played Mario Kart and I laughed at Chas because he talks to the players and calls them morons. It was quite entertaining. We had supper, good times also, and the boys played more video games. During supper Robin called and asked Nicole to be a bridesmaid, so she cheered up (she was grumpy because she was tired from work/little sleep). Then Candy and I kicked the boys off the tv and we all watched Survivor. Deal or no deal was on next, Canada edition, and Chas made fun of the people on there too. It was very humorous. I got a pillow thrown at me by Kelvin who was on the phone, he must have super powers, and I talked to him a bit. We watched King of the Hill and then the Daily Show. Both very funny, especially with Chas' commentary. Yeah, he's a good guy. Then we went to bed again.

Today: Got up, Nicole made soup, watched some Family Feud, dropped Chasoff at Jessica F's, picked Robin up at Efree, came home. Good times I tell ya. My kitten is apparently missing. That makes me sad. I hope he comes back. I need to shower and get new clothes. I'm off to Nicole's again tonight. Have a good weekend!

Life and Love

GAH! I'm so emotional right now. I need to get regular sleep. A regular schedule, not staying up all night and sleeping most of the day. Man, I don't know what was wrong, but while watching Home Makeover tonight, I cried a bit. What I mean is, I let myself cry only once. I almost lost it big time a few other times, but I'm too tough for that haha. Man, life is busy. Its getting so hard to find time to hang out with everyone. I enjoy the people I'm spending time with, but I really miss the other people too. I thought by getting a cell phone I'd be more connected to people, but it hasn't really worked out that way. Its easy to say life goes on, but it sucks when people get left behind.

I'm pretty excited for Valentine's day. Shh, don't tell anyone! haha. Nicole, Aaron K and maybe Logan are all going out for supper together. It should be some good times of being single. Possibly a bit cynical and painful, but I guess that comes with heartbreak, old or recent. Oh well, I'm glad to spend time with them, they're good people.

I'm gonna go back to surfing the web and watching Princess Bride. As Nicole would say, I'm so pathetic.

Time to Change

I felt that I needed to change. No, I'm still in my pajama's, but thought I'd change the look of my blog (again). This template is one I'd saved along with the one I used previously. I like it. And if I get bored again, I have more I could use. I hope this acutally works. Holly said she hasn't seen anything new on here since Jan. 13, I dunno, maybe blogger farted and forgot to say excuse me. Who knows? Not like my life is that exciting anyways. Yep, so I changed again. Have fun!

Wow! I think I'm in love. Yep, I've been bitten by the movie star/emo rocker cupid bug. It's official, I'm in love with Jared Leto. Who is this dashing young fellow? Well, he's not actually that young. 36, but who's counting? He's been in several movies such as Alexander, which I watched last night, and is the lead singer/guitarist of his band 30 Seconds to Mars. I saw the music video for "From Yesterday" and was encaptured by his piercing blue eyes. Don't worry this is a completely shallow crush. But hey, a girl can appreciate the beauty of God's creation right? I like celebrity crushes, no one gets hurt. You don't have to like him, but I just thought I'd dedicate a blog to Jared Leto. Why? Because it's the month of love (and black history ^.^) and I'm not in love, but have to endure the assault of pink and red hearts everytime I go out of the house. So, I don't see any harm in a celebrity crush. At first, when I watched other music videos, I was thinking "You're not an actor Jared!", but after watching Alexander I was introduced to Hephaistion aka Jared Leto. Wow, can that boy act! Plus, he got to wear eyeliner in the movie! Aside from the fact he played a gay guy who was in love with Alexander the Great (Collin Farrell), I think he did a very good job in that movie. So there it is, hot off the presses: Joanna has a celebrity crush on Jared Leto. Deal with it. hehe.

I can't think of a title for this one. I don't really know where to start either. I didn't sleep at all on Tuesday night. It was pretty rough. I was very tempted to take myself to the hospital early Wed. morning because I'd been sick in the night witht the same thing making me sick since Saturday. I didn't, but I went to the clinic when mom went to work.They said come back in the afternoon. So I went and hung out at the door and then decided, since I was there I may as well go to work till I went to the dr. It was alright I suppose. If you look past the anger of seeing my name crossed off the schedule and the fact that I got fired. Past all that, it was a good time... Sorry, I'm a bit bitter. Whatever, it wasn't working out anyways. So, I went and saw Nicole at Martodam's and decided she would take me to the clinic after she got off work. Mom drove me home and I slept for about two hours. We went and I saw Dr. Loots. She's really nice, I like having her as a doctor. I told her what's been going on lately, not eating or sleeping much. She decided to admit me and just keep me under observation. What she wrote on the admission form was Anorexia/Depression, because that's what I'd told her about. So, Nicole took me to the hospital, after talking to my mom and Merv & Blanche and grabbing some stuff at home. I got two of the worst nurses I've ever had. I asked for food, took over a half hour. I asked for blankets, never came. At lunch time on Thursday, I ate as much as I could, but was basically forced to eat more. I no longer like hospitals. They gave me a sleeping pill that only lasted for 3 hours, then I kept waking up through the night. I talked to a counsellor about what was happening, but it felt like she was scolding me for what I was doing to myself. I beat myself up enough without having to hear it from a professional. I was let out around 2, but Dr. Loots wanted to see me at the clinic right away. So I went and talked to her. She's going to talk to Dr. Mamood (sp?), a psychiatrist in North Battleford (yay -.-), and refer me to Bev from Mental health (yay again >.<). She didn't prescribe anything, because she hadn't gotten ahold of the psych(o). I went home and slept, until Nicole and Kelvin came about a half hour after I'd laid down. Nicole and I went for supper with our mom's and then I was going to go to Nicole's for the night. We had to drop movies off at the movie store and pay the late fees. I felt like we should go see Rob, so we did, but he told us to come back at 8:30 because it was still Jr. Youth. So we were going to see Tyler, but he wasn't there, just Deb. So we talked to her and she talked and prayed. We went back to see Rob and he beat me up a bit haha. It was for my own good though. Even if he made me cry after I said I wasn't going to. Then we prayed and finally went to Nicole's. On the way, we listened to Barlow Girl and I was all of a sudden inspired to write (This is Truth). So I grabbed my note book (luckily I'd kept it in my bag) and started writing in the dark. I wrote all the way til we were parked. Then we hung out with Candy and talked to eachother from two different bathrooms. Fun times haha. I took my pill (Dr. Loots said it'd be okay to take it to help me sleep), and we both went to bed. I slept through the night! Now I'm home and writing this. Needless to say, I've had an exciting/stressful week.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

Let me tell you a story about this weekend. Kelvin and I went to Nicole's for a sleepover on Saturday. We were all kind of grumpy and then after a few rounds of pool (I won once YAY), we all cheered up. Then Will called. (Nicole's cuz) First Unfortunate Event. He told her some bad news, and she cried a lot. After everything was under control, we all went to play in the snow. We were having a lot of fun, but Scruffy scratched Nic's lip and my ski-pants were ripped, so we went in and I changed and she checked out her lip. (#2) Again, we went out in the snow. We went to the sand hill and slid down a bit. We were all at the bottom and Scruffy was being annoying and climbing over us all. Nicole tried to push her off Kelvin, but she scratch beneath his bottom lip. I thought it was like Nicole's, so I laughed a bit. Then he pulled his hand away and it was covered in blood. I stopped laughing. (#3) We went to the house, Nicole was crying, and I got to do some First Aid! Well, I got the kit out, Kelvin cleaned up his lip and I tried to bandage him up and talk him in to getting stitches. Finally he gave in and I called the hospital telling them we were coming in. (He never did let me bandage him up, so close though!) We sat and waited, the nurse cleaned him up a bit more and we waited for Dr. Snyman to come in. Just so you all know, it was 3am when we got to the hospital. So, the Dr stitched him up, four stitches, I left the room though. But, I didn't even pass out. I just felt queasy. We went back home (Nicole's) and had some awkward moments due to the accident. After reassuring Nicole that it wasn't her fault and that we were all just messing around, we played more pool. I was still feeling rather queasy, and sure enough, my stomach exploded. (#4) So then I went to bed, but read for like 9 billion hours. Actually, I think it was only 1 hour. Nicole woke me up and asked if I was going to church, I said no, as my tummy was still icky. So I slept some more. Man I love sick sleeps. So deep. I seriously think I squinched the entired night though, made me a bit sore. Then they came home, we hung out, ate some foods, played some games. I schooled everyone at Dutch Blitz. And totally beat Kelvin at Ping Pong. (Not really, cuz we didn't keep score, but I was much funnier to watch I'm sure.) Then, my tummy exploded some more. We all went to bed, and I finished the book I was reading, finished Mark and started Luke. Then I woke up, went looking for Nicole, since she had to work. She was up, but the roads were bad, so she called in. We all slept some more, got up, had some lunch, watched some tv (me), played some pool (them), and slept some more. Then we went in to town for Cleansing Stream. It was pretty good. After that, we went to Kelvin's and watched The Passion of the Christ. I love that movie so much. We all cried. Now I'm home, listening to music and updating all of you. I have so much homework to do tomorrow; two weeks of Cleansing Stream and Genesis Process. And I haven't started. I think one of the things I learned this weekend was "a bicycle only needs two wheels". Go figure eh? Whatever, I'm over it and am happy now. Another thing I learned, one meal a day for a week = not being able to eat solid foods for awhile. I'm so smart. Oh well, I know God forgives me when I mess up and that I'll learn from all this.

Signing off heartbroken and hungry,
Joanna.
hehe it's like a letter! (It's okay guys, I'm just crazy.)

Confusing Dream

I just woke up from a really confusing dream. I don't even know where to begin. K, well, I was in Calgary with my family, for a reason that didn't present itself in the dream. Then, Dad, Tim & Phil went to the airport with me. I think they were seeing me off (not sure where I was going), but then they all got on the plane with me. When we landed we were in Britain. What? We went in to the airport there (which looked more like a fancy hotel lobby) and looked around a bit. Phil and I went to find a phone. The phones were interactive tv stations. You picked what you wanted to do (make a call) and a phone keypad showed up. It was really high-tech. There was an older lady sitting behind where we were standing. For some reason, I sat with her and she asked where I was from. I had to explain how Canada was set up first of all and then we got to this confusing conversation:

(After talking about Can.) (Me) "The reason why I'm in Britain is because it is where God told me to go. You see, I was planning to go to Bible school in the fall, but then God told me to come here. I asked him, 'Why Britain? There's nothing there but sheep'. (The lady laughed at this). After much prayer, God spoke again and said, 'Go, teach my sheep.' And I knew that I had to go where he lead me." The old lady then invited us all to a "creamyard celebration". Those are the words I heard. What's a creamyard, is it like a vineyard? So confusing!

Hmm, what's missing from this conversation? Oh, I know! Jerusalem! And Britain, what's that about anyways? Throughout the entire dream I called it Britain. I never knew what airport I was in, or even what city I was supposed to go to.

I really need some prayer for direction. I dont know where I'm supposed to go, I just know I'm supposed to go. I've had three options given to me, all of which I believe were given by God. But, I can't be in three places at once! Is there an order in which I'm s'posed to go to these places? Am I going to them all, or do I have to decide between them? The dream I had about Bethany, seemed to take place in the near future (Darcy was in it). This one about Britain seemed like it was happening now, I had my purse and cellphone with me there. And when God told me to go to Jerusalem, I still had to finish school. Is this what Merv was talking about, opening your ears to hear from God? Or is this just some crazy dream? GAH! I guess I'm going to be praying a lot about this. Maybe its just all this snot floating around in my cranium. Maybe someone at care group will have some words of wisdom for me.

Snot-Nosed Kid

Holy crap, where is all this sickly snot coming from? I am always amazed that a nose so small can house so much yuckiness. If you haven't guessed, I have a cold. It sucks. Oh well. So, I had a "fun" day at the clinic today. I went in, thinking I had a bladder infection and sat for about 2 1/2 hrs. They called me, I peed in a cup (fun), and sat in a room. I got the dr that I cannot understand what he's saying (more fun). He said I don't have an infection, but gave me a prescription, told me to come back if it doesn't get better. While he was out of the room, my fingernails turned completely blue. It was quite scary. So, he checked my heart, breathing and my toenails. They were also a bit blue. Everything went back to normal after that, because I'd been taking deep breaths. It was probably just from not breathing deeply due to this cold. He said if there's any concern tomorrow, to go to the hospital. Yay, sounds like fun! In other news, I slept most of the day. It was alright. I'm sore from going to the gym last night. Haha. I'll probably sleep most of tomorrow too. Man I need a better job! I filled out most of the application form for Bethany, I just have to get some addresses and ask Rob & Eryn to be my references. (Rob, if you're reading this, will you be my reference for Bethany? I've got all the stuff ready for filling out.) I think I can get up to $600 off my tuition through a bunch of incentives they have. I should look into Student Loans as well. Man, it feels like I don't have all that much to talk about anymore. I like going to the Bridge and am excited to be involved in a bunch of things through that. My schedule's been pretty full lately. Monday is Discipleship class, Tuesday is Genesis Process (dealing with addictions/support group), and Wednesday is Care Group/Bible study. Thursday-Saturday are hang-out days, so if anyone wants to hang out, give me a call or something. This Sat. is Mom's 57th birthday and we're going for supper at Nor' Wester, then to the North West to watch her year in review slide show. Then, Sunday is church day. Fun times I tell you! The building was really cold last week, but it kept me awake and listening, haha. The whole service is so awesome, the worship, testimonies, the sermon; they just all seem to be directed at me and what's going on in my life. Its super cool. Plus, I get to spend time with Nicole & Eryn, two very cool ladies. Anyways, I think I'm going to go play a game that I've beat like 5 times, its very relaxing. Ciao! (I'm so not Portugese).

100th Poem!

So yeah, I wrote my 100th poem the other day. Check it out: http://www.froannaspoetry.blogspot.com

Don't be afraid to comment on my stuff, I like feedback. It helps me to know what people like and what I need to improve on. ^.^

Why? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I spend the majority (sadly) of my time watching romantic movies, reading romance books and writing poems about love and romance? Why, when I have none of that stuff in my life? Girls, why do we do this to ourselves? We get lost in the fantasy on screen, page and print. I am sick of wondering if I'll ever find "true love". Of wondering if there's a guy out there for me, or if I've missed my chance. Mind you, I'm young and have plenty of time to find Mr.Right, but my heart is longing for some reality through all these romantic fantasies. I've found the love of God recently in my life, and it is amazing! God wants to be my Lover, my Fiance, my Husband. And I want him to be that, but I also want to feel love from a man. I'm not saying I'm gonna go out and have sex with the next guy I see, (ever sick), but waiting is wearying. I want to have those special glances and touches, the words meant for only me, the little notes I find after a beautiful evening. I want to be pursued, fought for, to share my beauty, to play an irreplaceable role. By the way, I just finished reading Captivating by John & Stasi Eldridge, so I might bring that stuff up a bit. It was an amazing book that taught me a lot of things. Mainly about healing wounds, no longer believing the lies I tell myself, claiming a beauty to share, and being needed as a woman.
*Sigh* I just want to be loved and to have my Question answered. Is that too much to ask?

At the end of the day, I'm okay because I know that I am one day, one hour, one minute, closer to meeting my Lord and Saviour. With every breath I take, I know He's given me one more breath with which to praise Him. Everytime I open my eyes, I know that He's blessed me with sight with which to see the beauty He's placed all around me. But at the end of the day, I pray for one more day, one more hour, one more minute to give to others the love He's given me. The love I'm not worthy of, but given gracefully and freely.

Welcome Boys

Well, I thought I'd say welcome to the people who are reading this. I didn't realize this spot was so popular or whatever. So, hello Jared, Mitch and Morgan. Uh, and Clint if he ever happens upon this blog. I don't think I have to worry about offending any of you, but just so you know, this is just a place for me to uncork the bottle of my range of emotions. I've also got a poetry blog, which you probably've already read (Morgan). I'm hoping that those will be a bit more upbeat and not so depressing. I just hope I remember how to write about happy things. haha.

In other news, church was AMAZING today. I mean, God might've had something to do with it, but I was highly impressed. Was God always this cool? I wish I'd known sooner. Would've saved a lot of trouble. But, God brought me through it because he knew I could handle it. He knew that these past years have and will continue to shape my testimony. I've been told so many times that I will help people deal with the very things I've struggled with. Sure it was encouraging, but I was angry and didn't understand why I had to feel the pain first. Now I know that, if I hadn't gone through all this, how would I be believable to the people I'm supposed to help? I wouldn't be able to say, Ya, I've been there too, if I hadn't. Man God rocks! I just can't begin to explain what a change I feel in my life. It's only been three day, but all it took was prayer. If people say prayer doesn't do anything, they are wrong. I know that prayer does change things. Everything the girls prayed about for me was right on, things only God knew about me. Things only he could get through to me about. Its weird, before, I would almost use my depression as an excuse. Now, I don't even identify myself as having it anymore. God told Eryn to pray that I'd be healed of my depression. She believed and prayed and I believe I was healed. It is no longer a part of me. Can I get an Amen?! AMEN! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! I'm so happy. No more masked happiness, no more forced happiness, just pure, God-sent happiness. I don't even remember what that used to feel like. I don't have to try and remember though, now I know. God never left me all those years. There was still a light of hope shining in the darkness. I gave the darkness permission to close in around me. No longer though. Satan will have no hold over me ever again! I have the authority of Jesus Christ and the power to break the chains he tries to entangle me in. Those chains are like sugar, easily dissolved by the Living water. I'll probably be talking about God a lot more on here and in life, so get used to it. I'm on fire and I never want to lose it. I was so ready to give up, to close my eyes to the light, now I'm so glad I held on just a bit longer. That ladder that was broken, has been restored, and I'm climbing towards the light. No, I'm surrounded by the light. The darkness has been demolished and banished from my life. I'm so excited for the year ahead of me. This is the year! (man I wish I knew that song! haha). I'd really appreciate prayer (I'm such a prayer hog) concerning plans for the fall. Just so you all know, I'm still planning on going to Jerusalem, but feel that now is not the time. I feel called to go to Bible school and dive into God's word. There's so much he has to teach me and I want to soak it up. I feel led towards Bethany, but also to Into His Harvest. I'm not sure where I'll go, but God knows. He will provide the answers and the finances. I would love to go to either of those schools, but I know I need to choose one. I know I just gotta trust God for patience, timing and understanding. I don't want to go back to my old life. I want there to be a noteable change in me. And I want it to stay. I don't want this to be just a spiritual high like after camp or something. I have a peace and reassurance that I've found something solid and concrete on which to build my faith upon. AH! I'm so excited about what God's doing in my life and in my friend's lives! I can't wait to see what He's got in store for me!

God Showed Up!

Okay, so this is pretty rough, I just copied it from an msn convo, but I think it's all there.

i helped Eryn and Dan haul stuff over to the christian acadamy and then we all (nic was there too) started talking out side. talked about a bunch of stuff, and dan was saying how God moves and jazz like that. something struck a chord with me, so we get in nic's van and follow Eryn around...anyways...
nic and i weren't even out of the drive way and i told her that i'd made an appointment with Gavin to get help for anorexia...we met up and were driving with Eryn and picked lana up. before lana Eryn said she felt a shiver or something, but didn't say what it was. so we get Lana and decide to go pray somewhere, for all the people who are coming to bridge on sunday
we did that, then Eryn said "i think Jo has a testimony" i was confused, thinking she meant like the whole, i grew up in a christian home yadda yadda...but i knew what she meant. so i told them what i'd told nic and they prayed for me. then we prayed for this tyler guy who was supposed to stay with Ty & Deb...they prayed for me again, this time against the power of satan in my life.
it was, to say the least, intense. they prayed about stuff i'd never told anyone. about lies i'd been hearing that no one else knew mattered.
then Eryn told me to lift my head up (i was cryin and hunched over with my head down) that God didn't condem me, but wants to lift me up. it was a struggle against the voices, but i lifted it up. once i did, i felt like i was on a mountain surrounded by sunlight. nicole told me i needed to declare that i am worthy of love and that i am beautiful. it was so hard to say those things out loud
finally i just yelled them out, along with telling Satan he had no power and a bunch of other things. Eryn, after prayer, said she'd seen a snake, brilliant orange in color. we don't know what it means, but we prayed against it too. also, that shiver she had, was a premonition or whatever that i would be healed from my depression!
man God is amazing! we drove around looking for the Tyler kid, but couldn't find him, so we went over to Helen Szpakowski's and had an intense prayer/prophesy time there. everyone was prayed over. God just revealed so much stuff to everyone and it was an amazing time.
for the first time in a long while, i smiled without forcing it. i ate, without hating myself. I truly believe God has healed me, but know too that I have a long road ahead because the Enemy doesn't want me to have this power, he's gonna try real hard to get it back.
i know that loving myself is going to take time and patience, but what i feel now i don't want to lose. i never want to feel unworthy or unbeautiful ever again.

Hallelujah!!!!!!!!!!!!